BLAME BREXIT (WHAT ELSE)

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It is reported that German Chancellor Angela Merkel has suffered a third bout of shaking while standing in public within a month. She continues to insist that everything is OK although she admits to not knowing what is not wrong with her.

“I see you’ve noticed that I shake,
When standing if too long they take
To play the music, make the speech,
And if my lectern’s out of reach.

Some people think I must be ill,
And therefore ought to take a pill,
But in response I have to say,
It wouldn’t do much anyway.

That’s ’cos I don’t know what it is,
That sends me thus into a tizz,
And so, unlike an earache,
I wouldn’t know which pill to take.

So I just plan to soldier on,
Two years till 2021,
But after that we’ll have to see –
The chancellor will not be me.

But until then do not concern
Yourselves if I should have a turn,
It might not even be the same,
But we can simply Brexit blame.”

LEAKS OR LEEKS

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It is reported that the Royal Navy’s new aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth has sprung a leak; it might be wise to check that her sister ship HMS Prince of Wales is leek free.

The new QE has sprung a leak,
She’s flooding slowly as I speak,
But very slowly, so I think,
That it’s unlikely she will sink.

She’s on her way back into port,
Where engineers then will sort
Out what the problem seems to be,
So she can sail back out to sea.

Some info, though, has been revealed:
A pipe that once was well concealed,
Has burst and filled the galley up,
So sailors now can’t eat or sup.

But the QE is not alone,
Because the next one on the Throne,
Has a ship too that bears his name,
And which is pretty much the same.

And so the Navy must make sure,
That now they have just one ship fewer,
The other one can sail and fight,
Which means she must be watertight.

So check the galley for a leek,
So she will not be up the creek,
But given this ship’s name I’d say.
They ought to do this right away.

HUAWEI NO SPY

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It is reported that the Chinese Ambassador has promised that Huawei will not share information with the Chinese Government if it is supplying 5G telecoms equipment to the UK, despite the fact that Chinese law requires them to store the information on servers in China and to provide it to the Government if asked to do so.

There is a programme I have seen,
Upon the television screen,
Where people talk and answer Qs,
So their opponents to confuse.

It’s name is WILTY in shorthand,
And can be seen throughout the land,
Including, so it seems to me,
Inside the Chinese embassy.

But sometimes this can go too far,
Like recently on Andrew Marr,
When head of said establishment,
Said it was his avowed intent,
That if Huawei 5G supply,
They really, truly wouldn’t spy.

Over to you, now truth or lie?
To form a view you have to try,
And if you guess and get it right,
You might just win the game tonight.

But even so, not there discussed,
Was if the system was robust,
’Gainst hackers who have bad intent,
Or by the Chinese Government.

For if it could, in either way,
5G could be shut down one day,
And if done by the Chinese State,
Preventing it would be too late.

(UN)DIPLOMATIC MEMOS

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It is reported that (un)diplomatic memos from the UK’s ambassador in Washington which were critical of the Trump administration, describing it as ‘inept’ and ‘incompetent’ have been leaked to the press to the annoyance of all concerned.

“Hello! Hello! I’m Mrs May,
And still PM as of today,
So though I’m not much in the news,
I do have things to do … and views.

So while those two fight for my job –
The smartypants and unkempt slob –
I do still come to work each day,
And deal with what is in my tray.

So let me see, now what is this?
It says that I should now dismiss,
Our man across the pond who writes,
The sort of things that can start fights.

Now his job’s to report to me,
About the States quite honestly,
So what’s he writ? Let’s see … My God!
He has made for our backs a rod!

‘Incompetent’, ‘inept’ as well,
Trump will not like this I can tell,
And though they have been said before,
He still won’t want them said once more.

The President, as we all know,
Is so thin-skinned he’s sure to go
On Twitter where you’ll find him lots,
And where he thinks he calls the shots.

And it should come as no surprise,
To learn he likes to criticise,
All sorts of people every day,
But anyone who dares to say,
That he is anything but smart,
Will straightaway be deemed a fart.

So let me see … uin his reply,
He’s picked on me, that’s rather sly,
And he says – I s’pose you can guess –
That Brexit is an awful mess.

With this, of course, I don’t agree,
The facts are there for all to see,
But my skin’s thick as you all know,
So I don’t plan to have a go.

If at this point we let it rest,
I think that would be for the best,
And since he now says I’m the pits,
Perhaps we should just call it quits!”

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

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It is reported that Jeremy Hunt, the rival candidate to Boris Johnson for the Conservative Party leadership, is in favour of repealing the ban on hunting with hounds. … Jeremy who? … No really, that’s taking it too far!

Our Jeremy does try to please,
He changes tack with greatest ease,
And never ceases – yes, you guessed,
To make out that he is the best.

As businessman he knows the ropes,
The NHS he helped to cope,
And now his wife who is Chinese,
Will find her role is just a breeze.

But now he’s gone beyond the top,
His claims, it seems, will never stop,
Because he has now found his name,
Might also help him just the same.

Now hunting with dogs, you’ll recall,
Was banned so now there’s none at all,
So Mr Hunt – please note the name –
Decided that he would proclaim
He’d bring it back and not pro-tem,
If he would be the next PM.

But this subject is rather tense,
With feelings that can be immense,
And since so many think it’s cruel,
They now think that the man’s a fool.

So do watch out these next few days,
As he, no doubt, looks for some ways,
To change what he has said and writ,
Or else for him that might be it!

BONKERS BANKERS

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It is reported that Christine Lagarde, who was convicted of negligence for her part in a financial scandal while French finance minister (but then let off because she was famous and had been head of the International Monetary Fund since her (also French) predecessor was arrested) is being proposed as the next head of the European Central Bank.

The ECB needs a new boss,
And though I don’t much give a toss,
It does seem strange they might appoint,
Ms C Lagarde to head the joint.

So far so good but do recall,
In former times she had a fall
From grace while minister in France,
In charge, I think, of their finance.

The case then ended up in court;
She’d not been doing what she ought,
And after arguments quite tense,
She then went down for negligence.

I say ‘went down’ which means to jail.
But this case was beyond the pale,
For as she was well-known, you know,
The French court simply let her go.

So very soon we’ll likely find,
As long as MEPs don’t mind,
This careless personality,
Is in charge of the ECB.

For euro this not augurs well,
It might go badly, who can tell?
But we must trust for good or ill,
French fingers stay out of the till.

Image – MEDEF / Wikimedia Commons

FAT TAX

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It is reported that Boris Johnson is planning to scrap the ‘nanny state’ taxes on sugary, salty and fatty foods if he becomes Prime Minister as they discriminate unfairly against poorer people. Sadly, the tax on alcohol is likely to stay.

We all know Boris, he is fat,
But still his hair’s worth looking at,
And so it’s likely that he eats,
More than a normal share of treats.

Today that means food full of fat,
Like Macs and fries but more than that,
It also includes sugar, salt,
And other things that cause a fault.

The fault, of course, is folk get fat,
Have heart attacks and things like that,
And governments now think that they,
Through taxing us can change the way,
We do our shopping, cook our food,
Example: is it grilled or stewed?

So tax was formerly brought in,
Applied to every bottle, tin,
And I suppose I must confess,
It has not been without success.

But Boris knows a thing or two,
About how to appeal to you,
And one approach he thinks is great,
Is to decry the nanny state.

And worse than that he says he’s found,
That poorer people in the round,
Are those where this tax burden’s falling,
Which you’ll agree is quite appalling.

So as PM he’ll scrap the tax,
Will drop the price of Pepsi Max,
And leave the people to decide,
If Mars Bars should be grilled or fried!