STUPID BOY! (Captain Mainwaring, Dad’s Army)

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It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn allegedly called the Prime Minister a ‘stupid woman’ in the Commons chamber. He denies it and says he said ‘stupid people’ but lip reading, even by the inexpert, appears to show the former rather than the latter.

The panto season’s in full swing,
With all the humour that it brings,
With lots of phrases, lots of words,
Exaggerating the absurd.

So in the Commons Mrs May,
At PMQs thought she would say,
A string of well-known panto lines,
To make fun without using rhymes.

But Mr Corbyn wasn’t pleased,
He doesn’t like thus being teased,
So then he thought he’d take his cue,
From Mainwaring like others do.

But he had to adapt a word,
From ‘stupid boy’ to what you heard,
Which some said was beyond the pale,
And more or less ‘stupid female’.

It took him time in his reply,
To work out how to best deny,
The words he used but it was clear,
The lips said what you couldn’t hear.

Lip reading experts all agreed,
‘Woman’ was what he said indeed,
For saying ‘people’ failed to fit,
The movement of his mouth or lip.

So in this quandary what to do?
The Speaker didn’t have a clue,
“Although it might seem quite absurd,
I have to take him at his word.”

Perhaps that’s it, perhaps it’s not,
These people argue such a lot;
This episode might run and run,
So there might be more panto fun.

So when you’re speaking do take care,
Some people might be watching there,
And if you plan to say things rude,
Do try to lip readers elude.

Image – Matt Brown / Flickr

SLOW DOWN PLEASE!

TV

It is reported that the Broadcasting Committee of Advertising Practice is to ban words speeding across television screens faster than 300 words per minute so that they can be read, especially by more elderly people.

We’ve all seen adverts where they show,
Words on the screen that seem to go,
From right to left at breakneck speed,
And far too fast for us to read.

Well, soon such things will be no more,
For better practice is in store,
As regulators, with a frown,
Decree the words must now slow down.

And that is it, they must comply,
Or else the judge will ask them why,
And if there is no good excuse,
Then he quite likely will deduce,
Their action constitutes a crime,
And issue them a hefty fine.

This new approach will help us all,
But we’ll still need the wherewithal,
To buy whatever it might be,
That on the TV screen we see.

So wear your specs and read quite fast,
From the first word until the last,
And though such words can make you bored,
Don’t spend more than you can afford.

POOR APU

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It is reported that Apu, the Indian shopkeeper in The Simpsons is to be dropped after somebody complained that the character was racist.

It seems to me there are today,
So many rules one must obey,
Regarding colour balance and,
Including people black or tanned.

If you do not some will complain,
And though it really is a pain,
To get the balance right is fraught,
And you might well end up in court.

The Simpsons tried to do this well,
With Apu who, as you can tell,
Is Indian which is quite good,
So was included as he should.

But now some other people say,
You shouldn’t show brown folk this way,
And so we will about him gripe,
For he is just a stereotype.

I don’t know why they make a fuss,
The problem is with them, not us,
They really can be such a pain –
For someone always will complain.

As for The Simpson’s, very soon,
The elephant that’s in the room,
Will raise it’s not so ugly face –
At least I think that is the case.

I mean, of course, the Chinese might,
Ask why Bart Simpson is not white,
And why he’s yellow, pale at best,
And so, in fact, are all the rest.

The yellow colour might be banned,
Unless, though, on the other hand,
The viewers maybe want to see,
A Chinese man or JCB!

Image – Yaffa Phillips / Flickr

NOT AGAIN!

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It is reported that people, including an actress who has done voiceovers in Disney films, is complaining that the Disney version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs encourages men to kiss women without their consent and that it also encourages children to speak to and accept food from strangers.

You know the story of Snow White,
But some now say it is not right,
For some unpleasant things have been,
Depicted on the silver screen.

First are the strangers, dwarfs or elves,
Who daily go to dig and delve,
But as they’re strangers Snow White should,
Assume they are up to no good.

She shouldn’t speak to them, they say,
And in their house while they’re away,
She shouldn’t expect to be fed,
And also not sleep in their bed.

Then there’s the wicked queen who looks,
As if she just wears clothes that sucks,
She has an apple, of the best,
Which Snow White likely will digest.

She shouldn’t touch it as you know,
But she was really starving so,
She quickly bit into the skin,
And didn’t know ’t had poison in.

She fell asleep with poisoned tum,
But still the worst is yet to come,
For while asleep, without consent,
A prince arrived with the intent,
Of kissing Snow White who, with luck,
Might realise she should wake up.

This really could not be much worse,
For, though it saved her from the hearse,
To kiss a girl without consent,
Perhaps asleep or with ailment,
No matter she is fit or frail,
Is really quite beyond the pale.

This is all nonsense, that’s quite plain,
But some folk do, now and again,
Complain that such things should be banned,
And Disney films therefore be canned.

Demands like this we should resist,
And try to get them to desist,
For if we don’t they are not few,
And will control the things we do.

So read these stories once or twice,
Just tell your kids the prince is nice,
But while you do you better had,
Just tell them the old queen is bad.

Then they’ll grow up with balanced mind,
And liking almost any kind,
Of story read to her or him,
Including by the Brothers Grimm.

YOU JUST CAN’T WIN!

BBC

It is reported that the BBC is being criticised for having an excessive number of female persons in its hit programme, Bodyguard.

As we know in this day and age,
Where PC is now all the rage,
Most everyone has to comply,
Or, at the very least, to try.

The BBC’s been trying hard,
For it is always on its guard,
And it’s cast women, ethnics too,
In roles including Doctor Who.

It thought that it had done quite well,
In Bodyguard as you can tell,
For all the senior people there,
Belonged to the sex that is fair.

But even now folk made complaint,
“Because,” they said, “This line-up ain’t,
As realistic as can be –
There are too many girls, you see.”

The BBC said “Damn and drat!
We hadn’t really thought of that.
But we tried hard, you must agree,
So everything would be PC.

It seems we don’t get any thanks,
Whatever we might do just tanks,
So next time do not wonder why,
If we decide just not to try!”

There is a moral to this tale:
Try pandering and you will fail;
Whate’er you do will be in vain,
’Cos someone always will complain!

STRICTLY DANCING – OR NOT

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It is reported that a pair of dancers on Strictly Come Dancing were spotted snogging outside a London pub, Theresa May danced before a speech in Birmingham, Nicola Sturgeon couldn’t dance in her super high heels in Glasgow and Jean-Claude Juncker tried to copy Mrs May in Brussels.

To dance is good, most people say,
It keeps you fit from day to day,
It’s best to do it to a song,
But on occasions it goes wrong.

I don’t mean technical mistakes,
The sort that might require two takes,
Like when Ed Balls, who’s not a bore,
Almost dropped Ms Jones on the floor.

This Mrs Jones of whom I speak,
Is in the news again this week,
But not for dancing, I’m afraid,
Which is the reason she gets paid.

No, this time, as told in this blog,
She was partaking in a snog,
With her dance partner on TV –
You don’t get paid for that – it’s free.

But what now of our Mrs May?
You thought that she had feet of clay,
But then she danced before her talk –
She should have been advised to walk.

Her dancing, though, went down a treat,
Surprising, for with two left feet,
It wasn’t good, but p’rhaps it made,
The lady look a bit less staid.

And then a few days farther on,
We saw Miss SNP Sturgeon,
Before her conference’s talk,
In heels so high she couldn’t walk.

“I’m wearing these,” she said, “So that,
I look more tall than if they’re flat;
But really, it’s so there’s no chance,
That I could ever try to dance.”

And finally, the Juncker man,
Who tries in every way he can,
To cause embarrassment by day,
Especially to Mrs May.

He claims that was not what he did,
His footwork was indeed splendid,
Because he’d had a drop to drink,
And she had not, I like to think.

That takes us now full circle for,
The first and last were drinking more
Than might be wise, depending how,
They want to be perceived for now.

So if you dance do take great care,
For bits might end up on the air,
And if they do, you can be sure,
That pictures will be more, not fewer!

TOO BLUE

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It is reported that the head of the British Plaque Trust believes that too many blue plaques are being put up in England, many to commemorate unworthy recipients.

Blue plaques are put up on the wall,
In praise of some folk but not all,
Who have been notable in life,
And some might mention, too, the wife.

The subjects must be really good,
Have lived their lives the way they should,
And they must have, as I can tell,
Connections with the place as well.

So Shakespeare, Dickens, others too,
Who might, of course, be known to you,
Could get a plaque where they did dwell,
And maybe where they worked as well.

But some blue plaques have now been seen,
Extolling virtues rather mean,
Such as, ‘Do you recall Joe Bloggs?
Not far from here he popped his clogs.’

But that reminds me, poets do,
Get quite a lot of blue plaques too,
But I am really pretty sure,
That plaques for poets are now fewer.

Perhaps there might be one for me,
And even, in time, two or three;
But there’s a problem, although slight,
For though these poems that I write,
Are both informative and fun,
And I have many hundreds done,
I write online, have no abode,
No fixed place where I write an ode,
And it is true there are as yet,
No blue plaques on the Internet!