VIDEO REF

Football school

It is reported that parents are using video recordings to challenge referee decisions on school sports days.

Sports played at school should be for fun,
And that is how they should be run,
With teachers being referees,
But that can some parents displease.

The problem is the parents stand,
With cameras and iPhones in hand;
They film the whole lot blow by blow,
Then tell the ref where he can go.

The ref ignores them, he’s no fool,
He knows that he’s in charge at school,
But parents might the pitch invade –
A step that can be retrograde.

They hold their phones, they stand around,
The referee, though, stands his ground,
And as they let their cameras roll,
They argue if it was a goal.

The ref’s polite, he has to be,
He might admit he didn’t see,
But there upon the field of play,
It doesn’t matter anyway.

For the ref has the final word,
If not it would be quite absurd,
And all the parents who did scoff,
Will now be by the ref sent off.

So if your child is playing sport,
And this applies to any sort,
Just let them play, you bide your time,
And have another glass of wine.

And if you’ve brought too much for you,
The ref would likely want one too!

POEMS PLEASE

Bedtime stories

It is reported that listening to poetry at bedtime is vital for the early development of children. I’ll drink to that. Hic!

Someone – a poet I should think –
Says every little kiddywink,
Should at each bedtime be exposed,
To stories read in verse, not prose.

They’ll likely fail to understand,
Stories like A in Wonderland,
But it’s essential still to share,
These famous stories like Pooh Bear.

They like the rhythm and the rhyme,
Which they’ll remember every time;
And if the words are not too rude,
Their growing brains will be imbued,
With knowledge, skills and reasoning,
Which prose can only partly bring.

So if you want your kids to thrive,
From birth until the age of five,
You should read poems while you wean,
Including those by Mr Bean!

He’s written lots, there are all types,
Each sure to stop an infant’s gripes;
So for your daughter or your son,
Go buy them all on Amazon!

Image – Nadia308 / Flickr

LITTLE MISS THORNBERRY

Mr Men

It is reported that Emily Thornberry, the Shadow Foreign Secretary, in an interview on Good Morning Britain, said that she regards the ever popular Little Miss books by Roger Hargreaves as unacceptable and wants them to be retitled Ms. And without the ‘Little’.

You’ve heard of Mr Men I’m sure,
A set of books that does endure,
And after them came Little Miss,
Published under the same aegis.

They tell the tales of hapless folk,
And mostly at them fun do poke;
But now someone has checked and found,
That taking both books in the round,
The Little Miss who doesn’t snog,
Is generally the underdog.

So Ms Thornberry – yes that’s she:
The Shadow Foreign Secretary –
Says, “I can discuss this with you –
It’s most important that I do.

First, saying ‘Little’s very poor,
As it just serves to underscore,
That women might not be as good,
As I, for one, believe they should.

And then when you begin to read,
Suspicions are confirmed indeed,
When you discover, if you count,
The storylines are tantamount,
To showing that the Little Miss,
More often has to acquiesce,
Than Mr Men who are more bold –
At least that’s what the reader’s told.

So out with ‘Little’, also ‘Miss’,
Because we should not stand for this;
It should be changed to ‘Ms’ I say –
Till then it’s top of my in tray!

Image – Sam Howzit / Flickr

THE GUINEA PIG GUINEA PIGS

Guinea pigs

It is reported that a Cambridge College is providing students with guinea pigs to see if it will ease their stress levels and improve their mental wellbeing.

The guinea pig is quite well-known,
It can be small and on its own,
Or these words can be used to say:
Experiments are under way.

But now in Cambridge both are true,
With gps (gee pees) being issued to,
Their students who are under stress,
To see if it will make it less.

They house them in a box of straw,
Hold them each day while saying “Awww …”,
And when their stress is low enough,
They do their academic stuff.

So will it work? That is the key;
It’s not been tried before, you see.
But if it does all should take heed –
These pigs are guinea pigs indeed.

Image – Karen Crewdson

STARTER FOR TEN

University Challenge

It is reported that the producers of University Challenge, having realised that most of their questions are about men rather than women, have decided to improve gender equality by asking more questions about famous women. The problem is that there doesn’t seem to be enough of them and so this has made the questions too difficult.

You’ve seen the programme, heard the Qs,
If there, you would be bound to lose,
For all the questions that are set,
Are really pretty hard to get.

And those that set them, who are wise,
Have now found out to their surprise,
That mostly they concern a male –
A fact that’s now beyond the pale.

Of course, this must be put right now,
They all agree but not on how;
But, as a start, there’ll be less men,
In all their starters – most for ten.

But there the problems just begin,
For questions which have women in,
Seem to be few and far between,
Despite our now PM and Queen.

So now they must the barrel scrape,
To try the balance to reshape,
But as this balance they regain,
Contestants find it’s now a pain.

For these new questions they are asked,
Are proving to be such a task,
That racking their brains as they might,
They really can’t get any right.

No starters right, no bonus Qs,
So both teams could be set to lose,
Which could provoke a dreadful row,
Lest they swat up on women now.

Image – Dan Brickley

TICKED OFF

Clock

It is reported that schools are finding that some teenagers have difficulty telling the time with a traditional clock and so they are putting digital clocks in examination rooms so as not to disadvantage the thickies.

I thought most folk could tell the time,
Though most clocks work in prose, not rhyme,
But some teenagers in the land,
Find it quite hard to understand,
The analogue type of clock face,
Which, at their age, is a disgrace.

You see clocks like this all around,
Some silent, others make a sound,
But I suppose you have to do,
Some urgent sums if you want to,
See what, in minutes, it is past,
The hour the hand was showing last.

So one means five and two means ten,
This carries on till thirty when,
The time switches from ‘past’ to ‘to’,
Which makes the sum more hard to do.

So maybe this the problem is,
And why the teens get in a tizz,
As sitting there they start to clam,
In middle of a maths exam.

But Latin scholars get ahead,
Because, as I have not yet said,
A lot of clocks have Is and Vs,
Which most of them can read with ease.

But even Latin speakers will,
Not get it right because they still,
Although they mostly are not dumb,
Have problems with that simple sum.

So what to do? Should we re-train,
Teenagers to improve the brain?
Or is it only we old crocs,
Who don’t need digits on the clocks?

OI YOU!

Etiquette

It is reported that the Head of English at Ruislip High School has said that children will not learn etiquette and politeness if their teachers are rude and fail to set a good example.

Most people like to be polite,
To say and do what they think’s right,
And some of them, I’d like to bet,
Strive for the perfect etiquette.

A lot of this is learnt at school,
Where you would expect, as a rule,
Teachers to be polite each day,
Unless, of course, their tempers fray.

But even when they’re under stress,
They really should, well, more or less,
Try to a good example set,
Especially with etiquette.

So, ‘Good morning’ and ‘afternoon’,
And other phrases opportune,
Like, ‘In the corridors don’t rush’,
And, ‘Can we have a bit of hush’.

And one must not forget to use,
A sprinkling of those Ps and Qs,
So when the kids are out at night,
They might still try to be polite.

So no more rudeness in the class,
Which, if you’re posh, will rhyme with arse;
Such thoughts should not be entertained,
So etiquette can be maintained.