HEAVY LIFT

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It is reported that fire brigades are increasingly being called out to move obese people in their homes using heavy lifting gear as they are too big and heavy to move under their own steam.

If you are fat, folk used to say,
It doesn’t matter anyway,
But now most people’s views have changed –
Your weight should stay within a range.

A proper weight’s not just a fad,
For those in question fat is bad,
Because it really puts a strain,
On heart and possibly the brain.

Their body simply gets too big,
There’s no chance they can dance a jig,
And so the firemen get called in,
To take these people for a spin.

But firemen say, “Now just a mo.
We are supposed to fires to go.
Not moving folk who are obese,
Because they contain too much grease.

If we spend time engaged in this,
Then fires and suchlike we will miss,
Which means that fires that start at home,
Will get no water, neither foam.

So fat folk who, as I have said,
Need help in getting out of bed,
Should get help elsewhere in the main –
Perhaps a hoist or mobile crane!”

SIZE + + +

Fat model

It is reported that to avoid the stigmatism overweight people may feel about the size of their bodies, clothes retailers are increasingly displaying plus sized models and clothing but this is having the unfortunate effect of leading fat people to think that they are a healthy weight and so have no need to diet.

If you are fat it isn’t good,
And you know that you really should,
Go on a diet, try to slim,
And see if you can end up trim.

Thin people do have more to choose,
When in the shop to clothes peruse,
And this increased choice means they can,
Find clothes that will attract a man.

(Some readers will say this is cant,
And really just a sexist rant,
And so, although I don’t agree,
I’ll write the verse again for free.)

Thin people do have more to choose,
When in the shop to clothes peruse,
And this increased choice means they should,
Quite easily find something good.

But now some shops which I won’t name,
Have more clothes for the larger frame,
So everyone from waif to fat,
Will find lots to be looking at.

But now folk with the fatter form,
Will start to think they are the norm,
And that their body, gay or straight,
Is pretty much the perfect weight.

So dieting is in the bin,
Although they’re very far from slim,
And as they choose clothes for their backs,
We can expect more heart attacks.

Embarrassment, then, has been swapped,
For less time till their clogs are popped,
So being fat might be OK,
But there could be a price to pay.

WAIT THERE!

Heaven

It is reported that religious people live almost four years longer than others; owing to cost saving in Heaven perhaps.

You turn up at the Pearly Gates,
Expecting there won’t be long waits,
Before St Peter lets you in –
That’s after he has checked for sin.

But he explains as best he can,
That every woman, every man,
Who’s not already met their fate,
Will have about four years to wait.

The reason, he explains, is cost,
And everyone who is not lost
To Lucifer will be a drain,
And his accounts will feel the strain.

To solve the problem there’s a plan,
That every woman, trans or man,
Will have to live four years or more,
Before admission through death’s door,
And then for residence apply,
In Heaven which is in the sky.

And that’s the best that God can do,
It isn’t perfect, that is true;
The situation’s pretty stark,
With earth used as a buffer park.

And Peter then explains again,
That people wanting to complain,
And keen to leave the human race,
Can sod off to the other place.

There is no waiting list down there,
They always have some places spare,
But mostly folk prefer to wait,
For their slot to incinerate.

IN THE SLOW LANE

Sainsburys

It is reported that Sainsbury’s is introducing slow checkout lanes to help people with dementia part with their money in a more leisurely way.

If you are getting on a bit,
It’s possible you’ll have a fit,
When you are checking out your goods,
From Brussels sprouts to cotton buds.

The scanner works at breakneck speed,
So you can from your cash be freed,
And then you have to pack your bags,
With all this stuff with barcode tags.

But now don’t fret, help is at hand,
For Sainsbury’s stores throughout the land,
Are putting in tills that are slow,
Through which we older folk can go.

It simply takes a bit more time,
But still it speaks in prose, not rhyme,
And when it’s charged you for your stuff,
It lets you stay there long enough,
To check for things that you forgot,
As long as there are not a lot.

So do remember when you shop,
That Sainsbury’s really is the top,
For people who are rather slow,
If they remember where to go!

TURN YOUR NOSE UP

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It is reported that trials have shown that wearing nose plugs to block the smell of food helps people on a diet to lose weight twice as fast as non-wearers; but they shouldn’t be worn for more than twelve hours a day.

If you like food and like it well,
It’s probably because the smell,
Is appetising and therefore,
You want to eat it more and more.

Because of this you may get fat,
And nothing very wrong with that,
But in the age that we live in,
Most people think they should stay thin.

So you should eat less food each day,
A lot less is what some might say,
And that will be less of a chore,
If you can’t smell as said before.

So enter now, I think, stage right,
A pair of nose plugs which just might,
Block out the smell which may forestall,
Consuming anything at all.

So there you have it, problem solved,
Food resolutions now resolved;
But if you do this do take care,
How long each day the plugs you wear.

For if you exceed half the day,
It can be bad or so they say,
For if the smell cannot get through,
The oxygen might get blocked too!

FAT PANTS

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It is reported that New Look is being criticised for charging fat people higher prices for larger sized garments.

If you are fat then do beware,
When shopping for new clothes to wear,
For in New Look if you are wide,
They’ll charge the price and more beside.

For bigger clothes need much more cloth,
A bigger feast for mould and moth,
And since the cloth costs more in pounds,
They have to charge more in the round.

Fat people say this is unfair,
That just ’cos they displace more air,
They shouldn’t have to pay more than,
Another woman or a man.

But New Look says, “It’s not unfair,
And on this we should clear the air;
The extra charge is justified,
For people with a big backside.

More cloth is used to make the dress,
So should they pay more? We say yes.
But in addition they should learn,
That all that food for which they yearn,
Just does not do them any good,
As they eat far more than they should.

So putting up the price of clothes,
Is likely to encourage those,
To whom we have above referred,
And who in their food choice have erred,
To make sure that they can pay less,
By fitting in a smaller dress.

The nation’s health will thus improve,
As these people their fat remove,
And all because for trousers they,
Do not want to the extra pay.”

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE … OR NOT

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It is reported that the NHS is considering lowering the definition of high blood pressure so that more people can get medication; but it is feared that those who are newly diagnosed may then suffer from anxiety, leading to higher blood pressure and heart attacks.

Blood pressure is one of those ills,
That is controlled by taking pills,
And pills for this are fairly cheap,
They keep you safe and help you sleep.

So it might seem to make good sense,
In present, past or future tense,
To lower what is meant by high,
Then more get pills and fewer die.

But it’s been found these patients new,
Are getting into quite a stew,
For when they’re told their BP’s high,
They start to worry they might die.

Blood pressure then goes up some more,
To higher than it was before,
And if it doesn’t soon fall back,
Well, they might have a heart attack.

So, overall, they might be worse,
A few steps closer to the hearse,
So if you are not feeling strange,
Best not reduce the danger range.