SPOTTED PERSON

Spotted Dick

It is reported that waiters in the Palace of Westminster have been spotted calling a traditional English pudding Spotted Richard in place of the more usual abbreviated name.

Some people think it only right.
That we all strive to be polite,
In everything we say and do,
And that includes our word choice too.

We should be specially alert,
When we are thinking of dessert,
And we must really take great care,
When ordering this type of fare.

We all know it’s called Spotted Dick,
But best to say it rather quick,
And in a breath as low as poss,
As long as there’s no hearing loss.

The waiter, then, won’t be perturbed,
On hearing this tiny word,
Although to call it Richard might,
Just help him further in his plight.

And I’ve just one thing more to say,
As you read all this guff today;
Please do not be a lunatic,
And please still call it ‘Spotted Dick’.

Image – Chuck Coker / Flickr

ICE CREAM WARS

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It is reported that a new itinerant ice cream seller in Lyme Regis is getting the backs up of the six existing frozen dessert sellers.

Lyme Regis can be rather posh,
And those who have a lot of dosh,
Might like to take a little stroll,
And buy ice cream in cone or bowl.

Along the front six people sell,
Ice cream as far as I can tell;
These traders have a licence bought,
And getting one can be quite fraught,
With charges each one has to pay,
So they can trade from day to day.

This recent upstart, when she tried,
To get a licence was denied,
So it now seems that her intent,
Is trading sans council consent.

The other six say, “It’s unfair.
We’re getting quite close to despair,
For, since she doesn’t have to pay,
She’s taking all our trade away.

She ought, therefore, to be removed,
Because her case was not approved,
And if the council is astute,
They really ought to prosecute.”

The woman says, though, “They cannot.
I sell my ice cream when it’s hot,
But from a tricycle that moves,
And in so doing surely proves,
My stall is not a fixed abode –
It’s always moving down the road.

So the certificate I need,
According to the rules agreed,
Is one for pedlars who can sell
Provided they move on as well.

I’ve one of these from the police,
Twelve twenty-five they did me fleece,
But I had no choice but to pay,
So I can sell the pedlars’ way.

And there’s an extra because I,
As well as selling on the fly,
(Which is the peddling bit in law)
When I move as I must therefore,
To find more folk who want to eat,
I have to peddle down the street!”

IN THE SLOW LANE

Sainsburys

It is reported that Sainsbury’s is introducing slow checkout lanes to help people with dementia part with their money in a more leisurely way.

If you are getting on a bit,
It’s possible you’ll have a fit,
When you are checking out your goods,
From Brussels sprouts to cotton buds.

The scanner works at breakneck speed,
So you can from your cash be freed,
And then you have to pack your bags,
With all this stuff with barcode tags.

But now don’t fret, help is at hand,
For Sainsbury’s stores throughout the land,
Are putting in tills that are slow,
Through which we older folk can go.

It simply takes a bit more time,
But still it speaks in prose, not rhyme,
And when it’s charged you for your stuff,
It lets you stay there long enough,
To check for things that you forgot,
As long as there are not a lot.

So do remember when you shop,
That Sainsbury’s really is the top,
For people who are rather slow,
If they remember where to go!

TASTY OR WHAT?

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It is reported that trace levels of animal DNA have been found in vegan meals on sale in supermarkets.

Some people don’t eat meat at all,
From any shop or market stall,
And though they really cannot tell,
The supermarket’s banned as well.

But now somebody’s done a test,
Which showed, as you might now have guessed,
Some pig or chicken DNA,
Though not part of the meal per se,
Has now been found in ready meals,
Including some in special deals.

The lab that tested said it was,
Not able to say how much ’cos,
The quantity was very slight,
Although it had still come to light.

Some people complain, “That’s not right.
And we are getting quite uptight,
Because religious rules say that,
We cannot eat meat à la carte.

No matter in the olden day,
They hadn’t heard of DNA,
If there are traces we can’t eat,
The main course or, indeed, the sweet.

And this is not the only time,
This problem has come up in rhyme,
Because, recall, the five pound note,
Though it does not go down our throat,
Was greased with tallow from a pig,
To lubricate some thingumajig.

This meant we could not use the note,
To buy things like an overcoat,
Or even, I suppose, a meal,
Should any of us peckish feel.”

So maybe that has cleared this up,
This food they cannot eat or sup,
Dose not much matter anyway,
Because for it they cannot pay!

WHICH CREAM?

Heinz Salad Cream

It is reported that Heinz plans to change the name of Salad Cream to Sandwich Cream to better reflect how people mostly use it.

Remember several years ago,
With Salad Cream sales rather slow,
And with poor volumes in the store,
Heinz said that it would make no more.

This almost caused a riot then,
As lots of women and of men,
Who ate the product every day,
Insisted Salad Cream must day.

So Heinz relented, made lots more,
And now it’s still in every store,
But some folk said that this affront,
Was just a publicity stunt.

So now we’re in twenty eighteen,
Heinz want their much-loved Salad Cream,
To be renamed for sandwich use,
From which you likely can deduce,
The name of which they hope we’ll dream,
Is now to be Heinz Sandwich Cream.

So there we are, a brand new name,
But will it ever match the fame,
Of that we hold in high esteem,
I mean, of course, Heinz Salad Cream!

Image – Jonathanrolande.co.uk

TURN YOUR NOSE UP

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It is reported that trials have shown that wearing nose plugs to block the smell of food helps people on a diet to lose weight twice as fast as non-wearers; but they shouldn’t be worn for more than twelve hours a day.

If you like food and like it well,
It’s probably because the smell,
Is appetising and therefore,
You want to eat it more and more.

Because of this you may get fat,
And nothing very wrong with that,
But in the age that we live in,
Most people think they should stay thin.

So you should eat less food each day,
A lot less is what some might say,
And that will be less of a chore,
If you can’t smell as said before.

So enter now, I think, stage right,
A pair of nose plugs which just might,
Block out the smell which may forestall,
Consuming anything at all.

So there you have it, problem solved,
Food resolutions now resolved;
But if you do this do take care,
How long each day the plugs you wear.

For if you exceed half the day,
It can be bad or so they say,
For if the smell cannot get through,
The oxygen might get blocked too!

SEEN IN THE DARK

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It is reported that supermarket customers are stealing avocados at self-service checkouts by passing them off as carrots.

An unexpected item in,
The bagging area’s a sin,
It means that something has gone wrong,
And will be found before too long.

Now mostly it’s because the weight,
Of something which is bent or straight,
Most likely does not correspond,
With that which you might just have scanned.

But when it comes to veg and fruit,
The scanner can be less astute,
Because it cannot always tell,
Which type it is about to sell.

Unscrupulous people therefore,
About to exit from the store,
And who might not be too averse,
To shoplifting or even worse,
Can ‘mix up’ veg with types of fruit,
And add more value to their loot.

The favourite ones to choose, it seems,
Are not the beetroot or spring greens,
Or even Brussels sprouts or peas,
Although these could be hid with ease.

No, avocados are the best,
For any budget quite a test,
And so they claim it’s something red,
And weigh a carrot through instead.

The carrots are, of course, so cheap,
That one can get a tidy heap,
For just two or three pence each one,
While avocados cost a bomb.

In one shop this all came to light,
When stock checkers there got a fright,
And found of red fruit of that sort,
They’d sold far more than they had bought.

The answer to this is quite plain:
Before these thieves come back again,
The checkouts should be kitted out,
So they can tell with little doubt,
If it’s – so do please be aware –
Carrot or avocado there.

But now shops should get a move on,
Before the red veg is all are gone,
Because the cameras might still need,
Carrots to help them see at speed.