SMURFRIES

Chips

It is reported that the EU is insisting that the Belgians change their recipe for making chips so as to avoid the formation of acrylamide which is bad for health.

The Belgians always fry chips twice,
Which is what makes them extra nice,
But the EU says if thus fried,
They will contain acrylamide.

They say the temperature’s too high,
They should parboil before they fry,
And if they do their chips will be,
The safest they can ever be.

Smurflanders say, “This is all rot!
To parboil’s something we will not!
We know all this ’cos we are wise,
And don’t want any soggy fries.

The Belgian method is so good,
The chips turn out just like they should,
With centres soft and crisp outside,
They are the best you’ve ever tried.”

The EU then backs off a bit,
“We really do not want to sit,
In judgement on your Belgian fries,
Or what they ought to be in size.

But health and safety’s number one,
So when your chips are being done,
Do keep below one seven five,
So there’ll be no acrylamide.

And then you ought to be all right,
Can eat your chips both day and night,
But it’s still not quite ‘All right Jack’ –
You might still have a heart attack!”

Image – Jeremy Keith / Flickr

HOW TO PEEL A BANANA

Banana Dolphins

It is reported that bananas should be peeled starting at the non-stalk end.

Bananas come, bananas go,
But one thing that you ought to know,
When opening one is your intent,
No matter be it straight or bent,
Is from which end you ought to peel,
So to prepare it for your meal.

Now monkeys, ’cos they’re very smart,
All know at which end they should start;
It’s not the stalk end that they choose,
Instead the other one they use.

So we should take our cue from them,
No longer starting at the stem,
Then as we do prepare our treat,
Our enjoyment will be complete.

And so that we will peel this way,
You ought to know ’til Brexit day,
Procedures for this simple chore,
Will be enshrined in EU law.

FROTTER LEUR NEZ DEDANS

May 09 Macron

It is reported that Emmanuel Macron, the new French President elect, entered his first speech engagement to the music of Ode to Joy, the anthem of the European Union, rather than La Marseillaise as might have been expected.

Macron’s just beaten Ms Le Pen,
The leader of right-wing FN,
Which said it would stand up for the,
Country against the EEC.

Most people were quite keen on this,
Have tendencies quite nationalist,
And would have voted for Le Pen,
If she’d not been in the FN,
With all it’s dark unpleasant past,
At which they mostly were aghast.

They voted therefore for Macron,
So the conclusion was foregone,
He certainly was not a slob,
But just the best of a bad job.

One might have thought then when he won,
The first thing that he might have done,
Would be to show that he was smart,
And had the people’s France at heart.

But no! As he made to address,
His first meeting you’d never guess,
The music played was Ode to Joy,
Quite likely therefore to annoy,
Those folk not wanting to stargaze,
And who preferred La Marseillaise.

So this was Macron’s first mistake,
For though he did the most votes take,
They only voted for him then,
Because they didn’t like FN.

So now he really must take care,
With demonstrations in the air,
He should be careful how he goes,
And not to get up people’s nose!

Ecole Polytechnique Université / Flickr

MACRON WINS!

Macron

It is reported that Emmanuel Macron has won the French presidential election.

So Macron wins, donc quelle surprise,
And he achieved the feat with ease,
For everybody thought he would,
But not because he’s any good,
Rather they liked less Ms Le Pen,
Who’ll have to wait to try again.

Most will heave a sigh of relief,
That Ms Le Pen has come to grief,
But some will curse and likely say,
They don’t want Macron anyway.

His party is so very new,
He might not know quite what to do,
And so whatever his intent,
It may be the French Parliament,
Will get itself into a stew,
And frustrate what he wants to do.

But that is for a later date –
That’s what I think at any rate –
And though true fans may be quite few,
He’s very keen on the EU.

And the EU is keen on him,
For if he’d lost things would be grim,
With Ms Le Pen determined to,
An awful lot of trouble brew.

But now they think all is secured,
The EU’s future now assured,
And they might think that from this day,
Opponents will all fade away.

So to reward this French result,
Claude Juncker has sought to insult,
The British, saying from next week,
He will no longer English speak.

I s’pose when Brexit is complete,
The only English-speaking state,
Remaining in the then EU,
Is Ireland who speak Irish too.

So English may then cease to be,
Une langue officielle de l’UE,
But if English is not then used,
Things could get terribly confused.

But back to France where it may seem,
La langue Francaise now reigns supreme,
And though for now they are quite chuffed,
The Germans might yet see them stuffed!

Image: Gouvernement Francais

MANDARINS AT FIFTY PACES

santa-clausJuncker

It is reported that Jean Claude Juncker, speaking in French, has given a speech in Italy claiming that the English language is in decline. Strangely, a man dressed as Father Christmas was standing just behind him.

That Jean Claude Juncker is a pain,
And now he’s in the news again,
Proclaiming between sips of wine,
That English is in slow decline.

He must have wanted to impress,
As someone wearing fancy dress,
Stood just behind him as he spoke,
Clad top to toe in Santa’s cloak.

The reason for this wasn’t clear,
But maybe he spoke in his ear,
To tell him what he ought to say,
To irritate our Mrs May.

But anyway I do digress,
Distracted by the Christmas dress,
So back now to the point in hand,
Which does seem hard to understand.

He said that he in French would speak,
To people there including Greek,
So if that’s wise we’ll have to see –
He was in fact in Italy.

His speech seemed inclined to annoy,
Just like a naughty little boy,
Who having talked to Mrs May,
Found that he couldn’t get his way.

But back to language, he should know,
The earth’s most popular lingo,
Is Mandarin which Chinese speak,
So maybe he’ll insist next week,
That Brexit talks which will be long,
Must be held in the Chinese tongue.

This odd suggestion from a clown,
Might possibly just slow things down,
And if proposed to Mrs May,
Is likely to be blown away.

But first she’ll seek FO advice,
Like whether it means eating rice,
Or whether talks in Mandarin,
Might be more difficult to spin.

But in all this my greatest fear,
Is their advice might not be clear,
And in reply to Mrs May,
They might well get confused and say:
“We really don’t know what you mean,
This is a type of tangerine!”

Image – European People’s Party / Flickr & anr

WHEN I’M SIXTY-FOUR

Beatles

It is reported that the European Union is holding a celebration in Rome to mark its sixtieth birthday but the United Kingdom has not been invited.

This weekend sees a thing quite rash,
The EU’s got a birthday bash,
To celebrate its sixty years,
But sadly, it might end in tears.

The twenty-seven have left home,
Will party through the night in Rome,
But Britain’s PM, Mrs May,
Is not invited there today.

That is despite the fact that we
Have not yet left the EEC,
And so we should have an invite,
To join the junket there tonight.

But anyway, I do digress,
The whole EU is in distress,
Though as speeches will doubtless say,
The union is intact today.

And while this may be strictly true,
It should be plain to me and you,
That in a few days – three or four –
The intactness will be no more.

Maybe then starts the slow decline,
Of this club some think asinine,
And if more countries want to quit,
Some people say that might be it.

But we should not too churlish be,
It’s got to sixty as we see,
And if it does a few years more,
It might just get to sixty-four.

Then:
‘When it gets older, losing its hair,
Several years from now …
Will you still need it, will you still feed it,
When it’s sixty-four?’

With apologies to the The Beatles.

Image – Wikipedia

BREXIT BLAIR

blair-1

It is reported that Tony Blair has given a speech insisting that people voted in ignorance to leave the EU and that they should be persuaded to change their minds.

So Tony Blair’s back in the news,
Expounding yet again his views,
And this time we’ve all got it wrong –
To the EU we should belong.

So last June when we voted out,
Our knowledge was so close to nowt,
That we knew not what was in store,
And hence what we were voting for.

So he says we must try again,
What he’s up to is very plain,
It’s what he and the EU say,
When someone’s voted the wrong way.

The EU has done this before,
A few times – I think three or four –
And it’s the same with the Scots Nats.,
Who pretend to be democrats.

But fortunately, you might say,
He’s not in government today,
It’s obvious he’s feeling sore,
So best to just the man ignore.

And this is not just my advice,
That Boris Johnson’s said it twice,
And how could people not agree,
With one who is as smart as he!

Image – Wikipedia