BLAME BREXIT (WHAT ELSE)

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It is reported that German Chancellor Angela Merkel has suffered a third bout of shaking while standing in public within a month. She continues to insist that everything is OK although she admits to not knowing what is not wrong with her.

“I see you’ve noticed that I shake,
When standing if too long they take
To play the music, make the speech,
And if my lectern’s out of reach.

Some people think I must be ill,
And therefore ought to take a pill,
But in response I have to say,
It wouldn’t do much anyway.

That’s ’cos I don’t know what it is,
That sends me thus into a tizz,
And so, unlike an earache,
I wouldn’t know which pill to take.

So I just plan to soldier on,
Two years till 2021,
But after that we’ll have to see –
The chancellor will not be me.

But until then do not concern
Yourselves if I should have a turn,
It might not even be the same,
But we can simply Brexit blame.”

KNICKERS UP!

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It is reported that higher levels of home working are believed to be responsible for recent increases in sales of nightwear, loungewear and underwear. The first two I can understand but underwear?

If people work from home that’s good,
And if you can you really should,
It is the new thing on the scene,
And, take my word, it’s very green.

There is no need to wear a suit
Or fancy dress at which folk look,
So for the most part of the day,
You can in your pyjamas stay.

Or maybe loungewear’s more for you,
A bigger choice there, that is true,
And then, depending on the job,
You might just look less like a slob.

Result of all this people say,
Is sales of these are up today,
But also up if you compare,
Are Primark’s sales of underwear.

I do not know why this should be,
But data like this … let me see …
Suggests that we – please do not smirk –
Wear more at home than when at work.

LEAKS OR LEEKS

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It is reported that the Royal Navy’s new aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth has sprung a leak; it might be wise to check that her sister ship HMS Prince of Wales is leek free.

The new QE has sprung a leak,
She’s flooding slowly as I speak,
But very slowly, so I think,
That it’s unlikely she will sink.

She’s on her way back into port,
Where engineers then will sort
Out what the problem seems to be,
So she can sail back out to sea.

Some info, though, has been revealed:
A pipe that once was well concealed,
Has burst and filled the galley up,
So sailors now can’t eat or sup.

But the QE is not alone,
Because the next one on the Throne,
Has a ship too that bears his name,
And which is pretty much the same.

And so the Navy must make sure,
That now they have just one ship fewer,
The other one can sail and fight,
Which means she must be watertight.

So check the galley for a leek,
So she will not be up the creek,
But given this ship’s name I’d say.
They ought to do this right away.

BRUSH OFF

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It is reported that Stella McCartney is advising people not to wash or (solvent) dry clean clothes; simply let the dirt dry and then brush it off. She said “I am incredibly hygienic myself, but I’m not a fan of dry cleaning or any cleaning really.” Hmm.

If you’re like me you likely wash,
Your clothes, no matter rags or posh,
And then it’s likely that you try,
To hang them out or tumble dry.

This is the norm but wait a bit,
Stella McCartney says that it,
Is better not to wash at all –
No need for that detergent ball.

“Instead,” says she, “just let them dry,
Then take a brush and with it try,
To brush them clean, it ought to work,
Though on occasions stains might lurk.

Ignoring most will be just fine,
But do be careful with the wine,
It’s easier if you desist,
The night before from getting p*ssed.”

But I doubt this will work too well,
For there might be an awful smell;
Your friends might really think it strange,
If you don’t socks and knickers change!

DIVINE PROVIDENCE

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It is reported that collections in York Minster are now being made with its electronic bronze collection plates and your contactless credit card.

If you’re in church I have to say,
You might expect some cash to pay,
And probably five pounds at least,
To pay for candles and the priest.

But often people don’t have cash,
(Perhaps small change went in the trash)
Then comes the moment that they hate,
As they see the advancing plate.

It’s getting closer, what to do?
With notes the pounds are not so few,
So some pay five and others nowt,
As brave ones try to tough it out.

Now with this new plate it’s just fine,
To pay towards the altar wine;
But anyone who thinks that they,
With just some pence can get away,
Although they’re now part of the flock,
Might be in for a nasty shock.

’Cos they’ll see as they wave their card,
The next decision is quite hard,
Because the buttons there to press,
Are likely to cause more distress:
In pounds they’re only five or ten,
So that’s back to the start again!

HUAWEI NO SPY

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It is reported that the Chinese Ambassador has promised that Huawei will not share information with the Chinese Government if it is supplying 5G telecoms equipment to the UK, despite the fact that Chinese law requires them to store the information on servers in China and to provide it to the Government if asked to do so.

There is a programme I have seen,
Upon the television screen,
Where people talk and answer Qs,
So their opponents to confuse.

It’s name is WILTY in shorthand,
And can be seen throughout the land,
Including, so it seems to me,
Inside the Chinese embassy.

But sometimes this can go too far,
Like recently on Andrew Marr,
When head of said establishment,
Said it was his avowed intent,
That if Huawei 5G supply,
They really, truly wouldn’t spy.

Over to you, now truth or lie?
To form a view you have to try,
And if you guess and get it right,
You might just win the game tonight.

But even so, not there discussed,
Was if the system was robust,
’Gainst hackers who have bad intent,
Or by the Chinese Government.

For if it could, in either way,
5G could be shut down one day,
And if done by the Chinese State,
Preventing it would be too late.

(UN)DIPLOMATIC MEMOS

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It is reported that (un)diplomatic memos from the UK’s ambassador in Washington which were critical of the Trump administration, describing it as ‘inept’ and ‘incompetent’ have been leaked to the press to the annoyance of all concerned.

“Hello! Hello! I’m Mrs May,
And still PM as of today,
So though I’m not much in the news,
I do have things to do … and views.

So while those two fight for my job –
The smartypants and unkempt slob –
I do still come to work each day,
And deal with what is in my tray.

So let me see, now what is this?
It says that I should now dismiss,
Our man across the pond who writes,
The sort of things that can start fights.

Now his job’s to report to me,
About the States quite honestly,
So what’s he writ? Let’s see … My God!
He has made for our backs a rod!

‘Incompetent’, ‘inept’ as well,
Trump will not like this I can tell,
And though they have been said before,
He still won’t want them said once more.

The President, as we all know,
Is so thin-skinned he’s sure to go
On Twitter where you’ll find him lots,
And where he thinks he calls the shots.

And it should come as no surprise,
To learn he likes to criticise,
All sorts of people every day,
But anyone who dares to say,
That he is anything but smart,
Will straightaway be deemed a fart.

So let me see … uin his reply,
He’s picked on me, that’s rather sly,
And he says – I s’pose you can guess –
That Brexit is an awful mess.

With this, of course, I don’t agree,
The facts are there for all to see,
But my skin’s thick as you all know,
So I don’t plan to have a go.

If at this point we let it rest,
I think that would be for the best,
And since he now says I’m the pits,
Perhaps we should just call it quits!”