A TRIFLE HOT

Royal Ascot

It is reported that the dress code at Royal Ascot has been relaxed so that gentlemen need not wear jackets in the current heatwave.

So Royal Ascot comes and goes,
And everybody going knows,
That etiquette requires that they,
Dress in top hats and suits of grey.

No other dress in entertained,
Though if it is or has just rained,
An umbrella which is plain,
May be held to divert the rain.

But this year of rain was there none,
In fact instead the sun just shone,
And with the hot wind and some more,
The mercury began to soar.

It rose to more than thirty-three,
At which point there was a decree,
That jackets could now be removed,
For in the past it has been proved,
That if ones temp should get too high,
It might affect the date you die.

So after this it’s my belief,
Most men would now sigh with relief,
And many would their jackets doff,
Before it is announced, ‘They’re off!’

But what of ladies? Wouldn’t they,
Like also to wear less today?
Well their dress code is not so clear,
But if some overheat they fear,
They can perhaps wear a bit less,
As long as they do not undress.

SHORT BACK AND CIDERS

Barbers pole

It is reported that hairdressers on Staffordshire are giving their customers free drinks contrary to licensing regulations.

You set foot in the barber’s shop,
To get thinned out a bit on top,
And then before you’ve time to blink,
The barber’s plying you with drink.

“Would Sir now like a spot of gin?
We find it brings the punters in.
Or maybe Scotch is more your taste,
Or Coke if it with rum is laced?”

But Staffs Police are not amused,
They fear the rules have been abused,
For giving alcohol away,
Even if there is nought to pay,
Is not allowed, no not at all,
If you’ve no licence on the wall.

But they say, “It’s just a mistake,
And so no action will we take,
As long as barbers do desist,
And customers don’t come out pi … drunk!”

CHAIRMAN OF THE BENCH

Park Bench

It is reported that a park bench belonging to Canterbury City council has been removed by contractors working for Kent County Council which denies the allegation but is investigating.

In Canterbury stands a seat,
It’s comfortable, rather neat,
At least it was ’til yesterday,
When someone took the seat away.

The City Council does allege,
That this seat just behind the hedge,
Was stolen by contractors who,
Were not entitled so to do.

They were working for Kent CC,
Replacing lights so folk could see,
But now with no bench there conjoint,
There does not seem a lot of point.

The Council has sent Kent a bill,
Declaring there is no ill-will,
But if in time they do not pay,
For the bench that they took away,
So a replacement can be bought,
Then they will find themselves in court.

But there in court a problem lies,
’Cos magistrates there, mostly wise,
Who will expect to rule on it,
Will have no bench on which to sit.

So is this now Catch 22,
Where magistrates cannot say who,
Should stand the cost of this cockup,
Unless they do it standing up?

ONE IS AMUSED

Train GWR

It is reported that the Queen has made the inaugural journey on a new type of train from Slough to Paddington exactly 175 years after her great great grandmother made the same journey in 1842 and almost as quickly.

Her Majesty’s been on the train,
A lovely outing without rain,
And the trip she embarked upon,
From Slough to London Paddington,
Was the same as her ancestor,
Victoria had made before.

That day in 1842,
When trains back then we’re pretty new,
Was said by the then Head of State,
To be ‘delightful, really great’,
And since it went at such a lick,
The journey time was ‘very quick’.

Our present Queen’s train newer is,
By one point seven five centuries,
But even though such time has passed,
If one were to ask me how fast,
The newer rain went yesterday,
I’d really, truly have to say,
The trip was faster overall,
But by six minutes, that is all.

That change seems really rather small,
Does not seem very much at all,
But while it might leave one bemused,
The first Queen might be quite amused!

Image – Hitachi Rail Europe

THIN SKINNED

Trump angry

It is reported that Donald Trump has said that he does not want his planned state visit to the UK to take place if there might be demonstrations or protests.

One small problem for Mrs May,
Now that she’s past election day,
Is how to deal with Donald Trump,
And whether she should try to bump,
The President off his planned tour –
The one she offered him before.

She’s other things now on her plate –
Brexit for one at any rate –
And she’d be better to be free,
Of still yet more controversy.

But Trump now waded in last night,
And said if anything might blight,
His state visit like an affray,
Then he would want to stay away.

Protests and demos are so bad,
That though he’d be in armour clad,
It might look bad on prime TV,
And his spin doctors do agree.

So since some protests likely will
Occur this should the visit kill;
Arrangements likely will be binned,
Because The Trump is so thin-skinned.

If this is so for Mrs May,
The problem might have gone away,
But she must carefully this spin,
So protesters don’t seem to win.

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

Keep Calm black

It is reported that a terrorist attack took place in London on London Bridge and Borough Market last night killing seven people and seriously injuring another forty-eight.

I didn’t know if I should write,
This morning after things last night,
Because today should not be one,
Where reading poems is for fun.

But poems don’t have to amuse,
So while police are seeking clues,
We can still sober poems write,
About this terrorism fight.

So first congratulate police,
For ensuring the quick decease,
Of the attackers, we know that,
They did it in eight minutes flat.

And as always the NHS,
Treated all those in great distress,
While still we all remember those,
Whose lives drew sadly to a close.

And finally I want to say,
That Thursday next is polling day,
So do make sure you vote thereon,
And just keep calm and carry on.

AND IT’S GOODNIGHT FROM HIM

Queen_and_Prince_Philip

It is reported that the Duke of Edinburgh is to retire later this year at the age of 96.

The Duke of Edinburgh you know,
Is always out and on the go,
And everywhere that he is seen,
He walks two steps behind The Queen.

For seventy years he’s done this job,
And hardly ever dropped a blob,
Except some jokes that went awry,
And made the PC zealots cry.

He’s always calm, not in a tizz,
He always tells it like it is,
And if sometimes he seems intense,
That’s probably just common sense.

But now at ninety-five or higher,
He has decided to retire,
A generation after me,
’Cos I stopped work at sixty-three.

He has so well our country served,
So stopping now is well-deserved,
He’s done more than here I can tell,
And so we wish him very well.

And finally, today a joke,
At an event where he thus spoke:
When one guest who was dressed in brown,
Said, “Sorry you are stepping down.”
The Duke replied, holding his cup,
“It’s pretty hard now standing up!”

Image – Carfax2 / Wikimedia commons