FINGER ON THE BUTTON?

Panic button

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn is still refusing to say that he would launch a nuclear weapon.

JC has many times been asked,
If he could contemplate the task,
Of launching missiles just before,
We’re consumed by nuclear war.

He never really answered right,
And then again on Friday night,
To his discomfort and great pain,
A questioner asked him again.

A rambling ‘answer’ then ensued,
In which he said he’d not be rude,
And rather than a missile fire,
Whose consequences would be dire,
Instead he’d be prepared to talk,
Taking the role of dove, not hawk.

He says this is a better way,
Because the worst – how can I say –
While we’d be blown to smithereens,
There wouldn’t be such dreadful scenes,
In Moscow or indeed Pyongyang,
Where bombs might otherwise go ‘Bang!’

So now we know the man’s imbued,
With certain moral rectitude,
And so the answer’s ‘No’ not ‘Yes’,
Because he’ll not the button press.

And if he thinks this is all right,
Eventually he’ll get a fright,
For with friend Putin in the east,
A few of us might be deceased.

THIN SKINNED

Trump angry

It is reported that Donald Trump has said that he does not want his planned state visit to the UK to take place if there might be demonstrations or protests.

One small problem for Mrs May,
Now that she’s past election day,
Is how to deal with Donald Trump,
And whether she should try to bump,
The President off his planned tour –
The one she offered him before.

She’s other things now on her plate –
Brexit for one at any rate –
And she’d be better to be free,
Of still yet more controversy.

But Trump now waded in last night,
And said if anything might blight,
His state visit like an affray,
Then he would want to stay away.

Protests and demos are so bad,
That though he’d be in armour clad,
It might look bad on prime TV,
And his spin doctors do agree.

So since some protests likely will
Occur this should the visit kill;
Arrangements likely will be binned,
Because The Trump is so thin-skinned.

If this is so for Mrs May,
The problem might have gone away,
But she must carefully this spin,
So protesters don’t seem to win.

GIN UP!

Gin Gordons

It is reported that the government now gets more tax from spirits than from beer.

There’s an election on this week,
And politicians often speak,
With campaigning reaching climax,
About who should pay most in tax.

But now we learn just yesterday,
That people drinking gin now pay,
More in tax than those drinking ale,
Which Tories say’s beyond the pale.

But Labour thinks it’s quite all right,
That when folk go out late at night,
The tax burden – a techie phrase –
Falls most on those with cash to pay.

They say that this makes it all fair,
For those who have most cash to spare,
Will be the ones to pay the most,
Of this unpopular impost.

But in the end the tax is paid,
On everything bar lemonade,
So once we’ve queued to buy a round,
Our sorrows can at least be drowned.

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

Keep Calm black

It is reported that a terrorist attack took place in London on London Bridge and Borough Market last night killing seven people and seriously injuring another forty-eight.

I didn’t know if I should write,
This morning after things last night,
Because today should not be one,
Where reading poems is for fun.

But poems don’t have to amuse,
So while police are seeking clues,
We can still sober poems write,
About this terrorism fight.

So first congratulate police,
For ensuring the quick decease,
Of the attackers, we know that,
They did it in eight minutes flat.

And as always the NHS,
Treated all those in great distress,
While still we all remember those,
Whose lives drew sadly to a close.

And finally I want to say,
That Thursday next is polling day,
So do make sure you vote thereon,
And just keep calm and carry on.

INDEPENDENCE SHELVED?

Saltire clouds

It is reported that the SNP has published its general election manifesto with scarcely a mention of independence.

The SNP, I think you’ll find,
Has always had a one-track mind,
As “Independence!” they all shout,
“We’re all determined to get out!”

So it came as a big surprise,
And I could scarce believe my eyes,
To see their manifesto was,
Not mentioning the subject ’cos,
With my rather high intellect,
That isn’t what I would expect.

So why, I wondered, could this be,
What does it mean for you and me?
And since it does affect the state,
Perhaps we should investigate.

The reason wasn’t hard to find,
’Cos recent polls were not so kind,
And found of Scotsmen* there were more,
Wanting to stay than did before.

So independence disappears,
As the general election nears,
And Mrs Sturgeon, who is boss,
Has really had to cut her loss,
To keep the SNP afloat,
And not to lose too many votes.

But I’twill come back some later time,
As I’ll report back then in rhyme,
And until then we’ll have respite,
Although it may be rather slight,
’Cos while Miss Sturgeon’s in the fray,
The damned thing will not go away.

* and Scotswomen

Image – Derek Lee

SLANGING MATCH!

Caroline Lucas

It is reported that in the BBC General Election Leaders’ Debate the speakers repeatedly criticised the Prime Minister for sending a stand-in but perhaps there should also have been mention of the SNP’s missing leader, the Labour U-turn and the Greens’ inability to send anyone else. Read on.

You may have seen last night’s debate,
With people who each other hate,
Exchanging insults as to who,
Had not seen fit to turn up too.

The worst, of course, was Mrs May,
“She must be somewhere else today,”
Said Mr Farron, the Lib Dem,
“And if you go and lift the hem,
Of your net curtains you might find,
She’s checking on your state of mind,
So that she will then know the max,
You’ll pay in the dementia tax.”

The others then all had a go,
But strangely, no-one seemed to know,
That Sturgeon of the SNP,
Also some other place must be.

The reason we can only guess,
But p’rhaps it’s ’cos she’s talking less,
And for now’s sitting on the fence,
On plans for Scots’ independence.

Then Jerry who late in the day,
Announced he’d not now stay away,
Had reckoned, you know like you do,
More votes for Labour might ensue.

Perhaps he thinks it’s all a game,
To try to put Ms May to shame,
But whether any good ’twill do,
At this stage no-one has a clue.

And last there’s Lucas, Party Green,
Who still looks no more than sixteen,
She is a leader – one of two –
So it should be quite plain to you,
With two leaders for each MP,
It’s really pretty hard to see,
No matter what she might intend,
How she could not a leader send.

Image – https://www.flickr.com/photos/0742/ underclassrising.net

DON’T SPEAK LIKE THAT!

Istanbul_Atatürk_Olympic_Stadium_2

It is reported that Turkish President Erdogan has decreed that sporting venues should be called ‘stadiums’ and not ‘arenas’ because the latter is ‘un-Turkish’.

“Good evening and here is the news,
Complete with presidential views,
And so we now have things to say,
Which will affect you from today.

Your president is on the ball,
He doesn’t plan to build a wall,
But he’ll decree the words you say,
When watching games home or away.

The word ‘arena’ is now banned,
The length and breadth of our fair land,
So when you watch please park your bums,
Instead in our great stadiums.

The reason is in Roman times,
Arenas were the scenes of crimes,
As gladiators had to fight,
On Saturday and Sunday night.

Now things like that have gone away,
’Cos we’re more civilised today,
And though the past we can’t excuse,
We can select the words we use.”

But maybe someone with some clout,
To Erdogan might just point out,
The plural’s unfamiliar:
Not ‘stadiums’ but ‘stadia’!