OFFJETTING

BA

It is reported that rich people who like to campaign for environmental issues are still travelling the world in high carbon footprint first class cabins and private planes and justify this by buying carbon offsetting such as (somebody else) planting trees.

If you are rich you want to sit,
In first class where the food’s a hit,
And where your travel is so posh,
No matter it costs loads of dosh.

Such people nowadays feel guilt,
For in first class they do not wilt,
But they know their footprint is high,
While up there flying in the sky.

Now normal folk – that’s me and you –
Know what we really ought to do,
Is buy a cheaper ticket or,
Go watch the telly to explore.

But these rich people are all booked,
On travel, like I said, they’re hooked,
And so they pay a bit more so,
Their footprint comes down to zero.

But they could all do better still,
And save the planet if they will,
If they would, like us, stay at home,
Instead of round the world to roam.

But which to stay in? Most have two,
Or even more, perhaps a few,
And all these houses need AC,
To control to the nth degree,
The temperature and you know why?
Because outside it’s far too high!

So do be careful if you’re rich,
And on a global warming pitch,
It might be best to stay in town,
And also keep your head right down!

RING ROAD

phone walking

It is reported that a dedicated mobile phone lane for pedestrians to use while on their phone (and not looking where they are going) is being trialled in Manchester.

If you just won’t get off your phone,
By some car you might down get mown,
So then as you walk down the street,
You’ll possibly your maker meet.
Or if you’re too rude as you talk,
The one who’s got the toasting fork!

But now in Manchester they’ve made,
A special lane with signs displayed,
So you can walk with phone to ear,
And in that lane you need not fear,
That any cycle, car or bus,
Will hit you and consign you thus.

And that is all I want to say,
Because there is another way,
Of dodging death when in the town –
Just put your bloody mobile down!

IMPROVED SERVICE

Ryanair

It is reported that Ryanair pilots are to strike over the weekend.

You might have heard of Ryanair,
They operate without much flair,
Some people can tear out their hair,
But in the end they get you there.

Most of the time they are OK,
You really don’t have much to pay,
Unless you take a case on board,
Which costs more than you can afford.

For luggage charges are severe,
Will make you gulp and quake with fear,
So if you take a case at all,
Do make sure that it’s very small.

For then it can go at your feet,
Or under, possibly, the seat,
And if it fits there when on board,
The charges can all be ignored.

The plane takes off, you’re in your seat,
Don’t expect anything to eat,
For Ryanair with all its skills,
Does little in the way of frills.

The service, people say, is poor,
In fact you might want less, not more,
So when there is a pilots’ strike,
That might be something that you’ll like.

For normal service is so bad,
That though this next bit might sound mad,
And possibly a touch perverse,
A pilot’s strike can’t make it worse!

So pack your bucket and your spade,
Look up for where your flight’s displayed,
And if the word starts ‘C’ or ‘D’,
You’ll then just have to wait and see.

But if you’re cancelled or delayed,
On this flight for which you have paid,
You’ll get a meal to ease the pain –
More than they give you on the plane!

THINNIES ONLY NEED APPLY

girl-1307438_960_720

It is reported that a casting call has gone out seeking a thin young girl with ‘very good teeth’ to star as Mia in a Christmas TV advert for the chocolate bar Milka. She must not have red hair or be ‘overweight as this is for advertising chocolate’. Oh dear, where to start?

These days most people are PC,
Even if they don’t want to be,
And those who’re not still understand,
What sorts of things are always banned.

So wanting actresses ‘not fat’,
Is bound to start some sort of spat,
While ‘carrot heads’ might give offence,
To red tops with no humour sense.

And then the teeth, the perfect set,
As uniform as one can get,
And they must be for this young star,
White as a Milka chocolate bar.

And that is it … but I forgot,
These days one really just cannot,
Say whether it’s a girl or boy,
That you’d prefer in your employ.

Is this then all LGBT?*
Like double dutch to you and me,
So maybe this has gone too far,
To advertise a chocolate bar!

*  see picture?

TWO Ps OR NOT TWO Ps

piggy bank

It is reported that the Government ordered no one or two pence coins from the Royal Mint in 2018, saying that there were already enough in circulation.

This topic may not be so new,
I’ve written it before for you,
But maybe things have changed somewhat,
So let’s now have another shot.

The Government was asked one day,
How many copper coins now they,
Had asked the Royal Mint to press,
To keep transactions free of stress;
That’s coins of one and two p size,
To maintain currency supplies.

The answer when it came was strange,
And outside the expected range,
It wasn’t big, it wasn’t small,
They said they needed none at all.

“A – ha,” you’re thinking, “that must mean,
These coins with pictures of the Queen,
Which now no longer have much clout,
Are probably to be phased out.”

“Not so, not so,” comes the reply,
“The numbers we still have are high,
And so it really does make sense,
To use up these small coins of pence.

We’re sure that there will be enough,
To get your change when buying stuff,
But not so many that they will,
Clog up the supermarket till.”

You can believe that if you like,
It might forestall a pricing hike,
But surely these two coins won’t last –
Their usefulness has long since passed!

THE LAST STRAW!

milkshake

It is reported that McDonald’s new paper straws cannot be recycled, unlike the old plastic ones they replaced.

“McDonald’s here, you know we said,
That plastic straws both white and red,
Would be replaced with paper types,
To be recycled, ending gripes.

We’ve tried it now, it doesn’t work,
And staff have almost gone berserk;
They keep them separate then are told,
We can’t now get new straws from old.

We tried so hard, you won’t believe,
The other things we have achieved,
But in the case of drinking straws,
The reason for this is because,
We’ve had to make them extra thick,
’Cos you don’t drink your milk shakes quick.

So really it is not our fault,
This back to plastic by default,
And earth can’t come back from the brink,
Till you more quickly drink your drink.”

CASH MACHINE, OCH AYE THA NOO

cashpoint

It is reported that Britain’s remotest cash machine at Durness, Sutherland, north west Scotland has been closed leaving residents and tourists with a 100 mile round trip to use another. So better to get a wee bit o’ cash beforehand and stick tae it; an we’re in the reet place for that!

The Scots like money, that is true,
They stick to it, och aye tha noo,
But do they spend it? It a fact,
There’s not much evidence for that.

But even though they don’t spend much,
On tartan kilts and trews and such,
They always like most every day,
To keep a few notes tucked away.

And that’s the problem, I am sure,
The notes required were getting fewer,
And so the bank that did dispense,
Found it no longer made much sense,
To keep the cashpoint counting right,
Through every morning, noon and night.

And so along with other cuts,
No consultation, ifs or buts,
This cash machine, now little used,
Has had its last reprieve refused.

There is a moral to this verse,
Which is that things can’t get much worse,
Than when Scots can’t get notes – a few –
To show they stick to them like glue!