FOSSIL DEATH!

Nissan LEAF

It is reported that the Government proposes to ban the sale of new diesel and petrol cars from 2040.

If you have got a diesel car,
You really don’t know where you are,
One time they were so very clean,
And now they’re better off unseen.

In ten short years the view has changed,
Priorities been rearranged,
And whereas once low CO2,
Was quite the wisest thing to do,
The view that is now orthodox,
Is that it’s best to have less NOx.

So up steps the electric car,
They may not go so very far,
But they are really so discreet,
While driving down the city street.

That is because, as you well know,
There’s no emissions on the go,
But still there is some CO2 –
It’s just it’s nowhere near you.

Then in just over twenty years,
The Government says it prefers,
Electric only to be sold,
The cleaner to the air behold.

No longer will we cough and wheeze,
Risk extinction of the species,
And with such wonderful foresight,
Then everything should be all right.

But wait! Perhaps things are amiss,
The Government is behind this,
And when HMG gets involved,
It rarely is a problem solved.

So watch this column if you would,
’Twill say if things are bad or good;
We pray that all will not be lost,
But do please keep your fingers crossed!

Image – Richard Kelly / Flickr

MONKEY BUSINESS

Monkey Macaque

It is reported that a wildlife photographer who taught a macaque monkey to press the camera button and take a selfie is being sued by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) who are claiming that since the monkey took the photograph it owns the copyright. So far Wikipedia has claimed that the monkey owns the copyright whereas the US Copyright Office says that an animal cannot own a copyright. The case continues. To avoid complications this blog will not feature the photograph in question.

The cameraman was really pleased,
He’d taught a monkey to say ‘Cheese’,
And then to press the button too,
And take a selfie – just like you.

The photograph was really cute,
The best one in his photo shoot,
And so he posted it on line,
Quite sure that he could say, “It’s mine!”

The Wiki book then published it,
For it was now a world-wide hit;
They said to do so was all right,
For monkey owned the copyright.

But PETA then came on the scene,
The cameraman, they said, was mean,
His making money did them irk,
When monkey had done all the work.

And so they took the man to court,
Accused him of a civil tort,
Against the monkey, now their friend,
Whose rights they now sought to defend.

The lawyers said this was absurd,
The daftest thing they’d ever heard;
A monkey can’t own copyright,
And even if he was quite bright,
If he was questioned in a quiz,
He’d likely not know what it is.

The judge is sure to throw it out,
Of that there can be little doubt,
And also he might say in rhyme,
It has all been a waste of time.

But wait! It now occurs to me,
It would be interesting to see,
What PETA has on its website,
And check that they’re behaving right.

So I checked peta.org.uk,
To see what they might have to say,
And there I saw to my surprise,
And just could not believe my eyes,
For what was I then looking at?
A picture of a fox and cat!

It may be everything’s all right,
And PETA owns the copyright,
But they should happily explain,
How they have managed to obtain,
A model release for the fox,
Which would be quite unorthodox.

And if they didn’t they should say,
How much the fox they have to pay,
That is how much they did agree,
To cover his modelling fee!

Image – Richard Fisher / Flickr

OIL AND WINE

Bottle neck

It is reported that continuing sun and dry whether in Spain is threatening the olive and grape harvests to the detriment or eaters and drinkers respectively.

It’s always sunny down in Spain,
But this year it has been a pain,
Because there’s not been any rain,
Not even mainly on the plain.

You need some rain to make things grow,
A fact it’s likely you will know,
’Cos over here we almost drown,
Because it’s always pouring down.

But back in Spain because they are,
The main olive farmers by far,
If this year you just can’t buy oil,
You will have to your stir-fry boil.

And if that wasn’t bad enough,
The weather’s really cut up rough,
In valleys where they grow the vines,
Which could deprive us all of wines.

Though Spanish wine is not the best,
We’re mostly keen to it digest,
And we will all be very sad,
If there is not much to be had.

So don’t delay and stock your shelves,
The bottles now come boxed in twelves,
If you’ve a gross or thereabout,
You can just sit the weather out!

CHAIRMAN OF THE BENCH

Park Bench

It is reported that a park bench belonging to Canterbury City council has been removed by contractors working for Kent County Council which denies the allegation but is investigating.

In Canterbury stands a seat,
It’s comfortable, rather neat,
At least it was ’til yesterday,
When someone took the seat away.

The City Council does allege,
That this seat just behind the hedge,
Was stolen by contractors who,
Were not entitled so to do.

They were working for Kent CC,
Replacing lights so folk could see,
But now with no bench there conjoint,
There does not seem a lot of point.

The Council has sent Kent a bill,
Declaring there is no ill-will,
But if in time they do not pay,
For the bench that they took away,
So a replacement can be bought,
Then they will find themselves in court.

But there in court a problem lies,
’Cos magistrates there, mostly wise,
Who will expect to rule on it,
Will have no bench on which to sit.

So is this now Catch 22,
Where magistrates cannot say who,
Should stand the cost of this cockup,
Unless they do it standing up?

CLIMATE CHANGE DISASTER

earth-216834_960_720

It is reported that Donald Trump has withdrawn the United States from the Paris Climate Change Accord to the apparent horror of the rest of the world.

“Now listen well, I’m Donald Trump,
And I’m afraid we have to dump,
This Paris climate thing which we,
Signed up to but must now be free.

The whole damn thing is all a hoax,
And will result in many folks,
Losing their jobs which is so bad,
And makes both them and me so mad.

Some say the problem’s caused by coal,
And it should not now have a rôle,
In the world as it does today;
But to these people I say, “Hey!
For me that is an ask too tough,
’Cos we’ve got mountains of the stuff.

The coal is sitting there for free,
So with a bit of help from me,
We’ll get to work, will dig and blast,
And it’s just tough if you’re aghast.

And then there’s fracking – jolly good –
We would do much more if we could,
But nothing you can do or say,
Will make the fracking go away.”

But others say, “You are a fool!
What you are doing is not cool.
And when it’s too late you will find,
That you’re consigning humankind,
To an uncertain future where,
They really won’t know what to wear.

For temperatures will be extreme,
Humidity from drought to teem,
Which means the only thing of use,
Although it might now sound obtuse,
Will be a brolly I’m afraid,
Which also can be a sunshade.”

But Trump replied, “I do not care,
About the moisture in the air,
Because right now my one main goal:
To have the miners dig the coal.

But when all that is underway,
And ere the onset of Doomsday,
Your kind advice I’ll not forget,
And p’rhaps a few umbrellas get!”

 

REALLY BAD OR REALLY GOOD?

Car_tailpipe_2

It is reported that Donald Trump has told Angela Merkel that the Germans are ‘really bad’ for exporting millions of cars to the USA. Really bad. And the emissions test cheating saga rumbles on.

Now Donald Trump just loves to tweet,
They are so short he thinks they’re neat,
And are for any short confab,
Just perfect for his small vocab.

So just this week he was quite terse,
With just a few words, not in verse,
When he said Germany was bad,
Because he’d now found out it had,
Been exporting too many cars,
Some of which had three-pointed stars.

“This will not do!” he said today,
“From this point on you’ll have to pay
A higher rate of import tax,
Because we have been far too lax.”

The Germans said, “We are not fools.
To do that is against the rules.

You say that we are ‘really bad’,
Because of the success we’ve had.
But you have got it all to cock,
And this may now come as a shock:
Your folk have not misunderstood,
And think our cars are ‘really good’.

So ‘good’, not ‘bad’, you ought to say,
If you should tweet your words today,
Our cars are really quite the best,
Apart from the emissions test.”

Image – De Facto / Wikimedia commons

TRUMP MEETS HIS HOLINESS THE MOPE

Trump and Pope

It is reported that at his meeting with Pope Francis Donald Trump was all smiles but the Pope did not smile and stared at his feet. The two have clashed previously on the Mexican wall and climate change.

The President has been all smiles,
The best he’s ever looked by miles,
For when he met the Pope that day,
He looked so happy and so gay.

Pope Francis, though, looked at the floor,
’Cos maybe he’d failed to implore,
The Donald not to build his wall,
Or at least not build it so tall.

“You should build bridges there instead,”
Is what the Pope’s thought to have said,
“Inviting migrants is the key,
If you want to a Christian be.”

And then to rub it in some more,
He told him that guy called Al Gore,
Had got it right on climate change;
And after just a brief exchange,
The Pope gave Trump a paper which,
Supports the global warming pitch.

We don’t know what the Donald said,
But like as not the Pope saw red,
And since he doesn’t like to tweet,
He stood there staring at his feet.

Of his displeasure it’s a sign,
More subtle than a cat-o-nine,
Or torture as there used to be,
Back in the fifteenth century.

So Trump had better watch his step,
For this Pope Francis is the rep,
Of the Almighty here on earth,
And with the President’s large girth,
The Pope could organise a hack,
Or possibly a heart attack!

Image – DonkeyHotey / Flickr