WHAT’S IN A NAME?

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It is reported that Jeremy Hunt, the rival candidate to Boris Johnson for the Conservative Party leadership, is in favour of repealing the ban on hunting with hounds. … Jeremy who? … No really, that’s taking it too far!

Our Jeremy does try to please,
He changes tack with greatest ease,
And never ceases – yes, you guessed,
To make out that he is the best.

As businessman he knows the ropes,
The NHS he helped to cope,
And now his wife who is Chinese,
Will find her role is just a breeze.

But now he’s gone beyond the top,
His claims, it seems, will never stop,
Because he has now found his name,
Might also help him just the same.

Now hunting with dogs, you’ll recall,
Was banned so now there’s none at all,
So Mr Hunt – please note the name –
Decided that he would proclaim
He’d bring it back and not pro-tem,
If he would be the next PM.

But this subject is rather tense,
With feelings that can be immense,
And since so many think it’s cruel,
They now think that the man’s a fool.

So do watch out these next few days,
As he, no doubt, looks for some ways,
To change what he has said and writ,
Or else for him that might be it!

TEFLON COATING

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It is reported that residents in Canterbury are complaining that some of their rubbish sometimes gets stuck in the wheelie bin and the refuse collectors won’t unstick it and empty the bins completely.

You fill your bin, they empty it,
You want them taking every bit,
But sometimes half of it stays in,
Perhaps a bag or sometimes tin.

The problem is that some gets stuck,
Perhaps a spot of dreadful luck,
But dustbin men say, “If it sticks,
It will be left there, that is it!”

The residents say, “Don’t be daft,
You are all experts at your craft.
Ao you will surely know that trick –
To poke it with a wooden stick.”

The Council, though, says, “No can do.
The problem’s really one for you;
You’re stuffing rubbish in too tight,
Which won’t come out without a fight.

We always give the bins a shake,
As much a rattle as they’ll take,
But if that fails there is no doubt,
We don’t have time to poke it out.”

So when you fill your bins take care,
For stuffing too much trash in there,
Will likely be a waste of time,
And later on might be a crime!

THE WRONG TYPE OF CUP!

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It is reported that buffet staff on South Western Trains refused to fill Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s own reusable cup owing to company policy based on safety concerns.

You’ve heard of the wrong type of snow,
Which can mean that the trains don’t go,
And also there’s from time to time,
That dreaded thing – leaves on the line.

Trains have to cope with all of this,
So travel plans don’t go amiss,
But there are other problems which,
Lead travellers to moan and bitch.

One such of these could be the cup,
That’s filled with tea to pep you up,
And normal ones are single use,
For coffee, tea or even juice.

So some people take their own cup,
And ask the man to fill it up;
Increasingly, this is OK,
And can save money, by the way.

But South West Trains, it seems today,
Are none too keen this game to play,
And they say their hot water spout,
Might splatter boiling water out.

It’s not adjustable, they say,
And consequently now, today,
They only can one trip cups use,
And other types they must refuse.

In spite of this, all is not lost,
For even with the increased cost,
The earth they don’t want to abuse,
So will compostable cups use.

That this will help we are quite sure,
And though the cups will not be fewer,
They will all go to make compost,
And will not in the sea be lost.

So drink your drink and give a cheer,
The railway folk are quite sincere,
And I’m sure it will all be fine,
Unless there’s compost on the line!

… THEN LET THEM USE PETROL

Marie Antoinette

It is reported that thousands of people wearing yellow vests (Health and Safety, you know) are protesting, some violently, against French President Macron’s decision to increase the price of diesel fuel. “Sir, they have no diesel.” “Then let them use petrol.”

Macron looks like a wonder kid,
Though it’s not clear just what he did,
To get elected – year ago –
But someone, somewhere ought to know.

But like the chiefs who went before,
A shock has always been in store,
For now – if you look you can see –
He’s lost his popularity.

That was before events last week,
When Frenchmen in a fit of pique,
All donned their yellow vests and then,
Set off to protest once again.

The thing that kicked these protests off,
Was people had all had enough,
Of Macron and his diesel hike,
Intended to promote the bike.

“We will not stand this any more,
So heed as we say Zut alors!
It’s fine for you, you are so posh,
But this rise hits us dans la poche.

There’ve been protests like this before,
Which ended up in blood and gore,
But that was seventeen seventy-five,
And back then people couldn’t drive.

Then it concerned the price of bread,
Required by most that are not dead,
But there are parallels today,
If you will treat us in this way.

We mean that Marie Antoinette,
Who said, “If they’ve no bread then let,
Them eat brioche – a type of cake –
Then they will no more trouble make.”

The rest you know, she lost her head,
And ever since that day’s been dead,
And if she could look back I bet,
Those famous words she would regret.

So now here is some good advice:
We can’t afford the diesel price,
That is because it’s now sky-high …
But don’t tell us to petrol buy!”

SHEAR IMPUDENCE

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It is reported that animal rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has declared that the Dorset village of Wool is an affront to sheep and have asked that the village be renamed Vegan Wool.

It sounds ridiculous, I know,
That somebody should have a go,
Complaining that a village name,
Should be changed so it’s not the same.

The name in question? It is Wool,
And though it’s all a load of bull,
They say the name is rather cheap,
Insulting, then, to Shaun the Sheep.

But villagers who this have heard,
Say that these folk have badly erred,
Because their facts have not been checked,
Perhaps through lack of intellect.

Despite appearances, the name,
Though as sheep’s fluffy coats the same,
Has no connection with, in fact,
A fleece which may be white or black.

In fact this short word means a well,
Back in the days when few could spel,
And since this fact has now been proved,
The Wool sign need not be removed.

But there’s a lesson in this rhyme,
For those who complain all the time:
If you want to a nuisance be,
Then first please check your history,
And if you find you are not right,
Try not to history re-write!

MAKE AMERICA RAKE AGAIN

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It is reported that Donald Trump says that the President of Finland told him that they avoid forest fires by doing a lot of raking. The Finnish President says they never discussed this. Perhaps Trump wants to Rake America Great Again! Or is it just Rake News?

Now Donald Trump is never shy,
But often will not explain why,
He says the things he likes to spout,
In case, perhaps, he gets caught out.

And so it was the other day,
He claimed some guy to him did say,
That Finns maintain their forests green,
By raking up on which they’re keen.

The guy in question, in fact, was,
The Finnish President because,
The two had met the other day,
But some translation lost its way.

“We didn’t talk for very long,”
Said he in local Finnish tongue,
“And any talk of how to rake,
Is probably just news that’s fake.”

But Donald Trump was undeterred,
“There is no doubt what I have heard;
I really haven’t crossed my wires,
It’s why Finns don’t have forest fires!”

But common sense says he was wrong,
For it emerged before too long,
That in Finland a cold wind blows,
And when not raining then it snows.

So could it be that that is why,
The forests there don’t often fry?
And he is wrong, the one called Trump,
A bit like our friend Forrest Gump?

PRINCE OF SALES

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It is reported that the very frugal Prince of Wales has his tailors keep an offcut of material each time he buys a suit so that it can be used for repairs should the need arise.

The Prince of Wales is rather rich,
And so he doesn’t moan and bitch,
About the price he pays for suits,
Or, for that matter, shoes and boots.

The quality he buys is good,
As you’ll agree with me it should,
But still at the end of the day,
The suits he sports will wear away.

Most people then buy something new,
And if they’re feeling rash p’rhaps two,
But Charles’s suits go back so they,
Will wear again another day.

The tailors take their thread and cloth,
Which has been kept from mould and moth,
And has been stored so that a tear,
Can be subjected to repair.

Once done, the suit’s as good as new,
He’s saved the cost of one (or two),
And this might help to folk convince,
That Charles is quite a frugal Prince.

This image he likes to portray,
Sometimes if not quite every day,
And that means frugal’s rather green,
At least when Charles is on the scene.

Image – Dan Marsh / Wikimedia commons