MY TROUSERS ARE STEAMING!

Dore_&_Sons_trousers_press

It is reported that a recent book, written by former aides, claims that Donald Trump has a (female) aide steam-press his suit when travelling on Air Force One while he is wearing it, and he is also said to eat a lot of junk food.

You’ve heard of Donald Trump before,
With articles writ by the score,
Describing what he does and says,
At home and when out on forays.

There is some quite important stuff,
Mixed up with lots and lots of guff,
And if I wrote of it again,
You’d say I was a complete pain.

But now, today, new things emerge,
Which I would definitely urge,
You to read and to take it in,
Though it could be fake news or spin.

The first is: there’s a choice of food,
To suit the palate of this dude;
It isn’t wide, might be inane,
Includes stuff from a pizza chain,
And burgers – that’s Big Macs, you know –
Plus KFC – we’re good to go.

He likes his biscuits, also chips,
But then he says, “No buts, no ifs,
I don’t want any opened pack,
For I’m a hypochondriac.

With opened packs you never know,
Who’s poked in dirty fingers so,
They may be full of germs and will,
As like as not just make me ill,”

But p’rhaps the oddest tale to tell,
Is, since he must look smart and swell,
He has an aide steam-press his suit,
While, in his plane, he is en route.

“So what?” I think I hear you say,
“It should be pressed most every day.
’Cos he’s a most important dude,
No matter that he can be rude.”

I quite agree but in the main,
Most people take it off again,
So that it can be pressed while flat,
And not while in it one is sat.

Let’s not dwell on the reasons why,
He does this flying through the sky,
But could it explain why he’s rude?
I don’t mean ’cos of the junk food,
But while his suit is being pressed,
It might just be, you may have guessed,
That the steam-press was set too high,
And burnt a red patch on his thigh.

We all know that he is thin-skinned,
His name suggests he might have wind,
But surely, if his leg’s in pain,
He’ll come down like a hurricane!

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FRANÇAIS ÊTRE NOMBRE UN!?

French 1

It is reported that French President Emmanuel Macron has announced in a speech in Burkina Faso that he will make French the first language of Africa and then the first language of the world. Dream on!

French presidents, you might have thought,
Have many things they really ought,
To do while they in office are,
As well as propping up the bar.

The country’s big, it must be run,
The job’s not meant to be much fun,
Especially when Brexit looms,
Creating words for Macron’s plumes.

Speaking of which, his latest ploy,
Deliberately to us annoy,
Is rubbishing the English tongue,
And say he will, before too long,
Make French the leader in its stead,
Which will help France to get ahead.

In Brexit, then, he sees his chance,
For this change might his plans enhance,
Because right after we are gone,
In the EU there’ll be no-one,
Whose formal language English is,
For talking politics and biz.

So Macron soon might make his move,
The English language to remove,
From all of Europe’s regs and rules;
But other people are not fools,
And they know it is not the case,
That French the English can displace.

For it’s so commonly in use,
With rules for grammar rather loose,
And as you can see in this verse,
The writing’s really none the worse,
For what the French would think kaput –
The words in any order put.

So Macron should take care right now,
Since he has rashly made this vow;
But, luckily, in French he spoke,
Not understood by many folk,
And though he’d think that a disgrace,
It might just help to save his face!

WHICH SIDE IS MEXICO?

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It is reported that Donald and Melania Trump have visited the Great Wall of China.

When you’re important you get shown,
Big tourist things but on your own,
And so it was with Donald, he,
The guest right now of Mr Xi.

He and his wife went to the wall,
He said, “It’s wide but should be tall.
I’m building one of these, you know,
But when the plans are good to go,
It will be very, very high,
So if a Mexican should try,
To scale it so that he can cross,
He’ll soon be finding out who’s boss!

He will stay on the other side,
Knowing full well when others tried,
To cross into the USA,
The wall each time turned them away.

But maybe, while we are all here,
You could, perhaps, give me a steer,
And tell me now, before I go,
Which side of this is Mexico?”

SACRE BLEU!

French

It is reported that some French people want to end the precedence of the masculine gender in French grammar.

In language, French, the gender male,
Is now seen as beyond the pale;
It gets undue importance when,
French people write their words with pen.

It’s been this way for many years,
Puts madames well behind monsieurs,
But inevitably today,
Some people must stand up and say,
That things that used to be OK,
No longer can be done that way.

These troublemakers, you might think,
Are just concerned with pen and ink,
And, probably, you would be right.
As they try to their language blight.

So they propose new words to use,
Despite the risk this may confuse,
For they add complication to,
What may be writ by me for you.

I’ll not seek to elaborate,
Because if I now try to state,
While sitting at my escritoire,
What all these proposed changes are,
You’ll possibly be overawed,
Or, on the other hand, just bored.

So let’s not get into a tizz,
It’s hard enough – French – as it is,
And if it is changed any more,
It might, for me, be the last straw!

So let’s continue as we were,
Refuse to these folk to defer;
We shouldn’t really get uptight,
But we are sure that we are right!

RUSSIA ROUND THREE

Trumpkin

It is reported that Donald Trump’s former campaign chairman and former business partner have been arrested for alleged offences including laundering Russian money originating in Ukraine and conspiracy against the United States, and that another associate has admitted certain offences and is cooperating with the investigation. Predictably, but inappropriately, The President says it is all rubbish and why don’t they look at crooked Hillary Clinton instead?

I’ve not expressed too many views,
While this has not been in the news,
Displaced by Brexit and now Spain,
But now it’s all come up again.

We have now seen the first arrests,
To which today’s report attests,
And one indictment is, they say –
Conspiring ’gainst the USA.

There’s laundering in there as well,
Of Russian money – they can tell –
And lots of other bits and bobs,
From quite a few suspicious jobs.

But Donald Trump is not a fan,
He tweets his complaints when he can,
But all his tweets might be just bluff,
Before it all gets really rough.

He tries to rubbish what is said,
Says it should not involve The Fed,
Which should instead now try to nail,
Clinton for her private emails.

Somewhere in this must be the truth,
Well hid beneath the spin and spoof,
And when it all comes out one day,
Someone will likely have to pay.

Who that may be we can but guess,
Somebody even might confess,
But of one thing we can be sure –
There’s still to come much more ordure!

Image – Istolethetv / Flickr

THE HORSE BEFORE THE DUSTCART

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It is reported that more than sixty French towns are using horses for pulling dustcarts and school buses as it is considered green and is helping to preserve the traditional poitevin breed of heavy horse which was facing extinction following the widespread introduction of tractors in farming – yes, even in France!

Some people think the French are quaint,
For they a lovely picture paint,
Of chateaux, villages and more,
Which people visit by the score.

With old traditions on display,
The tourists are prepared to pay,
For hotels, restaurants, wine as well,
Despite the lunchtime garlic smell.

But one tradition’s largely gone,
For, though there’s still filet mignon,
The horses used to plough the field,
Eventually have had to yield,
To modern tractors which can do,
The work and with no need for shoe.

But farmers now regret all this,
Their lovely horses they all miss;
And so they are now coming back,
But not along farm lanes and track;
No, they’ve a job that’s rather smart –
Pulling the school bus and dustcart.

So everybody’s happy now,
And though the horses do not plough,
The dustcarts are all very green,
And horses, now back on the scene,
Means that old ways are here to stay,
And tourists will not stay away.

Image – Eponimm / Wikimedia commons

CATALONIA: TAKE TWO

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It is reported that the Catalan Government has declared independence from Spain, the Spanish Government has dissolved the Catalan Government and nobody quite knows what will happen next.

The Catalans have done it now,
They’ve started an almighty row,
Declaring independence but,
The cat amongst the pigeons put.

The man in charge now fears arrest,
And Government may think that best,
But such an action might provoke,
The Catalans and unrest stoke.

For while a lot in favour are,
You’ll find in almost any bar,
Maybe more on the other side,
Who independence can’t abide.

So what to do? It isn’t clear,
For violence is what folk fear,
If people don’t obey the law,
Or start another civil war.

So, right now, cool heads should prevail,
Perhaps not throw the man in jail,
And see what happens Monday when,
He might go back to work and then,
It might be clearer what is best,
To try to minimise unrest.

This story’s got some way to run,
It’s likely not to be much fun,
But writing English and in rhyme,
I will update from time to time.

Globe-trotter / Wikimedia commons