SPEAKS DIRECT

Christmas Fair 26-11-2010

It is reported that Sport Direct has issued an order that bans its employees from speaking foreign languages at work – including Welsh. Not sure about Scotland; perhaps he hasn’t taken on the Sturgeon yet.

Mike Ashley has the strongest views,
Including language to be used,
In his warehouses, vans and shops,
To stop him getting in a strop.

All words said must in English be,
No German, Spanish, or Chinee,
And this applies to any role,
And those employees on parole.

One reason given’s HSE –
What other reason could there be? –
So everyone will understand,
While working in the Sports D land,
Just where to go and what to do,
And when it’s best to use the loo.

And also they should be polite,
With all the words they read and write,
So customers more likely will,
Keep coming back to use the till.

But some folk who in Welsh can speak,
Have said it is a real cheek,
And in fact it’s completely wrong,
They can’t speak in their native tongue.

Perhaps they know swear words in Welsh,
Like ‘Daion fi’ or ‘Blendithiwych fy enaed’*,
So if they want a private moan,
They can use swear words of their own.

So now a dispute may arise,
Court cases could materialise,
’Til one side stops and just gives in,
’Cos this is a ‘Storm mewn tywyn!’**

* Like ‘goodness me!’or ‘bless my soul!’
**‘Storm in a …….’
* And anyway, it seems nothing in English rhymes with ‘Welsh’.

Image – Martin Pettitt / Flickr / Creative Commons

FOR RICHER, FOR POORER

Jeff bezos

It is reported that on 27 July 2017 Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, briefly became the world’s richest man before being knocked off the number one slot by Microsoft’s Bill Gates.

Jeff Bezos is a wealthy man,
He saves his pennies where he can,
And though he hasn’t been a flop,
He’s never quite got to the top.

Until, that is, one day last week,
When Amazon shares hit a peak,
And Bezos’ wealth was then propelled
Up by the number that he held.

So on that day the man became,
The richest in the world by name,
And likely he thought on that date,
He should find time to celebrate.

But Bezos rather modest is,
And by the time he’d bought the fizz,
Then checked again to see what’s what,
By then he’d been pushed off top slot.

It really came as no surprise,
To find out that his swift demise,
Was all because his friend Bill Gates,
Had pushed him back to second place.

So with the Champagne what to do?
He thought he might drink just a few,
Then sell the rest at bargain rates,
To richest man – that’s still Bill Gates!

MORRI-SINGHS-BURY’S

Morrisons_Supermarket

It is reported that a Tyneside grocer has removed his SINGHSBURY’S sign over his shop replacing it with MORRISINGHS; Sainsbury’s objected while Morrisons didn’t.

A shopkeeper thought it was fine,
To trade beneath an orange sign,
Proclaiming then his name to be,
Ten letters spelling Singhsbury.

He thought it all looked rather nice,
Most people would look at it twice,
And at the risk of whiplash ache,
They’d mostly do a double take.

But nonetheless they’d go inside,
Buy eggs that might be boiled or fried,
And other groceries as well,
Depending what the shop might sell.

It all went well until one day,
A man called round from Sainsbury, J,
And said, “You cannot use that sign,
Because the copyright is mine.”

The grocer said, “Oh very well,
Most people think it’s rather swell.
But I’ll see how the shop till rings,
With my new sign of Morrisinghs.

I will ask their permission though,
Because I do not want to go,
And have another new sign made,
If under it I cannot trade.”

But Morrisons, when asked, said, “Fine,
You have our blessing with your sign.
We do not mind, it’s for the best,
And hope your clients are impressed.

We hope you’ll go from strength to strength,
Expanding through the breadth and length,
Of Britain and including where,
Sainsbury’s still have the biggest share.

And so today we wish you well,
Put up your sign, go out and sell,
And when you get increased demand,
Be sure you’re ready to expand.

And as for Sainsbury’s tough reply,
We are not sure exactly why,
They spoke those words straight from their mouth,
But then, of course, they’re from the south!

Image – Betty Longbottom / Wikimedia commons

REALLY BAD OR REALLY GOOD?

Car_tailpipe_2

It is reported that Donald Trump has told Angela Merkel that the Germans are ‘really bad’ for exporting millions of cars to the USA. Really bad. And the emissions test cheating saga rumbles on.

Now Donald Trump just loves to tweet,
They are so short he thinks they’re neat,
And are for any short confab,
Just perfect for his small vocab.

So just this week he was quite terse,
With just a few words, not in verse,
When he said Germany was bad,
Because he’d now found out it had,
Been exporting too many cars,
Some of which had three-pointed stars.

“This will not do!” he said today,
“From this point on you’ll have to pay
A higher rate of import tax,
Because we have been far too lax.”

The Germans said, “We are not fools.
To do that is against the rules.

You say that we are ‘really bad’,
Because of the success we’ve had.
But you have got it all to cock,
And this may now come as a shock:
Your folk have not misunderstood,
And think our cars are ‘really good’.

So ‘good’, not ‘bad’, you ought to say,
If you should tweet your words today,
Our cars are really quite the best,
Apart from the emissions test.”

Image – De Facto / Wikimedia commons

SMALL PRINT TO DISAPPEAR

contract

It is reported that the Government is intending to require companies to shorten and simplify the terms and conditions they expect consumers to understand and accept.

WHEREAS the Government’s concerned,
That folk at school have not much learned,
So when they’re faced with Ts and Cs,
It’s only those who have degrees,
And therefore been a graduand,
That have a chance to understand.

The first thing is they can be long,
Far more so than an iTunes song,
Which now determines what kids can,
Achieve for their attention span.

And songs have words that do repeat,
Ten times before the song’s complete,
So if one phrase they can recall,
They probably could sing it all.

The other problem is the words,
Some of which can sound quite absurd,
Like inasmuchas, heretofore –
I could go on for there are more.

But most of us don’t even try,
To read these words by means of eye.
We simply blindly tick the box,
Which means that for that pair of socks,
We’d set our heart on we’re OK,
With anything that comes our way.

All this is bad, this legal blah,
You’ll concur if you’ve read this far,
’Cos if the socks you’ve bought don’t last,
You would want to return them fast.

But if you’ve signed your rights away,
You might lose all you had to pay,
Then when you go for jogs or strolls,
You’re wearing socks all full of holes.

So reading terms is really cool,
But they’re much too long as a rule,
And this is now the problem that,
The Government plans to combat.

So in the future terms will be,
As short as short as short can be,
And so that they won’t disappoint,
They should be shown in bullet point.

Then anyone of any age,
Their doubts on purchase can assuage,
By reading something no more long,
Than lyrics in an iTunes song.

Image – Pixabay

TRUMPS TERRIBLE TWEETS

twitter-logo

It is reported that Twitter has continued to make a loss despite its incessant use by Donald Trump which was expected to boost its revenues.

The Twitter force was almost spent,
When the new US government,
Led by one Donald Trump, no less,
Use it the people to address.

So Twitter from that day became,
The Government in all but name,
For policy, commands and all,
And information on the wall.

It was the means by which you knew,
What edicts had been issued to,
Officials who would them enact,
And generally with little tact.

So everybody thought Trump was,
A saviour now arrived because,
As Twitter users caught the news,
It should increase its revenues.

But no, this hasn’t quite worked out,
Despite the fact that Trump’s got clout,
Its revenues stay in decline,
Despite his tweeting asinine.

So is this once again Trump’s curse?
Affecting business as diverse,
As fashion to his girl’s dismay,
And Twitter as we see today.

Trump boasts about his business skills,
That he knows how to fill the tills,
But usually he interacts,
With flunkeys who might give him facts,
And should they say not ‘yes’ but ‘no’,
Then out the door they will soon go.

But speaking to the common man,
He should remember if he can,
That customers and voters say,
They’ll not take insults in that way.

For soon the people might rebel,
Will make his life just complete hell,
A revolution would be worst –
It would indeed not be the first!

Image – Pixabay

BRING BACK THE CHARCOAL BURNERS

charcoal-burners

It is reported that Donald Trump has promised to restore closed-down industries to the USA.

The Donald Trump that we all know,
Has promised that he’ll strike a blow,
For US workers, some at least,
Whose jobs have gone to the Far East.

Some of the firms back then went bust,
And factories were just left to rust,
So Trump has promised with no wait,
These factories he will reinstate.

So gone will be the mould and rust,
Then everyone can earn a crust,
And industries of old they lack,
Will very soon be coming back.

The charcoal burners will be first,
For their fate’s really been the worst;
It’s centuries since they last worked,
Or in some cases, maybe shirked.

And then the coopers, wheelwrights too,
If they remember what to do,
Plus sailmakers who I’m afraid,
Have little for the navy made,
For probably two hundred years,
Since companies were trading furs.

But one thing that he has not said,
Is if things won’t be in the red,
The workers’ wages if you please,
Must be the same as the Chinese.

The prospect, then, does not look swell,
And probably won’t go down well,
There might be more than grunts and bleats,
Like rioting down in the streets.

Image – Wikimedia commons