It is reported that eighty-four percent of the population grate cheese using the ‘large raindrop’ side of the grater.

A grater is for grating cheese,
And do it with consummate ease,
They’re usually all much the same,
Shaped like that building with their name.

At home, of graters, we have six,
So easy then to pick and mix,
And so with total two times three,
I can claim to an expert be.

So when I read most people choose,
The larger raindrop side to use,
I’m not surprised, I do myself,
And leave the others on the shelf.

My reason, though not hard to glean,
Is ’cos it’s easier to clean,
Than other sides with smaller holes,
For hygiene is one of my goals.

But still a problem can arise,
Which needs some thought if you are wise,
And that’s to learn all of the ways,
That you can not your knuckles graze.

Most people, it seems, simply say,
They eat the last bit anyway,
While others want the whole lot in,
So grate it right down to the skin.

But I, myself, find it’s enough,
To hold it by that cling film stuff,
Because, though it might start to shred,
Your fingers stay intact instead.

So when you’re grating cheese take care,
Your fingers don’t get too close there,
Your grating then will be a breeze,
And it can still be cracking cheese.



It is reported that a study by Which? has found that the numbers of the different kinds of sweets in a tin of Quality Street does not match their relative popularity.

We have our favourite favourite sweets,
The ones we most prefer to eat,
So when we open up a tin,
Of those we hope there’ll be lots in.

It would seem logical in prose,
For Nestlé to put more of those,
That in a taste contest would win,
Inside the famous QS tin.

But if, instead, we talk in rhyme,
It seems they don’t do this each time,
For Which? Has counted and they find,
By checking each and every kind,
They might be thinking of your purse,
And making the selection worse.

Less chocolate but more fruity creams,
Might keep the cost down, so it seems,
And if nobody keeps a check,
On further changes to the spec,
Our favourite ones, one has to fear,
At some stage might well disappear.

So buy a tin and do a count,
To check for each one the amount,
And if you think they are not right,
Do pick up then a pen and write,
To Nestlé where they do decide,
How many of each go inside.

I’m sure you’ll get a quick reply,
Complete with explanation why,
But it’s unlikely they will change,
The make-up of the QS range.

So after writing what to do?
Your options might be rather few;
You could decide to buy less and,
Switch over to another brand.

The problem is, though, it may be,
That when the other tins you see,
Their favourites might also be few,
’Cos they might all be at it too!

Image – Bruno Girin / Wikimedia commons



It is reported that Heston Blumenthall has been putting stones in his new soup recipes.

There is a story – old, I think,
Where this old woman had a think,
And tricked an old man on his own,
To make some soup with only stone.

The trick was other things went in,
For otherwise it would be thin,
And when the trick was all complete,
She then had lots of soup to eat.

Now Heston Blumenthal, it seems,
Has spoken to his cooking teams,
And after looking near and far,
They made something quite similar.

He makes the soup, adds stones as well,
(They’re more like gravel, I can tell),
And then he serves it to his guests,
Who pay a lot for what is best.

So if you should be one of those,
You better had stay on your toes;
If careless you might lose your teeth,
Or, worse than that, might need a wreath!

Image – Brian Minkoff – London Pixels


Christnas pudding

It is reported that the traditional Christmas pudding has been losing popularity and is being replaced by panettone and chocolate cake.

We used to all like Christmas pud,
And after turkey we all would,
Dig in with spoons to see if we,
Could find a sixpence there maybe.

And every year, as like as not,
A sixpence was what we all got,
Because our mum made very sure,
Compared to coins the guests were fewer.

Excitement over, we tucked in,
It was home-made, not from a tin,
And everybody there would sit,
Until they’d eaten every bit.

But now we hear that fewer like,
This sort of pudding and might gripe,
Preferring chocolate to the fruit,
Or maybe something served en croute.

If this is so it is a shame,
Because the dish that bears this name,
Must be made with dried fruit and dates,
Or similar at any rate.

But, in fact, in the shops today,
I saw some hundreds on display,
And some of them, at higher price,
Were advertised as extra nice.

So p’rhaps maybe the tide will turn,
As more of us begin to learn,
How wonderful this pudding is,
And buy one with our groceries.


Cup drinks-1477040_960_720

It is reported that buffet staff on South Western Trains refused to fill Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s own reusable cup owing to company policy based on safety concerns.

You’ve heard of the wrong type of snow,
Which can mean that the trains don’t go,
And also there’s from time to time,
That dreaded thing – leaves on the line.

Trains have to cope with all of this,
So travel plans don’t go amiss,
But there are other problems which,
Lead travellers to moan and bitch.

One such of these could be the cup,
That’s filled with tea to pep you up,
And normal ones are single use,
For coffee, tea or even juice.

So some people take their own cup,
And ask the man to fill it up;
Increasingly, this is OK,
And can save money, by the way.

But South West Trains, it seems today,
Are none too keen this game to play,
And they say their hot water spout,
Might splatter boiling water out.

It’s not adjustable, they say,
And consequently now, today,
They only can one trip cups use,
And other types they must refuse.

In spite of this, all is not lost,
For even with the increased cost,
The earth they don’t want to abuse,
So will compostable cups use.

That this will help we are quite sure,
And though the cups will not be fewer,
They will all go to make compost,
And will not in the sea be lost.

So drink your drink and give a cheer,
The railway folk are quite sincere,
And I’m sure it will all be fine,
Unless there’s compost on the line!



It is reported that animal rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has declared that the Dorset village of Wool is an affront to sheep and have asked that the village be renamed Vegan Wool.

It sounds ridiculous, I know,
That somebody should have a go,
Complaining that a village name,
Should be changed so it’s not the same.

The name in question? It is Wool,
And though it’s all a load of bull,
They say the name is rather cheap,
Insulting, then, to Shaun the Sheep.

But villagers who this have heard,
Say that these folk have badly erred,
Because their facts have not been checked,
Perhaps through lack of intellect.

Despite appearances, the name,
Though as sheep’s fluffy coats the same,
Has no connection with, in fact,
A fleece which may be white or black.

In fact this short word means a well,
Back in the days when few could spel,
And since this fact has now been proved,
The Wool sign need not be removed.

But there’s a lesson in this rhyme,
For those who complain all the time:
If you want to a nuisance be,
Then first please check your history,
And if you find you are not right,
Try not to history re-write!



It is reported that the Shoulder of Mutton pub in York has changed its name to the Hewarth Inn so as to attract more vegan customers … or perhaps so as not to be remembered.

Now mutton used to be quite good,
A change from cows that chew the cud,
So many pubs decided that,
They’re paint their signboards after that.

There’s quite a lot if you tot up,
All full of drinking people but,
Meat’s not exactly all the rage,
Now in this modern day and age.

For some folk can be vegans here,
Which means they’re OK drinking beer,
But when it comes to food to eat,
They stick to fruit and veg – not meat.

The landlord is aware of this,
Wants not to any custom miss,
And so he’s taken a new name;
But, really, it is such a shame,
That what he’s chosen cannot be,
Recalled by anyone but he.

The Hewarth Inn sounds rather bland,
Though it serves vegan, fresh or canned,
And you can wash it down with ale,
For there are several there on sale.

Vegans, no doubt, will think it’s good,
Will go and eat there what they should,
That is if they can still recall,
Just where the pub is after all.