HEAVY LIFT

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It is reported that fire brigades are increasingly being called out to move obese people in their homes using heavy lifting gear as they are too big and heavy to move under their own steam.

If you are fat, folk used to say,
It doesn’t matter anyway,
But now most people’s views have changed –
Your weight should stay within a range.

A proper weight’s not just a fad,
For those in question fat is bad,
Because it really puts a strain,
On heart and possibly the brain.

Their body simply gets too big,
There’s no chance they can dance a jig,
And so the firemen get called in,
To take these people for a spin.

But firemen say, “Now just a mo.
We are supposed to fires to go.
Not moving folk who are obese,
Because they contain too much grease.

If we spend time engaged in this,
Then fires and suchlike we will miss,
Which means that fires that start at home,
Will get no water, neither foam.

So fat folk who, as I have said,
Need help in getting out of bed,
Should get help elsewhere in the main –
Perhaps a hoist or mobile crane!”

NAIVE OR WHAT?

Putin cartoon

It is reported that at a joint press conference in Helsinki, Donald Trump said he believes Vladimir Putin’s claim that the Russians had no involvement in the hacking during the US presidential election, even though the US intelligence agencies have found that it did and twelve Russian GRU secret agents have recently been indicted for hacking the Democratic Party’s computers.

You get the gist, I’ll keep this short,
Or Donald Trump might well retort,
And he might try to do his worst,
On Twitter where he is well-versed.

So, in a nutshell, Trump announced,
His Secret Service would be trounced,
And GRU – the Russian State –
Instead might help investigate,
Claims of collusion if they must,
Because he really doesn’t trust,
The CIA and others who,
Have told him what the Russians do.

He has looked his friend in the eye,
Found him to be straight as a die,
And he’s as certain as can be,
That everything that’s said by he,
Is truthful so he knows his views,
Unlike all CNN’s fake news.

He said relations were so bad,
Because of what the US had,
Been doing over many years;
But now with everyone sincere,
The Russians, since four hours ago,
We’re now his friend and not his foe.

So now that Putin is his friend,
A friendship that the rules all bend,
And Trump now trusts him, trusts him lots,
But has he really changed his spots?

Well, Trump has one reply to this:
He says that no-one ought to miss,
The fact that Putin’s tie had spots,
Though they were small and looked like dots.

So changing these spots is a cinch,
It can be done without a flinch,
And Putin simply needs to go,
And buy a new tie, straight or bow.

And then things will be quite all right,
There will be trust, no need to fight,
And few will suffer from decease,
For Putin is a man of peace.

If you believe that you are nuts,
For it is plain, no ifs, no buts,
That Trump has fallen for a trick,
Is he being naive or thick?

Image – DonkeyHotey/Flickr

TO LIKE OR NOT TO LIKE …

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It is reported that Donald Trump has been giving conflicting messages about what he thinks of Theresa May and Brexit.

Our Donald, who’s not far from here,
Is not always completely clear,
What he means when he tweets or speaks,
Including when he gives critiques.

He doesn’t approve of the way,
That our PM, that’s Mrs May,
Is handling Brexit (go or stay),
Or at least didn’t yesterday.

He said she’s got the whole thing wrong,
But then before so very long,
(By which I really mean quite soon),
It seems he had a change of tune.

Right now, he says , she’s doing good,
Since he’s advised her so she should,
And, as he said before Blenheim,
Most anything’s OK with him.

That is not all, I could say more,
Of things like this – at least a score,
For every day he seems to say,
Something he later blows away.

The consequence of this is that,
One really knows not where he’s at,
And so one doesn’t get too bored,
His comments might be best ignored.

So there I’ll end, good as my word,
I will write no more words absurd;
There’s no doubt that he’ll speak again,
This most peculiar of men.

JEAN CLAUDE DRUNKER?

Juncker cartoon

It is reported that the President of the European Commission was unsteady on his feet as he arrived at an official NATO function yesterday and had to be supported by the French President and other heads of state to prevent him falling over, which would have been almost as embarrassing as pictures of him struggling to stand up. A spokesman said his unsteadiness was due to sciatica, (not drink) … hic.

One Luxembourger likes his wine,
The types he drinks are very fine,
So not for him the Spanish plonk –
That’s far too prone to make one honk.

But though it might not make one ill,
Too many glasses likely will,
Make one unsteady on one’s feet,
When walking down the road or street.

So people then began to talk,
About Herr Juncker’s wobbly walk,
Because, it seemed, it could be due,
To glasses drunk – more than a few.

“Why, no,” his spokesman said quite quick,
“If you think that you’re pretty thick.
Sciatica is what he’s got,
In fact he suffers quite a lot.

His problem is sciatic pain,
Which he’s got used to in the main,
And so, though hard to reconcile,
He often manages a smile.

So talk of drink is premature,
He only drinks one glass or fewer,
So if you see him with some drink,
Well, that’s Ribena, I should think.”

Image – DonkeyHotey / Flickr

WHO APPOINTS THE PM?

Jeremy Corbyn 1

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn has criticised Donald Trump for suggesting that Boris Johnson would make a good prime minister, saying that it is none of the President’s business. He said this on the day he was protesting against Mr Trump being the US President …

“It’s Jerry here and I must say,
That protocol – are you au fait?
Dictates you should not comment on,
Prime ministers when this one’s gone.

You really should stay in your place,
To interfere is a disgrace,
So keep your own views under wraps,
Because, in any case, they’re crap.

And that’s not all I’ve got to say,
Because I have come here today,
On everybody to impress,
That presidents of the US,
Can be a choice of one or two.
But certainly should not be you!”

Image – Global Justice Now / Flickr

TRUMP ON THE WARPATH

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It is reported that Donald Trump has berated most European members of NATO and especially the stinking rich Germans for spending too little on defence.

The Trump is over here today,
In Brussels first then a foray,
To Britain to play golf and scoff,
And also tell the PM off.

About what subject matters not,
He’ll tweet it first and then, guess what,
He’ll talk with what charm he’s imbued,
Which means he’s likely to be rude.

But back to NATO where today,
He told the others they should pay,
And not just sponge from day to day,
On spending by the USA.

For far too long they hadn’t paid,
And as he said in his tirade,
They really had to up their game,
And then pay pretty much the same
As he does in proportion to,
The value of the things they do.

But singled out for special ire,
That easily could pay much higher,
Was Germany that he did say,
Not only does it little pay ,
But in the background it bankrolls,
The Russian state and all its goals.

They do this dint of buying gas,
Which really does seem pretty crass,
For somewhere there’s a smartphone app,
With which they can turn off the tap.

So Germany and others too,
Must be quite careful what they do,
Or they might find, alack, alas,
That suddenly they’ve got no gas.

And this is Donald’s case in point,
That’s put his nose right out of joint,
For though it has been rare before,
This could start economic war.

This might then be twixt friends or foes,
Because the Brexit process shows,
That one side might use as a ploy,
The other to try to destroy,
Even though it would in that case,
Cut off its nose to spite its face!

DAMN!

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It is reported that England has lost the semi-final of the World Cup in Moscow, waistcoats or not.

The England team did really well,
As any football fan will tell:
They won their matches all along,
But, in this last, they took too long,
To get the goals they had to score,
So their opponents then had more.

The goals they did score were so good,
If you’ve not seen them then you should;
The headers were extremely fine –
Exciting as they crossed the line.

But only one can win the match,
If not then there would be a catch;
The winners should have greatest skill,
But also in a game there will,
Be lots of luck with shots and aim,
Affecting who will win the game.

And one thing that can’t be denied,
Is, though they didn’t win, they tried,
And did far better with the score,
Than predecessors had before.

Croatia therefore won the day,
Good luck when they the final play,
But maybe they should up their game,
And not the opposition maim!