KNOCK KNOCK

Waitrose

It is reported that Waitrose is starting in-house deliveries where they let themselves in and put your groceries in the kitchen, fridge or freezer.

It seems that in this day and age,
Although it can be hard to gauge,
Folk like to buy their food and wine,
Not in the shop but now online.

So far, so good, but when the man,
Stops outside in his little van,
He’ll likely not see you about,
Because quite often you’ll be out.

So with your shopping, what to do?
The options can be rather few,
And all that he can do that day
Is take the blooming lot away.

So Waitrose has devised a plan,
Which will allow their little man,
To go inside your locked front door,
And walking gently on the floor,
He’ll find your fridge and cupboard too,
And put it all away for you.

“That’s pretty good,” I hear you say,
“But if the fridge is full, he may,
Find there is insufficient room,
Because we have failed to consume,
The last lot that he brought before,
From some or other Waitrose store.”

“I see your problem but I think,
If he leaves some things in the sink,
They’ll be all right for, as a rule,
Most sinks are really pretty cool.

It does mean, though, the sink must be,
As empty and clean as can be,
For if it’s not and in a mess,
It might cause much undue distress.”

I’m rambling on here, not sure how,
To finish off this poem now,
But it might help if you would stop,
And buy all your stuff in the shop!

NOT RECYCLABLE OR RETURNABLE

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It is reported that people are protesting about Walkers Crisps’ use of unrecyclable packaging by posting empty bags back to them and jamming the Royal Mail sorting machines in the process.

The Royal Mail is in despair,
It seems protesters do not care,
For they’re putting crisp packets in,
The post instead of in the bin.

Ate they protesting? Yes indeed,
At Walkers who the market lead,
In crisps and other sorts of snacks,
Sold at Tesco’s and now at Jack’s.

The problem is the crinkly wrap;
For recycling it’s really crap,
For it’s got layers – film and foil –
So it can’t be turned back to oil.

So someone hit upon the ruse –
A simple sort of subterfuge –
Of posting empty packets back,
To persuade Walkers to change tack,
And do research until they find,
Crisp packets of a different kind.

But back to our friends Royal Mail,
For whom this is beyond the pale,
For postal sorting’s not designed,
For bags and rubbish of that kind,
Unless it’s pretty well wrapped up,
With paper, Sellotape and stuff.

So Royal Mail appeals to you:
There is one thing you have to do,
And now it is their fervent hope,
At least you’ll use an envelope!

Image – Vincent Li

WEIGHT WATCHING

Weight watchers

It is reported that Weight Watchers has changed its name to WW (narrowly missing a car) after its original name was said to be guilty of body shaming.

Weight Watchers was formed to assist,
More chubby people to resist,
Eating too many cakes and puds,
And also fattening pastry goods.

Like-minded people joined up fast,
Today as back in ages past,
And as they shared their thoughts around,
They found that they could shed a pound.

Their title really was quite smart,
Described the science and the art,
In which they all were much engaged,
Both men and women, young and aged.

But fifty years on people say,
It’s wrong to style yourself that way,
For anyone who is too fat,
Thinks they are not worth looking at.

And more than that it is quite rude,
Observing the effects of food,
As they affect your fellow man,
Who wants to diet if he can.

So now Weight Watchers has a name,
Designed so that it will not shame;
It’s letters really are quite few –
Just W and W.

But no-one quite knows what they mean,
A problem that was ill-foreseen,
But they can claim this new format,
Has nothing now to do with fat!

HAD YOUR CHIPS YET?

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It is reported that the hot weather during the summer will result in shorter chips.

If you like chips then you should know,
The weather that makes all things grow,
Has been bad for the pomme de terre,
With lots of farmers going spare.

The problem has been little rain,
So spuds do not so much weight gain;
This then means that their size is small,
And this applies to almost all.

Now if the spuds are to be mashed,
The cook need not feel too abashed,
For if the spuds are bent or small,
It doesn’t matter much at all.

But if they’re used for making chips,
Destined to pass through someone’s lips,
Then folk will find the chips they bought,
Are rather shorter than they thought.

In terms of eating they’re still good,
They stave off hunger as they should,
And you can put them to the test,
By serving to your dinner guests.

When they’ve arrived and ere they go,
The conversation ought to flow,
So if you want to seem quite wise,
Just talk about the length of fries!

DEVONWALL

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It is reported that the Boundary Commission has proposed that there should be a new parliamentary constituency straddling the border between Devon and Cornwall; inevitably this has not gone down well.

When he was there in government.
Dave Cameron said his intent,
Was to reduce now if you please,
The total number of MPs.

They should go down by fifty and,
Six hundred then can rule the land,
And while they’re at it they’ll adjust,
Constituency size – a must.

So boundary people set to work,
They toiled for years and did not shirk,
And now proposals can be seen,
With footnotes as to what they mean.

There are anomalies, for sure,
From trying to make MPs fewer,
And maybe the worst one there is,
That’s driving folk into a tizz,
Is down in Cornwall, Devon too,
With one seat that’s completely new.

The problem is it isn’t all,
In either Devon or Cornwall,
So people will not know, you see,
Which way round they should make their tea.

By now you likely will have guessed,
That when I talk about what’s best,
It is to cream teas I refer,
And which way up one might prefer.

In Devon put the cream on first,
While Cornish folk say that’s the worst,
For long ago the die was cast,
That cream must always go on last.

So if two counties mix as one,
To satisfy both can’t be done,
And so it is, I am afraid,
No longer can your tea be made.

First job, then, for the new MP,
Will be to see if he or she,
Can walk this minefield or tightrope,
But really, there is not much hope.

GLUE PACK

Carlsberg can

It is reported that Carlsberg is to glue cans of beer together in its multipacks instead of connecting them with plastic rings and this will reduce its plastic use by 1,200 tonnes per year.

A Carlsberg lager comes in cans,
And so the brewer might face bans,
About its packaging and waste,
As distinct from the lager’s taste.

And so the company has been,
Removing plastic from the scene,
And minimising what they use,
To package, in four packs, their brews.

They have removed the plastic ring,
Which always was a fiddly thing,
And in the future they’ll use glue,
To make up packs of two plus two.

The glue’s designed to hold them tight,
But then it’s plain, because you’re bright,
That you then give a little twist,
More than the new glue can resist.

And that is it, you can now pull,
The ring and check the can is full,
Which it will be because, I think,
They want you to enjoy your drink.

GOING BANANAS

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It is reported that Tesco has increased the price of bananas at its city centre stores owing to the high cost of operating shops in such locations.

Bananas can be bent or straight,
And they are mainly sold by weight,
But as you’re reading in this rhyme,
They’ll now be sold one at a time.

That is in Tesco’s city stores,
Where you will have to now pay more,
And if one off the shelf you reach,
You’ll pay some sixty-five pence each.

The reason for this, Tesco say,
Is all because they have to pay,
Such high rents in the city streets,
So they must charge more for our eats.

The shop says it is only fair,
That they charge higher prices where,
Their rents are high and spaces small,
Or they would not be there at all.

“But why bananas?” people say,
“Some people eat them every day,
And that remains our main intent,
No matter they are straight or bent.”

“We see your point,” the shop replies,
“But this fruit comes in any size,
So if you’re careful and you try,
You can do better when you buy.

So in you come and use your eyes,
Assess the fruit by length and size,
And then if you like what you see,
It’s just like ‘Buy One Get One Free’.”