THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST

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It is reported that Israel won the Eurovision Song Contest this year and the United Kingdom contestant was attacked by a man who ran onto the stage, (presumably sent by the European Commission).

This jamboree is here again,
Inflicting on us yet more pain,
With singers who take far too long,
To get through what they call a song.

While some might fit this title, though,
People who are not in the know,
Might think most of these girls and boys,
Make no more than a dreadful noise.

And so my verse will be quite short,
Providing just a brief report,
That Israel won the prize last night,
And Britain’s girl was in a fight!

And that is it, I’ll not prolong,
Remarks on any Euro song;
I think that that is only fair,
And might ignore it all next year!

Image – Autoraps

NEWS AFTER TEN

Tom Bradby

It is reported that ITN newsreader Tom Bradby will be off sick for a few weeks as he is suffering from insomnia and this news seems to have spawned endless newspaper articles and discussions about the condition.

Although unfortunate for him,
The news content seems rather slim,
In articles which can go deep,
About newsreaders who can’t sleep.

At first, nobody said a word:
He simply wasn’t seen or heard,
On bulletins he would do live,
For ITV and Channel 5.

But then somebody thought it was,
A mite suspicious then because,
From doing them most every day,
Tom Bradby melted right away.

So then the news was out at last,
Confirming that on nights just past,
Our darling Tom just could not sleep –
Not even if he counted sheep.

So now we know, we wish him well,
Hope he’s OK but time will tell,
And if he’s having pleasant dreams,
He should be back soon on our screens.

There shouldn’t be much more to tell,
At least until he’s back and well,
Or so you’d think but now take heed,
’Cos there’s now much more you can read.

For columnists now everywhere,
Are writing words with some to spare,
About folk having sleepless nights,
And how all they deal with their plights.

These articles are mostly long,
They’re interesting – don’t get me wrong –
But if you want to get to sleep,
They’re better than just counting sheep!

LITTLE MISS THORNBERRY

Mr Men

It is reported that Emily Thornberry, the Shadow Foreign Secretary, in an interview on Good Morning Britain, said that she regards the ever popular Little Miss books by Roger Hargreaves as unacceptable and wants them to be retitled Ms. And without the ‘Little’.

You’ve heard of Mr Men I’m sure,
A set of books that does endure,
And after them came Little Miss,
Published under the same aegis.

They tell the tales of hapless folk,
And mostly at them fun do poke;
But now someone has checked and found,
That taking both books in the round,
The Little Miss who doesn’t snog,
Is generally the underdog.

So Ms Thornberry – yes that’s she:
The Shadow Foreign Secretary –
Says, “I can discuss this with you –
It’s most important that I do.

First, saying ‘Little’s very poor,
As it just serves to underscore,
That women might not be as good,
As I, for one, believe they should.

And then when you begin to read,
Suspicions are confirmed indeed,
When you discover, if you count,
The storylines are tantamount,
To showing that the Little Miss,
More often has to acquiesce,
Than Mr Men who are more bold –
At least that’s what the reader’s told.

So out with ‘Little’, also ‘Miss’,
Because we should not stand for this;
It should be changed to ‘Ms’ I say –
Till then it’s top of my in tray!

Image – Sam Howzit / Flickr

PORK CHOP

Peppa Pigs

It is reported that Peppa Pig is getting the chop in China after state media denounced her as ‘having taken on a subversive hue’.

Most children do like Peppa Pig,
Whose audience is rather big,
And nowhere more than in the East,
Or there in China at the least.

But now she’s set to disappoint,
For she’s put noses out of joint,
Amongst officials who now say,
That Peppa Pig has had her day.

They say she’s ‘of subversive hue’,
Whatever that might mean to you,
But when I see her I just think,
The pig’s a lovely shade of pink.

I’d understand if she were blue,
For that is more a Western hue,
But pink’s at least part of the way,
To communist red, I would say.

So what could be the reason for,
The pig to be approved no more?

Well, recently, we learnt Pooh Bear,
Has also been banned over there,
Because he was resembling,
The Chinese leader Xi Jinping.

So could it be that Jinping’s wife,
Is giving him a lot of strife,
Because – and this is what I think –
She also likes to dress in pink?

It may be we shall never know,
But watch for Xi with wife in tow,
And if she’s always wearing pink,
Then that would prove the point, I think.

Image – Cristian Borquez / Flickr

STARTER FOR TEN

University Challenge

It is reported that the producers of University Challenge, having realised that most of their questions are about men rather than women, have decided to improve gender equality by asking more questions about famous women. The problem is that there doesn’t seem to be enough of them and so this has made the questions too difficult.

You’ve seen the programme, heard the Qs,
If there, you would be bound to lose,
For all the questions that are set,
Are really pretty hard to get.

And those that set them, who are wise,
Have now found out to their surprise,
That mostly they concern a male –
A fact that’s now beyond the pale.

Of course, this must be put right now,
They all agree but not on how;
But, as a start, there’ll be less men,
In all their starters – most for ten.

But there the problems just begin,
For questions which have women in,
Seem to be few and far between,
Despite our now PM and Queen.

So now they must the barrel scrape,
To try the balance to reshape,
But as this balance they regain,
Contestants find it’s now a pain.

For these new questions they are asked,
Are proving to be such a task,
That racking their brains as they might,
They really can’t get any right.

No starters right, no bonus Qs,
So both teams could be set to lose,
Which could provoke a dreadful row,
Lest they swat up on women now.

Image – Dan Brickley

HARRY POTTER’S WAND

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It is reported that Spanish police have seized thousands of fake Harry Potter wands from a shop in Barcelona.

If you’re a Harry Potter fan,
Perhaps a woman, child or man,
You might not like it if you lacked,
Some Harry Potter artefact.

Imagine, then, your great delight,
When, suddenly, right into sight,
Comes one shop with more than enough,
Of all this Harry Potter stuff.

You push the door, it rings the bell,
You’re looking forward to a spell;
So in you go to look around,
And see what magic might be found.

The shelves are full, they have all sorts,
Of things you’ll need when at Hogwarts;
And then . . . that of which you’re most fond,
It’s there! . . . It’s Harry Potter’s wand!

In fact, they’ve several types of these,
To part you from your cash with ease,
And so you pick one to select,
Quite sure your choice will prove correct.

You pay for it then out you go,
Impoverished dad now in tow;
But you will soon put all that right,
When you start on the spells tonight.

So later on and after tea,
It’s time to have a try and see,
What sort of spell you can now do,
And can you get your cash back too?

You take the wand, you wave it round,
It doesn’t make much of a sound;
You’re not sure how long it should take,
But now it’s looking like a fake.

And then, alas, you see the news,
Explaining that there’s been a ruse,
And all the folk with wands on sale,
Will likely now end up in jail.

The wands, it says, are little use,
A fact you could by now deduce,
And though the wand was just for fun,
You have been well and truly done.

So if you find a wand you’ve bought,
Is not quite working as it ought,
You first could try a spot of grease,
But then report it to police.

HANDS OFF!

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It is reported that a large group of businessmen attending a men only charity fundraising event at the Dorchester Hotel were attended by a not-quite-so-large number of young hostesses in skimpy dresses, to the general consternation of anybody who heard about it afterwards.

Before I start, I want to say,
I don’t approve of things this way,
But to pretend that no-one knew,
Or didn’t really have a clue,
Just how the evening was arranged,
Most likely is a bit deranged.

For some the clue was simply there,
Perhaps the skirts the girls would wear,
While some might have had to rehearse,
Though, hopefully, in prose, not verse.

The complaints did not seem to be,
About the morals – he, not she –
But whether girls, however dressed,
Were in some shape or form oppressed.

And, too, the gender gap in pay,
Now in the news from day to day,
Was raised again post this event,
Relating to the ones that went.

Now this seems odd, you might agree,
Because, as far as I can see,
The only people getting paid,
Were those dressed as upmarket maids.

But back to morals, I’d have thought,
In lots of places that this sort,
Of entertainment still goes on,
For wealthy people wanting fun.

So those complaining should have known,
And would have, if they’d interest shown,
Before, last week, it came to light,
That this would be a seedy night.

So when there’s an event like this,
That you’re not sure if you should miss,
Do check it out and then you’ll know,
If it’s appropriate to go.

And if you do go, know the rules,
So that you will not look like fools,
If you should think it’s just a lark,
And maybe overstep the mark.

The test for morals, it is said,
Is whether you would go bright red,
When, if a girl should smile and pout,
Someone you know should then find out.

If you liked this please share it with your friends and enjoy another one tomorrow.