OUT OF KILTER

Bagpipes Penguin anr

It is reported that while well-to-do English pensioners will lose their winter fuel allowance, all the old Scottish people will keep theirs. Various explanations have been given including devolution, poorer infrastructure and colder weather but perhaps the Scots could do something to help themselves (by which I do NOT mean help themselves to the money!)

By yesterday or thereabout,
The manifestos all were out,
With differences as we have seen,
’Twixt Labour, Tory, even Green.

So with them all now on parade,
There are some choices to be made,
But one thing that was a surprise,
When one compared by means of eyes,
Was that the Tories published two,
One for the Scots and one for you.

The biggest difference we are told,
Is that for people growing old,
The winter fuel payment will,
Apply to all in Scotland still.

Whereas in England further south,
It has been said by word of mouth,
And also in Wales farther west,
It will be subject to a test.

The difference so far has been sold,
On basis that up there it’s cold,
And in the highlands, though thick-skinned,
The people must put up with wind.

But I think there’s another point,
That’s putting noses out of joint,
And which means Scotsmen who are old,
Are likely more to feel the cold.

The problem’s not so much the gale,
Though that can be beyond the pale,
Or that they can’t afford a quilt –
It is because they wear the kilt.

And Scottish kilts of any kind,
Especially with wind combined,
Are guaranteed to start a sneeze,
And possibly the Trossachs freeze.

So wearing kilts should now be banned,
Like haggis that is never canned,
And Scots instead could all then use,
The English option – pairs of trews!

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