O2 OH DEAR

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It is reported that O2’s phone and data network was out of action for a day leaving millions of people apparently unable to function.

So let’s about it make no bones,
We all rely on mobile phones,
To speak to people when they ring,
And, too, it seems all sorts of things.

They tell us when the bus is due,
The fastest way from me to you,
And if we press the buttons right,
They’ll tell us where to go tonight,
To see a film or have a meal,
And check out any special deal.

So when the network does go down,
It causes more than just a frown,
As people struggle to adjust,
To life without the phones they trust.

They’re helpless, that much is quite plain,
And it seems they can’t use their brain,
To carry on without their phone,
But many still know how to moan.

So what’s the answer? I don’t know.
Apart from playing tick-tack-toe,
But one should not think it is rude,
If ones ear at last comes unglued.

HATE CRIME, JIMMY

Ten pound note

It is reported that a Scotsman travelling in Kent called in police complaining of a hate crime when his Scottish ten pound note was not accepted at the post office.

You’d think a Scotsman wouldn’t mind,
If in a shop of any kind,
His offer to pay was refused,
So his cash would remain unused.

And so it was in County Kent,
The place our Scottish hero went,
He asked for stamps, you ought to note,
And offered them a ten pound note.

The clerk examined what it was,
And then rejected it because,
In England notes like this are not,
Accepted since they are all Scot.

The man said, although not in rhyme,
“This seems to me a bad hate crime ;
You are refusing this note and,
It’s ’cos it’s from another land.”

The clerk replied, “That isn’t true,
And I’ve no quarrel now with you;
I’ve seen these Scottish notes before –
Refusing’s not against the law.”

The Scotsman then called the police,
Who came around like lightning greased,
But once they’d been told what had passed,
They gave their verdict very fast,
Proclaiming that they could now state,
That this was not a crime of hate.

So that was it, no crime was done,
No criminals then on the run.
And our man with his ten pound note?
He’s spending it at John O’Groats!

UNHAPPY CHRISTMAS

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It is reported that companies sending out Christmas greetings by email may fall foul of the new EU General Data Protection Regulations (GDPR) which forbid the sending of unsolicited emails.

The EU’s meddling knows no bounds,
And people recently have found,
A recent law that has been passed,
Is leaving well-wishers aghast.

Now well-wishers do greetings send,
To folk that they count as their friends,
To wish them luck, good fortune too,
In everything they choose to do.

But one occasion beats them all,
You’ll find the cards on any stall,
And that is Christmas when one sends,
The Season’s Greetings to ones friends.

You can do this with paper card –
No need to write quite like The Bard –
The words can really be quite few,
In fact, just two or three will do.

But people who are more advanced,
In Britain and a few in France,
Think paper cards are rather stale,
And send them instead by email.

Some others say, “That isn’t right,
You’re doing it because you’re tight;
To just send cards now by email,
Is really quite beyond the pale.”

But back to our friend the EU,
Which rather likes to trouble brew,
And their new rule decrees the way,
Our Christmas cards are sent today.

The paper type is still all right,
Including those with verses trite,
But email ones will have to go,
Which for tight people is a blow.

The reason is a bit obscure,
To understand it? I’m not sure,
But I think, though there are some flaws,
The new data protection laws,
To which you now must have regard,
Mean you can’t send an email card.

Why have they done this? Who can say?
It’s just they legislate this way,
For they like to all things control,
Which is what they see as their role.

A lot of us would disagree,
And think that we should all be free,
To send our greetings as we choose,
And not subject to the EU’s,
Diktats which if they’re not a fad,
Are generally pretty bad.

We could, of course, try to object,
Ask if they’ll be more circumspect,
But they will likely just not care,
And wave two fingers in the air!

SHEAR IMPUDENCE

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It is reported that animal rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has declared that the Dorset village of Wool is an affront to sheep and have asked that the village be renamed Vegan Wool.

It sounds ridiculous, I know,
That somebody should have a go,
Complaining that a village name,
Should be changed so it’s not the same.

The name in question? It is Wool,
And though it’s all a load of bull,
They say the name is rather cheap,
Insulting, then, to Shaun the Sheep.

But villagers who this have heard,
Say that these folk have badly erred,
Because their facts have not been checked,
Perhaps through lack of intellect.

Despite appearances, the name,
Though as sheep’s fluffy coats the same,
Has no connection with, in fact,
A fleece which may be white or black.

In fact this short word means a well,
Back in the days when few could spel,
And since this fact has now been proved,
The Wool sign need not be removed.

But there’s a lesson in this rhyme,
For those who complain all the time:
If you want to a nuisance be,
Then first please check your history,
And if you find you are not right,
Try not to history re-write!

SCOOTER CRIME

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It is reported that police in London have reduced the incidence of scooter crime by the new technique of ramming scooters to knock the thieves off their bikes.

It seems strange in this day and age,
When Health and Safety’s all the rage,
That police might H and S rules bend,
A scooter thief to apprehend.

It is, one might say, common sense,
To try to minimise the chance,
That scooter thieves might get away,
While those pursuing have to pray,
Since they can put on quite a spurt,
That other people don’t get hurt.

So now they’ve come up with a ruse,
This situation to defuse,
For they will ram them I can say,
To stop them getting far away.

The bike goes crash, the thief falls off,
He likely drops the stolen stuff,
And while he’s sprawled out on the ground,
They cuff him ere he comes around.

And that is it, he’s led away,
He’ll be in court another day,
And this new common sense approach,
Although not quite beyond reproach,
Seems it works almost every time,
And helps stamp out this type of crime.

BAH HUMBUG

Sheep

It is reported that the Shoulder of Mutton pub in York has changed its name to the Hewarth Inn so as to attract more vegan customers … or perhaps so as not to be remembered.

Now mutton used to be quite good,
A change from cows that chew the cud,
So many pubs decided that,
They’re paint their signboards after that.

There’s quite a lot if you tot up,
All full of drinking people but,
Meat’s not exactly all the rage,
Now in this modern day and age.

For some folk can be vegans here,
Which means they’re OK drinking beer,
But when it comes to food to eat,
They stick to fruit and veg – not meat.

The landlord is aware of this,
Wants not to any custom miss,
And so he’s taken a new name;
But, really, it is such a shame,
That what he’s chosen cannot be,
Recalled by anyone but he.

The Hewarth Inn sounds rather bland,
Though it serves vegan, fresh or canned,
And you can wash it down with ale,
For there are several there on sale.

Vegans, no doubt, will think it’s good,
Will go and eat there what they should,
That is if they can still recall,
Just where the pub is after all.

PRINCE OF SALES

Prince_Charles

It is reported that the very frugal Prince of Wales has his tailors keep an offcut of material each time he buys a suit so that it can be used for repairs should the need arise.

The Prince of Wales is rather rich,
And so he doesn’t moan and bitch,
About the price he pays for suits,
Or, for that matter, shoes and boots.

The quality he buys is good,
As you’ll agree with me it should,
But still at the end of the day,
The suits he sports will wear away.

Most people then buy something new,
And if they’re feeling rash p’rhaps two,
But Charles’s suits go back so they,
Will wear again another day.

The tailors take their thread and cloth,
Which has been kept from mould and moth,
And has been stored so that a tear,
Can be subjected to repair.

Once done, the suit’s as good as new,
He’s saved the cost of one (or two),
And this might help to folk convince,
That Charles is quite a frugal Prince.

This image he likes to portray,
Sometimes if not quite every day,
And that means frugal’s rather green,
At least when Charles is on the scene.

Image – Dan Marsh / Wikimedia commons