WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES – BUT ONLY IF IT’S A SUNNY DAY

Churchill beaches

It is reported that the Army wants to replace petrol and diesel vehicles with more environmentally sustainable types.

So Churchill was right after all,
When he issued to arms his call,
To ‘fight them on the beaches’ and,
Repel the Germans on the sand.

But one thing that he did forget,
(Apart from risk of getting wet)
And that he really ought to say:
The weather would come into play.

Now that, of course, the people knew,
Because it was so very true,
And then when D-Day came along,
The weather was at first all wrong,
And so the generals had to say,
That they would fight another day.

But ‘weather wrong’ meant it was rough,
So that the crossing was too tough,
And though it was still overcast,
The worst of it quite soon had passed.

So off they went just one day late,
On this not uneventful date;
They stormed the beaches – four, not three,
And all the rest is history.

But in the future with concern,
Of CO2 from things that burn,
The next invasion may be thanks,
To scores of solar powered tanks.

We need the sunshine, then, to shine,
Or else the Army might decline,
And let the Germans get away,
At least until another day.

But there’s another problem here,
That could, in fact, be quite severe,
For if the Germans have more time,
They might quite possibly incline,
To take their sunbeds –(one for each),
And occupy the whole damn beach!

PC OR NOT PC?

PC

It is reported that seventy-five percent of the population thinks that political correctness has gone too far and ‘exceeds common sense’.

PC is here for good or ill,
If you’ve not seen it then you will,
It controls what we do and say,
Or tries to do so anyway.

The key thing is to not offend,
And neither to a message send,
Which might someone or folk upset,
Although they may not know it yet.

Examples I will not give here,
’Cos I like rather drinking beer …
Damn! Standing with a glass you see,
Is now considered un-PC.

So Nigel Farage who also,
Will have a smoke stick on the go,
Has very little chance to be,
Remotely thought of as PC.

He’s one example, there are more,
One could soon come up with a score;
There are so many some now think,
That more of us might turn to drink,
For PC is now so intense,
It goes against all common sense!

TIME EVERYONE PLEASE

beer

It is reported that beers with sexist names are to be banned from this year’s Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) Great British Beer Festival.

Craft beers are now so very good,
If you don’t drink them then you should,
But from now on do be aware,
Their names must now be picked with care.

For CAMRA has this year decreed,
That brand names must be guaranteed,
To not offend the ladies who,
Might want to sit and drink a few.

Their drinking might be quite intense,
But not if they should take offence,
At names they on the bottles see,
With which some might just disagree.

So no ‘Slap Bottom’, ‘Dizzy Blonde’,
Not even names of which you’re fond,
‘Slack Alice’ also will not do,
And probably ‘Top Totty’ too.

So pick your name, enjoy your ale,
It might be dark or even pale,
But if its name seems rather crass,
Be sure to drink it from a glass!

MANHOLES? – YOU GUESSED IT!

gulli-3734377_960_720

It is reported that in Berkeley, California sexist names for objects such as manholes are to be changed to gender-friendly ones.

In Berkeley Californ – I – A,
There are some words that they don’t say,
And topping the list for this goal,
We have the round or square manhole.

I s’pose that ‘personhole’ would do,
It might amuse folks – one or two,
But boring folks at city hall,
Don’t want a name like that at all.

So ‘maintenance hole’ it will be,
The zealots have announced with glee,
And whether iron cast or steel,
The name seems just a touch surreal.

But zealots, of course, don’t stop there:
The man in charge is called a chair,
And manpower will be no more,
Replaced with ‘human effort’ for,
In this case they seem unaware –
Their hated ‘man’ word is still there!

QUEEN’S ENGLISH PLEASE

Hon_Jacob_Rees-Mogg_MP

It is reported that Jacob Rees-Mogg, the new Leader of the House of Commons, has issued his staff with a style guide to ensure that they stick to the correct writing rules and express themselves most correctly. I continue to write now with trepidation.

“This booklet which I give today,
Will be your guide in what to say,
And, more important, what you write,
So use it morning, noon and night.

It tells you how you should address,
A person, not to cause distress,
And you will find, should you enquire,
Untitled males are called esquire.

Of course that might perhaps just seem,
A touch pedantic or extreme,
But it is easier for you –
Just shorten it to E s q.

In other titles: Mrs, Miss,
The trailing dot should be dismissed,
The same for Ms though I don’t know,
Why out of use we don’t this throw.

A body corporate should be,
The singular you will agree,
And after full stops don’t forget,
Two spaces you should there beget.

But the most crucial point by far,
When travelling or at the bar,
Is to recall that I require,
The measurements of the Empire.

There’s more to see, please read the text,
Then you will know what’s coming next,
With lots of punctuation and
Some words and phrases that are banned.

And just one point to end this verse,
You really must not be averse,
To seeking errors that there lurk,
So please be sure to check your work!”

Image – LadyGeekTV / Creative commons

APPTY McAPPFACE

indexyeltsin

It is reported that FaceApp invites you to see what you will look like as you grow older (would anyone really want to know?) in return for giving the Russian organisation behind it “a perpetual, irrevocable, non-exclusive, royalty-free, worldwide, fully paid, transferable, sub-licensable licence – boring! – to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, publicly perform and display your User Content and any name, username or likeness provided in connection with your User Content in all media formats and channels now known or later developed without compensation to you.” (Did you not notice this when you signed up?) And if you think all that would never happen then why bother to put it in?

If you have looked you might have seen,
A new app on your mobile screen;
It takes your face that you upload,
And then by use of clever code,
It changes it so as to mould
It to the shape you’ll be when old.

To me it not apparent why,
How you look just before you die,
Is something you might want to see,
Not even if it’s all for free.

For even if you dress your best,
And look much better than the rest,
You really should avoid it lest,
The whole thing just makes you depressed.

But other people are concerned,
That you might have your bridges burned,
When you signed up to Ts and Cs –
Just press the button, it’s a breeze.

These give the Russians freedom to,
Do anything they want to do,
With your face which they now control,
Which could be awkward on the whole.

Imagine, for example, if,
Sometime ere you become a stiff,
It’s used to purchase a passport,
Or other object of that sort.

Maybe I could elaborate,
Point out, perhaps, some foreign state,
Might find a use for such as this,
Because you have been so remiss.

Will all this happen? Who’s to say?
It’s possible, though, by the way,
That all the world – you and the rest –
Might all get terribly depressed.

And maybe that would undermine,
Nations which then go in decline,
And maybe, I suggest to you,
That’s what the Russians want to do.

So do be careful what you sign,
For terms can sometimes be malign,
And the face with which you’ve been imbued,
Might just be better left unviewed.

IT’S WELSH, BOYO

ammeter-29643_960_720

It is reported that the smart meters of energy company Bulb have started displaying information in Welsh.

Smart meters have a chequered past,
It’s not so clear if they will last,
And it’s embarrassing to say,
That many still don’t work today.

The biggest problem seems to be,
If customers decide to flee,
From one supplier to one new,
The meters can get in a stew.

Some meters go from smart to dumb,
Mistaken readings and then some,
And might perhaps affect the way,
They calculate what one should pay.

But now another problem’s here,
Which really is so very queer:
Some meters are showing details,
In words you only find in Wales.

To most folk this is double Dutch,
They do not understand it much,
Especially if they reside,
Not even in Wales but outside.

There is an answer though, I think,
Which is to first abstain from drink,
And then to choose the language by,
Consulting menus that apply.

There is a problem though, but slight,
And you might not quite get it right,
Because these menus aren’t so swell –
They’re only shown in Welsh as well!