BAD HAIR DAY

Boris hair

It is reported that people have been asking whether it is safe to go to the hairdresser during the Coronavirus pandemic.

Some questions can seem rather bad,
As if the questioner is mad,
Or trying to get round the rules,
Believing other folk are fools.

So one such which is in the air,
Is “Is can the barber cut my hair?
And if I go and he should try,
Is it quite likely that I’ll die?”

The answer is first “No” then “Yes”,
An answer one could likely guess,
For common sense should here prevail,
And be applied now without fail.

But Government should give a lead,
For it’s important, yes indeed,
And shouldn’t be afraid to say,
You shouldn’t get it done that way.

You can’t go out to get it cut,
Because you might spread virus but,
If it is needed for your health.
You could just have a go yourself.

And this is now where Boris can,
Far better than some other man,
Show just what happens if you try,
These rules on hairdos to apply!

GOING VIRAL

toilet rolls

It is reported that people have been stockpiling food and other things in case the coronavirus makes normal life difficult.

Napoleon, who is now dead,
Is once reported to have said,
The British folk are not the tops,
But simply keepers of the shops.

Or was it English? I don’t know,
And I don’t really want to go,
And bother myself looking up,
The detail of such pointless stuff.

But he was right and that is good,
Because it means now people could,
Go to the shops (referred above),
And with a bit of elbow shove,
Buy all the stuff there on display,
By pushing others out the way.

This might be rude, some folk might cry,
But needed when you panic buy,
And anyway, I can now tell,
The French would do the same as well.

The groceries within their bags,
Might focus more on wine and fags,
But everyone from Pole to Greek,
Is well-versed in the same technique.

This is a fairly pointless rhyme,
But still it might just fill the time,
While you are waiting at the till,
Where you might have some time to kill,
Before you pay for what you’ve bought,
Which likely is more than you ought.

POO-TETRE

washing line

It is reported that one fifth of Frenchmen change their underwear twice a week … at most.

We thought we could a Frenchman tell,
Because of that strong garlic smell,
But now, it seems, we were quite wrong,
About the nature of that pong.

It’s origin, we are now told,
Is maybe not so well controlled,
And it’s now thought it might be due,
To something none of us quite knew.

For many Frenchmen do not care,
And, seemingly, they like to wear,
Their underwear for half a week,
By which time they most likely reek.

How true this is, I do not know,
To be sure one would have to go,
And smell the air around these hommes,
Detecting thus suspicious pongs!

Some might think this is an affront,
Or possibly some Brexit stunt,
But to correct there is a way –
Wear underpants for just a day!

A Frenchman’s wife might say, “Oh gosh!
Then I will have more clothes to wash.”
Yes, but you need not fear the worst,
The smell, Madame, will be dispersed.

A TEN DAY WAITING LIST (TO BUILD THE HOSPITAL)

construction workers

It is reported that the Chinese are building a new hospital with one thousand beds to deal with the coronavirus outbreak; it will take just ten days.

“I know that you’re not feeling well,
You’ve got the symptoms I can tell,
But really, we’ve no beds to spare,
And we’ve been searching everywhere.

But in your case not all is lost,
Because, and never mind the cost,
A hospital is under way,
And right now that’s all I can say.

If you’ll come back in ten days time,
The Champagne or the sparkling wine,
Will have been opened for a toast,
To Chairman Xi who will then boast,
That it was built in record time,
Perhaps by reading out a rhyme.

It will be built in just ten days,
How do we do it? We have ways.
And even if one day is missed,
It’s shorter than your waiting lists!”

MORE ROUBLES FOR THE NHS?

putin

It is reported that the leaked document on the future of the NHS publicised by Jeremy Corbyn appears to have originated from Russian hackers. Surprise,surprise!

It is established as a fact,
That if some person has been hacked,
It’s pretty likely it will be,
Down to the Russians I foresee.

The Russians generally deny,
They had their finger in the pie,
But few accept their words and why?
Because it’s likely one more lie.

The Labour Party, though, was sent,
Some papers which said the intent,
Of Boris Johnson was to sell,
The NHS and more as well,
To Trump there in the USA,
And then we would have more to pay.

J Corbyn, though, would not disclose,
Just where he had acquired those,
And he was very much resolved,
To not say Russia was involved.

But on the subject Corbyn said,
Only over his body dead,
Would such a thing occur if he,
Were PM as he’s like to be.

And one more thing (that’s furthermore),
In the NHS funding war,
He would now say despite rebukes,
That they’d receive more roubles … oops.

NO CHIPS!

chips

It is reported that the BBC canteen in London is serving just six chips with a meal; stingy or what?

For reasons which are quite obscure,
The chips are getting rather fewer,
Within the BBC canteen,
Which some folk say is rather mean.

The ration seems to be just six,
Less than some people’s daily fix,
But nonetheless, you understand,
More than the fingers on one hand.

When questioned no-one seems to know,
Why this has come about and so,
The bosses at the BBC,
Say, “Nothing here to do with me.”

The canteen staff as well aren’t sure,
Why they are serving numbers fewer,
And so some cooks could be prevailed
Upon, or at some times assailed,
To serve a few more chips that day,
And not to change what people pay.

So just for now things are OK,
More chips available each day,
But will rations return again?
We don’t know if and neither when.

CHEERS … HIC!

drinks

It is reported that Pernot Ricard , the French drinks company, has been taken to court by employees alleging that they have been pressurised into drinking on the job in order to increase sales.

Most people cannot drink at work,
Because, though it would be a perk,
It might not help with what we do,
And errors might then be less few.

So it may come as some surprise,
And you might not believe your eyes,
To find one company at least,
Would like to see drinking increased.

The firm in question’s largely French,
Which says people their thirst should quench,
By drinking spirits all the time,
Or possibly a glass of wine

Not only that but drinks are free,
And I am sure you will agree,
That people will drink rather more,
Compared to what they did before.

But employees are tired of this,
Spending the whole day on the p*ss,
And so they have now gone to court,
Which they see as a last resort,
To stop the flow of bargain booze,
Which they’re not able to refuse.

The company says this is tosh,
The allegations will not wash,
And judges will say ‘Nay’ not ‘Yup’,
At least when they have sobered up!