TWO Ps OR NOT TWO Ps

piggy bank

It is reported that the Government ordered no one or two pence coins from the Royal Mint in 2018, saying that there were already enough in circulation.

This topic may not be so new,
I’ve written it before for you,
But maybe things have changed somewhat,
So let’s now have another shot.

The Government was asked one day,
How many copper coins now they,
Had asked the Royal Mint to press,
To keep transactions free of stress;
That’s coins of one and two p size,
To maintain currency supplies.

The answer when it came was strange,
And outside the expected range,
It wasn’t big, it wasn’t small,
They said they needed none at all.

“A – ha,” you’re thinking, “that must mean,
These coins with pictures of the Queen,
Which now no longer have much clout,
Are probably to be phased out.”

“Not so, not so,” comes the reply,
“The numbers we still have are high,
And so it really does make sense,
To use up these small coins of pence.

We’re sure that there will be enough,
To get your change when buying stuff,
But not so many that they will,
Clog up the supermarket till.”

You can believe that if you like,
It might forestall a pricing hike,
But surely these two coins won’t last –
Their usefulness has long since passed!

TIME EVERYONE PLEASE

beer

It is reported that beers with sexist names are to be banned from this year’s Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) Great British Beer Festival.

Craft beers are now so very good,
If you don’t drink them then you should,
But from now on do be aware,
Their names must now be picked with care.

For CAMRA has this year decreed,
That brand names must be guaranteed,
To not offend the ladies who,
Might want to sit and drink a few.

Their drinking might be quite intense,
But not if they should take offence,
At names they on the bottles see,
With which some might just disagree.

So no ‘Slap Bottom’, ‘Dizzy Blonde’,
Not even names of which you’re fond,
‘Slack Alice’ also will not do,
And probably ‘Top Totty’ too.

So pick your name, enjoy your ale,
It might be dark or even pale,
But if its name seems rather crass,
Be sure to drink it from a glass!

THE LAST STRAW!

milkshake

It is reported that McDonald’s new paper straws cannot be recycled, unlike the old plastic ones they replaced.

“McDonald’s here, you know we said,
That plastic straws both white and red,
Would be replaced with paper types,
To be recycled, ending gripes.

We’ve tried it now, it doesn’t work,
And staff have almost gone berserk;
They keep them separate then are told,
We can’t now get new straws from old.

We tried so hard, you won’t believe,
The other things we have achieved,
But in the case of drinking straws,
The reason for this is because,
We’ve had to make them extra thick,
’Cos you don’t drink your milk shakes quick.

So really it is not our fault,
This back to plastic by default,
And earth can’t come back from the brink,
Till you more quickly drink your drink.”

CATCH 21

beggar

It is reported that beggars in the Swedish town of Eskilstuna must buy a permit costing £21 before they can beg for money in the streets.

In Sweden there are beggars too,
And in some towns more than a few,
And generally they’re not so pop.,
Because their begging will not stop.

The council came up with a plan,
To stop the begging if it can,
By telling beggars that they must,
A permit have to earn a crust.

A problem at this point ensues,
Because for permits they can use,
The beggars have to find the cash,
Before around the streets they dash.

And that’s a problem unless they,
Have twenty-one pounds they can pay,
In which case they don’t really need,
To beg for cash themselves to feed.

My logic here might be the pits,
But I’m at the end of my wits,
And though it may seem crap to you,
It’s just the best that I can do!

VORSPRUNG DURCH … KAPUTT

plane

It is reported that The Luftwaffe has so many of its aircraft waiting for spare parts or repairs that German pilots cannot even get any flying practice.

The Germans ought to be ashamed,
That their Air Force has just been named,
As quite incompetent for it,
Is not exactly fighting fit.

It bought some planes but they can’t fly,
And if you ask the reason why,
They’ll say they can’t go on a fahrt,
Because they’re lacking some spare part.

If they can’t fly they cannot fight,
Which some might think is quite all right,
Considering what people know,
Of things now eighty years ago.

But now in this new day and age,
When history has turned the page,
The Krauts are supposed to pull their weight,
So enemies they can berate.

But this they are not keen to do,
They do spend euros – just a few –
But when it come to their defence,
They don’t go in for much expense.

‘Vorsprung durch technik’ as they say,
But even if they think that way,
And though it’s still one of their aims,
It seems it doesn’t work for planes!

100 CALORIES

chocolate-2201986_960_720

It is reported that Cadbury is to reduce the number of calories in some of its snacks to one hundred in line with government guidelines by reducing the weight in each pack. Whether the price will also go down has reportedly not been decided.

Snack makers are now in distress,
They’re being told they must put less,
Calories in a bar or pack,
Of anything that’s called a snack.

But changing recipes is hard,
The taste can change and then The Bard*,
Could write about it in his blog,
Then not so many would they flog.

But then one day a clever spark,
Suggested, maybe for a lark,
That they could just reduce the weight,
And hence the calories folk ate.

To his surprise his colleagues clapped,
And then he on the back was slapped,
Then later on that self-same day,
He got a bonus in his pay.

You see this did the problem solve,
With no need to change or evolve,
The formulation of the bar,
So they could all stay as they are.

But putting less in each small pack,
Meant that the few grams each would lack,
Would add to profits every day,
How much? I don’t think I can say.

Perhaps the price might come down too,
And save some pence for me and you,
But it’s more likely I would say,
The old prices are here to stay.

* Me

TRICK OR TREAT

mcdonalds

It is reported that McDonald’s may be secretly encouraging its customers to choose healthier food and drink options by positioning them more conveniently in menu lists and on computer screens.

You like a Big Mac? Yes you do!
And drinks packed full of sugar too!
But your choice might be undermined,
If they are difficult to find.

You scan the menu on the wall,
At first you can’t see them at all,
Then as you look you see that they,
Are in some corner tucked away.

But Mr B who’s not much time,
And likely will not read this rhyme,
Just picks the first things that he sees –
For him no further heart disease.

For sugar low and not much fat,
Are what he is now staring at,
Then in a trice and by default,
He’s also got it low in salt.

“So is it ethical?” you ask,
“To influence this modest task,
Or should they let you freely choose,
No matter early death ensues?”

On this there will be views galore,
From people who such things abhor,
To others who say it’s just part,
Of being wise and eating smart.

So next time that you want to eat,
And fancy a McDonald’s treat,
Just let the menu be your guide –
Say ‘No’ to long-term suicide!