SEMI-RETIREMENT

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It is reported that I am finding writing a blog every day quite stressful and so from toda I plan to reduce the number to just one or two each week.

This writing blogs, one new each day,
And which are free, you never pay,
Is getting stressful every time –
I have to make them scan and rhyme.

So I plan to slow down a bit,
But hope they will still be a hit,
Though down in numbers from the peak,
To likely one or two each week.

I might do more, I cannot say,
Depends what’s in the news each day,
But do keep reading what I write –
They might not all be total sh*te!

WESTMINSTER FIREWORKS

Fireworks

It is reported that the New Year fireworks in London were a poor show as the wind was too low to disperse the smoke.

A lot of people like to go,
And watch the pyrotechnic show,
In London where on New Year’s Eve,
The crowds there make the city heave.

In former years the show was great,
And well worth several hours wait,
But the wind this year was too calm,
And robbed the display of its charm.

The smoke produced would not disperse,
And then to make the matters worse,
It drifted over to the crowd,
To whom the Mayor before had vowed,
That they would see the best display,
They’d ever seen before that day.

He’d said it all with good intent,
But then the London weather went,
And mostly messed the whole thing up,
So folk thought they’d been sold a pup.

It wasn’t practical to say,
As they had done back on D-Day,
That though for weather they might pray,
There would now be a short delay.

Back then the Germans had to wait,
To be surprised a later date,
But London crowds were not so kind,
When they were asked, “Would they not mind …”

So maybe this year was a flop,
Some other city out on top,
But London will not be outdone,
Come twenty, maybe twenty-one.

EXCUSE ME … ORDER! … ORDER!

Out of order sign

It is reported that John Bercow, the former speaker of the House of Commons who has been accused of extremely bad behaviour and bullying his staff, gave a speech on Channel 4 about ‘courtesy in politics’!

Remember Bercow, first name John,
The raucous rudester? – That’s the one;
He did preside for for several years,
Over MPs including sirs.

He was so rude staff did complain,
But it seemed pointless in the main,
Because no matter what was said,
No-one could do his job instead.

But now he’s out, he looks for work,
Someplace where he’s not thought a berk;
But you would really not have guessed,
That he’d be thought to be the best,
To talk about politeness and,
He should not then be in demand.

With his track record I would say,
He won’t be working day to day,
And so with just a bit of luck,
We will no more with him be stuck!

ROTTEN BANANAS

banana

It is reported that a banana duct taped to a wall claiming to be a work of art by Maurizio Cattelan has been sold for £92,000.

Bananas come, bananas go,
If you don’t eat them quickly though,
They tend to go all black and rot,
Then taste quite foul as like as not.

So when an artist says he’s got,
Banana sculptures that will rot,
He really must be off his head,
And should go back to paints instead.

He’s either mad or it’s a con,
He seems not like your honest John,
But it’s reported someone paid,
A lot of cash for one displayed.

A lesson, though: if I were you,
I would from this report construe,
Considering this fruit is bent,
Your cash might well be better spent.

GOODY TWO SHOES

Shoes

It is reported that the world’s most expensive shoes, encrusted with diamonds and mediaeval meteorites and worth £15.7 million, have gone on display in Dubai.

Shoes are expensive, cost bit,
Enough to give a man a fit,
Although most women, you will find,
To higher prices are inclined.

But they would be surprised to find,
That there exists a special kind,
Of shoe with diamonds so replete,
On these things that go on the feet.

There’s such a lot, it’s hard to see,
If from a mugger one could flee,
While keeping both shoes on the feet,
And haring off along the street.

But never mind, I expect they,
Will seldom see the light of day,
For they will be kept in a vault,
And so avoid such an assault.

THE PARTY’S OVER

Notting hill

It is reported that police officers have been told not to go dancing at the Notting Hill Carnival as has become customary in previous years.

The carnival at Notting Hill,
Is on this year, they do it still,
And it requires that the police,
Have presence there to keep the peace.

So far so good but people thought.
Police would have them all in court,
And this was just one of the ways,
That they could spoil their special days.

So then the policemen with their feet,
All started dancing in the street,
And this, it has been thought so far,
Would lead them not the day to mar.

But now this year the rules are new,
And with the bobbies rather few,
They have been told their duty is,
To keep folk safe and not to whizz
Around like ballerinas who,
Are expert in the pas de two.

So this year PCs won’t oblige,
No gazing in a partner’s eyes,
They’ll stand with helmet there on head,
And that will have to do instead.

But really, dancing cops are rare,
It isn’t why they send them there,
Their dancing’s very rarely neat,
Because they’ve such enormous feet!

THINNIES ONLY NEED APPLY

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It is reported that a casting call has gone out seeking a thin young girl with ‘very good teeth’ to star as Mia in a Christmas TV advert for the chocolate bar Milka. She must not have red hair or be ‘overweight as this is for advertising chocolate’. Oh dear, where to start?

These days most people are PC,
Even if they don’t want to be,
And those who’re not still understand,
What sorts of things are always banned.

So wanting actresses ‘not fat’,
Is bound to start some sort of spat,
While ‘carrot heads’ might give offence,
To red tops with no humour sense.

And then the teeth, the perfect set,
As uniform as one can get,
And they must be for this young star,
White as a Milka chocolate bar.

And that is it … but I forgot,
These days one really just cannot,
Say whether it’s a girl or boy,
That you’d prefer in your employ.

Is this then all LGBT?*
Like double dutch to you and me,
So maybe this has gone too far,
To advertise a chocolate bar!

*  see picture?