BREXIT TRICKS

Brexit Big Ben

It is reported that many people think it unlikely that the Brexit negotiations will be finished by the UK’s departure date in 2019 and other people are complaining about the planned silencing of Big Ben for four years while repairs are being carried out.

Brexit is always in the news,
With lots of very different views,
Including how long it will take,
Before we finally can shake,
Ourselves free of the EEC,
And its supposèd tyranny.

Some say there’s not sufficient time,
Before the year that ends in nine
Comes round and that’s when most believe,
That we should get our bags and leave.

So civil servants, always quick,
Have come up with a little trick,
To get more time before that date,
In which they can negotiate.

Their small trick is to stop the clock,
So it will no more tick and tock,
And doing this they’re hoping will,
Make folk think time is standing still.

And, luckily, they’ve an excuse,
Which isn’t really too obtuse,
For that big clock that we all know,
Is just about to undergo,
An overhaul to see it right,
With work by day but not by night.

So they’ve announced the clock will stop,
Which has caught some folk on the hop,
Because they thought the lack of ‘bong’,
Would not be lasting quite so long.

Four years is what has been decreed,
It’s said that’s what the workmen need,
To do the job the proper way,
While working only through the day.

But that may now be in some doubt,
For it has just been pointed out,
That other ways might be devised –
Far more than had been realised.

So Brexit now is in a stew,
They’re not at all sure what to do,
For if the time they cannot stop,
Then Brexit might turn out a flop!

Image – Ilovetheeu / Wikimedia commons

TON UP SHED

Shed

It is reported that Kevin Nicks, from York, has built the world’s fastest shed (99 mph) and plans to drive it from Land’s End to John O’Groats.

A shed, a wooden shed indeed,
Is something that’s not known for speed,
But up near York one has been made,
That looks impressive on parade.

It did just one less than a ton,
But on its up and coming run,
It’s hoped it will increase its speed,
And do a hundred – yes indeed!

With that achieved it will slow down,
Then visit every major town,
Between Land’s End and John O’Groats,
The latter being quite remote.

And on the way it’s raising cash –
Provided that it doesn’t crash –
For looking after people who,
Have silly things they like to do.

And I expect this does include –
Although to say so may seem rude –
Trying to the world record beat,
By driving a shed down the street.

DIDN’T HE DO WELL?

Bruce_Forsyth_opening_The_Sir_Bruce_Forsyth

It is reported that Sir Bruce Forsyth has died at the age of eighty-nine after more than seventy years in show business.

It was announced just yesterday,
That Bruce Forsyth has passed away;
He was an entertainer fine,
And died at age of eighty-nine.

He made his name first and then some,
At the London Palladium,
And in the old days that was where,
He did the Sunday show compère.

And then the Generation Game,
Was where he really rose to fame,
And finally on Strictly Dance,
Where he would sometimes take his chance,
To tap his shoes there on the floor,
Hoping that judge might give him four.
But now he’s gone I don’t think we,
Will see another quite like he.

But now Brucie’s distinctive style,
That proved to be so versatile,
Will come in useful, I would say,
There at the Pearly Gates today,
For he knows how to break the ice:
“Nice to see you, to see you … nice!”

Image – Millfield Manager / Wikimedia commons

HAZELNUT HEIST

Nutella

It is reported that thieves in Germany have stolen twenty tons of Nutella spread.

The police are looking, so it’s said,
For twenty tons of chocolate spread,
Which disappeared quite recently,
Depriving Germans of their tea.

It vanished in the dead of night,
In jars labelled full-fat or light,
And police to give them their due,
Already have their first breakthrough.

“The thieves,” they say, “are out of luck,
Because they must have had a truck,
To move such quantity as this,
And that, therefore, is our premise.

So everywhere these robbers go,
We know that they will be so slow,
And since the chase-cars that we use,
Are Mercs. and BMWs,
We can with some conviction say,
That they will never get away.

Our cars are waiting back at base,
All ready to begin the chase,
And apprehend these groceries,
Just once we know which truck it is!”

Image – S Smith / Flickr

THE LAST BONG!

big-ben-1082205_960_720

It is reported that Big Ben is to cease ringing for four years while repairs are carried out to the clock and the tower.

Next week Big Ben will get a rest,
They’re starting to repair it lest,
Continued wear and tear in town,
Might have the whole thing falling down.

It’s leaning as most people know,
The Underground runs just below,
And all the cogs and all the wheels,
Need maintenance, the Speaker feels.

As well as that the bell is cracked,
But not because the clock was hacked,
It’s simply always been that way –
For a re-casting they’d not pay.

In fact it was re-cast one time,
In order to improve the chime,
But when the big bell cracked again,
After some words, perhaps profane,
They got themselves into a tizz,
And left it so that’s how it is.

But anyway, I do digress,
Some now complain it is a mess,
That not till 2021,
Will the repairing work be done,
And therefore not until that time,
Will anyone hear Big Ben chime.

It’s feared that tourists will not come,
The whole of London they might shun,
That is they might vote with their feet,
Because Big Ben’s a real treat.

But there are lots of other things
To see, although not each one rings,
And if they all should umbrage take,
At Legoland there is a fake!

HOLIDAY BOOM!

Guam Ritidian_Beach

It is reported that Donald Trump has told the people of Guam to expect a tourism boom because with the North Korean missile crisis everybody has now heard of them. All news is good news, eh?

“Now welcome to our island here,
You’ll not have very much to fear;
We’ve lovely beaches, golden sand,
And our defences will withstand,
Whatever that guy with bad hair,
Might lob this way from over there.

He says he’ll aim for in the sea,
But just between him, you and me,
Do please stay inland if you would,
In case his aim is not too good.

And then he has some bigger bombs,
Which could cause pretty bad maelstroms,
And though these types have all been banned,
Just one will make sure you get tanned.

The tanning happens pretty quick,
Will work for any Tom or Dick,
And after that if you still stay,
Your sunbed can be put away.

You just won’t need it any more,
’Cos if by then we are at war,
The sunbed which your tan assists,
Most likely no longer exists.

But even if there is no war,
And the bed’s there just as before,
Your tan will be extremely deep,
So folk will know it wasn’t cheap.

So do enjoy your stay with us,
And just ignore the blinking fuss,
You will need factor ninety-five,
But only if you’re still alive!”

Image – Laura Beuregard, U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service – Pacific Regions

NO MO!

Mofarahannivgames1

It is reported that Mo Farah has now retired from track competitions to begin road running, objects to being asked about alleged former drug-related irregularities and no longer wants to be called Mo, opting for the more formal Mohamed.

“My last race might just disappoint,
But my nose is not out of joint,
Because you can add up the score,
And I have won so much before.

I’ve done it all with tears and sweat,
And no-one anywhere as yet,
Has proved that I have been a cheat,
As I move on from track to street.

With rumours always flying round,
And none of the suspicions sound,
You should take care not to accuse,
Because all this is just fake news.

And one more thing I want to say,
Is going forward from today,
Though you like it, I know, I know,
I don’t want you to call me Mo.

Mohamed will be fine instead,
And since that won’t fit on my head,
Without a risk we will misspell,
Maybe the bot can go as well!”

Image – Brian Minkoff- London Pixels / Wikimedia commons