GORILLA VIEW

Gorilla

It is reported that residents near a new crazy golf course in Dawlish, Devon have complained that a seven foot fibreglass gorilla on the course is looking into their homes. When the gorilla was then turned round to face towards the sea, other residents complained that they were left looking at the gorilla’s bottom. You just can’t please some people.

Gorillas in Dawlish are rare,
So you might expect folk to care,
Where one is sited in the town,
Which otherwise has great renown.

So when a fibreglass one was,
Erected in the town because,
Of crazy golf it was a part,
It did a great big squabble start.

The problem was its piercing eye,
Which people thought designed to pry,
On them by staring at them when,
They ventured out now and again.

The owner of said chimp concurred,
And said he would, if they preferred,
Turn it around to face the sea,
And he would make this change for free.

So this was done, but then, Oh dear!
More residents not far from here,
Complained and did seem very glum,
’Cos they could all now see its bum.

Gorillas’ bums are not too nice,
You wouldn’t want to see one twice,
And in the wild, make no mistake,
They often do rude gestures make.

So maybe one can sympathise,
For it is now the people’s eyes,
That have to suffer and then some,
Staring at the gorilla’s bum.

So if you want a plastic zoo,
Make sure you don’t get caught out too;
There is a lesson here, I think –
Gorillas’ bums create a stink.

Image – Devon Live

NO POOHS HERE

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It is reported that a new Disney Winnie the Pooh film has been banned from being shown in China since the childrens’ bear is regarded as a symbol of political dissent.

I told you all some time ago,
In China Pooh’s not liked and so,
The books on him are mostly banned,
By Chinese Government command.

The reason has been pretty plain,
Because he does look much the same,
As Mr Xi, the Chinese boss,
Which makes him really rather cross.

But now a new film has been made,
Which would be shown by way of trade,
Except that it has now been banned,
The length and breadth across the land.

It’s said this ‘bear of little brain’,
And Xi Jinping look much the same,
But Xi is, in fact, no-one’s fool,
And quite averse to ridicule.

But now another reason may,
Be why he’s banned both night and day,
Which is, it’s thought, that his intent,
Is fostering too much dissent.

This sounds bizarre to you and me,
Why can’t they leave him thinking free?
But Pooh in China is no more,
He has now gone from every store,
So if you haven’t got one yet,
You might just be a bit upset.

But do take heart, our cuddly bear,
Is largely made in China where,
Perhaps there’s an exception made,
But only for the export trade!

UNICYCLING ROUND THE WORLD

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It is reported that Ed Pratt from Somerset has just completed a three year journey around the world on his unicycle, unsupported and carrying all his gear (tent, stove, sleeping bag etc) in panniers, and raising £300,000 for charity. Well done him.

To unicycle down the street,
Is really something of a feat,
And most of us would struggle to,
In inches do more than a few.

But for one Mr Pratt, not so,
For he decided he would go,
And unicycle round the earth,
Which has a quite humongous girth.

So off he went, he was nineteen,
And he was pretty much unseen,
By anyone including you,
Till he returned aged twenty-two.

He carried his stuff on his bike,
The ultimate in travelling light;
He packed it well, we must surmise,
So that alone deserves a prize.

So he achieved what very few,
Have any chance at all to do,
And maybe he’ll now settle down,
Performing as a circus clown!

But back to racing, I digress,
As cycling he tries to finesse,
So why ride on a single wheel,
When two would improve things, I feel?

Well, when you ride a bike for fun,
The tyres eventually get done,
But if you have one less than two,
Then you might only need a few.

NURSE PODGE

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It is reported that an overweight soap actress (who has nevertheless lost a lot of weight) has complained about the lack of overweight nurses in TV dramas such as Casualty and Holby City as she says this is not typical of the situation in real hospitals.

In hospitals, reports do say,
You’ll find on pretty much each day,
Some nurses who are slightly fat,
No matter they are stood or sat.

Afraid it’s just the way things are,
But now a soap-type TV star,
Says that she knows, for she has checked,
That when TV nurses are specced,
It seems they like them rather thin,
So fat ones like her can’t get in.

(In fact, she may not be quite right,
’Cos when I watched Holby last night,
There were at least two nurses that,
Could be described as rather fat.)

But I digress, for who am I,
When simply watching with my eye,
To judge if one is fat or thin,
By dint of simply looking in.

And surely all this matters not,
For, usually, the programme’s plot,
With all its twists and endless strife,
Is not that much like real life.

And it is true that in the main,
These soaps are made to entertain,
So really there should be no way,
They’re too much like a normal day.

ONE DAY OFF IN 50 YEARS!

Nicholas Parsons

It is reported that Nicholas Parsons has been presenting Just a Minute for over fifty years and has only missed one episode; he is ninety-four.

The format might be slightly old,
Appealing to old folk all told,
But like The Archers or The Street,
Programmes like this always compete,
For records – to be Number One,
And trying not to to be outdone.

The Archers has the longest run,
On radio in Christendom,
And Coronation Street might be,
The longest running on TV.

And with this latter comes Bill Roache,
A record there beyond reproach,
Because it’s pretty clear that he,
Has been the longest on TV.

But for the record we must go,
And check up on The Archers so,
Lesley Saweard who’s still alive,
Has done, in years, now sixty-five!

But back to Parsons, what of he?
In years he’s only done fifty.

Well, yes he has but in that time,
As you will soon learn in this rhyme,
There’s just one show he failed to do,
Because that day he had the flu.

Is that a record? Likely so;
Suggests he is a real pro;
And it seems unlikely to me,
That someone could have beaten he.

Image – James Cridland / Flickr / Creative Commons

THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST

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It is reported that Israel won the Eurovision Song Contest this year and the United Kingdom contestant was attacked by a man who ran onto the stage, (presumably sent by the European Commission).

This jamboree is here again,
Inflicting on us yet more pain,
With singers who take far too long,
To get through what they call a song.

While some might fit this title, though,
People who are not in the know,
Might think most of these girls and boys,
Make no more than a dreadful noise.

And so my verse will be quite short,
Providing just a brief report,
That Israel won the prize last night,
And Britain’s girl was in a fight!

And that is it, I’ll not prolong,
Remarks on any Euro song;
I think that that is only fair,
And might ignore it all next year!

Image – Autoraps

NEWS AFTER TEN

Tom Bradby

It is reported that ITN newsreader Tom Bradby will be off sick for a few weeks as he is suffering from insomnia and this news seems to have spawned endless newspaper articles and discussions about the condition.

Although unfortunate for him,
The news content seems rather slim,
In articles which can go deep,
About newsreaders who can’t sleep.

At first, nobody said a word:
He simply wasn’t seen or heard,
On bulletins he would do live,
For ITV and Channel 5.

But then somebody thought it was,
A mite suspicious then because,
From doing them most every day,
Tom Bradby melted right away.

So then the news was out at last,
Confirming that on nights just past,
Our darling Tom just could not sleep –
Not even if he counted sheep.

So now we know, we wish him well,
Hope he’s OK but time will tell,
And if he’s having pleasant dreams,
He should be back soon on our screens.

There shouldn’t be much more to tell,
At least until he’s back and well,
Or so you’d think but now take heed,
’Cos there’s now much more you can read.

For columnists now everywhere,
Are writing words with some to spare,
About folk having sleepless nights,
And how all they deal with their plights.

These articles are mostly long,
They’re interesting – don’t get me wrong –
But if you want to get to sleep,
They’re better than just counting sheep!