PENCELESS

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After Poundland’s recently reported spat with Thameslink perhaps we should take a look at its service.

The Poundland name perhaps implies,
To people who think they are wise,
That everything should cost around,
A British – that is Sterling – pound.

And maybe one time that was right,
When one could tell by means of sight,
That this must have been Poundland’s aim,
’Cos all its prices were the same.

But maybe this is not still so,
Because if in their shops you go,
You’ll find most prices one pound, or
In several cases rather more.

I don’t deny that things one pound,
In their shops and on line abound,
But if you on their website go,
Look for a bag of Bonio,
Most likely for your dog to eat,
It’s two pounds for this canine treat.

And although that is pretty rum,
It seems there is still more to come:
A set of bedding for the bed,
Will leave you five pounds in the red.

So Poundland could just clear the air,
So everything is fair and square,
And maybe they should make it plain,
That Poundsland now could be their name.

Or, since the price they seem to round,
Up or down to a complete pound,
Perhaps it would now make more sense,
From now to call themselves ‘No Pence’.

Image – Jeff Djevdet / speedpropertybuyers.co.uk/

CHEAP AT HALF THE PRICE

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It is reported that workers in Bangladesh are being paid as little as 21 pence per hour for making Nike replica England World Cup kit which sells in the UK for up to £160. A worker would have to save up for about three months to buy one.

You will not be surprised to know,
That contracts for this kit did go,
To companies in Bangladesh,
Who always sew such things for less.

But you might be surprised to learn,
That these machinists only earn,
Two pounds for every ten hour day,
Which constitutes their normal pay.

They daren’t complain, they’d get the sack,
Then everything – like food – they’d lack,
But on these rates they work and strive,
But find it hard to stay alive.

The basics – food – all cost too much,
And as for buying clothes and such,
To buy a set like those they sew,
They’d have to save three months or so.

So when your England kit you buy,
And wonder why the price is high,
For these poor workers spare a thought –
They’re being paid less than they ought.

It’s not machinists who’re to blame,
But others in the value chain,
Who, with unscrupulous intent,
Take all the pounds that you have spent,
Pay almost nothing to their elves,
And keep the rest all to themselves.

Image – SuSanA Secretariat / Wikimedia commons

CHOCOLINK

Bury St Edmunds 30-10-2010

It is reported that Thameslink (railways) described its poor service during the recent timetable changes as being ‘less Ferrero Rocher and more Poundland cooking chocolate’. Poundland was not amused. Whether Ferrero Rocher was amused we don’t know because they are foreign and don’t speak English.

“At Poundland all our stuff’s top notch,
And very rarely do we botch,
So customers can all enjoy,
Our chocolate that does never cloy.

We have all sorts, to cook or eat,
And all of them are such a treat,
That people buy them all the time;
Most speak in prose and not in rhyme.

They buy them all, most every type,
And we find if they have a gripe,
They eat it just as comfort food,
Which often stops them being rude.

So when people are under stress,
Perhaps ’cos trains are in a mess,
Or if their train is running late,
We categorically can state,
That for this we can offer proof,
Because our sales go through the roof.

Our chocolate serves to calm them down,
An argument becomes a frown,
And Thameslink benefits from this,
With people who their trains might miss.

So when you’re in a mess take care,
To have a bar or two that’s spare,
Then even with a great big queue,
A riot likely won’t ensue.

For this service we make no charge,
And certainly not one that’s large;
We’re happy to help end such crime,
But please do run the trains on time!”

Image – Martin Pettitt / Flickr

FAT PANTS

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It is reported that New Look is being criticised for charging fat people higher prices for larger sized garments.

If you are fat then do beware,
When shopping for new clothes to wear,
For in New Look if you are wide,
They’ll charge the price and more beside.

For bigger clothes need much more cloth,
A bigger feast for mould and moth,
And since the cloth costs more in pounds,
They have to charge more in the round.

Fat people say this is unfair,
That just ’cos they displace more air,
They shouldn’t have to pay more than,
Another woman or a man.

But New Look says, “It’s not unfair,
And on this we should clear the air;
The extra charge is justified,
For people with a big backside.

More cloth is used to make the dress,
So should they pay more? We say yes.
But in addition they should learn,
That all that food for which they yearn,
Just does not do them any good,
As they eat far more than they should.

So putting up the price of clothes,
Is likely to encourage those,
To whom we have above referred,
And who in their food choice have erred,
To make sure that they can pay less,
By fitting in a smaller dress.

The nation’s health will thus improve,
As these people their fat remove,
And all because for trousers they,
Do not want to the extra pay.”

UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA

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It is reported that Sainsbury’s and Asda are planning to merge.

Big supermarkets number four,
Their names you might have heard before,
And then there are some others which,
Compared to them are not so rich.

For customers they all compete,
As we buy groceries to eat,
And not just food but other goods
Like bleach and soap and cotton buds.

But now the four might soon be three,
If Asda merge with Sainsbury,
And if they do they will indeed,
The biggest – Tesco – then exceed.

So folk are asking will this be,
Quite good or maybe bad for me?
And when I go to shop in town,
Will prices have gone up or down?

The answer, right now, we don’t know,
But discounters abound and so,
Since anyone to them can go,
It ought to keep their prices low.

FACEBOOK MEMORY WIPEOUT

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It is reported that psychology researchers have found that the distraction of taking pictures of everything with a smartphone prevents us remembering what we have actually seen.

With all the trouble there is now,
About what Facebook does and how
It takes our data that it’s found,
And then it spreads it all around.

It’s also there for us to see,
Though that’s already known to we;
Or … maybe not, ’cos, though perverse,
With Facebook memories are worse.

For it’s reported from research,
Our memories are in the lurch,
’Cos taking pictures does, in fact,
The human memory distract.

Recalling things is then so bad,
That what experience we’ve had,
Is only there, as we now age,
Recorded on our Facebook page.
So Facebook’s very clever been,
Recording everything we’ve seen,
And making sure as time goes by,
Our normal memory will die.

No wonder closing your account,
And losing data – huge amount –
Is ‘Facebook death’ I think it’s called,
A name that should leave us appalled!

So with your smartphone do take care,
And don’t go snapping everywhere;
For if from this you don’t refrain,
You’ll likely undermine your brain.

HEAVEN TO PAY

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It is reported that the Church of England is making preparations for collection plates to be equipped with contactless card readers for the convenience of worshippers and to help them give money more easily.

On Sunday mornings if you go,
To church then you will surely know,
That part way through a plate comes round,
Inviting you to give a pound.

These are collected by the priest –
Or some assistant there at least –
But though the coins are nice and round,
You can’t now buy much with a pound.

The answer is to ask folk to,
Give more than they are wont to do,
But stingy people may not come,
With several pounds – a tidy sum.

They might have several notes, it’s true –
That’s any number more then two –
But paper notes might seem a lot,
To drop in the collecting pot.

But if the vicar then confirms,
That payments are on easy terms,
Then there’s no longer much excuse,
And takings will be more profuse.

Then when the plate comes down your row,
You just present your card and so,
Your bank will instantly extract,
The money and you’ve got it cracked.

But it might be much simpler still,
Because it’s thought the plate soon will,
Have contactless built in its rim,
So everybody who’s not dim,
Can simply wave their card and then,
They give five pounds or maybe ten.

So churches can move with the times,
As you’ve been reading in these rhymes,
Especially when large amounts,
Are destined for their bank accounts!

And God, I expect, would approve,
To see the banks this money move,
From your account to one of His,
To help Him buy His groceries.