SMURFRIES

Chips

It is reported that the EU is insisting that the Belgians change their recipe for making chips so as to avoid the formation of acrylamide which is bad for health.

The Belgians always fry chips twice,
Which is what makes them extra nice,
But the EU says if thus fried,
They will contain acrylamide.

They say the temperature’s too high,
They should parboil before they fry,
And if they do their chips will be,
The safest they can ever be.

Smurflanders say, “This is all rot!
To parboil’s something we will not!
We know all this ’cos we are wise,
And don’t want any soggy fries.

The Belgian method is so good,
The chips turn out just like they should,
With centres soft and crisp outside,
They are the best you’ve ever tried.”

The EU then backs off a bit,
“We really do not want to sit,
In judgement on your Belgian fries,
Or what they ought to be in size.

But health and safety’s number one,
So when your chips are being done,
Do keep below one seven five,
So there’ll be no acrylamide.

And then you ought to be all right,
Can eat your chips both day and night,
But it’s still not quite ‘All right Jack’ –
You might still have a heart attack!”

Image – Jeremy Keith / Flickr

SHORT BACK AND CIDERS

Barbers pole

It is reported that hairdressers on Staffordshire are giving their customers free drinks contrary to licensing regulations.

You set foot in the barber’s shop,
To get thinned out a bit on top,
And then before you’ve time to blink,
The barber’s plying you with drink.

“Would Sir now like a spot of gin?
We find it brings the punters in.
Or maybe Scotch is more your taste,
Or Coke if it with rum is laced?”

But Staffs Police are not amused,
They fear the rules have been abused,
For giving alcohol away,
Even if there is nought to pay,
Is not allowed, no not at all,
If you’ve no licence on the wall.

But they say, “It’s just a mistake,
And so no action will we take,
As long as barbers do desist,
And customers don’t come out pi … drunk!”

SACRE BLEU!

SONY DSC

It is reported that McDonald’s is planning to provide cutlery in its French restaurants.

McDonald’s is a household name,
And it has risen to great fame,
By selling hamburgers and chips,
And not expecting any tips.

No tips because in every land,
You eat your burger with your hand,
And it can make a dreadful mess,
As Miliband, Ed, would confess.

But in France as a general rule,
To eat with fingers is not cool,
And McD thinks it will lose trade,
Unless there is a fork and blade.

So now across the board in France,
McDonald’s will give you the chance,
To eat there with a fork and knife,
That’s you, the kids, so too the wife.

But if you want to do beware,
’Cos of what’s on the menu there,
It’s only top-price meals apply,
And for the irons qualify.

Then when it comes don’t get upset,
Because I haven’t told you yet,
That though the knives and forks are free,
It’s likely they will plastic be!

ALCOLOLLIES

Lollipops

It is reported that alcoholic ice lollipops have suddenly become very popular and some supermarkets have been running out of supplies but the police are worried about drink drive issues as some of them are rather strong.

If you’d like something rather nice,
Then try an alcoholic ice,
They’re not for kiddywinks you see,
But grown-ups more like you and me.

This craze now sweeping through the land,
Is not so hard to understand,
Because with these if you persist,
You’ll very likely end up … drunk.

That’s more than just a state of mind,
For drunks soon find that any kind,
Of thing is really hard to do,
And talking’s pretty awkward too.

And also as we’ve learned from bars,
This does apply to driving cars,
So listen now to police advice,
And don’t drive with this kind of ice.

So when you’re shopping do take care,
If you see these things on sale there,
Don’t take too many off the shelf,
Or you might end up drunk yourself!

HOW TO PEEL A BANANA

Banana Dolphins

It is reported that bananas should be peeled starting at the non-stalk end.

Bananas come, bananas go,
But one thing that you ought to know,
When opening one is your intent,
No matter be it straight or bent,
Is from which end you ought to peel,
So to prepare it for your meal.

Now monkeys, ’cos they’re very smart,
All know at which end they should start;
It’s not the stalk end that they choose,
Instead the other one they use.

So we should take our cue from them,
No longer starting at the stem,
Then as we do prepare our treat,
Our enjoyment will be complete.

And so that we will peel this way,
You ought to know ’til Brexit day,
Procedures for this simple chore,
Will be enshrined in EU law.

GIN UP!

Gin Gordons

It is reported that the government now gets more tax from spirits than from beer.

There’s an election on this week,
And politicians often speak,
With campaigning reaching climax,
About who should pay most in tax.

But now we learn just yesterday,
That people drinking gin now pay,
More in tax than those drinking ale,
Which Tories say’s beyond the pale.

But Labour thinks it’s quite all right,
That when folk go out late at night,
The tax burden – a techie phrase –
Falls most on those with cash to pay.

They say that this makes it all fair,
For those who have most cash to spare,
Will be the ones to pay the most,
Of this unpopular impost.

But in the end the tax is paid,
On everything bar lemonade,
So once we’ve queued to buy a round,
Our sorrows can at least be drowned.

TO COOK OR NOT TO COOK?

Frying pan

It is reported that a professor of genetics at University College London is claiming that human beings could only survive for a maximum of six months if they ate no cooked food.

To cook or not, that is the Q,
And it seems to depend if you,
Want to be healthy, strong and tall,
Or maybe to be here at all.

Some people – actresses and such –
Have said it matters very much,
And therefore as a general rule,
You should always eat food that’s cool.

By ‘cool’ I mean there’s been no cook,
And neither an instruction book,
For grating up a carrot will,
Not really need all that much skill.

But now a prof says that’s enough,
You shouldn’t eat all this raw stuff;
We’ve eaten cooked so many times,
That we don’t now have the enzymes,
And though some think it’s for the best,
Raw food we simply can’t digest.

If we persist, the prof goes on,
The human race will soon be gone,
Because raw food will only give,
The average man six months to live.

So let your watchword be ‘Take care’,
With menus now up in the air,
You don’t want premature decease,
So better fry it all in grease!