TIME EVERYONE PLEASE

beer

It is reported that beers with sexist names are to be banned from this year’s Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) Great British Beer Festival.

Craft beers are now so very good,
If you don’t drink them then you should,
But from now on do be aware,
Their names must now be picked with care.

For CAMRA has this year decreed,
That brand names must be guaranteed,
To not offend the ladies who,
Might want to sit and drink a few.

Their drinking might be quite intense,
But not if they should take offence,
At names they on the bottles see,
With which some might just disagree.

So no ‘Slap Bottom’, ‘Dizzy Blonde’,
Not even names of which you’re fond,
‘Slack Alice’ also will not do,
And probably ‘Top Totty’ too.

So pick your name, enjoy your ale,
It might be dark or even pale,
But if its name seems rather crass,
Be sure to drink it from a glass!

THE LAST STRAW!

milkshake

It is reported that McDonald’s new paper straws cannot be recycled, unlike the old plastic ones they replaced.

“McDonald’s here, you know we said,
That plastic straws both white and red,
Would be replaced with paper types,
To be recycled, ending gripes.

We’ve tried it now, it doesn’t work,
And staff have almost gone berserk;
They keep them separate then are told,
We can’t now get new straws from old.

We tried so hard, you won’t believe,
The other things we have achieved,
But in the case of drinking straws,
The reason for this is because,
We’ve had to make them extra thick,
’Cos you don’t drink your milk shakes quick.

So really it is not our fault,
This back to plastic by default,
And earth can’t come back from the brink,
Till you more quickly drink your drink.”

100 CALORIES

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It is reported that Cadbury is to reduce the number of calories in some of its snacks to one hundred in line with government guidelines by reducing the weight in each pack. Whether the price will also go down has reportedly not been decided.

Snack makers are now in distress,
They’re being told they must put less,
Calories in a bar or pack,
Of anything that’s called a snack.

But changing recipes is hard,
The taste can change and then The Bard*,
Could write about it in his blog,
Then not so many would they flog.

But then one day a clever spark,
Suggested, maybe for a lark,
That they could just reduce the weight,
And hence the calories folk ate.

To his surprise his colleagues clapped,
And then he on the back was slapped,
Then later on that self-same day,
He got a bonus in his pay.

You see this did the problem solve,
With no need to change or evolve,
The formulation of the bar,
So they could all stay as they are.

But putting less in each small pack,
Meant that the few grams each would lack,
Would add to profits every day,
How much? I don’t think I can say.

Perhaps the price might come down too,
And save some pence for me and you,
But it’s more likely I would say,
The old prices are here to stay.

* Me

TRICK OR TREAT

mcdonalds

It is reported that McDonald’s may be secretly encouraging its customers to choose healthier food and drink options by positioning them more conveniently in menu lists and on computer screens.

You like a Big Mac? Yes you do!
And drinks packed full of sugar too!
But your choice might be undermined,
If they are difficult to find.

You scan the menu on the wall,
At first you can’t see them at all,
Then as you look you see that they,
Are in some corner tucked away.

But Mr B who’s not much time,
And likely will not read this rhyme,
Just picks the first things that he sees –
For him no further heart disease.

For sugar low and not much fat,
Are what he is now staring at,
Then in a trice and by default,
He’s also got it low in salt.

“So is it ethical?” you ask,
“To influence this modest task,
Or should they let you freely choose,
No matter early death ensues?”

On this there will be views galore,
From people who such things abhor,
To others who say it’s just part,
Of being wise and eating smart.

So next time that you want to eat,
And fancy a McDonald’s treat,
Just let the menu be your guide –
Say ‘No’ to long-term suicide!

A SQUALL IN A TEACUP

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It is reported that in order to reduce waste, Marks and Spencer cafes have stopped giving everyone a free biscuit with their tea or coffee; they are still free to anyone who asks but customers are still complaining.

It seems no matter you are bright,
It’s difficult to get it right,
For some folk are professional –
Complainers from the gates of Hell.

Our story here begins with waste,
A problem M&S then faced,
Because they gave a biscuit free,
To everybody with their tea.

Some people – quite a few I think –
Who maybe wanted just a drink,
And wanted to remain quite thin,
Would throw the biscuit in the bin.

Now waste today is not in vogue,
A wasteful person’s termed a rogue,
So M&S decided they,
Would take the biscuit right away.

This really did not go down well,
Some customers complained like hell,
Despite the fact that if they chose,
They could still ask for one of those,
And also to the point, you see,
The biscuits here would still be free.

So why complain? It’s hard to know,
But certainly it’s a bad show,
So since the biscuits are still free,
Just ask for one then drink your tea!

RECYCLING CHAOS

recycle

It is reported that food and other packaging can have up to fifty-eight recycling symbols and people are getting confused.

If you recycle as you should,
Because it does the planet good,
Then surely you would like to see,
The symbols plain as plain can be.

You likely only have three bins,
For cardboard, glass and metal tins,
So with these labels how to choose,
Which of the flaming bins to use?

The answer is just do your best,
But every item has a test,
Example: is it square or round?
Or smashes when it hits the ground?

And plastic things can be a pain,
Although all right left in the rain,
The bottles mostly are OK,
But not the dreaded plastic tray!

These plastic trays are often black,
(The colour of a refuse sack)
And though it’s hard to understand,
These plastic sacks are also banned.

So what of cardboard? Pizza trays?
They’re thick with grease to coin a phrase,
And many are just thrown away –
A hundred thousand every day.

But that’s not all, some still have food,
Which very likely will preclude,
Recycling back to some of those
Tissues on which you blow your nose.
Or maybe in the case of some,
The rolls with which you wipe your bum.

So that’s a summary concise,
Concerning what you can use twice,

And lots to think now thereupon,
So just keep calm and carry on!

NETTLED? NOT ON YOUR NELLY!

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It is reported that The Annual World Nettle Eating Championships has taken place in Dorset and has been won by Tony Jeyes who devoured 58 ft of the stinging delicacy. The ladies’ competition was won by Lindie Rogers who managed 46 ft, dipped in cider.

We know that nettles can be ate,
But most folk haven’t tried them yet,
And every year there is a test,
To see who eats these leaves the best.

In Dorset this year they all came,
To eat the weeds – all much the same,
And as they munched and munched away,
The contest went on all the day.

Now in the end the winner ate,
In feet about some fifty eight,
Whereas the ladies’ winner’s fix,
Was rather less at forty-six.

My rhyming here is not too good,
I would improve it if I could,
But I can’t yet myself to bring,
To eat the nettle with its sting.