SHHH!

GCHQ 7944915940_1a64a29bfc_b

It is reported that GCHQ now has an Instagram account.

We all know of GCHQ,
Who spend time looking after you
In secret, though, I must confess,
Perhaps it’s now just more or less.

For they’ve an Instagram new page
Which I suppose is all the rage,
And on which they tell you about,
How they keep nasty people out.

Top of the list – no prizes here,
The Russians who are quite severe,
And then the Chinese who, no doubt,
Are checking all these pages out.

So how to get the pages right:
Inform while keeping secrets tight?

Well, I think they will need a trick,
Which works with spies who are not thick,
And is quite simple to be used,
To keep our enemies confused.

For most things everyone can know,
They write in any language, though
When they want to be more tight-lipped,
There’s no Chinese or Russian script!

Image – George Rex / Flickr

HOMME ARAIGNĒE

canary-wharf-421998_960_720

It is reported that a French stuntman, Alain Robert, has been fined and banned from climbing any building in the UK after scaling Heron Tower in London without any safety gear and causing a public nuisance.

Some people do the strangest things,
Including when they should need wings,
Like climbing buildings which are high,
Not thinking the end could be nigh.

And so it was one day last week,
A Frenchman stood before the beak,
And was convicted of the crime,
Of climbing, as you learn in rhyme.

The judge proclaimed, though not in rhyme,
His luck had now run out this time,
And so the Frenchman would be banned,
From all the buildings in the land.

And also, since he had been rash,
He had to pay a fine (in cash),
As well as which, if he transgressed,
He would become a prison guest.

The Frenchmen said, “I do deplore,
That I can’t climb here any more;
I climb these buildings without fear,
But now I’ve had it up to here!

This seems to me to be a ploy,
With purpose simply to annoy,
But in that case I have to day,
We are not yet at Brexit day!

And when we are all this might change,
Put buildings once more within range,
For whether there’s a deal or no,
It should be my choice where I go.

I’ll take you to the human court,
For being such an awful sport;
I ought to win my case and then,
I will come back to climb again.”

The judge replied, “Do not be rude,
I do not like your attitude.
You really must do as I say,
At least till after Brexit day.

And if you do find after then,
That you’re allowed to climb again,
I must say I admire your pluck,
And then might even wish you luck!”

DIDN’T HE DO WELL? … OR MAYBE NOT

Jeremy Corbyn cartoon

It is reported that in the recent general election Jeremy Corbyn did really well ….. but his party came second and he got the job of Leader of the Opposition.

So Mrs May was not so wise,
And rightly do we criticise,
The way that she ran her campaign,
Which was quite dreadful in the main.

Her campaign really was the pits,
Most will agree, no buts no ifs,
And she quite managed to deplete,
The compliment of Tory seats.

But Corbyn on the other hand,
Is praised now all throughout the land,
Because he did so very well,
… Although maybe it’s hard to tell.

He bribed young people – no more fees,
The oldies wanting fuel please,
Free childcare after which he feels,
Kids all should get their free school meals.

But even with all this and more,
He really, truly failed to score,
He knew Ms May was in a spin,
But even then he couldn’t win!

THE INQUEST

#juniordoctorsstrike Jeremy Corbyn

It is reported that the general election has finished and the Conservatives fared badly.

At times like this is isn’t long,
Before it’s asked, ‘What did go wrong?’
And yesterday folk did ask that,
In just about five minutes flat.

The journalists all give their views,
Which get reported in the news,
And others also ask why they,
Have been let down by Mrs May.

The reason’s complex, I would say,
But principally Mrs May,
Judged that she was so far ahead,
That if to people she now said,
She’d not their winter fuel pay,
They wouldn’t have a place to stray.

Then secondly the PM feels,
That she should end their free school meals,
And finally if people find,
That they are going off their mind,
Then it is really only fair,
That they themselves should pay for care.

This upset folk so very much,
That Tories were kicked into touch,
And then to make things all the worse,
J Corbyn opened up his purse,
And set about to buy their vote,
With lots of things that we might note.

Free childcare – please ignore the cost –
The lock on pensions won’t be lost,
And if you go to uni-v,
Then your tuition will be free.

So ‘Vote for me,’ you heard him say,
And not for Tory Mrs May,
And we’ll be sure to guarantee,
That everything you want is free!

DIS-MAY

Downing St sign

It is reported that voting in the 2017 general election has ended.

I’m sitting here with glass in hand,
Not sure who will soon rule the land,
With Mr Corbyn, Mrs May,
Both hoping they have won today.

The exit poll seems to suggest,
That no party has passed the test,
But by around half two or three,
The outcome could quite different be.

It’s now just gone eleven o’clock,
And forecasts could be all to cock;
We wait results with open mouth:
Newcastle and Sunderland South.

These two are first to do the count,
And as they do the tensions mount,
Because the numbers that they quote,
Predict the outcome of the vote.

And here it comes: a Labour win,
They always do, no need for spin,
And the forecast based on this first:
It’s not clear who should fear the worst.

So ten results by now are in,
And parties are still in a spin,
’Cos though things are a bit improved,
The UKIP vote has been removed,
But spread between the other two,
And which just might the outcome skew.

As things continued through the night,
Results came in as it got light,
With votes lost to a large degree,
By UKIP and the SNP.

But while people went off to bed,
More of them turned not blue but red,
And by the morning it was plain,
That Labour made the biggest gain,
And Mrs May was badly stung,
With Parliament for certain hung.

So with this mess what can we do?
Somebody has to rule but who?
An answer now will take some time –
And quite a few bottles of wine!

ELECTION DAY!

Voting_in_Hackney

It is reported that there is a general election today. At last!

Hooray! Hooray!
Election Day!
May win, May lose,
It’s you who choose,
So get your coat,
Go out and vote,
And if tonight,
It comes out right,
Do not refrain,
From the Champagne.

Image – Alex Lee

GENERAL ELECTION

Polling Station

It is reported that there is a general election tomorrow.

Campaigning’s almost at an end,
After six weeks of earbend,
As politicians to a man*,
Try to recruit you as a fan.

Campaigning has been rather odd,
Each leader out there on his* tod,
And ministers kept far away,
For fear of what they might all say.

There’ve been exceptions – Abbott, Di. –
Descending sometimes from on high,
To say that we need more police,
And they’re just thirty quid apiece.

Their reasoning is fairly plain:
The Tories thought that they would gain,
With Mrs May out to the fore,
Attracting votes as not before.

And Labour who thought they’d no hope,
Just wanted to stick their chief dope,
In front of cameras on his own,
So when he had the whole thing blown,
They’d say it really was a shame,
But everyone knew who to blame.

And then of him they might get shot,
Replace him with some sort of bot,
And then they’d hope in prose or rhyme,
To have some better luck next time.

But half-way through things went awry,
When manifestoes one could buy,
And then it seemed that Mrs May,
Might possibly have had her day.

While Mr Corbyn, dear old soul,
Found that he did enjoy his rôle,
And as the days passed he could see,
A surge in popularity.

So as we reach election day,
With everything now back in play,
We’ll have to see who got it right –
We’ll find out on election night.

* or woman
* or her

Image – Secretlondon123