THE €100 BILLION DIVORCE

Prince_Louis_and_Tessy_Antony_(29.09.06)

It is reported that Prince Louis and Princess Tessy of Luxembourg (The Grand Duchy) who are divorcing, are struggling to agree the amount of the settlement. But help is at hand …

You’ll likely not have heard of these,
But my piece here is not a tease;
Do be assured, they do exist,
And on their country’s royal list.

It was eleven years ago,
Prince Louis thought that he should go,
And tie the knot with girlfriend Tess –
She had already told him: ‘Yes’.

They had met on a firing range,
Which you may think a trifle strange,
But both were in the army then,
Fighting in the war Kosovan.

But forward to the present day:
They can’t agree what he should pay,
To settle his withdrawal from,
This matrimonial union.

What she’s proposed, he has turned down,
And with talks now close to breakdown,
While she thinks what she wants is fair,
They need some help to clear the air.

Up steps the Duchy’s old PM,*
He puts his glass down, says, “Ahem.
I am an expert in this field,
Stick to your guns and do not yield.

But first, do get the figure right,
It should be large to cause a fright,
And with your marriage in a state,
Well, billions is the going rate.

At this the others may object,
But they seem fairly circumspect,
And, in the end, believe you me,
There is no doubt they will agree.

I know all this ’cos recently,
We have a member breaking free,
From all the EU’s regs and rules;
And though we’ve told them they are fools,
They simply do not get the point,
So all noses are out of joint.

So we insist that they must pay,
A settlement on Brexit day,
And though they say that they will not,
They’ll have no choice but pay the lot.

So you should take my sound advice,
This hundred billion will be nice,
And when the money is all thine,
Do please buy me a case of wine.”

* Jean-Claude Juncker of course

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SHEEP IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING

Shaun the sheep 1

It is reported that farmers near Lyon have been parading their sheep through the city in protest at the number being killed by wolves which were re-introduced to south-eastern France in the 1990s.

The French know well how to protest,
And farmers there are quite the best;
They know just how to get their way,
On this or any other day.

So when wolves started eating sheep,
Instead of counting them to sleep,
The farmers started to get tough,
Because by now they’d had enough.

So they took over Central Square,
To consternation of the Mayor,
And filled it up with many sheep,
In rows that were a hundred deep.

The wolves, however, kept away,
Although the square was full of prey,
For though the wolves had lots of pluck,
They didn’t want to push their luck.

So they kept themselves out of sight,
Lest they should give the folk a fright,
For with the sheep and some to spare,
The wolves were all outnumbered there.

They knew that if they stayed away,
They’d live to fight another day,
And in the hills they could all keep,
Still feasting on the farmers’ sheep.

Image – Elliott Brown / Flickr

CHOP THE SHOP!

Amsterdam cheese shop

It is reported that Amsterdam has banned the opening of any more tourist shops since it believes that there are enough already and that more would degrade the cultural experience of the city.

In Amsterdam are lots of shops,
They sell all things from cheese to tops,
And now the city has decreed,
That there is no increasing need,
For windmills, tulips, cheese or clogs,
As you can learn here in my blogs.

So new shops will not be allowed,
Because the tourists can all crowd,
Into the shops already there,
And probably with some to spare.

But what of shops with lights of red?
Well, I think I have heard it said,
That there where folk shop in the buff,
Of those they’ve also got enough!

THE EYES HAVE IT

Women2drive_by_Latuff

It is reported that the King of Saudi Arabia has decreed that women shall be permitted to drive.

In Saudi women cannot drive,
Which might help them to stay alive,
But, generally, they think it’s bad,
And some of them can get quite mad.

They have petitioned many years,
But so far this has led to tears,
And though’t might be beyond the pale,
Some even found themselves in jail.

The King, though, has now changed his mind,
Says, “I can see it is a bind;
If you can’t drive a motor car,
You likely will not get too far.

So I will change the law so that,
As long as your tyres are not flat,
You may drive any car you pick,
Like any Harry, Tom or Dick.

Remember, though, you must still wear,
The veil and dress with nothing bare;
To drive, to this you must agree,
No matter that you cannot see.

There is a problem here, though slight,
For even driving on the right,
And though we have no pubs or bars,
You might just hit the other cars.

You could have quite a nasty bash,
Could suffer later from whiplash,
And other ills might you befall,
So many, I can’t list them all.

So when you’re driving do take care,
That you’ve the proper clothes to wear,
And maybe it’s not very wise,
To drive if you’ve obscured your eyes!”

 

EMBARRASSING OR WHAT?

Nuclear button

It is reported that Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un are continuing to trade personal insults, each with a finger on the button.

Two overweight men – that means fat –
Neither that much worth looking at,
Are trading insults day by day,
And these are some things that they say.

Trump calls Kim ‘Little Rocket Man’,
And warns Kim Jong-un that he can,
Eliminate him with great ease,
So not to stock up on the cheese.

At this Kim did not stay silent,
Said Mr Evil President,
And then called him in that regard,
A mentally deranged dotard.

And for the insult Trump had made,
Kim unleashed then a big tirade;
Said in return for his wisecrack,
The USA he would attack.

How this will pan out no-one knows,
They really might both come to blows,
But insults now are not the thing –
And they are so embarrassing!

SPOKE TOO SOON

US Missile Defence

It is reported that North Korea has fired a missile across Japanese air space which then crashed in the sea off the east coast of Japan.

It was just a few days ago,
I said our North Korean Joe,
Seemed to forget what he had said,
Perhaps when he had a sore head.

He said that it was his desire,
To several missiles prime and fire,
Across the sea to Guam, in fact,
Though this would the UN infract.

But it seems that I spoke too soon,
For on Tuesday, well before noon,
They shot one east across the sky,
Above Japan though none knows why.

The Japanese were rather cross,
Which caused Shinzo Abe, their boss,
To complain that it was not right,
To give his people such a fright.

And he spoke to his friend, The Trump,
To try to check he wouldn’t dump,
His friends now in their time of need,
As formerly had been agreed.

We don’t know what they had to say,
And, probably, neither do they,
For Donald Trump, twixt you and me,
Is not known for his clarity!

For now, then, we will have to wait,
For this is likely inchoate,
And there’ll be more news to be had,
With most of it most likely bad.

SLAP IT ON!

Boris Johnson 1

It is reported that the French President, Emmanuel Macron, has run up make-up bills totalling £24,000 during his first three months in office and that his predecessor, Francois Hollande, used to pay his personal barber £99,000.

The President of France, Macron,
Acts sometimes like Napoleon,
But now one habit that he brings,
Is more like that of Bourbon kings.

For I’m now able to reveal,
That make-up he’s used to conceal,
His imperfections plus advice,
Has come in at a pretty price.

In three months, it seems, he has spent,
So much it could cause discontent,
For in this time he’s spent around,
Some six and twenty thousand pound.

So Monsieur Macron must take care,
For with Bake Off back on the air,
It really would be a mistake,
To tell the peasants to eat cake!

But make-up’s not the half of it,
For President Hollande, who quit,
Paid nine and ninety thousand pound,
So that his barber would come round,
To trim his hair in case of need –
A salary that’s high indeed.

Now Macron’s hair gets trimmed as well,
But at this stage we cannot tell,
How much he pays, nor yet who to,
In fact, nobody has a clue.

But we can offer him advice:
In England where he’s been just twice,
The Brexit bill has caused dismay,
And so they can’t afford to pay,
For make-up, barbers, things like that,
And so they either wear a hat,
Or, in the case of Boris J,
Some sort of scarecrow they portray.

His hairdo really comes quite cheap,
Is good by day and while asleep,
And it shows that he’s very wise,
And willing to economise.

So if a revolution comes,
With peasants armed with swords and guns,
Boris will have no need to hide –
They’ll think he’s on the other side!

Image – Andrew Parsons / iImages / Flickr