BREXIT TRICKS

Brexit Big Ben

It is reported that many people think it unlikely that the Brexit negotiations will be finished by the UK’s departure date in 2019 and other people are complaining about the planned silencing of Big Ben for four years while repairs are being carried out.

Brexit is always in the news,
With lots of very different views,
Including how long it will take,
Before we finally can shake,
Ourselves free of the EEC,
And its supposèd tyranny.

Some say there’s not sufficient time,
Before the year that ends in nine
Comes round and that’s when most believe,
That we should get our bags and leave.

So civil servants, always quick,
Have come up with a little trick,
To get more time before that date,
In which they can negotiate.

Their small trick is to stop the clock,
So it will no more tick and tock,
And doing this they’re hoping will,
Make folk think time is standing still.

And, luckily, they’ve an excuse,
Which isn’t really too obtuse,
For that big clock that we all know,
Is just about to undergo,
An overhaul to see it right,
With work by day but not by night.

So they’ve announced the clock will stop,
Which has caught some folk on the hop,
Because they thought the lack of ‘bong’,
Would not be lasting quite so long.

Four years is what has been decreed,
It’s said that’s what the workmen need,
To do the job the proper way,
While working only through the day.

But that may now be in some doubt,
For it has just been pointed out,
That other ways might be devised –
Far more than had been realised.

So Brexit now is in a stew,
They’re not at all sure what to do,
For if the time they cannot stop,
Then Brexit might turn out a flop!

Image – Ilovetheeu / Wikimedia commons

TON UP SHED

Shed

It is reported that Kevin Nicks, from York, has built the world’s fastest shed (99 mph) and plans to drive it from Land’s End to John O’Groats.

A shed, a wooden shed indeed,
Is something that’s not known for speed,
But up near York one has been made,
That looks impressive on parade.

It did just one less than a ton,
But on its up and coming run,
It’s hoped it will increase its speed,
And do a hundred – yes indeed!

With that achieved it will slow down,
Then visit every major town,
Between Land’s End and John O’Groats,
The latter being quite remote.

And on the way it’s raising cash –
Provided that it doesn’t crash –
For looking after people who,
Have silly things they like to do.

And I expect this does include –
Although to say so may seem rude –
Trying to the world record beat,
By driving a shed down the street.

THE LAST BONG!

big-ben-1082205_960_720

It is reported that Big Ben is to cease ringing for four years while repairs are carried out to the clock and the tower.

Next week Big Ben will get a rest,
They’re starting to repair it lest,
Continued wear and tear in town,
Might have the whole thing falling down.

It’s leaning as most people know,
The Underground runs just below,
And all the cogs and all the wheels,
Need maintenance, the Speaker feels.

As well as that the bell is cracked,
But not because the clock was hacked,
It’s simply always been that way –
For a re-casting they’d not pay.

In fact it was re-cast one time,
In order to improve the chime,
But when the big bell cracked again,
After some words, perhaps profane,
They got themselves into a tizz,
And left it so that’s how it is.

But anyway, I do digress,
Some now complain it is a mess,
That not till 2021,
Will the repairing work be done,
And therefore not until that time,
Will anyone hear Big Ben chime.

It’s feared that tourists will not come,
The whole of London they might shun,
That is they might vote with their feet,
Because Big Ben’s a real treat.

But there are lots of other things
To see, although not each one rings,
And if they all should umbrage take,
At Legoland there is a fake!

THE IRON DUKE

Duke of Edinburgh

It’s reported that the Duke of Edinburgh carried out his last official engagement yesterday … in the traditional pouring rain.

The Duke of Edinburgh at last,
Can sit and think of his days past,
Because he has now just retired –
A different thing from being fired.

For sixty-five years until now,
There’s twenty-two point two o thou,
Engagements he’s done for his pay –
That’s almost one for every day.

And through that time he’s surely been,
Supportive of HM The Queen;
He has done a fantastic job,
And very rarely dropped a blob.

But now at age of ninety-six,
By any measure or metrics,
He hasn’t skimped, he’s done his time,
And earned his place in this Bean rhyme.

But now I’ve got some more to say,
About what happened yesterday.

It rained a lot, it was quite foul,
He gave a smile but not a scowl,
As he strode out past guards arrayed,
Then stood straight as the Anthem played.

For that bit he removed his hat –
A bowler, not a Yorkshire flat –
Then after that, in pouring rain,
He put his hat back on again.

By now ’twas time to set off back,
Resplendent in his soaking mac,
While the band played for this old pro:
For he’s a jolly good fellow!

For he’s a jolly good fellow,
For he’s a jolly good fellow,
For he’s a jolly good fellow,
And so say all of us!

And so say all of us,
And so say all of us,
For he’s a jolly good fellow,
For he’s a jolly good fellow,
For he’s a jolly good fellow,
And so say all of us!

Hip, hip etcetera.

Image – Michael Gwyther-Jones / Flickr

SMELLY PAINT

paintbrush-24251_960_720

It is reported that B&Q has been selling defective Valspar paint which has a very distinctive and unfortunate odour.

When painting you expect some smell,
Solvent and other things as well,
But paint that’s smelling like a fart,
Is not quite what you want for art.

And if it also smells like wee,
Then even if the paint were free,
You might not want it on your wall,
Or even in the house at all.

Imagine then if you’ve just bought,
Some tins of paint with some forethought,
As to what colour suits the wife,
For the next five years of her life.

With said paint used you ask her in,
To see what once was in the tin,
But while she should inspect by eye,
Instead she checks the surface by,
The use of other means as well,
Especially her sense of smell.

She cries and gasps, “The odour’s foul!”
Her face displays a dreadful scowl,
And though the colour is first-rate,
The smell she cannot tolerate.

So you’re despatched back to the shop,
Which has been caught quite on the hop,
But they’ve talked to the makers who,
Have told them what you need to do.

“Just get some more paint – different sort –
And quickly after that you ought,
To cover up the faulty stuff,

For which two coats should be enough.

The smell will then be hid from view,
No need then to the makers sue,
And after two coats, not just one,
The smell should pretty much be gone.”

But customers are not so sure,
Don’t think that is a proper cure,
And some of them are now resolved,
To see the problem really solved.

What this may be we don’t yet know,
To stop it smelling like a po,
But there’ll be more that they can do,
If you go back to B&Q.

POUND AND PREJUDICE

Jane Austen

It is reported that Jane Austen’s portrait is to be on the new ten pound note and the design has been announced on the two hundredth anniversary of her death.

Roll up! Roll up! Ten pounds a time,
Jane Austen wrote in prose not rhyme,
And recently she won the vote,
To feature on the ten pound note.

The portrait chosen’s pretty good,
It flatters her as well it should,
And though not done before she died,
It really shows her better side.

There is another picture though,
Which really doesn’t try to show,
The writer Jane in the best light –
She looks as if she’s had a fright.

Some say that this one should be used,
And the artist should be excused,
’Cos she a sister was to Jane,
And little skill did she attain.

But really that makes little sense,
In present, past or future tense,
And if Jane were alive today,
On this she would have much to say.

What that might be we can but guess,
She’d be polite – well, more or less,
But on the note there with the crest,
She’d not want to be second best.

If you would like to read Pride and Prejudice re-written entirely in rhyme then click the Books by Ebenezer Bean button at the top of the Home page and then select Rhyme and Prejudice.

CASH IN HAND

Window_Cleaner_sculpture,_Chapel_Street,_Marylebone

It is reported that the Government wants to end the practice of traders being paid in cash as it leads to tax evasion.

If you get paid with cash in hand,
You probably will understand,
It can provide you with a way,
To keep the tax you ought to pay.

The Government says this is bad,
’Cos of the money that you’ve had,
It’s likely that some tax is due,
And … Yes, I’m talking now to you!

If tax is due it should be paid,
Including nanny and the maid,
And window cleaners aren’t exempt,
No matter be they straight or bent.

So do be careful each day and,
When you take payment cash in hand,
Make sure that all your tax is paid,
Or else you might get a dawn raid.

Image – Tony Hisgett / Wikimedia commons