HAZELNUT HEIST

Nutella

It is reported that thieves in Germany have stolen twenty tons of Nutella spread.

The police are looking, so it’s said,
For twenty tons of chocolate spread,
Which disappeared quite recently,
Depriving Germans of their tea.

It vanished in the dead of night,
In jars labelled full-fat or light,
And police to give them their due,
Already have their first breakthrough.

“The thieves,” they say, “are out of luck,
Because they must have had a truck,
To move such quantity as this,
And that, therefore, is our premise.

So everywhere these robbers go,
We know that they will be so slow,
And since the chase-cars that we use,
Are Mercs. and BMWs,
We can with some conviction say,
That they will never get away.

Our cars are waiting back at base,
All ready to begin the chase,
And apprehend these groceries,
Just once we know which truck it is!”

Image – S Smith / Flickr

SMASHING!

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It is reported that millions of Dutch eggs and egg products made from them have been destroyed owing to contamination with a banned type of insecticide.

You probably like eating eggs,
Produced to all the rules and regs,
Which if they are all followed will,
Prevent us all from falling ill.

Britain produces most itself,
They’re on the supermarket shelf,
Where you will find hens’ eggs galore,
But please don’t drop them on the floor.

But some have come from Holland and,
Might have been processed, cooked or canned,
And these contain insecticide,
Which isn’t good poached, boiled or fried.

So cooked eggs here have been withdrawn,
But in Europe it’s more forlorn,
As millions of eggs are smashed,
Whites, yolks and shells completely trashed.

The biggest omelette, I suppose,
Could have been made with all of those,
But even with a proper plan,
You simply couldn’t find a pan.

And if you did what would you do?
The eggs are still not good for you,
So if you did the omelette eat,
You might quite soon your maker meet!

A BIG CHEESE

Cheese grana padano

It is reported that the Grana Padano Cheesemakers Consortium sent a gift of a forty pound wheel of cheese to our Prime Minister during her holiday in Italy but it’s delivery to her hotel was delayed as it was thought to be a suspicious package that might contain a bomb.

You might have heard that Mrs May,
Is on her summer holiday,
And this week which is first of three,
She’s spending time in Italy.

The makers of the local cheese,
Thought Mrs May they’d like to please,
By sending her a little gift,
A wheel of cheese – you get my drift?

The cheese arrived, it weighed a lot,
The police said it might be a plot,
So it went in another room,
In case the whole thing should go ‘Boom!’

The cheesemen said, “It is all right.
We’re sorry it gave you a fright.
For all your problems we all feel,
And that’s why we gave you this wheel.

In the EU wheel you’re a cog,
About the same as Kraut or Frog,
But after Brexit, Mrs May,
Your wheel’s then smaller than today.

So we thought that it might assist,
You or perhaps your publicist,
If after Brexit you could claim,
That life would go on much the same.

For this to be so folk must think,
Negotiators will not blink,
And the wheel in which you’re a cog,
Is big and not the underdog.

So having this enormous cheese,
Will help convince them all with ease,
That they should not get too uptight,
For everything will be all right.

And be assured the cheese is fine,
Will go down well with port or wine,
We checked it three times we confess,
So that it would not cause distress.”

YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY …

 

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It is reported that research has shown that drinking one cup of coffee can prolong your life by nine minutes if you are a man and by three minutes if you are a woman. However, if it induces poor sleep it may trigger the onset of Alzheimer’s disease so take your pick.

Research has shown that coffee can,
Prolong your life if you’re a man,
And also if you’re female too,
Though in that case it’s tough to do.

Just one cup – black, white or latte –
Will cause the Reaper to delay,
His unwelcome arrival time,
By minutes which will total nine.

But if you’re female – not so good.
For you a cup of coffee should,
Increase you life by minutes three,
Which does seem quite unfair to me.

But I’m afraid that’s how it is,
Short change for Miss, Ms or Mrs,
And if it leaves you feeling glum,
Perhaps the worst it yet to come.

For adding to our daily woes,
Some further research also shows,
That Alzheimer’s can be brought on,
Affecting the encephalon,
By lack of sleep when we’re in bed,
And that’s it then until we’re dead.

Now you will know just as do I,
Coffee does not induce shuteye;
It tends to keep us all awake,
And now we know a lot’s at stake.

So pay your money, take your pick,
Live longer or risk getting sick,
Or maybe you can get it right,
By drinking it but not at night!

SPAIN CLAIM

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It is reported that British holidaymakers in Spain have been falsely claiming to be suffering from food poisoning in order to claim payouts from hotels, restaurants and insurance companies.

We all like holidays in Spain,
The reason being there’s no rain,
But also people like the food,
About which we should not be rude.

We eat out at the tapas bars,
Restaurants, some with Michelin stars,
And Spanish dishes go down fine,
Washed down by super cheapo wine.

But some folk say they have been ill,
Might just have had to take a pill,
And ’gainst the restaurant they might claim,
Not feeling any guilt or shame.

These claims are generally fake,
Designed to simply money make,
But the hotels, restaurants and bars,
Are left with reputations scarred,
For if folk think they might fall ill,
They will not then the restaurants fill.

But now the bars are fighting back,
No longer will they take this flak,
And if you claim you have been ill,
You very soon might find they will,
Sue you so you end up in court,
For claiming much more than you ought.

So when you go to Spain take care,
And not just what you eat and where,
If you claim that you have been sick,
Make sure it’s true and not a trick.

BETTER BUBBLES

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It is reported that the CO-OP’s own brand of champagne has won a gold medal at the Champagne World Championships.

If you like champagne you should pop,
Along to your local CO-OP,
Where you will find when once inside,
Champagne that is quite rarefied.

Out humble CO-OP so it seems,
Has found the champagne of our dreams,
For that on sale or so we’re told,
Has very recently won gold,
At the world championships which are,
Judging the best champagne by far.

The famous names were all there too,
With many listed as Grand Cru,
But CO-OP fizz with its blue sign,
Was judged to be extremely fine.

So when you want champagne take care,
The CO-OP buyers have most flair,
For sniffing out the best of those,
Whose prices won’t get up your nose!

BLOOMS TO GO

Nasturtium salad

It is reported that it has become fashionable to eat flowers in a salad rather than just to look at them but there is concern that some are poisonous.

If you like salads every day,
Don’t too far from the lettuce stray,
It might be boring, scarce a treat,
But at least it is safe to eat.

Some people now and shops as well,
Are trying very hard to sell,
Flowers, not in a bunch or spray,
Or even a large wrapped bouquet,
But in a salad box for you,
To eat with lettuce that they grew.

There’s many types, all safe to eat,
But if you want a special treat,
You could look in your garden where,
Some flowers might be going spare.

But do be careful which you eat,
My list below is not complete,
And if on eating you should die,
I don’t want you to say that I,
Gave info you used as a guide,
And that, in fact, is why you died.

So dandelions? Eat the lot.
But foxgloves definitely not.
And when it comes to poppy seeds,
Which can grow tall just like the weeds
To eat them I would not advise,
In case they are illegal highs.

So let your watchword be take care,
When you have got a salad there;
It looks so nice you’ll want to tweet,
But is it really safe to eat?

Image –  Romel Sanchez / Flickr