Cream tea

It is reported that an advertisement for National Trust property Lanhydrock House in Cornwall has been criticised – no, castigated – for showing a photograph of a Cornish cream tea with the jam on top of the cream. Meanwhile, a few miles to the east, Salisbury is still coming to terms with its Russian nerve gas attack.

The Cornish cream tea as you know,
Has cream above the jam and so,
If one is made the wrong way round,
The consequence could be profound.

This differs from the place next door,
(Which has two separate bits of shore)
Where Cornish-style would be a flop,
So here the jam is on the top.

Imagine, then, should people see,
A Cornish restaurant serving tea,
With Devon-style scones on the plate,
Which they consider second-rate.

Complaints would come in fast and thick,
Some saying that it makes them sick,
And how they are so very shocked,
Their cream tea could be so up-cocked.

You might think this a bit extreme,
Complaining ’bout a bit of cream,
While Wiltshire, slightly to the east,
Would think that this would be the least,
Of its worries while it’s still wracked,
Since it with nerve gas was attacked.

But notwithstanding this, the Trust,
Perhaps not wanting to go bust,
Has said the culprit will be caught,
And then they’re thinking that he ought,
Most probably to get the sack,
Unless his brain is back on track.

You might think this is too severe,
Would in their staff instil great fear,
But we can really not accept,
That something which is so inept,
And causing such cream tea turmoil,
Be carried out on British soil!



Fat man old-40138_960_720

It is reported that more and more people are too fat (or obese, to be politically correct) and the Government wants food sellers to reduce the size of their meals to no more than 600 calories.

The Government says we’re too fat,
And nothing really wrong with that;
On groceries we overspend,
And without change will meet our end.

It’s calories that are to blame,
Or kilocal (the very same),
And as we eat we ought to stay,
Below two thousand every day.

The worst offenders? Fizzy drinks.
Or so the Government now thinks.
On this point they have not been lax,
And very soon will impose tax.

And fast food outlets are not good,
They sell more kcals than they should;
So HMG will now entreat,
Them to put less in what we eat.

So helpings now will be downsized,
Six hundred calories advised;
This ought to keep our waistlines flat,
And then we will not be so fat.

If this all works, then job well done,
Excessive waistlines on the run;
But fat folk who are less agile,
Should not try the four minute mile!


Fat Boar 5611069_0736e339

It is reported that the Fat Boar pub and restaurant in Wrexham is offering customers a 25% discount off their food bill if they leave their mobile phones at the door when they arrive.

Whenever you go out to eat,
Which may be as a special treat,
You know that in this day and age,
The mobile phone is all the rage.

Folk sit down at the table and,
With mobile phone fixed in the hand,
On this device their eyes stay glued,
Which is, of course, extremely rude.

You thought, and you should have been right,
That when you booked your meal that night,
You would engage in discourse and,
The others would all understand.

But no, there seems no chance of that,
The conversation will be flat,
With those whose entire life-skills are,
Immersed in social media.

But now, I hear, help is at hand,
For in one pub across the land,
A discount is on offer for,
Leaving your mobile at the door.

The Fat Bore, conscious of its name,
And spelt almost the very same,
Is trying to help folk converse,
At least in prose, if not in verse.

And when they do, you might just think,
That diners would have more to drink,
Because, while fingers type away,
Consumption’s subject to delay.

And more drink means that more is said,
All evening till it’s time for bed,
And if folk drink and talk till ten,
It’s likely they’ll come back again.

So, on that note, let’s give a cheer,
For restaurants like this one round here;
If we can talk and drink and eat,
Perhaps, at last, we’ll Facebook beat!

Image –  © Stephen Craven (cc-by-sa/2.0)


Hair burger_king_vs_mcdonalds_by_javithecrack

It is reported that a school in Great Yarmouth has banned a youthful hairstyle known as the McDonalds something or other which looks roughly like a Big Mac perched on top of the head. And the great KFC chicken shortage rumbles on.

If you’re in Yarmouth and at school,
Do be aware of one new rule,
Which says hamburgers must not be,
Affixed atop the head of thee.

And you must in no way attempt,
This rule to try to circumvent,
By claiming that what you’ve got there,
Is really just a head of hair.

For even if it’s frizzy locks,
And not food coming in a box,
It still is not allowed to wear,
’Cos it looks like a burger there.

So stick to old short back and sides,
For that should really be your guide,
And if you have bought your Big Mac,
Perhaps you ought to take it back.

So let your watchword be, ‘Take care!’
When you are choosing styles of hair;
It’s better not to break the rule,
Then you won’t be expelled from school.

But if you are, don’t get depressed,
McDonald’s food is not the best,
And you can always go and see,
What there is down at KFC!

Image – javithecrack / Creative commons



It is reported that Kentucky Fried Chicken has had to close most of its shops for several days as they have run out of chicken after the company changed its chicken delivery company from Bidvest to DHL and deliveries went haywire owing to ‘operational issues’ according to the new delivery company.

You might have thought, if you are wise,
That KFC’s of such a size,
That they’d know all there was to know,
About when chicken’s good to go.

Surprisingly, you’d not be right,
Because supplies are rather tight,
At most of the KFC shops,
Where you might buy your escalopes.

Folk turn up there to get their food,
And one or two have been quite rude,
When they find out to their dismay,
There isn’t any food that day.

Some get quite mad, call the police,
To ask, “When will the shortage cease?”
And when they’re told to go back home,
They tell them to send Sherlock Holmes.

That doesn’t do them any good,
They wouldn’t send him if they could,
And so they’re told in prose or rhyme,
To go away and not waste time.

But in the back, the staff despair,
’Cos they still have no chicken there,
So some of them decide to pop,
Round to the local butcher’s shop.

“Of chicken we’re in desperate need,
So we’ve come now with you to plead;
It matters not how much you’ve got,
Here’s cash and we will take the lot.”

Then birds in hand, at dead of night,
And hoping it will see them right,
They bring their bags of breast and thigh,
All ready now to coat and fry.

But what of our friends DHL,
Who must right now think this is hell?
Well, I expect they will not say,
The reason for this bad delay.

But we can speculate, perhaps,
If they had concentration lapse,
What could have happened? Let me see,
Perhaps they set the chickens free!

It matters little they can’t fly,
They would try hard so not to fry,
And then they maybe fled the scene,
Just like their friends in plasticine!



It is reported that drinking two glasses of wine and two cups of coffee a day can help you live to ninety.

There’s always lots of good advice,
To help you not with death to dice,
And it is always changing so,
You don’t know which way you should go.

First, wine is bad and then it’s good,
You shouldn’t drink it then you should,
And exercise is pretty neat,
Including jogging down the street.

And, really, you should not forget,
That being fat’s an awful bet;
And if good, healthy food you lack,
You’re all set for a heart attack.

But now a new report says you,
Can do most what you want to do,
Including drinking every day –
Both wine and coffee, by the way.

But maximum about two cups,
So you’ll have fewer downs than ups,
And exercise, a quarter hour,
Is OK but then take a shower.

This latest advice seems the best,
I hope they did a proper test,
And one can make up for arrears,
With extra wine each day, so … “Cheers!”



It is reported that Weight Watchers is to ditch ‘before and after’ photographs which emphasise the loss of weight that can be achieved on its programmes. Instead, the company says “… our members’ journeys are so much more about then than now; a journey of health with no beginning, middle or end and we want to connect with them through it because it is the relevant and modern way”. At least people knew what fat and thin actually meant.

Weight Watchers – we all know the brand –
They put you on a diet and,
You have to take it on the chin,
If you’re fat wanting to be thin.

They tell you what and not to eat,
Explain why you should never cheat,
And to encourage you some more,
Show pictures after and before.

“Just common sense,” I hear you say,
“Most people will progress that way.
We all should not our faces stuff,
When we have really had enough.”

But now correctness rears its head,
And in this day and age it’s said,
You cannot say nor yet imply,
That those with weights that may be high,
Should want to lose weight so that they,
Might be attractive in some way.

So gone are things we understand:
Not eating food, grilled, fried or canned,
And keeping off the spuds and bread,
With salads, fruit and veg instead.

So for Weight Watchers, what to do?
They still want customers like you,
And if they can’t show a result,
Promotions will be difficult.

But, having racked their brains, now they,
Have come up with some words to say,
Which will some sort of message send,
And not be likely to offend.

They say their members are en route,
Not only pies and things en croute;
There is no ending nor a start,
So if you want to look the part,
No-one can say when that might be –
You could still look like Tweedledee.
The problem is, I’ve not a clue,
What all this means and nor have you,
But I suppose we all should cheer –
It doesn’t say you can’t have beer!