MORE EUROS PLEASE

Wine red

It is reported that European Commissioners are travelling extravagantly and being paid expenses without having to submit receipts.

So what is new? This is folklore,
And we have heard it all before;
The leaders of the great EU,
Have always known just what to do,
To travel in the way that’s best,
No matter North, South, East or West.

So when they fly they travel first,
Which means their leg-room’s more dispersed,
And though there is Champagne on tap,
There’s that bit more room for a nap.

But sometimes first class is too plain,
So they might want to think again,
And since there’s still more money yet,
They might quite like a private jet.

Now private jets do not come cheap,
And though the EU’s pockets deep,
They’re struggling now to pay the fare,
To keep their people in the air.

So what to do? The cash is short,
And still more tickets must be bought;
Perhaps they could tell Mrs May,
In Brexit she will have to pay.

A hundred billion might do,
The UK paying isn’t new,
So they will know just how to send,
The money for them all to spend.

The Brits will doubtless moan and bitch,
And go on endlessly ’bout which,
Clause in the treaty says that they,
Have anything at all to pay.

They’ll say the figure is too high,
But you know just as well as I,
That if your spending at their rate,
A hundred billion isn’t great!

Image – Les Haines / Flickr

GARDER À GAUCHE

Citroen 2CV half

It is reported that the authorities in Calais are planning that everyone should drive on the left during the Bank holiday weekend in May 2018 as a kind gesture to the Brexiting British.

The French have got une bonne idée,
Although it may not seem that way,
They plan one weekend next year, spring,
That people who their cars do bring,
For just a few days they all might,
Drive on the left and not the right.

“The Brits will like it,” says the mayor,
“For when they come from over there,
Such driving will avoid the queues,
As they stock up on bargain booze.

They’ll find it’s really very good,
Will spend and drink more than they should,
And when they are all set to load,
They will not have to cross the road.

So they will load up twice as fast,
The first box right through to the last,
And if they’re sober when they leave,
That’s something I would disbelieve.”

“But what about the French?” you ask,
“For them it will be such a task,
To navigate on left not right,
And some of them might start a fight.”

“We’ve thought of that,” the mayor replied,
“And we are keeping them on side.
We’ve told them it’s a chance to learn,
For something that they mostly yearn,
Which is to leave this place Calais,
And go and live in the U.K!”

Image -High Contrast / Wikimedia commons

A ROCKY ROAD?

brexit-2224018_960_720.png

It is reported that Brexit negotiations have begun and that the leaders exchanged appropriate gifts.

So Brexit talks are underway,
Have lasted so far one whole day,
And both sides say they want to be,
Conducting them pragmatically.

So leaders firstly exchanged gifts,
To counter claims of any rifts,
Between the two sides as they met,
But hadn’t really spoken yet.

The Frenchman’s present was a book,
Which when inside he had a look,
Explained although in prose not rhyme,
How best one should a mountain climb.

This Frenchman who was of like mind,
Presented help of different kind –
A walking stick – and said he hoped,
That it would help the British cope,
And navigate along the path,
They had to in the aftermath,
Of last year’s referendum vote,
To disembark the EU boat.

Both gifts were meaningful perhaps,
Intended to prevent collapse,
Of these talks which as we all know,
Have still a full two years to go.

So watch this space, I will report,
And try to not get too distraught,
If on occasions the outcome,
Looks like it might be rather glum.

MACRON WINS!

Macron

It is reported that Emmanuel Macron has won the French presidential election.

So Macron wins, donc quelle surprise,
And he achieved the feat with ease,
For everybody thought he would,
But not because he’s any good,
Rather they liked less Ms Le Pen,
Who’ll have to wait to try again.

Most will heave a sigh of relief,
That Ms Le Pen has come to grief,
But some will curse and likely say,
They don’t want Macron anyway.

His party is so very new,
He might not know quite what to do,
And so whatever his intent,
It may be the French Parliament,
Will get itself into a stew,
And frustrate what he wants to do.

But that is for a later date –
That’s what I think at any rate –
And though true fans may be quite few,
He’s very keen on the EU.

And the EU is keen on him,
For if he’d lost things would be grim,
With Ms Le Pen determined to,
An awful lot of trouble brew.

But now they think all is secured,
The EU’s future now assured,
And they might think that from this day,
Opponents will all fade away.

So to reward this French result,
Claude Juncker has sought to insult,
The British, saying from next week,
He will no longer English speak.

I s’pose when Brexit is complete,
The only English-speaking state,
Remaining in the then EU,
Is Ireland who speak Irish too.

So English may then cease to be,
Une langue officielle de l’UE,
But if English is not then used,
Things could get terribly confused.

But back to France where it may seem,
La langue Francaise now reigns supreme,
And though for now they are quite chuffed,
The Germans might yet see them stuffed!

Image: Gouvernement Francais

MANDARINS AT FIFTY PACES

santa-clausJuncker

It is reported that Jean Claude Juncker, speaking in French, has given a speech in Italy claiming that the English language is in decline. Strangely, a man dressed as Father Christmas was standing just behind him.

That Jean Claude Juncker is a pain,
And now he’s in the news again,
Proclaiming between sips of wine,
That English is in slow decline.

He must have wanted to impress,
As someone wearing fancy dress,
Stood just behind him as he spoke,
Clad top to toe in Santa’s cloak.

The reason for this wasn’t clear,
But maybe he spoke in his ear,
To tell him what he ought to say,
To irritate our Mrs May.

But anyway I do digress,
Distracted by the Christmas dress,
So back now to the point in hand,
Which does seem hard to understand.

He said that he in French would speak,
To people there including Greek,
So if that’s wise we’ll have to see –
He was in fact in Italy.

His speech seemed inclined to annoy,
Just like a naughty little boy,
Who having talked to Mrs May,
Found that he couldn’t get his way.

But back to language, he should know,
The earth’s most popular lingo,
Is Mandarin which Chinese speak,
So maybe he’ll insist next week,
That Brexit talks which will be long,
Must be held in the Chinese tongue.

This odd suggestion from a clown,
Might possibly just slow things down,
And if proposed to Mrs May,
Is likely to be blown away.

But first she’ll seek FO advice,
Like whether it means eating rice,
Or whether talks in Mandarin,
Might be more difficult to spin.

But in all this my greatest fear,
Is their advice might not be clear,
And in reply to Mrs May,
They might well get confused and say:
“We really don’t know what you mean,
This is a type of tangerine!”

Image – European People’s Party / Flickr & anr

JACKBOOTS AT DAWN?

Jackboots

It is reported that the Europeans have been making critical, unhelpful and probably inaccurate briefings following a dinner at No 10 with the Prime Minister.

You will have seen that Mrs May,
Was furious all yesterday,
And so she thought she’d better speak,
About the happenings of last week.

The acrimony started when,
Post dinner held at Number Ten,
The Europeans dared to say,
That the PM had lost her way.

They said she off her trolley was,
And they knew this for sure because,
When their demands to her were put,
She muttered something like ‘tut tut’.

And when they said that Mrs May,
Would have a hefty bill to pay,
And she asked them how much it was,
They said they couldn’t say because,
Although they’d worked it out before,
By now it had gone up some more.

The dinner over, off they went,
To make some trouble their intent,
And so with their jack-booted ma’am,
They set about to do some harm.

So leaks appeared both thick and fast –
We’ve seen a few but not the last –
And then the Germans waded in,
With statements not devoid of spin.

While this might not be quite the norm,
The Germans nonetheless have form,
And know how to a country fleece,
As recently they did to Greece.

So May then off the handle flew,
Said, “This behaviour will not do!
And when our people have a vote,
You better hadn’t rock the boat!”

Back home it didn’t take too long,
For Mrs Sturgeon’s Scottish tongue,
To say behind a concerned face,
That Mrs May was a disgrace.

“You cannot talk to them this way,
Or else there will be hell to pay,
And such rudeness just has to be,
A technique that’s reserved for me!”

Image – Spera.de Designershuhe / Flickr

ROCK OF AGES

Gibraltar 1

It is reported that the EU’s Brexit negotiation proposals include a Spanish veto on matters affecting Gibraltar.

‘O Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Then let me hide myself in Thee;
Just keep the Spanish far away,
Both now and after Brexit day;
O Rock of Ages cleft for me,
We are just wanting to be free.’

There is a place quite far away,
Where folk might when tonight they pray,
Thinking about the place they love,
Sing something like the verse above.

I speak, of course, of Gibraltar,
Where almost all the people are,
Determined they will British stay.
Imagine then their great dismay,
When they saw in the EU’s note,
That Spain would have a casting vote,
On what they could and could not do,
When all the Brexit talks are through.

Three hundred years they’ve British been,
Since round the time of Anne, The Queen,
When with the help of people Dutch,
The Spanish were kicked into touch,
And in the Treaty of Utrecht,
As you might possibly suspect,
The Rock, as it is always known,
Was ceded to the British Throne.

From time to time the Spanish moan,
That they do also have a throne,
And they would now like to back-track,
Annul The Treaty, have it back.

The British, with no need to plot,
Say, “All tight then, we’ll tell you what.
We’ll ask the people what to do,
And whether they want us or you.”

And every time this has been done,
The British side has always won,
And therefore democratically,
They always choose the British See.

What happens next we’ll have to see,
But if you want a view from me,
We just need ‘No’ from Mrs May,
And this will likely go away.

With apologies to A M Toplady (1740-1778)

Image – Wikimedia commons