LIVE TO 125!

Old woman

It is reported that various pieces of research have concluded that human beings may … or may not… be able to live to the age of 125, exceeding the current record of 122 and a bit.

You could live, if you stay alive,
To one hundred and twenty-five;
And though this statement may seem vague,
You really must avoid the plague,
And other things that may be rife,
To have a chance of longer life.

Research now done most everywhere,
Which tries to make assessment fair,
Though contradictory at best,
Concludes you can outlive the rest,
By doing certain things which might,
Work if you don’t get in a fight.

First, gender: you should female be,
Be married and same age as he;
But otherwise, if you are male,
As well as drinking wine, not ale,
Your best key to a longer life,
Is having a much younger wife.

Then, secondly, your diet can,
Make you as fit as Desperate Dan,
But to put off the day you die,
Go easy on his favourite pie.

In fact, don’t eat cow pie at all,
’Cos helpings are so seldom small,
And if you’re rather more astute,
You’ll fill yourself with veg and fruit.

And then there’s exercise at last,
The best sort’s running rather fast,
But don’t just run from bar to bar,
And don’t get run down by a car.

Then, finally, do go to church,
Because one piece of new research,
Has found a link twixt church and age,
Though why this is is hard to gauge.

It could be God there takes a look,
Decides against you as a spook,
And since He’s angels there galore,
Consigns you to a few years more.

There are more but that’s all I’ll tell,
I hope they’ll keep you feeling well,
And help you with the daily grind,
But please do not go off your mind!

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YOU JUST CAN’T WIN!

Marks_&_Spencer_Logo

It is reported that Marks & Spencer’s decision to stop selling sugary drinks in its hospital shops has resulted in complaints from some NHS trusts, customers and dieticians who say that their choice has been reduced.

Most people do like M&S,
Which always tries to do its best,
For customers who, when not ill,
Will buy things and pay at the till.

So it’s a good idea that,
Its shoppers do not get too fat,
Or they’ll find it hard to respire,
And, on occasions, might expire.

To help prevent this, M&S,
Are selling drinks containing less,
Sugar and calories than before,
So people won’t wear out the floor.

But lots of people have complained,
And not about the weight not gained,
But rather that they have less choice,
When, really, they should all rejoice,
Because they’ll mostly be less fat,
And also might pay less in VAT.

But Marks is sticking to its guns:
“If anyone our new drinks shuns,
And wants to buy unhealthy pop,
Then they can all at Aldi shop!”

BLEEEEEEEACH!!!

Cleaner cartoon

It is reported that a study has concluded that inhaling the fumes from bleach can lead to fatal lung disease.

When doing housework, most folk reach,
For one or other type of bleach,
Because its presence on the scene,
Will make sure that the house is clean.

It will get rid of germs all right,
In morning, noon and even night,
And with a wipe, perhaps a spray,
It ought to keep them all away.

But now we learn that bleach is bad,
For despite what’s said in the ad,
Though it will help you clean with ease,
You might get fatal lung disease.

So the advice now is always,
To cover up all your airways,
So you do not breathe in the fumes,
While you are cleaning out the rooms.

This will ensure you do not die,
And now you know the reason why;
But you should really take great care,
To maintain some intake of air,
Or your precaution could backfire,
And very soon you might expire.

So maybe better not to choose,
These cleaning products you could use,
And simply clean with water, plain,
Which will not cause you any pain.

But this won’t kill a single germ,
And you might then become infirm,
Because, without the bleach to spray
The germs will have a field day.

So, all in all, what’s best to do?
Is every option bad for you?
Well, truthfully, I have to say,
It’s looking very much that way,
And even if you do forfend,
You’ll kick the bucket in the end!

FAT IS FIT!

nurse-359323_960_720

 

It is reported that statistics show that fat people are more likely to survive heart treatment and surgery than thin people.

To me it comes as a surprise,
And you might not believe your eyes,
When you read in this blog today,
Something to blow your mind away.

Because, I’m told, it has been found,
That people who are fat and round,
Survive in hospital, it’s said,
(Which means they don’t progress to dead)
Far better than those who are thin,
When they might have been taken in,
With heart problems, alas alack,
Including with a heart attack.

For some reason, so far unknown,
It seems the different muscle tone,
Of fat people who all eat grease,
Protects them from a swift decease;
Whereas the people who are thin,
Should have with them their next of kin.

But if you take this as advice,
On having p’rhaps a second slice,
Of cake or dollop of ice cream,
Well that, I think, is just a dream,
For thin folk, surely it’s the case,
Won’t need treatment in the first place!

So let your watchword be, ‘Take care,’
When you are stuffing your face there,
It better you’re alive than dead,
So don’t eat like a shovelhead!

RECHARGE YOUR BATTERIES

Battery-1623377_960_720

It is reported that a study in Denmark suggests that higher levels of lithium in water might delay the onset of dementia.

If you are anything like me,
You’ll have an awful memory,
And as we slowly older get,
Our brains, it seems, still more forget.

But scientists in Legoland,
Known, too, for pork, fresh, smoked or canned,
Have found where lithium is high,
In the local water supply,
It has helped old people stay spry,
And p’rhaps put off the day they die.

They found where water had a lot,
Less people there had lost the plot,
And so perhaps where it is low,
We should address the status-quo,
And ’cos it must be worth a try,
It should be put in the supply.

It would be very cheap to do,
Might help the many, not the few,
And though they might not win a quiz,
It should recharge their batteries!*

(* If you haven’t got it, lithium is a major component of modern batteries)

NEW BRAIN SIR?

Brain cogs 3

It is reported that scientists at Aston University in Birmingham have grown miniature human brains in the laboratory which may, in time, offer a cure for dementia.

“Excuse me, would you like to see,
Some of the human brains that we,
Have on display for you to try,
And run them over with your eye.

You’ll see we have got several types,
Plain, spotted and a few with stripes,
So if you’d like to try a few,
We’ll demonstrate what each can do.

First thing to say as you peruse,
Is that you do not have to choose,
The same as you have had before,
And in fact I would now implore,
That you choose one that works for you,
And adds a bit to your IQ.

To do this is, of course, allowed,
Will make you stand out from the crowd,
And though your IQ isn’t poor,
We all could use just that bit more.

So we’ve all sorts – this one’s Einstein –
And these ones know their beer and wine,
But the brain which will most impress,
Though pricey – we can’t sell for less –
Is one which regarding info,
Knows everything there is to know.

The name of this, you might have guessed,
For it is really quite the best,
Is Google – it’s a sort of nerd,
And it knows every single word,
That ever has been written down –
That’s adjective or verb or noun.

So this expensive brain could be,
Exactly what they want to see,
If you go to them for a job,
’Cos you’ll beat any other slob.

But Google’s plan’s to automate,
And they may say you are too late,
For when their strategy’s complete,
Most brains will then be obsolete.”

 

THANK GOODNESS FOR FAT, DRUNKEN SMOKERS!

Skull smoking

It is reported that people who are overweight or drink or smoke save the government money because the tobacco and alcohol taxes they pay plus the pensions saved owing to their shorter lives far exceed the cost of their medical treatment.

It had been thought that it was good,
To stay as healthy as we could,
And this was helped by staying thin,
Not smoking and not drinking gin.

So governments tried to persuade,
Us to drink only lemonade,
To stay thin, therefore not much Coke,
And definitely not to smoke.

But consequences then arose,
Because if we avoid all those
Bad things which might be thought a sin,
Not so much tax comes rolling in.

And then to make things even worse,
The late arrival of our hearse,
Means we will need our pension for,
Much longer than it was before.

And during this late lease of life,
Senility will be so rife,
That we will all need constant care –
More cost for someone else to bear.

This cannot work, you must agree,
The government’s no cash you see;
The situation’s not robust,
And so we’ll likely all go bust.

The answer, though, is pretty plain,
The government must yet again,
Review the advice that it gives,
Concerning how we all should live.

So they’ll say what we have to do,
Is smoke and drink and party too,
So that we all get big and fat,
And pop our clogs by fifty flat!