It is reported that the new polymer five pound note contains tallow derived from animals and vegetarians with nothing better to do say this is unacceptable.

A vegetarian will go,
Through inconveniences so,
He won’t have – that is he or she –
To eat meat even if it’s free.

And various religions will,
Today in this advanced age still,
Not eat the flesh of beef or pork,
Depending on who’s got the fork.

Of course all this is quite well-known,
And generally it can be shown,
What constitutes a luncheon dish,
And if it contains meat or fish.

But this could all get out of hand,
Because some people in the land,
Complain that there might be a trace,
Of fat behind the Sovereign’s face,
On the new plastic five pound note,
Which may have come from cow or goat.

Or maybe chicken, sheep or lamb,
Not mentioning duck, pork or ham,
And even if it’s fish or fowl,
The vegans will still likely howl.

The Bank of England now confirms,
That tallow, not from pachyderms,
Is present in the note today,
But possibly might wear away.

The Bank should really bide its time,
For in the next verse of this rhyme,
There is an answer it will find,
For people of religious kind.

For folk like this who do police,
The source of all their fat and grease,
Although at first it might seem strange,
Of fivers there could be a range.

No pork for Moslems or for Jews,
No beef for Indian Hindus,
And there could also be respect.
For any other type of sect.

These specials would have premium price,
Which might make some of them think twice,
And they would show a special mark,
Which also could glow in the dark,
To show the Bank’s now firm belief,
That they contain no pork or beef.

The extra price could be quite small,
But there should not be none at all,
A nice round figure would make sense,
Perhaps something like twenty pence.

The Government would lend support,
Because the extra profit ought,
From these notes with more bespoke fat,
Become in time like extra VAT.

Religious groups now satisfied,
What of vegans who can’t abide,
To hold a note containing fat,
What is the answer then to that?

The answer’s simple in extreme,
Though some will say I’m being mean,
If they’re insisting on fat-free,
Then they can give them all to me!

Image – metro.co.uk

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