It is reported that Poland is to build a 770 mile long fence along its eastern border with Russia, Belarus and Ukraine to keep wild boars out as they spread African swine fever.

The Poles don’t like the Russian boar,
Of which they’re seeing more and more,
Because they have a bad disease,
Passed on to local pigs with ease.

It’s fever, African of swine,
Which I must twist to make it rhyme,
And farmers are all up in arms,
Because it does a lot of harm.

So there are plans to build a fence;
The study has been quite intense,
And with a height of six foot four,
It should keep out the Russian boar.

But boars are clever, they can dig,
At least as well as any pig;
So it must be part underground,
Or so the detailed study found.

So that’s the plan, they start it soon,
At least before the end of June,
And, though a fence, it’s not as tall,
As Donald Trump’s more famous wall.

It will be built of post and wire,
As I said: six foot four, no higher;
They’re certain to achieve their goals,
’Cos they’ve got lots of six foot poles!


26 x 10p = £2.60

10 p piece

It is reported that a new ten pence piece is to be introduced with twenty-six different designs on the reverse – one for each letter of the alphabet. But where is the most important one?

You likely own a ten pence piece,
But if you spend it that will cease,
And then you will be poorer for,
You’ll have less than you had before.

The coin in question’s rather nice,
Or excellent, to be precise;
It’s shiny, that much can be told,
But it is hardly solid gold.

To compensate, the Royal Mint,
Pretending that we’re not all skint,
Is introducing this anew,
And there will be a lot, not few.

By this I don’t mean lots the same,
Although that is, in part, its aim,
But there will be, though not in verse,
Some differences on the reverse.

There will be twenty-six in all,
Perhaps too many to recall,
But with each one you get a clue,
To help remember one or two.

So, A for Angel of the North,
The Double Decker comes in fourth,
And Cricket starts with letter C,
A match which might be stopped for Tea.

The Union Flag comes under U,
Ten ginger persons in a Queue,
And English Village starts with V,
Complete with Postbox, letter P.

But one thing’s missing, I would say,
We talk about it every day:
The sun might shine but don’t forget,
It is more often cold and wet.

“It is the Weather!” you all shout,
“How could they think to leave it out?
It should replace the World Wide Web –
Use I for Internet instead.

Then the Ice Cream could disappear,
There’s not much call for it round here,
Because the Weather’s seldom warm –
We all know that ’cos it’s got form!”

So celebrate our British race,
Shake hands but don’t try to embrace,
Drink beer or ale or maybe stout,
But please don’t miss the Weather out!



lego tree

It is reported that Lego has announced that, as part of its sustainability initiative, it will start making its plastic trees and leaves from polythene made from sugar cane. But perhaps there is a better and easier option.

Now Lego isn’t very green,
It’s trees are made of polythene,
And all the bricks, they would confess,
Are still all made of ABS.

This ABS is not so green,
It has been long upon the scene;
It’s made from oil so use your brains –
It might affect the climate change.

And when the little girls and boys,
Have broken all their Lego toys,
The plastic has been so well-made,
It simply won’t biodegrade.

So Lego’s now devised a plan,
To make it greener if they can,
And they will now make, in the main,
Their polythene from sugar cane.

This may address point number one,
But when the playing is all done,
These toys that will no longer be,
Will go to landfill or the sea.

But I have a suggestion now,
To tell the Lego people how,
They very possibly now could,
Make all their trees from bits of wood.

This really would be very green,
A climate helper on the scene;
And if, for wood, they pick a twig,
In pieces which are not too big,
They simply take one from their stocks,
And pop it in a cardboard box.

Then, Bob’s your uncle, job all done,
And you can pay two quid for one.

So everybody’s happy now,
For this new Lego mini bough,
Which should have been thought of before,
Will make the Lego profits soar!



It is reported that a headmaster in Dagenham has forbidden pupils from touching snow so as to avoid injury.

“Now, children, while you are in school,
You must obey my latest rule,
Which is that when outside you go,
You must not touch that stuff called snow.

It’s cold and can cause intense pain,
A lot more, certainly, than rain,
For, first of all, it’s cool and white,
And so can give your hand frostbite.

Then, second, if you snowflakes weld,
Into a ball that’s then propelled,
It may catch someone on the hop,
And make a sound a bit like ‘clop!’

Recipient might not be pleased,
Though p’rhaps intended as wheeze,
And he might throw a snowball back,
Might make a different noise – a ‘thwack’.

At this point you might start to bleed,
For snowballs can be hard indeed,
And then you’ll see I was no fool,
For banning handling snow at school.

And snow is slippy under foot,
That’s why the school is sometimes shut;
You come to learn with pen and ink,
Not just ’cos there’s a skating rink!”



It is reported that there is a surplus of stray cats in Yorkshire and a shortage in London so surplus strays are being shipped from Keithley to Battersea.

We discussed just a short while back,
That no-one wanted cats in black,
Because they didn’t come out well,
On pictures, not because they smell.

But now there is some better news,
For cats, no matter what their hues,
For down in London many want,
A cat and the supply is scant.

But up in Yorkshire, home of me,
And puddings, best for lunch, not tea,
There are stray cats just everywhere,
Which means that quite a few are spare.

So now, because of this new trend,
The folk in Yorkshire monthly send,
A shipment of these moggies which,
Can be re-homed without a hitch.

This story really is good news,
And would accord with people’s views,
But I most fervently now hope,
That in the smoke our cats can cope!



It is reported that United Utilities is planning to use specially trained sniffer dogs to locate water leaks in rural areas. The dogs can detect the scent of chlorine in the water and so distinguish between leaks and puddles.

If you have got a dog you’ll know,
That everywhere it tries to go,
It’s always sniffing on the ground,
Impatient to see what’s around.

The police use them to search for drugs,
And escapees, including thugs,
Because their enhanced sense of smell,
Means they can do that job so well.

But now another job’s been found,
For expert noses on the ground;
For trained dogs can with just a sniff,
Observe a puddle and say if,
The water in it’s from a leak,
By dint of its canine technique.

If from a leak, the Cl2,
Not noticed then by me or you,
Is easy for the dog to get,
Both when it’s dry and in the wet.

The secret is, of course, its nose,
Which I am able disclose,
Is better than humans’ by far,
And that is it, so there you are!

But what if dog wees on the floor,
Which is what they are famous for?
Well, I think that would not be good,
You ought to clean it if you could,
Especially if out of reach,
But do go easy on the bleach!



It is reported that, following discussion with David Attenborough, HM The Queen is to ban the presence of straws, plastic bottles and other non-biodegradable catering items from royal palaces and estates as a contribution to reducing the amount of plastic in the sea.

“Excuse me, just one moment, ma’am,
It’s straws like this do lots of harm,
Because, while people get them free,
They mostly end up in the sea.

And bottled water, too, is bad,
It’s really no more than a fad,
And empty bottles, fat or thin,
Are simply thrown into the bin.

From there some might recycled be,
And others burnt for heat that’s free,
But much of it, I am afraid,
The planet’s oceans will pervade.”

“That is bad news, one would have thought,
Purveyors of these items ought,
To make them so the plastic could,
Be re-used and thus do some good.

But, if not, then what one shall do,
Though we use no more than a few,
Is ban the use of drinking straws,
Because pollution one deplores.

And while one’s at it, one can say,
That, going forward from today,
One will the plastic bottle ban,
Replaced by paper, glass or can.

And, where one can, one will provide,
Fine glass and china cups beside,
So one can really cut the crap,
And give them water from the tap!”