RIOTING IN PARLIAMENT

Crowd cartoon

It is reported that opposition MPs staged a riot during the prorogation of Parliament.

If you think MPs are polite,
You should have seen them late last night,
When after praise at Bercow’s end,
Whose excellence they did contend,
They staged a protest in the House,
Where normally they sit and grouse.

Black Rod came in, they wouldn’t move,
Because they just did not approve,
That Parliament should be shut down,
By Boris who looks like a clown.

The Oppos. stood, each sang a song,
Aiming to Parliament prolong;
To objections they seemed immune,
And neither could they sing in tune.

The songs they chose were Welsh and Scot,
But that which really beat the lot,
Was The Red Flag which gives a clue,
As to what Corbyn might just do,
If ever he becomes PM,
And gets the keys to Number Ten.

Eventually they shuffled off,
While many viewers simply scoffed,
At childish antics they could see,
All broadcast now on World TV.

SPEAKER NO MORE

Bercow

It is reported that John Bercow is to resign as Speaker no later than 31 October 2019. My poem here is pretty bad, as befits its subject.

It’s difficult to overstate,
How Speaker, soon to be ‘the late’,
Has changed the rules in Parliament,
Where MPs go for argument.

He should adhere to precedent,
To know what former speakers meant,
So that it’s hoped there can still be,
Respect and continuity.

It’s also true that he should be,
Model of impartiality,
But then his actions do suggest ,
He favours those he likes the best.

So Speaker Bercow is accused,
That in his job he has abused,
The chance he has to get his way,
With partisanship on display.

He also likes to hear his voice,
The sound of which makes him rejoice,
But this makes him sound as a rule,
Much like an old and pompous fool.

He has a bad hectoring style,
That’s hard to take after a while,
And though his stature is quite wee,
He really can insulting be.

Outside the Chamber it’s been said,
His staff regard the man with dread,
For he insults and bullies too –
That’s lots of staff, not just a few.

Of course, all these things he denies,
Insists to all he is most wise,
And staff and members, young and old,
Should always do as they are told.

But that he’s pompous there’s no doubt,
It’s bad that he has so much clout,
And makes the rules up as he goes,
To suit his friends but not his foes.

But when the history books are writ,
He’ll be recorded as a twit,
Who didn’t fairly chair debates,
And left his office in disgrace.

OFFJETTING

BA

It is reported that rich people who like to campaign for environmental issues are still travelling the world in high carbon footprint first class cabins and private planes and justify this by buying carbon offsetting such as (somebody else) planting trees.

If you are rich you want to sit,
In first class where the food’s a hit,
And where your travel is so posh,
No matter it costs loads of dosh.

Such people nowadays feel guilt,
For in first class they do not wilt,
But they know their footprint is high,
While up there flying in the sky.

Now normal folk – that’s me and you –
Know what we really ought to do,
Is buy a cheaper ticket or,
Go watch the telly to explore.

But these rich people are all booked,
On travel, like I said, they’re hooked,
And so they pay a bit more so,
Their footprint comes down to zero.

But they could all do better still,
And save the planet if they will,
If they would, like us, stay at home,
Instead of round the world to roam.

But which to stay in? Most have two,
Or even more, perhaps a few,
And all these houses need AC,
To control to the nth degree,
The temperature and you know why?
Because outside it’s far too high!

So do be careful if you’re rich,
And on a global warming pitch,
It might be best to stay in town,
And also keep your head right down!

PC OR NOT PC?

PC

It is reported that seventy-five percent of the population thinks that political correctness has gone too far and ‘exceeds common sense’.

PC is here for good or ill,
If you’ve not seen it then you will,
It controls what we do and say,
Or tries to do so anyway.

The key thing is to not offend,
And neither to a message send,
Which might someone or folk upset,
Although they may not know it yet.

Examples I will not give here,
’Cos I like rather drinking beer …
Damn! Standing with a glass you see,
Is now considered un-PC.

So Nigel Farage who also,
Will have a smoke stick on the go,
Has very little chance to be,
Remotely thought of as PC.

He’s one example, there are more,
One could soon come up with a score;
There are so many some now think,
That more of us might turn to drink,
For PC is now so intense,
It goes against all common sense!

THE PARTY’S OVER

Notting hill

It is reported that police officers have been told not to go dancing at the Notting Hill Carnival as has become customary in previous years.

The carnival at Notting Hill,
Is on this year, they do it still,
And it requires that the police,
Have presence there to keep the peace.

So far so good but people thought.
Police would have them all in court,
And this was just one of the ways,
That they could spoil their special days.

So then the policemen with their feet,
All started dancing in the street,
And this, it has been thought so far,
Would lead them not the day to mar.

But now this year the rules are new,
And with the bobbies rather few,
They have been told their duty is,
To keep folk safe and not to whizz
Around like ballerinas who,
Are expert in the pas de two.

So this year PCs won’t oblige,
No gazing in a partner’s eyes,
They’ll stand with helmet there on head,
And that will have to do instead.

But really, dancing cops are rare,
It isn’t why they send them there,
Their dancing’s very rarely neat,
Because they’ve such enormous feet!

REAL TITANIUM

Ti

It is reported that Apple is issuing customers with titanium credit cards made of real titanium but then has had to provide comprehensive cleaning and maintenance instructions to prevent damage and scratching.

Now here’s a funny thing, I’d say,
When you take out your card to pay,
It made of plastic – that’s good sense –
For it costs not a lot of pence.

But Apple as you know is rich,
Its income grows without a hitch,
And it will not sell a device,
Which can be sold at twice the price.

So now it has a credit card,
Which it wants held in high regard,
And plastic doesn’t seem quite right,
So clever people thought they might,
Make them of metal which is nice,
And can attract a higher price.

The problem is that’s a bad choice,
And not exactly a Rolls-Royce,
Because it’s damaged far too much,
If it should any leather touch.

Not only leather, denim too,
Which has put Apple in a stew,
For wallets, also pockets are,
Made of these cloths, I think that’s par,
For making wallets or a purse;
So soon the card will look much worse,
Than it did when it was quite new,
And when they sold the thing to you.

But don’t despair, there is support,
On Apple’s website where you’re taught,
Just how to clean and polish it,
Once you have got a cleaning kit.

“A cleaning kit?!” You might well say,
“To polish all the marks away?,
I don’t know who they think they are,
I’ve got a card here not a car!”

So Apple now looks such a fool,
And subjected to ridicule,
It didn’t know, which is a shame,
Titanium is just a name.

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE

Pope

It is reported that Pope Francis got stuck in his personal lift when it developed a fault; after twenty-five minutes he was rescued by Vatican firemen.

A fact that’s maybe little known,
Is that the Pope is said to own,
A private lift to take him where,
He doesn’t like to use the stair.

The lift can travel down or up,
But recently the thing got stuck,
And though the Pope began to pray,
The lift would not budge either way.

He joined his hands, he prayed some more,
But still could not dislodge the door;
By now God should be on the case,
And then he saw the cheery face,
Of firemen with their hoses and,
An engine that was fully manned.

The Pontiff smiled with great relief,
He’d thought he might have come to grief,
If it set off and – just his luck –
Decided to go down not up.

For he knew what was down below,
It can get pretty hot and so,
Much better to avoid the worst,
And get the firemen in there first!