CHAIRMAN OF THE BENCH

Park Bench

It is reported that a park bench belonging to Canterbury City council has been removed by contractors working for Kent County Council which denies the allegation but is investigating.

In Canterbury stands a seat,
It’s comfortable, rather neat,
At least it was ’til yesterday,
When someone took the seat away.

The City Council does allege,
That this seat just behind the hedge,
Was stolen by contractors who,
Were not entitled so to do.

They were working for Kent CC,
Replacing lights so folk could see,
But now with no bench there conjoint,
There does not seem a lot of point.

The Council has sent Kent a bill,
Declaring there is no ill-will,
But if in time they do not pay,
For the bench that they took away,
So a replacement can be bought,
Then they will find themselves in court.

But there in court a problem lies,
’Cos magistrates there, mostly wise,
Who will expect to rule on it,
Will have no bench on which to sit.

So is this now Catch 22,
Where magistrates cannot say who,
Should stand the cost of this cockup,
Unless they do it standing up?

CLIMATE CHANGE DISASTER

earth-216834_960_720

It is reported that Donald Trump has withdrawn the United States from the Paris Climate Change Accord to the apparent horror of the rest of the world.

“Now listen well, I’m Donald Trump,
And I’m afraid we have to dump,
This Paris climate thing which we,
Signed up to but must now be free.

The whole damn thing is all a hoax,
And will result in many folks,
Losing their jobs which is so bad,
And makes both them and me so mad.

Some say the problem’s caused by coal,
And it should not now have a rôle,
In the world as it does today;
But to these people I say, “Hey!
For me that is an ask too tough,
’Cos we’ve got mountains of the stuff.

The coal is sitting there for free,
So with a bit of help from me,
We’ll get to work, will dig and blast,
And it’s just tough if you’re aghast.

And then there’s fracking – jolly good –
We would do much more if we could,
But nothing you can do or say,
Will make the fracking go away.”

But others say, “You are a fool!
What you are doing is not cool.
And when it’s too late you will find,
That you’re consigning humankind,
To an uncertain future where,
They really won’t know what to wear.

For temperatures will be extreme,
Humidity from drought to teem,
Which means the only thing of use,
Although it might now sound obtuse,
Will be a brolly I’m afraid,
Which also can be a sunshade.”

But Trump replied, “I do not care,
About the moisture in the air,
Because right now my one main goal:
To have the miners dig the coal.

But when all that is underway,
And ere the onset of Doomsday,
Your kind advice I’ll not forget,
And p’rhaps a few umbrellas get!”

 

REALLY BAD OR REALLY GOOD?

Car_tailpipe_2

It is reported that Donald Trump has told Angela Merkel that the Germans are ‘really bad’ for exporting millions of cars to the USA. Really bad. And the emissions test cheating saga rumbles on.

Now Donald Trump just loves to tweet,
They are so short he thinks they’re neat,
And are for any short confab,
Just perfect for his small vocab.

So just this week he was quite terse,
With just a few words, not in verse,
When he said Germany was bad,
Because he’d now found out it had,
Been exporting too many cars,
Some of which had three-pointed stars.

“This will not do!” he said today,
“From this point on you’ll have to pay
A higher rate of import tax,
Because we have been far too lax.”

The Germans said, “We are not fools.
To do that is against the rules.

You say that we are ‘really bad’,
Because of the success we’ve had.
But you have got it all to cock,
And this may now come as a shock:
Your folk have not misunderstood,
And think our cars are ‘really good’.

So ‘good’, not ‘bad’, you ought to say,
If you should tweet your words today,
Our cars are really quite the best,
Apart from the emissions test.”

Image – De Facto / Wikimedia commons

TRUMP MEETS HIS HOLINESS THE MOPE

Trump and Pope

It is reported that at his meeting with Pope Francis Donald Trump was all smiles but the Pope did not smile and stared at his feet. The two have clashed previously on the Mexican wall and climate change.

The President has been all smiles,
The best he’s ever looked by miles,
For when he met the Pope that day,
He looked so happy and so gay.

Pope Francis, though, looked at the floor,
’Cos maybe he’d failed to implore,
The Donald not to build his wall,
Or at least not build it so tall.

“You should build bridges there instead,”
Is what the Pope’s thought to have said,
“Inviting migrants is the key,
If you want to a Christian be.”

And then to rub it in some more,
He told him that guy called Al Gore,
Had got it right on climate change;
And after just a brief exchange,
The Pope gave Trump a paper which,
Supports the global warming pitch.

We don’t know what the Donald said,
But like as not the Pope saw red,
And since he doesn’t like to tweet,
He stood there staring at his feet.

Of his displeasure it’s a sign,
More subtle than a cat-o-nine,
Or torture as there used to be,
Back in the fifteenth century.

So Trump had better watch his step,
For this Pope Francis is the rep,
Of the Almighty here on earth,
And with the President’s large girth,
The Pope could organise a hack,
Or possibly a heart attack!

Image – DonkeyHotey / Flickr

BATH BINS

Wheelie_bins

It is reported that residents of Bath are objecting to having large wheelie bins which bespoil their attractive Georgian architecture.

The residents of Bath have said,
Only over their bodies dead,
Will they accept big wheelie bins,
In which to put their trash and tins.

The bins just simply do not go,
With Georgian architecture so,
A smaller version ought to fit,
And that would be the end of it.

The Council, though, says, “No can do.
We’re limiting the bins to two.
And though they are quite big, it’s true,
We can supply in any hue.

And there are patterns, brick or stone,
Just say which you would like to own;
The right one will look very smart,
While waiting there for our dustcart.

And when you have them don’t despair,
They will be bins without compare,
And after that, just one more thing –
We need to talk recycling!”

Image – Michael Eli

SPLAT!

Seagull

It is reported that East Devon District Council has made it an offence to feed the seagulls.

“Excuse me, may I have a word?
The seagull is a nasty bird,
It flaps its wings and flies right in,
And it can make an awful din.

Its screech can give a dreadful fright,
And also keep you up at night,
But while it might give you a fit,
The noise is not the half of it.

Much worse than noise there is the food,
And here it is extremely rude,
For it’s plain when it was a chick,
Learning to eat and not be sick,
The fish that mum or dad had caught,
No table manners have been taught.

So when gulls see you on the beach,
With food that’s not quite out of reach,
They’ll likely swoop towards you and,
Take all the lot straight from your hand.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve got,
Fish, chips or bread they’ll take the lot,
And then you’ll find they’re in a team,
When one comes back for your ice cream.

If you think now they’ll go away,
You’ll find they all still want to stay,
And they will fly round close to you,
At least until they’ve done a poo.

Of them we now want to be rid,
So you will get fined fifty quid,
If we have evidence or hunch,
That one of them has had your lunch.

So let your watchword be ‘Take care’,
When you see these birds in the air,
You don’t want to lose all your wealth,
So better eat your lunch yourself.

And if you do hear one go Splat!
You really should have brought a hat!”

Image – loki11 / Wikimedia Commons / anr

MUNCH MUNCH BANG!

Caterpillar

It is reported that scientists have discovered that a tiny waxworm caterpillar which normally eats beeswax in hives also eats plastic bags. Here’s what the caterpillars have to say:

“We caterpillars are unloved,
Folk do not like us as they should,
We used to keep ourselves discreet,
While searching out for things to eat.

At one time there was lots of food,
Comprising plastic bags disused,
But with charges that now apply,
These bags are all in short supply.

For Government has put a charge,
On all these bags but mainly large,
And now their policy’s complete,
We cannot find enough to eat.

Researchers say they’ll help us find,
Where plastic bags of any kind,
Are buried, whether large or small,
So we can go and eat them all.

But on this point we’re none too sure,
’Cos some may be close to a sewer,
And these plus others in landfill,
Might possibly just make us ill.

But maybe better not to gripe,
For we have found blue plastic pipe,
Which carries water, so we think,
Quite handy when we want a drink.

We’ll start on this but then there’s more,
Which is of somewhat larger bore,
It’s yellow but for you, alas,
It’s carrying the nation’s gas.

So we will need to calculate,
Depending on our eating rate,
How much of this we can erode,
Before the whole thing might explode.

That would be bad, would cause a fuss,
Remember, though, it’s worse for us,
So though the Government might nag,
Do please still buy your plastic bag.”

Image – Pixabay