CLASSROOM CLEAN

Cleaner cartoon

It is reported that a school in Tooting cannot afford a cleaner and so the children are helping to do the cleaning after school.

“Now welcome to ‘Time After School’,
We haven’t done this as a rule,
But now we’ve no more Mrs Jones,
About this I will make no bones,
Just like the dwarfs that dig and delve,
We’ll have to clean the place ourselves.

It isn’t hard, will soon be done,
And though it’s not exactly fun,
When you get started you will find,
It isn’t that much of a grind.

We’ll wipe the tables, mop the floor,
Shine-up the handle on the door,
Stack all the chairs quite straight and neat,
And that’s the first bit all complete.

Next there’s the playground to be swept –
Don’t dare pretend to be inept –
We’ll just do sections I will mark,
So you’re all done before it’s dark.

And finally, there is the loo,
Which smells as if it’s overdue,
Most likely ’cos of your poor aim,
But it needs cleaning just the same.

So out with cleaners, soap and bleach,
Things normally kept out of reach,
And which, I hope you’ll comprehend,
Are just for cleaning round the bend.”

POWER SHOWER

Shower symbol

It is reported that girls are increasingly abandoning sport at ages as young as eight as it is seen as unfeminine and it is thought that this situation would improve if better-smelling soap were provided in the changing rooms and lavatories.

If you’re a girl and still at school,
You may find as a general rule,
That changing rooms are not so nice –
Places you wouldn’t visit twice.

They may be clean or maybe not,
The showers tepid, seldom hot,
And these privations, it’s now thought,
Discourage you from doing sport.

Now sport is good, you must agree,
It keeps you slim as one can see,
And now we’ve come up with a way,
To make sure that you’ll want to play.

The plan is simple in extreme:
Providing face and body cream,
And also soap and posh shampoo,
Plus super-soft rolls in the loo

The boys, though, will not get the same,
And they’ve only themselves to blame,
Because it seems they just don’t care,
And will get changed most anywhere.

We hope this will encourage you,
To stick at sports now – just a few,
And that is it so there you are –
Your very own sport mini spa!

SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!

School

It is reported that the Supreme Court has ruled that parents must not take their children out of school for holidays etc. without the headmaster’s permission and also it is reported that Jeremy Corbyn is proposing free school meals for all children which, he claims, will improve their concentration, the meals to be paid for by charging VAT on private and public school fees.

“Now Johnny, there’s good news today,
’Cos I’ve just booked a holiday;
We’re off to Disneyland next week,
And after that we’ll take a peek,
At the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls,
Plus other things your dad recalls,
Perhaps the CN Tower climb –
The holiday of a lifetime.

So when you go to school today,
Please take this note for it will say,
You’ll be off school as of tonight,
Which surely is a parent’s right.”

But Johnny seemed not too enthused,
“The note will likely be refused,
For it is quite against the rule,
So have such absences from school.”

“The trip is booked so I don’t care,
And surely once you tell them where,
You’re going then they will relent,
And see it will be time well-spent.”

“It just won’t wash, I have to say,
There was a case in court today,
And in his verdict he – the judge –
Said that’s the rule and would not budge.”

“But surely you don’t want to miss,
A holiday as good as this;
I really do not understand,
’Cos we will go to Disneyland;
You seem to have some other doubt,
So come on now and spit it out.”

There was a pause and then he spoke,
“I know this might sound like a joke,
And though you might have got good deals,
It means I will not get school meals.

They may be crap like Spam and chips,
And oranges all full of pips,
But Mr Corbyn does assure,
That if I do this food endure,
My concentration will increase,
Because of all the fat and grease.

So I will heed his good advice,
He doesn’t need to say it twice,
For of the wise things in his head,
This is the best he’s ever said!”

Image – Pixabay

TO WEE OR NOT TO WEE?

WC sign 2

It is reported that girls at Bedale High School in North Yorkshire have staged a protest over new rules restricting when they can go to the toilet.

“Now welcome all to school today,
You come here for to work and play,
But one thing that you should not do,
Is spend too much time in the loo.

It has been getting out of hand,
Mainly with those who sit, not stand,
And so we’ve introduced a rule,
Which says when you can wee at school.

The rule’s quite simple, this is it:
You simply have to wait a bit,
Until the next timetabled break,
But if it’s keeping you awake,
And you must go at any cost,
First try to keep your legs all crossed.

Then if it is still your belief,
That this does not provide relief,
You may request by means of chit,
Which must be signed in duplicate,
A special visit to the loo,
But take care not to jump the queue.

And that is it, the rule in fact,
Is very simple to enact,
And don’t forget when you next wee,
For now, at least, it is still free.”

Image – Pixabay

TOP TO TOE

Dress

It is reported that Boylan High School in the USA has issued a twenty-one page compulsory dress guides for its forthcoming prom, most of it being for women.

“Our dress code comes in several parts,
To make sure you don’t look like tarts;
For admittance, though it’s not free,
You have to dress with modesty.

So first off gents, please do wear suits,
With polished shoes but never boots,
And also you must wear a tie –
That’s just the rule so don’t ask why.

Now ladies, you must wear a dress,
And though we don’t want to obsess,
There are some simple rules for you,
Though you can wear most any shoe.

First is the neckline – not too low,
So there’s no cleavage that’s on show,
And then the length, please not too high,
It must be lower than mid-thigh,
And if it’s split then inches three,
Will be the max. above the knee.

That’s mostly it but round the back,
The bits back there should not be slack,
And the cut there should not be low,
Compared to right or left elbow.

To make this clear we have some pics.,
Of dresses on some gorgeous chicks,
Which show which dresses are OK,
To wear to this year’s prom today.

But other pictures in our guide,
Are really not so dignified,
Because these dresses break the rule,
Though boys would likely think them cool.

And that raises one final point,
Though we don’t want to disappoint,
These pics. show too much chest and thigh,
So boys do please avert your eye.”

Image – Flickr

QUEUEING MAGIC

queue-diagram

It is reported that a study published by University College London has found that six is a magic number where queueing is concerned.

When people stand around in queues,
It seldom gets into the news,
Because news pages are quite full,
And queueing can be pretty dull.

But on occasions people who,
Must not have very much to do,
Go out and find themselves a line,
Where they can stand to pass the time.

These clever people now conclude,
That queues that stop folk being rude,
Also teach foreigners to learn,
That they must stand and wait their turn.

But they’ve found one amazing fact,
Which human brains so far have lacked,
And that’s that a queue’s dynamics,
Are all described by number six!

We’ll queue six minutes then give up,
And go and find some tea to sup,
And more than six in front we mind,
But not if there are six behind,
And as for human interface,
We want our own six inch of space.

There isn’t that much more to write,
About how we queue day and night,
But you’ll have noticed I expect,
One thing on which we might reflect.

The metaphysics of the queue,
Described, as said, by three times two,
Is a number as we all know,
Not in the metric system so,
Since it’s confined to British land,
Most foreigners don’t understand.

And that is why, I put to you,
The British know how best to queue!

Image – Wikimedia commons

HEMLINES

school-uniform

It is reported that a school in Kent has adopted a strict dress code requiring skirts to be no more than two inches above the knee and is sending pupils home if they don’t comply.

At many elementary schools,
You’ll find a dress code and some rules,
Which set out what the kids should wear,
When they attend and study there.

They cover shoes and ties and socks,
How long the pupils wear their locks,
The type and colour of their shirts,
And also the length of their skirts.

The shortest length, one school decrees,
Is two inches above the knees,
For if the hemline is too high,
It might display a bit of thigh.

While this is possibly all right,
Down at the disco late at night,
It’s not appropriate for school,
Hence the existence of this rule.

But some girls and their parents too –
Don’t know how many, quite a few –
Say since the girls are wearing tights,
This is against their human rights,
And if from school they’re sent away,
It will end up in court one day.

The school said, “Well now, damn and drat!
We hadn’t really thought of that.
But having taken wise advice,
Which has been checked not once but twice,
No matter what the court might say,
It will be after Brexit day.

So do not be such silly fools,
And think you can just break the rules,
For now back home you have to go,
’Til your hem’s closer to the toe.

Then when it is you may return,
Resume your work so you may learn,
But don’t forget here at this school,
It’s we, not you, that make the rule.”

Image – Flickr