NEW BRAIN SIR?

Brain cogs 3

It is reported that scientists at Aston University in Birmingham have grown miniature human brains in the laboratory which may, in time, offer a cure for dementia.

“Excuse me, would you like to see,
Some of the human brains that we,
Have on display for you to try,
And run them over with your eye.

You’ll see we have got several types,
Plain, spotted and a few with stripes,
So if you’d like to try a few,
We’ll demonstrate what each can do.

First thing to say as you peruse,
Is that you do not have to choose,
The same as you have had before,
And in fact I would now implore,
That you choose one that works for you,
And adds a bit to your IQ.

To do this is, of course, allowed,
Will make you stand out from the crowd,
And though your IQ isn’t poor,
We all could use just that bit more.

So we’ve all sorts – this one’s Einstein –
And these ones know their beer and wine,
But the brain which will most impress,
Though pricey – we can’t sell for less –
Is one which regarding info,
Knows everything there is to know.

The name of this, you might have guessed,
For it is really quite the best,
Is Google – it’s a sort of nerd,
And it knows every single word,
That ever has been written down –
That’s adjective or verb or noun.

So this expensive brain could be,
Exactly what they want to see,
If you go to them for a job,
’Cos you’ll beat any other slob.

But Google’s plan’s to automate,
And they may say you are too late,
For when their strategy’s complete,
Most brains will then be obsolete.”

 

THANK GOODNESS FOR FAT, DRUNKEN SMOKERS!

Skull smoking

It is reported that people who are overweight or drink or smoke save the government money because the tobacco and alcohol taxes they pay plus the pensions saved owing to their shorter lives far exceed the cost of their medical treatment.

It had been thought that it was good,
To stay as healthy as we could,
And this was helped by staying thin,
Not smoking and not drinking gin.

So governments tried to persuade,
Us to drink only lemonade,
To stay thin, therefore not much Coke,
And definitely not to smoke.

But consequences then arose,
Because if we avoid all those
Bad things which might be thought a sin,
Not so much tax comes rolling in.

And then to make things even worse,
The late arrival of our hearse,
Means we will need our pension for,
Much longer than it was before.

And during this late lease of life,
Senility will be so rife,
That we will all need constant care –
More cost for someone else to bear.

This cannot work, you must agree,
The government’s no cash you see;
The situation’s not robust,
And so we’ll likely all go bust.

The answer, though, is pretty plain,
The government must yet again,
Review the advice that it gives,
Concerning how we all should live.

So they’ll say what we have to do,
Is smoke and drink and party too,
So that we all get big and fat,
And pop our clogs by fifty flat!

FORGET THAT!

Crossword

It is reported that Age UK says that crosswords are not the solution to dementia.

If you thought you were doing good,
By doing crosswords when you could,
I have to tell you in this rhyme,
It has all been a waste of time.

All that time reading cryptic clues,
Much of it sitting on the loos,
Could really have been better spent,
Or if not all, to some extent.

For a report from Age UK,
Concludes that things like crosswords may,
Not be as good as people thought,
When they their books of puzzles bought.

It seems the evidence is scant,
Conclusions little more than cant,
And some of it, I have to tell,
Comes from those who the puzzles sell.

Yet other games are said to train,
The memory, the mind or brain,
But also these are not much use,
And little benefit produce.

So as your mind goes what to do?
The advice is try something new,
Like learn a language, start a sport,
Or take up original thought.

And if these still have no effect,
Upon your brain or intellect,
The likely reason, we are told,
Is that you’re simply getting old!

Image – Ross Beresford / Flickr

DON’T KEEP TAKING THE TABLETS

Pills 1

It is reported that medical authorities are having second thoughts about the established advice to complete a course of antibiotics rather than stopping when you are feeling better.

If you are feeling rather ill,
It’s likely that you’ll get a pill,
Or quite a few for you to take,
To get rid of that pain or ache.

But doctors really do not know,
If they’ll be acting fast or slow,
And hence when you’ll have had enough,
And will no more be feeling rough.

Since back in Doctor Fleming’s day,
It has been thought that the best way,
To stop bugs getting too immune,
Was not to stop the pills too soon.

So the instructions always said,
So that the bugs will all be dead,
Immunity we must forestall,
So eat the lot and kill them all.

But work at Oxford, called research,
Has now shown that it might be worse,
To keep on taking all the pills,
Beyond the point of no more ills.

The reason is a bit obscure,
But after we have had our cure,
It seems that other bugs just might,
Be left and spoiling for a fight.

So disagreement now persists,
As each of these two sides insists,
That its advice is quite the best,
To stop you being laid to rest.

But now a warning if I may,
Should you find you are ill today,
Although this poem is quite nice,
It does not constitute advice.

So if you’ve pills, a lot or few,
Do what the doctor tells you to,
So you can then blame him not I,
In the event that you should die!

Image – e-Magine Art / Flickr

YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY …

 

coffee-777612_960_720

It is reported that research has shown that drinking one cup of coffee can prolong your life by nine minutes if you are a man and by three minutes if you are a woman. However, if it induces poor sleep it may trigger the onset of Alzheimer’s disease so take your pick.

Research has shown that coffee can,
Prolong your life if you’re a man,
And also if you’re female too,
Though in that case it’s tough to do.

Just one cup – black, white or latte –
Will cause the Reaper to delay,
His unwelcome arrival time,
By minutes which will total nine.

But if you’re female – not so good.
For you a cup of coffee should,
Increase you life by minutes three,
Which does seem quite unfair to me.

But I’m afraid that’s how it is,
Short change for Miss, Ms or Mrs,
And if it leaves you feeling glum,
Perhaps the worst it yet to come.

For adding to our daily woes,
Some further research also shows,
That Alzheimer’s can be brought on,
Affecting the encephalon,
By lack of sleep when we’re in bed,
And that’s it then until we’re dead.

Now you will know just as do I,
Coffee does not induce shuteye;
It tends to keep us all awake,
And now we know a lot’s at stake.

So pay your money, take your pick,
Live longer or risk getting sick,
Or maybe you can get it right,
By drinking it but not at night!

NITS!

IMG_9488

It is reported that children are getting headlice as a result of crowding together to share pictures on their smartphones.

If you’ve a smartphone do beware,
About how you with your friends share,
Your pictures and so too your text,
Or else you’ll likely all be vexed.

You may not know what that word means,
Unless you’re older than your teens,
But basically it means annoyed,
And very nearly paranoid.

Head lice were a thing of the past,
Of them we thought we seen the last,
But as you gather round your phone,
The situation can be prone,
To help these lice jump head to head,
Which is annoying as I’ve said.

To solve the problem there’s an app,
Designed to cut through all the crap,
So if you’re wishing to converse,
As I’m explaining now in verse,
You really shouldn’t touch your head,
But ring the person up instead.

This way the lice just cannot spread,
And nobody will end up dead,
But I think if too long you take,
You might end up with earache.

Image – Image – Rick&Brenda Beerhorst / Flickr

CHOCAHOLICS

chocolate

It is reported that new research has found that eating chocolate regularly reduces heart fluttering.

If you like chocolate like most do,
Then I have some good news for you,
For recent research has now found,
If you should eat just half a pound,
Of chocolate each and every week,
Then you’ll be on a winning streak.

It stops the flutter of he heart,
Achieving which is rather smart,
For even if you’ve got a wife,
It’s likely to prolong your life.

It works for women just as well,
But one thing that I ought to tell,
Is they don’t need to eat so much,
Which you would think is good as such.

But women now all shout, “Unfair!
We can eat more with some to spare,
So alter your conclusions pray,
Then we can eat it every day!”