It is reported that a new ninety minute documentary film which praises the virtues of President Xi Jinping has been released in China; it is proving extremely popular because there are a lot of people in China and everyone has been told they must see it.

“Now listen all you Chinese folk,
You’re well aware you must not poke,
Fun at our president – that’s Xi –
And you must not remind him he,
Looks like a certain cartoon bear,
Which really does make him go spare.

To help you we have made a film,
Depicting Xi who’s at the helm,
Of China, our great nation state;
And we are certain you can’t wait,
To see it when it is released,
But worry not, you won’t be fleeced.

The tickets will, for most, be free,
So everyone this film will see,
And Mr Xi, who is so wise,
Will in your estimation rise.

Chinese achievements are not few,
And all are pretty much down to,
Our president and him alone,
Which will all in the film be shown.

He’s improved science, arts as well,
Diplomacy as one can tell;
But if such talking does not work.
He’ll let the army get to work.

But one thing of which he’s done less,
And which might cause you some distress,
Is that his writing, most the time,
Is done in prose and not in rhyme.

You might think all this matters not,
But since Xi occupies top slot,
He could really do so much worse,
Than tell you everything in verse.

So when you see the film take heart,
The President can play the part;
You’ll really like him – so you should –
And he is in the job for good!”




It is reported that Poland is to build a 770 mile long fence along its eastern border with Russia, Belarus and Ukraine to keep wild boars out as they spread African swine fever.

The Poles don’t like the Russian boar,
Of which they’re seeing more and more,
Because they have a bad disease,
Passed on to local pigs with ease.

It’s fever, African of swine,
Which I must twist to make it rhyme,
And farmers are all up in arms,
Because it does a lot of harm.

So there are plans to build a fence;
The study has been quite intense,
And with a height of six foot four,
It should keep out the Russian boar.

But boars are clever, they can dig,
At least as well as any pig;
So it must be part underground,
Or so the detailed study found.

So that’s the plan, they start it soon,
At least before the end of June,
And, though a fence, it’s not as tall,
As Donald Trump’s more famous wall.

It will be built of post and wire,
As I said: six foot four, no higher;
They’re certain to achieve their goals,
’Cos they’ve got lots of six foot poles!



It is reported that teachers in France want more TV programmes and films to be shown in English, without French dubbing or subtitles, in order to improve their pupils’ ability to speak the world’s most important language. Otherwise, they say, the little frogs will be disadvantaged throughout their lives.

Protectionists in France will say,
The language of that Mrs May,
Should be stamped out and they are mean,
Now that she is the Brexit Queen.

The purity of French, they say,
Must not be soiled in any way,
And people like this are avowed,
That English words not be allowed.

But teachers in the South of France,
Say, while their kids are good at dance,
They can’t speak in the English tongue –
A problem in the run that’s long.

There is an answer they propose:
They should no longer edit those,
TV programmes and films which are,
Scripted in English blah-de-blah.

So far reaction has been good,
With with people saying that they should,
But quite what the repost will be,
From language purists – wait and see.

They will not take this lying down,
So expect more than just a frown;
They will think this is such a cheek,
And no way for the French to speak!


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It is reported that Donald Trump plans to impose punitive tariffs of 25% on steel and 10% on aluminium imported into the United States, and the European Union has announced severe retaliation plans.

It’s been announced that Trump has plans,
For metals used in cars and cans,
To soon be taxed at higher rates,
When they reach the United States.

He says that they are under threat,
For Chinese steel producers let,
Their factories now produce too much,
Of steel for cars and cans and such.

And since this steel cannot be used,
He says that rules have been abused,
As they then tons of metal dump,
Upon the land of Donald Trump.

But Trump’s taxation plan is wide,
And will affect much more beside,
As special steels used for defence,
Are taxed which makes a bit less sense.

These taxes affect the EU,
So they’re now getting upset too,
And so henceforward from today,
They say that Trump will have to pay.

“For tax like this we will not stand,
But as well as a reprimand,
We are intending to impose,
A higher import tax on those,
Products which we’ve come to expect,
Will have the maximum effect.

We’ve thought a lot, done studies too,
On what might cause most harm to you;
And the best option from these facts,
Will be a peanut butter tax!

A tax like this is very wise,
Applies to jars of any size,
And whether smooth or with a crunch,
It will affect most any lunch.

But here in Brussels EU staff,
Think peanut butter’s pretty naff;
With Michelin starred food each day,
They never eat it anyway.”



It is reported that state censors on China’s version of Twitter have been working overtime removing tweets which are critical of President Xi’s announcement that he will be president for life. China’s Global Times says that the criticism is due to misinformation and all Chinese people are in favour of the change. The censors have also been busily removing pictures of Pooh Bear who some think bears a resemblance to the portly president.

“Now listen, all you Chinese geeks –
This is your president who speaks –
You’d better watch out what you say,
When you’re on Twitter from today.

A lot of tweets that I have seen,
Could be interpreted to mean,
That the announcement that I will,
(Unless I die or get too ill)
Be president for evermore,
Is something some of you deplore.

Well, let me say, that’s not allowed,
And so right now I am avowed,
That all such tweets will be removed,
Because it surely can be proved,
That all Chinese, of any sort,
On all things give me their support.

So censors will, as of today,
Remove things posted in this way,
And do not try their work to hack –
There’s no way you will get them back.

And there’s one more thing I have heard,
Although it really is absurd:
It seems some people think I look,
A bit like Pooh Bear in that book.

That really is so very rude,
And bordering on turpitude;
For things like this I will not stand,
So, from today, Pooh Bear is banned!”



It is reported that Donald Trump has said that teachers in US schools should be armed so that they can respond better to massacres such as the recent one in Florida.

With every massacre in school,
You’ll find that, as a general rule,
Most people are astonished and,
Then call for weapons to be banned.

It happens almost every day,
But then despite what people say,
There never has been any change,
To limit shooting to the range.

But Donald Trump now has a plan:
If it’s impossible to ban,
These guns from getting into schools,
Then he will have to change the rules.

In his new plan the teachers will,
All have a gun so they can kill,
The perpetrators of this crime,
So that is his new paradigm.

They’ll have their arms, they will be trained,
So these gunmen can be restrained;
And Trump’s prepared, without debate,
In case it all should escalate.

“A submachine gun’s where I’ll start,
Because it ought to be the part,
But if, in fact, it’s not enough,
I’ve quite a bit of other stuff.

A tank could be the next in line,
A thousand and still more are mine,
And after that I’ve other gems,
Including some ICBMs.

So teachers now will be well-armed,
So our school kids will not be harmed,
And if some guy gets in the way,
It will not be his lucky day!”



It is reported that Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of the Swedish supplier of flatpack furniture and meatballs, IKEA, has died at the age of ninety-one.

The shop name is, of course, well-known,
Less so the person on the throne,
But now this name will be no more –
No longer will he pace the floor.

’Twas Ingvar Kamprad was in charge,
As IKEA, the shop, grew large,
With furniture that’s hard to beat,
And all the meatballs you can eat.

But what when Ingvar gets to church?
His coffin could be done in birch;
Or maybe chipboard’s not too dear,
And can be faced with birch veneer.

At least he should know what to get,
And also store room etiquette,
So that with paper chit in hand,
He should the system understand.

‘A pair of sides then base and ends,
Which just a six foot length subtends;
A separate box with satin lid,
Or shiny ones for ten more quid.

And, don’t forget, handles in brass,
To add a little touch more class,
Then, finally, the bolts and plaques,
On which there’s space for kind remarks.’

We know the parts will all fit well,
And make a lovely coffin shell;
But there’s a problem, although slight,
Because the coffin, done up right,
And with the lid held by a clamp,
Is quite susceptible to damp.

So once assembled it should be,
Excluded from the guarantee,
Because when it is in the ground,
And very roughly six foot down,
If all the joints start coming slack,
We really couldn’t take it back!