YOU JUST CAN’T WIN!

BBC

It is reported that the BBC is being criticised for having an excessive number of female persons in its hit programme, Bodyguard.

As we know in this day and age,
Where PC is now all the rage,
Most everyone has to comply,
Or, at the very least, to try.

The BBC’s been trying hard,
For it is always on its guard,
And it’s cast women, ethnics too,
In roles including Doctor Who.

It thought that it had done quite well,
In Bodyguard as you can tell,
For all the senior people there,
Belonged to the sex that is fair.

But even now folk made complaint,
“Because,” they said, “This line-up ain’t,
As realistic as can be –
There are too many girls, you see.”

The BBC said “Damn and drat!
We hadn’t really thought of that.
But we tried hard, you must agree,
So everything would be PC.

It seems we don’t get any thanks,
Whatever we might do just tanks,
So next time do not wonder why,
If we decide just not to try!”

There is a moral to this tale:
Try pandering and you will fail;
Whate’er you do will be in vain,
’Cos someone always will complain!

STRICTLY DANCING – OR NOT

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It is reported that a pair of dancers on Strictly Come Dancing were spotted snogging outside a London pub, Theresa May danced before a speech in Birmingham, Nicola Sturgeon couldn’t dance in her super high heels in Glasgow and Jean-Claude Juncker tried to copy Mrs May in Brussels.

To dance is good, most people say,
It keeps you fit from day to day,
It’s best to do it to a song,
But on occasions it goes wrong.

I don’t mean technical mistakes,
The sort that might require two takes,
Like when Ed Balls, who’s not a bore,
Almost dropped Ms Jones on the floor.

This Mrs Jones of whom I speak,
Is in the news again this week,
But not for dancing, I’m afraid,
Which is the reason she gets paid.

No, this time, as told in this blog,
She was partaking in a snog,
With her dance partner on TV –
You don’t get paid for that – it’s free.

But what now of our Mrs May?
You thought that she had feet of clay,
But then she danced before her talk –
She should have been advised to walk.

Her dancing, though, went down a treat,
Surprising, for with two left feet,
It wasn’t good, but p’rhaps it made,
The lady look a bit less staid.

And then a few days farther on,
We saw Miss SNP Sturgeon,
Before her conference’s talk,
In heels so high she couldn’t walk.

“I’m wearing these,” she said, “So that,
I look more tall than if they’re flat;
But really, it’s so there’s no chance,
That I could ever try to dance.”

And finally, the Juncker man,
Who tries in every way he can,
To cause embarrassment by day,
Especially to Mrs May.

He claims that was not what he did,
His footwork was indeed splendid,
Because he’d had a drop to drink,
And she had not, I like to think.

That takes us now full circle for,
The first and last were drinking more
Than might be wise, depending how,
They want to be perceived for now.

So if you dance do take great care,
For bits might end up on the air,
And if they do, you can be sure,
That pictures will be more, not fewer!

TOO BLUE

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It is reported that the head of the British Plaque Trust believes that too many blue plaques are being put up in England, many to commemorate unworthy recipients.

Blue plaques are put up on the wall,
In praise of some folk but not all,
Who have been notable in life,
And some might mention, too, the wife.

The subjects must be really good,
Have lived their lives the way they should,
And they must have, as I can tell,
Connections with the place as well.

So Shakespeare, Dickens, others too,
Who might, of course, be known to you,
Could get a plaque where they did dwell,
And maybe where they worked as well.

But some blue plaques have now been seen,
Extolling virtues rather mean,
Such as, ‘Do you recall Joe Bloggs?
Not far from here he popped his clogs.’

But that reminds me, poets do,
Get quite a lot of blue plaques too,
But I am really pretty sure,
That plaques for poets are now fewer.

Perhaps there might be one for me,
And even, in time, two or three;
But there’s a problem, although slight,
For though these poems that I write,
Are both informative and fun,
And I have many hundreds done,
I write online, have no abode,
No fixed place where I write an ode,
And it is true there are as yet,
No blue plaques on the Internet!

FAMOUS FOOTFALLER

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It is reported that footballer David Beckham escaped a speeding conviction on a procedural technicality, his lawyer saying that the notice of the alleged offence arrived a day late. It is not reported whether his wife was, as usual, not amused.

If you are some celebrity,
It really is quite wise to be,
Not pushy or, indeed, too brash,
Despite the fact you’ve lots of cash.

And if you’re in a pickle caught,
Most people will think that you ought,
To simply take it on the chin,
Which will help you their hearts to win.

Now all of this is good advice,
In fact, perhaps, worth reading twice;
So it is something of a shock,
To learn when one was in the dock,
He managed to escape, you see,
On just a technicality.

The one in question, David Beck,
While in a Bentley (not a wreck),
Was caught for speeding, “But,” said he,
“I really, truly, did not see,
The notice saying I drove fast,
Till more than fourteen days had passed.

I’m happy to admit the crime,
But owing to this length of time,
You acted not as set by law,
So my brief here can see a flaw.

This means that you cannot convict,
And so the brief that I have picked,
Has done me well, I’m very glad,
He’s earned the thousands that he’s had.

So I am free, that’s pretty good,
My wealth is working as it should,
For if it can’t when I’m not poor,
Then what is all my money for?”

GORILLA VIEW

Gorilla

It is reported that residents near a new crazy golf course in Dawlish, Devon have complained that a seven foot fibreglass gorilla on the course is looking into their homes. When the gorilla was then turned round to face towards the sea, other residents complained that they were left looking at the gorilla’s bottom. You just can’t please some people.

Gorillas in Dawlish are rare,
So you might expect folk to care,
Where one is sited in the town,
Which otherwise has great renown.

So when a fibreglass one was,
Erected in the town because,
Of crazy golf it was a part,
It did a great big squabble start.

The problem was its piercing eye,
Which people thought designed to pry,
On them by staring at them when,
They ventured out now and again.

The owner of said chimp concurred,
And said he would, if they preferred,
Turn it around to face the sea,
And he would make this change for free.

So this was done, but then, Oh dear!
More residents not far from here,
Complained and did seem very glum,
’Cos they could all now see its bum.

Gorillas’ bums are not too nice,
You wouldn’t want to see one twice,
And in the wild, make no mistake,
They often do rude gestures make.

So maybe one can sympathise,
For it is now the people’s eyes,
That have to suffer and then some,
Staring at the gorilla’s bum.

So if you want a plastic zoo,
Make sure you don’t get caught out too;
There is a lesson here, I think –
Gorillas’ bums create a stink.

Image – Devon Live

NO POOHS HERE

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It is reported that a new Disney Winnie the Pooh film has been banned from being shown in China since the childrens’ bear is regarded as a symbol of political dissent.

I told you all some time ago,
In China Pooh’s not liked and so,
The books on him are mostly banned,
By Chinese Government command.

The reason has been pretty plain,
Because he does look much the same,
As Mr Xi, the Chinese boss,
Which makes him really rather cross.

But now a new film has been made,
Which would be shown by way of trade,
Except that it has now been banned,
The length and breadth across the land.

It’s said this ‘bear of little brain’,
And Xi Jinping look much the same,
But Xi is, in fact, no-one’s fool,
And quite averse to ridicule.

But now another reason may,
Be why he’s banned both night and day,
Which is, it’s thought, that his intent,
Is fostering too much dissent.

This sounds bizarre to you and me,
Why can’t they leave him thinking free?
But Pooh in China is no more,
He has now gone from every store,
So if you haven’t got one yet,
You might just be a bit upset.

But do take heart, our cuddly bear,
Is largely made in China where,
Perhaps there’s an exception made,
But only for the export trade!

UNICYCLING ROUND THE WORLD

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It is reported that Ed Pratt from Somerset has just completed a three year journey around the world on his unicycle, unsupported and carrying all his gear (tent, stove, sleeping bag etc) in panniers, and raising £300,000 for charity. Well done him.

To unicycle down the street,
Is really something of a feat,
And most of us would struggle to,
In inches do more than a few.

But for one Mr Pratt, not so,
For he decided he would go,
And unicycle round the earth,
Which has a quite humongous girth.

So off he went, he was nineteen,
And he was pretty much unseen,
By anyone including you,
Till he returned aged twenty-two.

He carried his stuff on his bike,
The ultimate in travelling light;
He packed it well, we must surmise,
So that alone deserves a prize.

So he achieved what very few,
Have any chance at all to do,
And maybe he’ll now settle down,
Performing as a circus clown!

But back to racing, I digress,
As cycling he tries to finesse,
So why ride on a single wheel,
When two would improve things, I feel?

Well, when you ride a bike for fun,
The tyres eventually get done,
But if you have one less than two,
Then you might only need a few.