HOLIDAY BOOM!

Guam Ritidian_Beach

It is reported that Donald Trump has told the people of Guam to expect a tourism boom because with the North Korean missile crisis everybody has now heard of them. All news is good news, eh?

“Now welcome to our island here,
You’ll not have very much to fear;
We’ve lovely beaches, golden sand,
And our defences will withstand,
Whatever that guy with bad hair,
Might lob this way from over there.

He says he’ll aim for in the sea,
But just between him, you and me,
Do please stay inland if you would,
In case his aim is not too good.

And then he has some bigger bombs,
Which could cause pretty bad maelstroms,
And though these types have all been banned,
Just one will make sure you get tanned.

The tanning happens pretty quick,
Will work for any Tom or Dick,
And after that if you still stay,
Your sunbed can be put away.

You just won’t need it any more,
’Cos if by then we are at war,
The sunbed which your tan assists,
Most likely no longer exists.

But even if there is no war,
And the bed’s there just as before,
Your tan will be extremely deep,
So folk will know it wasn’t cheap.

So do enjoy your stay with us,
And just ignore the blinking fuss,
You will need factor ninety-five,
But only if you’re still alive!”

Image – Laura Beuregard, U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service – Pacific Regions

TRUMP NEWS

President-elect Donald J. Trump and Vice President-elect Mike Pence place a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery

It is reported that Donald Trump has started a ‘real news service’ to provide ‘real news’ rather than the ‘fake news’ that he accuses the established media of peddling. The newsreader is – you almost guessed it – his daughter-in-law.

The Trump, he doesn’t like the news,
He says he can’t express his views,
And that it does the facts distort,
In each and every news report.

But what he really means is that,
He now wants to avoid a spat,
’Cos with the number that he’s had,
It’s really looking pretty bad.

The Press in other countries may,
Be treated in a different way,
Be told what to or not to say,
But this is the old USA.

And in this place the Press is free,
Can dot the i and cross the t,
By which I mean that they can write,
Whatever they might think is right.

But Donald Trump, still undeterred,
Says he just thinks it is absurd,
That all the Press in his fair land,
Will not be guided by his hand.

So he’s set up a channel new,
Run by his daughter-in-law who,
Will likely each and every night,
Attempt to set the record right.

So we’re told what he did today,
How he has gone without his pay,
And good things like the what and why,
The stock market has gone so high.

The unemployment rate is low,
Which gave The Trump the time to go,
And give out medals to police,
For preventing people’s decease.

That was right as far as it went,
But didn’t give the full extent,
Of Trump’s activities and so,
When you’re watching with your cocoa,
With those things that have not been said,
You might think you have been misled.

And what is missed is quite plain for,
Trump’s tweeted on them all before,
But now most seem not to exist –
You’ll notice if you are not p*ssed!

No Russian scandal, healthcare’s good,
Chinese behaving as they should;
That Kim Jong Un’s friends with us all,
And it’s all just great with the wall.

So what are we to make of this,
As Trump seeks to the Press dismiss,
And fool folk with selective news,
Picked out according to his views?

In politics this isn’t new,
It’s what they always want to do,
But leaders seldom have such grip,
Except in a dictatorship.

YESTERDAY AGAIN!

Anthony_Scaramucci_at_SALT_Conference_2016

It is reported that after yesterday’s reported chaos in the White House, sackings are continuing, specifically the foul-mouthed Anthony Scaramucci after ten or eleven (who knows?) days as White House Communications Director, and the chaos is still ever present.

You read what I wrote yesterday,
Since then we’ve hardly moved a day,
And the foul-mouthed man from before,
Has now himself been shown the door.

It’s not clear if it’s ’cos he swore,
He probably did that before,
And anyway it is said that,
The President quite likes a spat,
Which keeps his people on their toes,
And probably exposes foes.

So when John Kelly came to be,
The Chief of Staff for Donald, he
Scaramucci no more desired,
And so the foul-mouthed one was fired.

The reason may be quite obscure,
And some are really quite unsure,
If it was for that foul-mouthed rant,
’Cos his obedience was scant,
Or ’cos by the eleventh day,
He was embroiled in such a way,
He really couldn’t give a toss,
And was more famous than his boss.

This last one was the greatest crime,
Described in prose and also rhyme,
For Donald – he’s the one in charge –
Has got an ego pretty large.

THE WHITE (MAD?) HOUSE

White House debris

It is reported yet again that the Trump White House is in complete chaos.

The White House is in such a mess,
Far far far worse than you would guess,
And it seems Trump thinks it’s OK,
To have it working in this way.

He runs the place with endless tweets,
Like music chairs with too few seats,
And if you’re criticised on line,
It might be the end of your time.

But if you’re sacked you may not know,
And it can come as quite a blow,
When you find out then from the Press,
Which will just add to your distress.

Some White House people shout and swear,
Not much diplomacy in there,
And if you do what they don’t like,
It’s likely you’ll be on your bike.

From all of this it’s very clear,
That Donald Trump has no idea,
How government’s supposed to work,
And it all makes him look a berk.

There are procedures to be used,
From which he cannot be excused,
To know what they are he should yearn,
But probably he’ll never learn.

For verses six I’ve rambled on,
About the antics of our Don;
I really don’t like to confuse,
But really all I have to use,
Is from his tweets etcetera so,
The chaos there is bound to show!

A BIG CHEESE

Cheese grana padano

It is reported that the Grana Padano Cheesemakers Consortium sent a gift of a forty pound wheel of cheese to our Prime Minister during her holiday in Italy but it’s delivery to her hotel was delayed as it was thought to be a suspicious package that might contain a bomb.

You might have heard that Mrs May,
Is on her summer holiday,
And this week which is first of three,
She’s spending time in Italy.

The makers of the local cheese,
Thought Mrs May they’d like to please,
By sending her a little gift,
A wheel of cheese – you get my drift?

The cheese arrived, it weighed a lot,
The police said it might be a plot,
So it went in another room,
In case the whole thing should go ‘Boom!’

The cheesemen said, “It is all right.
We’re sorry it gave you a fright.
For all your problems we all feel,
And that’s why we gave you this wheel.

In the EU wheel you’re a cog,
About the same as Kraut or Frog,
But after Brexit, Mrs May,
Your wheel’s then smaller than today.

So we thought that it might assist,
You or perhaps your publicist,
If after Brexit you could claim,
That life would go on much the same.

For this to be so folk must think,
Negotiators will not blink,
And the wheel in which you’re a cog,
Is big and not the underdog.

So having this enormous cheese,
Will help convince them all with ease,
That they should not get too uptight,
For everything will be all right.

And be assured the cheese is fine,
Will go down well with port or wine,
We checked it three times we confess,
So that it would not cause distress.”

OLD BUT NOT YET SAGE?

Trump 3

It is reported that Donald Trump is seeking advice from lawyers as to whom he can grant a presidential pardon including his family and … himself.

Though Donald Trump is pretty old,
He’s really worth his weight in gold,
To satirists and those who write,
About his doings every night.

He stands accused of many things,
Including maybe Russian stings,
And usually in some despair,
He claims the whole thing isn’t fair.

But now he’s gone another step,
In his attempt at lawsuit prep,
By asking lawyers, its alleged,
If he perhaps his bets can hedge,
By pardoning some with great wealth,
Including – wait for it – himself.

This allegation is denied,
As one approach he hasn’t tried,
So we may have to wait some time,
Before it all comes out in rhyme.

If it does you’ll be first to hear,
But it does all seem pretty queer,
For if he’s guiltless as he claims,
Then why should he want in his aims,
To hold there in his hand the ace,
To pardon himself just in case.

The story has some way to run,
For him it might not be much fun,
But for the rest of us it’s swell,
For I am sure there’s more to tell.

Image – Donkey Hotey / Flickr

FOSSIL DEATH!

Nissan LEAF

It is reported that the Government proposes to ban the sale of new diesel and petrol cars from 2040.

If you have got a diesel car,
You really don’t know where you are,
One time they were so very clean,
And now they’re better off unseen.

In ten short years the view has changed,
Priorities been rearranged,
And whereas once low CO2,
Was quite the wisest thing to do,
The view that is now orthodox,
Is that it’s best to have less NOx.

So up steps the electric car,
They may not go so very far,
But they are really so discreet,
While driving down the city street.

That is because, as you well know,
There’s no emissions on the go,
But still there is some CO2 –
It’s just it’s nowhere near you.

Then in just over twenty years,
The Government says it prefers,
Electric only to be sold,
The cleaner to the air behold.

No longer will we cough and wheeze,
Risk extinction of the species,
And with such wonderful foresight,
Then everything should be all right.

But wait! Perhaps things are amiss,
The Government is behind this,
And when HMG gets involved,
It rarely is a problem solved.

So watch this column if you would,
’Twill say if things are bad or good;
We pray that all will not be lost,
But do please keep your fingers crossed!

Image – Richard Kelly / Flickr