NEARER MY GOD TO THEE

Pope

It is reported that Pope Francis got stuck in his personal lift when it developed a fault; after twenty-five minutes he was rescued by Vatican firemen.

A fact that’s maybe little known,
Is that the Pope is said to own,
A private lift to take him where,
He doesn’t like to use the stair.

The lift can travel down or up,
But recently the thing got stuck,
And though the Pope began to pray,
The lift would not budge either way.

He joined his hands, he prayed some more,
But still could not dislodge the door;
By now God should be on the case,
And then he saw the cheery face,
Of firemen with their hoses and,
An engine that was fully manned.

The Pontiff smiled with great relief,
He’d thought he might have come to grief,
If it set off and – just his luck –
Decided to go down not up.

For he knew what was down below,
It can get pretty hot and so,
Much better to avoid the worst,
And get the firemen in there first!

BINGO! BINGO! BINGO!

Lottery

It is reported that a money laundering man claimed that he had won the lottery one hundred and twenty-three times.

“It’s really true, I have to say,
I had a stroke of luck one day,
Not only then but other days,
My luck did not cease to amaze.

I picked my numbers, up they came,
I’d made sure they weren’t all the same,
And then with all that nice cash flow,
I thought I’d have another go.

My numbers came up once again,
I pocketed my winnings then,
As more got added to my hoard,
I started getting rather bored.

It’s like that if you win too much,
And difficult to count as such,
So if you ask me to explain.
The origin of this, my gain,
Though helping you I’d like to do,
In truth I haven’t got a clue.

So all that I can say for sure,
Is sadly I had to endure,
Some one hundred and twenty-three,
Wins to amass this loot for me.”

The judge said, “All of this is crap.
We have asked our statistics chap,
And he has told us there’s no chance,
Of winning such an a avalanche.

I’m sending you to prison where,
There is no lottery in there,
And in the next five hundred days,
You might just learn to mend your ways.

Then when at last they let you out,
You really should be in no doubt,
That winning lines have always been,
Pretty much few and far between.”

ONE NO TRUMP

Pigs

It is reported that Donald Trump has cancelled a state visit to Denmark because the Danes refuse to discuss selling Greenland to him.

You have read very recently,
In my blogs which for you are free,
That Donald Trump the USP*,
With Denmark still wants to agree,
To purchase Greenland which he says,
Would be good in all sorts of ways.

But Denmark says there is no way,
They would discuss such things today,
And anyway the island’s not,
Exactly theirs so they cannot.

Now their refusal to engage
In talks has left Trump in a rage,
And with a phrase that now endures,
He tweeted at them, “Well, up yours!

If you insult me in this way,
Know that there is a price to pay,
So that state visit next week planned,
I am afraid has just been canned.”

The minister said, “That’s too bad,
Because we Danes already had,
Arranged all things from soup to pork,
And just about to wine uncork.

We really, truly didn’t know,
That you were so thin-skinned and so,
Apart, perhaps, from hair and wigs,
You were so much like Danish pigs!”

* US President

COOL

Greenland.jpg

It is reported that President Trump wants to buy Greenland.

A strange request but then it’s Trump,
And when he speaks his people jump,
Not asking too much when or why,
Does he think Greenland’s good to buy.

One reason that might make good sense,
Is it’s strategic for defence,
Positioned right up in the North,
So owning it would mean henceforth,
Those Russian missiles would be seen,
By monitoring quite routine.

A second reason could be mines,
On which the US has designs;
There’s coal and oil, rare earths and gems,
From which this second interest stems.

But does a third attraction loom,
As earth prepares to meet its doom?

Perhaps he does think after all,
That climate change may not be small,
And action’s needed right away,
So one must do and not just say.

And so he’s hit upon a trick,
Which might work if he does it quick,
Which is this arctic island buy,
And Now I will explain just why.

He knows like you and I both know,
That Greenland’s temperatures are low,
So if it joins the USA,
He will be able then to say,
By dint of actions that he took,
Recorded here in this, my book,
The mean temp. of the USA,
Is not so high as from today,
As it was in the recent past,
And this improvement’s set to last.

So that is it, he’s played his part,
He now thinks that he is so smart;
But elsewhere on this planet earth,
There really has been quite a dearth,
Of actions that cause temps. to fall,
And in some places none at all.

So make your mind up on this stuff,
Is it so clever or just guff?
Has Trump’s above fore mentioned wheeze,
Now got one up on those Chinese?

ATOMIK VODKA

atom

It is reported that a bottle of vodka made from rye grown near the Chernobyl nuclear reactor had been produced and found to be surprisingly low in radioactivity, and it is planned to produce it commercially.

If you like vodka with a kick,
And you are none too bright but thick,
Then do please start to form a queue,
For I have just the thing for you.

It’s called ‘Atomik’ and it’s nice,
You’ll find it quickly melts the ice,
And you’ll be interested to know,
This vodka really makes you glow.

The clue is up there in the name –
In English it sounds much the same –
And it’s been made from rye and grain,
Which maybe I should now explain.

These have been grown, they’re rather high
In isotopes. And you know why?
They’ve been produced with help of grant,
Near that Chernobyl power plant.

At this point do not fret too much,
About these isotopes and such,
For it’s been shown they mostly will,
Get taken out within the still.

This is quite handy, you’ll agree,
It means that, for example, we,
Can sell it for a price quite high,
With expectation none will die.

So this is what we plan to do,
We’re sure they’ll like it just like you,
And all will find it very nice –
But do be generous with the ice!

CATCH 21

beggar

It is reported that beggars in the Swedish town of Eskilstuna must buy a permit costing £21 before they can beg for money in the streets.

In Sweden there are beggars too,
And in some towns more than a few,
And generally they’re not so pop.,
Because their begging will not stop.

The council came up with a plan,
To stop the begging if it can,
By telling beggars that they must,
A permit have to earn a crust.

A problem at this point ensues,
Because for permits they can use,
The beggars have to find the cash,
Before around the streets they dash.

And that’s a problem unless they,
Have twenty-one pounds they can pay,
In which case they don’t really need,
To beg for cash themselves to feed.

My logic here might be the pits,
But I’m at the end of my wits,
And though it may seem crap to you,
It’s just the best that I can do!

VORSPRUNG DURCH … KAPUTT

plane

It is reported that The Luftwaffe has so many of its aircraft waiting for spare parts or repairs that German pilots cannot even get any flying practice.

The Germans ought to be ashamed,
That their Air Force has just been named,
As quite incompetent for it,
Is not exactly fighting fit.

It bought some planes but they can’t fly,
And if you ask the reason why,
They’ll say they can’t go on a fahrt,
Because they’re lacking some spare part.

If they can’t fly they cannot fight,
Which some might think is quite all right,
Considering what people know,
Of things now eighty years ago.

But now in this new day and age,
When history has turned the page,
The Krauts are supposed to pull their weight,
So enemies they can berate.

But this they are not keen to do,
They do spend euros – just a few –
But when it come to their defence,
They don’t go in for much expense.

‘Vorsprung durch technik’ as they say,
But even if they think that way,
And though it’s still one of their aims,
It seems it doesn’t work for planes!