MORE EUROS PLEASE

Wine red

It is reported that European Commissioners are travelling extravagantly and being paid expenses without having to submit receipts.

So what is new? This is folklore,
And we have heard it all before;
The leaders of the great EU,
Have always known just what to do,
To travel in the way that’s best,
No matter North, South, East or West.

So when they fly they travel first,
Which means their leg-room’s more dispersed,
And though there is Champagne on tap,
There’s that bit more room for a nap.

But sometimes first class is too plain,
So they might want to think again,
And since there’s still more money yet,
They might quite like a private jet.

Now private jets do not come cheap,
And though the EU’s pockets deep,
They’re struggling now to pay the fare,
To keep their people in the air.

So what to do? The cash is short,
And still more tickets must be bought;
Perhaps they could tell Mrs May,
In Brexit she will have to pay.

A hundred billion might do,
The UK paying isn’t new,
So they will know just how to send,
The money for them all to spend.

The Brits will doubtless moan and bitch,
And go on endlessly ’bout which,
Clause in the treaty says that they,
Have anything at all to pay.

They’ll say the figure is too high,
But you know just as well as I,
That if your spending at their rate,
A hundred billion isn’t great!

Image – Les Haines / Flickr

GARDER À GAUCHE

Citroen 2CV half

It is reported that the authorities in Calais are planning that everyone should drive on the left during the Bank holiday weekend in May 2018 as a kind gesture to the Brexiting British.

The French have got une bonne idée,
Although it may not seem that way,
They plan one weekend next year, spring,
That people who their cars do bring,
For just a few days they all might,
Drive on the left and not the right.

“The Brits will like it,” says the mayor,
“For when they come from over there,
Such driving will avoid the queues,
As they stock up on bargain booze.

They’ll find it’s really very good,
Will spend and drink more than they should,
And when they are all set to load,
They will not have to cross the road.

So they will load up twice as fast,
The first box right through to the last,
And if they’re sober when they leave,
That’s something I would disbelieve.”

“But what about the French?” you ask,
“For them it will be such a task,
To navigate on left not right,
And some of them might start a fight.”

“We’ve thought of that,” the mayor replied,
“And we are keeping them on side.
We’ve told them it’s a chance to learn,
For something that they mostly yearn,
Which is to leave this place Calais,
And go and live in the U.K!”

Image -High Contrast / Wikimedia commons

SMURFRIES

Chips

It is reported that the EU is insisting that the Belgians change their recipe for making chips so as to avoid the formation of acrylamide which is bad for health.

The Belgians always fry chips twice,
Which is what makes them extra nice,
But the EU says if thus fried,
They will contain acrylamide.

They say the temperature’s too high,
They should parboil before they fry,
And if they do their chips will be,
The safest they can ever be.

Smurflanders say, “This is all rot!
To parboil’s something we will not!
We know all this ’cos we are wise,
And don’t want any soggy fries.

The Belgian method is so good,
The chips turn out just like they should,
With centres soft and crisp outside,
They are the best you’ve ever tried.”

The EU then backs off a bit,
“We really do not want to sit,
In judgement on your Belgian fries,
Or what they ought to be in size.

But health and safety’s number one,
So when your chips are being done,
Do keep below one seven five,
So there’ll be no acrylamide.

And then you ought to be all right,
Can eat your chips both day and night,
But it’s still not quite ‘All right Jack’ –
You might still have a heart attack!”

Image – Jeremy Keith / Flickr

HOW TO PEEL A BANANA

Banana Dolphins

It is reported that bananas should be peeled starting at the non-stalk end.

Bananas come, bananas go,
But one thing that you ought to know,
When opening one is your intent,
No matter be it straight or bent,
Is from which end you ought to peel,
So to prepare it for your meal.

Now monkeys, ’cos they’re very smart,
All know at which end they should start;
It’s not the stalk end that they choose,
Instead the other one they use.

So we should take our cue from them,
No longer starting at the stem,
Then as we do prepare our treat,
Our enjoyment will be complete.

And so that we will peel this way,
You ought to know ’til Brexit day,
Procedures for this simple chore,
Will be enshrined in EU law.

FROTTER LEUR NEZ DEDANS

May 09 Macron

It is reported that Emmanuel Macron, the new French President elect, entered his first speech engagement to the music of Ode to Joy, the anthem of the European Union, rather than La Marseillaise as might have been expected.

Macron’s just beaten Ms Le Pen,
The leader of right-wing FN,
Which said it would stand up for the,
Country against the EEC.

Most people were quite keen on this,
Have tendencies quite nationalist,
And would have voted for Le Pen,
If she’d not been in the FN,
With all it’s dark unpleasant past,
At which they mostly were aghast.

They voted therefore for Macron,
So the conclusion was foregone,
He certainly was not a slob,
But just the best of a bad job.

One might have thought then when he won,
The first thing that he might have done,
Would be to show that he was smart,
And had the people’s France at heart.

But no! As he made to address,
His first meeting you’d never guess,
The music played was Ode to Joy,
Quite likely therefore to annoy,
Those folk not wanting to stargaze,
And who preferred La Marseillaise.

So this was Macron’s first mistake,
For though he did the most votes take,
They only voted for him then,
Because they didn’t like FN.

So now he really must take care,
With demonstrations in the air,
He should be careful how he goes,
And not to get up people’s nose!

Ecole Polytechnique Université / Flickr

MACRON WINS!

Macron

It is reported that Emmanuel Macron has won the French presidential election.

So Macron wins, donc quelle surprise,
And he achieved the feat with ease,
For everybody thought he would,
But not because he’s any good,
Rather they liked less Ms Le Pen,
Who’ll have to wait to try again.

Most will heave a sigh of relief,
That Ms Le Pen has come to grief,
But some will curse and likely say,
They don’t want Macron anyway.

His party is so very new,
He might not know quite what to do,
And so whatever his intent,
It may be the French Parliament,
Will get itself into a stew,
And frustrate what he wants to do.

But that is for a later date –
That’s what I think at any rate –
And though true fans may be quite few,
He’s very keen on the EU.

And the EU is keen on him,
For if he’d lost things would be grim,
With Ms Le Pen determined to,
An awful lot of trouble brew.

But now they think all is secured,
The EU’s future now assured,
And they might think that from this day,
Opponents will all fade away.

So to reward this French result,
Claude Juncker has sought to insult,
The British, saying from next week,
He will no longer English speak.

I s’pose when Brexit is complete,
The only English-speaking state,
Remaining in the then EU,
Is Ireland who speak Irish too.

So English may then cease to be,
Une langue officielle de l’UE,
But if English is not then used,
Things could get terribly confused.

But back to France where it may seem,
La langue Francaise now reigns supreme,
And though for now they are quite chuffed,
The Germans might yet see them stuffed!

Image: Gouvernement Francais

MANDARINS AT FIFTY PACES

santa-clausJuncker

It is reported that Jean Claude Juncker, speaking in French, has given a speech in Italy claiming that the English language is in decline. Strangely, a man dressed as Father Christmas was standing just behind him.

That Jean Claude Juncker is a pain,
And now he’s in the news again,
Proclaiming between sips of wine,
That English is in slow decline.

He must have wanted to impress,
As someone wearing fancy dress,
Stood just behind him as he spoke,
Clad top to toe in Santa’s cloak.

The reason for this wasn’t clear,
But maybe he spoke in his ear,
To tell him what he ought to say,
To irritate our Mrs May.

But anyway I do digress,
Distracted by the Christmas dress,
So back now to the point in hand,
Which does seem hard to understand.

He said that he in French would speak,
To people there including Greek,
So if that’s wise we’ll have to see –
He was in fact in Italy.

His speech seemed inclined to annoy,
Just like a naughty little boy,
Who having talked to Mrs May,
Found that he couldn’t get his way.

But back to language, he should know,
The earth’s most popular lingo,
Is Mandarin which Chinese speak,
So maybe he’ll insist next week,
That Brexit talks which will be long,
Must be held in the Chinese tongue.

This odd suggestion from a clown,
Might possibly just slow things down,
And if proposed to Mrs May,
Is likely to be blown away.

But first she’ll seek FO advice,
Like whether it means eating rice,
Or whether talks in Mandarin,
Might be more difficult to spin.

But in all this my greatest fear,
Is their advice might not be clear,
And in reply to Mrs May,
They might well get confused and say:
“We really don’t know what you mean,
This is a type of tangerine!”

Image – European People’s Party / Flickr & anr