SMALL BARS ONLY PLEASE!

Chocolate bars

It is reported that the NHS wants hospital shops and vending machines to stop selling large-size snacks which contain more than 250 calories.

In hospital one can get fat,
And if you ask, ‘What’s wrong with that?’
Well, being thin’s not just a fad,
’Cos being fat can be quite bad.

It leads to illness, as you know,
It’s hard work when you’re on the go,
And if you too much chocolate crave,
You’ll be in for an early grave.

More to the point, you might fall ill,
But not responsive to a pill;
The NHS then takes you in,
And starves you till it makes you thin.

How they do this, they are all clued,
They serve unappetising food,
And till it’s eaten it’s a cert,
That no way will you get dessert.

But if you think that you can sneak,
Into the shop and take a peek,
At all their snacks there on display,
And all you’ve got to do is pay,
Then I’ve bad news, I am afraid,
’Cos chocolate, sweets and lemonade,
Now come in very tiny packs,
So really not much of a snack.

So for a snack, please bide your time,
For neither is there beer or wine,
But, in the end, if you lose weight,
Perhaps you won’t then meet your fate!

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THE BEST BLACK SWAN IN THE WORLD

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It is reported that the Black Swan in Oldstead near Thirsk in North Yorkshire has been voted the world’s best restaurant. Cheers!

The world’s best restaurant, so it’s said,
Is the Black Swan here in Oldstead;
It’s also got Michelin stars –
That’s for the restaurant, not the bars.

The food is really very good,
The service perfect as it should,
And people who come here to eat,
Have an experience complete.

They see the food there on the plate,
The first aspect they like to rate,
Then after that they wolf it down,
Proclaiming it’s of great renown.

The main course done, on to dessert,
And, as you guessed, they do assert,
That this is pretty good as well –
At least as far as they can tell.

They also have to score the wine,
The coffee after must be fine,
And so when all is said and done,
The Black Swan at Oldstead has won.

So off you go to book your feast,
Or have a glass of wine at least;
Experience will be unique,
But waiting time’s about twelve week.

Image – Colin Grice / Wikimedia commons

TESCO? SURELY NOT!

Tesco van

It is reported that a lady dialled 999 to report a Tesco delivery van in her street which she considered to be suspicious because ‘people round here don’t shop at Tesco’.

If you are in a Neighbour Watch,
You must be careful not to botch
Things or to raise a false alarm,
Which sometimes might do people harm.

Now false alarms are hard to tell,
As many people know quite well,
So best to watch and bide your time,
Before reporting likely crime.

But one old girl, acting in haste,
And seeing things not to her taste,
Did not like one blue Tesco van,
And wasn’t that keen on the man.

She wasted not a moment’s time,
And quickly dialled 999,
Then waited for police to come,
So they’d arrest this Tesco bum.

The policeman came, he said, “What’s up?
I hope I’ve not been sold a pup.
I see no criminals right now,”
As he looked round with furrowed brow.

“Just use your eyes! – Across the road!
They must have got the wrong postcode.
That van’s suspicious, I am sure,
To let him off is premature.”

“It’s just a Tesco van I see,
Delivering food but not for free;
So what’s the problem then with that?
I’m sure that they’ll have paid the VAT.”

“It’s not the VAT, you silly fool,
The shops all charge it as a rule,
But that van there is very queer –
Tesco’s not used by folk round here!”

Image – Sebastian Ballard / Wikimedia commons

BRITISH SOLDIERS AT LAST

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It is reported that British eggs with the Lion Mark are now free of salmonella and so can be safely eaten soft-boiled. Soldiers lovers rejoice!

If you like soldiers for your tea,
You’ll now hear some good news from me:
For, recently, it’s been decreed,
That one oneself can safely feed,
With runny eggs with liquid yolk,
And into which one’s toast can poke.

This is called soldiers, as you know,
You dip the toast strips to and fro,
Or, if your egg’s the right way round,
You ought to dip them up and down.

The eggs, though, need the Lion Mark,
Which means some functionary or clerk,
Has monitored how they were made,
Before and after they were laid.

Such eggs are healthy in extreme –
No salmonella’s what I mean –
And so they will not make you ill,
But take care ’cos the yolk can spill!

POPCORN

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It is reported that people are snacking on popcorn rather than sweets or crisps as they think it is healthier. But a trap awaits.

You know that dentists don’t like sweets,
Think they’re the worst things that we eat,
And doctors aren’t afraid to tell,
That crisps are bad for us as well.

In case of crisps, it is the fat,
Which has been tested out on rat;
I don’t know whether brown or black,
But some have had a heart attack.

So people look for things to eat,
Which, while still seeming like a treat,
Might go some way one’s health to save,
And thus prevent an early grave.

The new contender is … popcorn,
But dentists say they have to warn,
That though popcorn might look all right,
The kernels can be rather tight.

And kernels – that’s the middle bit –
Can cause a problem if you sit,
And munch away, for every bite,
Can wear the tooth, however slight.

And when the wearing gets too bad,
A broken tooth may then be had,
Which, though it may be large or small,
Is undesirable for all.

Except, perhaps, for dentists who,
Know just exactly what to do;
Their treatment stops you being ill,
But there can be a hefty bill.

So when you buy your snacks take care,
There might be danger lurking there;
You do not want to come to grief,
So don’t choose ones that hurt your teeth!

FOOD FIEND

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It is reported that a primary school in Otley has been searching its children’s lunch boxes for banned foods!

If you’re a schoolchild do take care,
And not just re the clothes you wear;
Your lunchbox might contain some food,
Which by the school’s not been approved.

You probably know what those are,
They would include a chocolate bar,
But also breakfast bars are bad,
Depending on which sort you’ve had.

These sorts of things, crisps and drinks too,
Are said to be quite bad for you;
And so Miss X will check your lunch,
Sometimes just acting on a hunch,
And should she see unhealthy food,
Although it may seem rather rude,
Which might be wrapped or on a plate,
Those items she will confiscate.

She’ll put them in a little bag,
Which has your name there on a tag;
And when at home-time mummy comes,
She’ll be told you have empty tums,
Because you weren’t allowed to eat,
What she had thought was just a treat.

She’ll be embarrassed, there’s no doubt,
’Cos she left fruit and veggies out;
And she’ll not want the rules to flout,
So next time you’ll get Brussels sprouts!

So if you don’t like sprouts take care,
Fill up with fruit and some to spare;
It’s better to have fruit than not,
Then Mrs X won’t take the lot!

CHICKEN TONIGHT?

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It is reported that the biggest supplier of chicken to several of the major supermarkets has been falsifying dates and using poor hygiene practices.

If you want chicken you might go,
To the super-market and so,
You would want standards to be high,
For these birds that don’t ever fly.

The birds, of course, are mostly dead,
But when they were killed it is said,
The info from this may be fake,
So customers will likely take,
The chicken and will think it’s great,
And all within its sell-by date.

But some old meat has been re-packed,
And that is not allowed, in fact,
For, though it might reduce the bill,
It also might just make you ill.

Their hygiene’s pretty poor as well,
For some meat that they like to sell,
Has been recovered from the floor,
And re-packed for a different store.

So it’s now plain, these people cheat,
They really don’t care what you eat;
You always must be on your guard,
And choosing other meat’s not hard.

So let your watchword be, ‘Take care’,
When eating the birds of the air;
It’s better that you starve than die,
So do be careful what you buy!

Image – Steve Dunham / Wikimedia commons