HAZELNUT HEIST

Nutella

It is reported that thieves in Germany have stolen twenty tons of Nutella spread.

The police are looking, so it’s said,
For twenty tons of chocolate spread,
Which disappeared quite recently,
Depriving Germans of their tea.

It vanished in the dead of night,
In jars labelled full-fat or light,
And police to give them their due,
Already have their first breakthrough.

“The thieves,” they say, “are out of luck,
Because they must have had a truck,
To move such quantity as this,
And that, therefore, is our premise.

So everywhere these robbers go,
We know that they will be so slow,
And since the chase-cars that we use,
Are Mercs. and BMWs,
We can with some conviction say,
That they will never get away.

Our cars are waiting back at base,
All ready to begin the chase,
And apprehend these groceries,
Just once we know which truck it is!”

Image – S Smith / Flickr

HOLIDAY BOOM!

Guam Ritidian_Beach

It is reported that Donald Trump has told the people of Guam to expect a tourism boom because with the North Korean missile crisis everybody has now heard of them. All news is good news, eh?

“Now welcome to our island here,
You’ll not have very much to fear;
We’ve lovely beaches, golden sand,
And our defences will withstand,
Whatever that guy with bad hair,
Might lob this way from over there.

He says he’ll aim for in the sea,
But just between him, you and me,
Do please stay inland if you would,
In case his aim is not too good.

And then he has some bigger bombs,
Which could cause pretty bad maelstroms,
And though these types have all been banned,
Just one will make sure you get tanned.

The tanning happens pretty quick,
Will work for any Tom or Dick,
And after that if you still stay,
Your sunbed can be put away.

You just won’t need it any more,
’Cos if by then we are at war,
The sunbed which your tan assists,
Most likely no longer exists.

But even if there is no war,
And the bed’s there just as before,
Your tan will be extremely deep,
So folk will know it wasn’t cheap.

So do enjoy your stay with us,
And just ignore the blinking fuss,
You will need factor ninety-five,
But only if you’re still alive!”

Image – Laura Beuregard, U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service – Pacific Regions

TWITTER WARS

Guam

It is reported that North Korea has threatened to fire missiles over Japan to land in the sea near the US military bases in Guam by the middle of August and that Donald Trump has promised extreme retaliation.

Two overweight men with bad hair,
Determined to the whole world scare,
Keep making comments rather rash,
That they will each the other smash.

The young one’s done this all along,
(He lives in that place starts with ‘Pyong’)
It’s not clear why he makes his boast,
Which could end up with him as toast.

While he’s mad and perhaps insane,
I can’t see what he’s got to gain,
But threatening to attack that isle,
Is certain Donald Trump to rile.

Now Trump we know is so thin-skinned,
That he threatens that fire and wind,
Will come down on folk fat or thin,
When any person crosses him.

The misdemeanour may be slight,
But even so Trump gets uptight,
And several people have been fired,
Including ones he himself hired.

So if someone should threaten war –
A threat he hasn’t had before –
Because a war is not so nice,
You would expect he’d take advice.

But we know that is not Trump’s way,
And so he pronounced yesterday,
That fire and fury’s not enough,
So now he would get really tough;
He thought a bit and then he said,
“There would be big trouble instead.”

When asked what that meant, should folk flee?
He said, “Just wait. You’ll see. You’ll see.”
Which really means without much doubt,
He hasn’t quite yet worked it out.

So we must wait with bated breath,
To see if this fight’s to the death,
Or if his tweets show that he’s brave,
And Twitter can the planet save.

TRUMP NEWS

President-elect Donald J. Trump and Vice President-elect Mike Pence place a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery

It is reported that Donald Trump has started a ‘real news service’ to provide ‘real news’ rather than the ‘fake news’ that he accuses the established media of peddling. The newsreader is – you almost guessed it – his daughter-in-law.

The Trump, he doesn’t like the news,
He says he can’t express his views,
And that it does the facts distort,
In each and every news report.

But what he really means is that,
He now wants to avoid a spat,
’Cos with the number that he’s had,
It’s really looking pretty bad.

The Press in other countries may,
Be treated in a different way,
Be told what to or not to say,
But this is the old USA.

And in this place the Press is free,
Can dot the i and cross the t,
By which I mean that they can write,
Whatever they might think is right.

But Donald Trump, still undeterred,
Says he just thinks it is absurd,
That all the Press in his fair land,
Will not be guided by his hand.

So he’s set up a channel new,
Run by his daughter-in-law who,
Will likely each and every night,
Attempt to set the record right.

So we’re told what he did today,
How he has gone without his pay,
And good things like the what and why,
The stock market has gone so high.

The unemployment rate is low,
Which gave The Trump the time to go,
And give out medals to police,
For preventing people’s decease.

That was right as far as it went,
But didn’t give the full extent,
Of Trump’s activities and so,
When you’re watching with your cocoa,
With those things that have not been said,
You might think you have been misled.

And what is missed is quite plain for,
Trump’s tweeted on them all before,
But now most seem not to exist –
You’ll notice if you are not p*ssed!

No Russian scandal, healthcare’s good,
Chinese behaving as they should;
That Kim Jong Un’s friends with us all,
And it’s all just great with the wall.

So what are we to make of this,
As Trump seeks to the Press dismiss,
And fool folk with selective news,
Picked out according to his views?

In politics this isn’t new,
It’s what they always want to do,
But leaders seldom have such grip,
Except in a dictatorship.

YESTERDAY AGAIN!

Anthony_Scaramucci_at_SALT_Conference_2016

It is reported that after yesterday’s reported chaos in the White House, sackings are continuing, specifically the foul-mouthed Anthony Scaramucci after ten or eleven (who knows?) days as White House Communications Director, and the chaos is still ever present.

You read what I wrote yesterday,
Since then we’ve hardly moved a day,
And the foul-mouthed man from before,
Has now himself been shown the door.

It’s not clear if it’s ’cos he swore,
He probably did that before,
And anyway it is said that,
The President quite likes a spat,
Which keeps his people on their toes,
And probably exposes foes.

So when John Kelly came to be,
The Chief of Staff for Donald, he
Scaramucci no more desired,
And so the foul-mouthed one was fired.

The reason may be quite obscure,
And some are really quite unsure,
If it was for that foul-mouthed rant,
’Cos his obedience was scant,
Or ’cos by the eleventh day,
He was embroiled in such a way,
He really couldn’t give a toss,
And was more famous than his boss.

This last one was the greatest crime,
Described in prose and also rhyme,
For Donald – he’s the one in charge –
Has got an ego pretty large.

THE WHITE (MAD?) HOUSE

White House debris

It is reported yet again that the Trump White House is in complete chaos.

The White House is in such a mess,
Far far far worse than you would guess,
And it seems Trump thinks it’s OK,
To have it working in this way.

He runs the place with endless tweets,
Like music chairs with too few seats,
And if you’re criticised on line,
It might be the end of your time.

But if you’re sacked you may not know,
And it can come as quite a blow,
When you find out then from the Press,
Which will just add to your distress.

Some White House people shout and swear,
Not much diplomacy in there,
And if you do what they don’t like,
It’s likely you’ll be on your bike.

From all of this it’s very clear,
That Donald Trump has no idea,
How government’s supposed to work,
And it all makes him look a berk.

There are procedures to be used,
From which he cannot be excused,
To know what they are he should yearn,
But probably he’ll never learn.

For verses six I’ve rambled on,
About the antics of our Don;
I really don’t like to confuse,
But really all I have to use,
Is from his tweets etcetera so,
The chaos there is bound to show!

OLD BUT NOT YET SAGE?

Trump 3

It is reported that Donald Trump is seeking advice from lawyers as to whom he can grant a presidential pardon including his family and … himself.

Though Donald Trump is pretty old,
He’s really worth his weight in gold,
To satirists and those who write,
About his doings every night.

He stands accused of many things,
Including maybe Russian stings,
And usually in some despair,
He claims the whole thing isn’t fair.

But now he’s gone another step,
In his attempt at lawsuit prep,
By asking lawyers, its alleged,
If he perhaps his bets can hedge,
By pardoning some with great wealth,
Including – wait for it – himself.

This allegation is denied,
As one approach he hasn’t tried,
So we may have to wait some time,
Before it all comes out in rhyme.

If it does you’ll be first to hear,
But it does all seem pretty queer,
For if he’s guiltless as he claims,
Then why should he want in his aims,
To hold there in his hand the ace,
To pardon himself just in case.

The story has some way to run,
For him it might not be much fun,
But for the rest of us it’s swell,
For I am sure there’s more to tell.

Image – Donkey Hotey / Flickr