SEMI-RETIREMENT

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It is reported that I am finding writing a blog every day quite stressful and so from toda I plan to reduce the number to just one or two each week.

This writing blogs, one new each day,
And which are free, you never pay,
Is getting stressful every time –
I have to make them scan and rhyme.

So I plan to slow down a bit,
But hope they will still be a hit,
Though down in numbers from the peak,
To likely one or two each week.

I might do more, I cannot say,
Depends what’s in the news each day,
But do keep reading what I write –
They might not all be total sh*te!

HYPHEN OR NOT?

 

It is reported that Labour leadership contender Rebecca Long-Bailey (or Long Bailey) does not seem able to decide whether her name should be hyphenated or not.

Most Labour people aren’t too keen,

Question mark

On being by the public seen,
To have posh names or titles which,
Suggest they’re privileged or rich.

Of course, if you are Tony Blair,
You are so rich you don’t much care,
And even if you tried and tried,
You’d still have too much wealth to hide.

Remember also Tony Benn,
Became the Earl of Stansgate when,
His father died and left his son,
Cash like he had the jackpot won.

He kept the cash but changed his name,
To something that was rather plain,
That’s from Anthony Wedgwood Benn,
To plain old Tony Benn you Ken.

But now to our new case in point,
Noses could be put out of joint,
By hyphenation in her name,
As she increases now her fame.

Perhaps when she a lawyer was,
The hyphen seemed quite good because,
There in old dusty legal firms,
Where time is spent in drafting terms,
A hyphenated name would be,
An asset to a law degree.

But now on Jeremy’s right hand,
And with a plan to rule the land,
A hyphen just gets in the way,
Of how she would herself portray.

Will she decide to change? Maybe.
But I think ’twill more likely be,
Like Labour’s former Brexit stance,
And she might just sit on the fence!

GOING UP …

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It is reported that Lisa Nandy, the MP for Wigan, called her child Otis; a good first step if she wants him or her to go up in the world.

A child from parents gets its name,
It might be different or the same,
And most of them are rather old,
At least that’s what I have been told.

Increasingly, though, parents choose,
Less commonplace forenames to use,
Like ‘Otis’ which, as you will know,
Is great if up you want to go.

So, Otis, we now wish you well,
We think your name is pretty swell,
But don’t forget when in a lift,
If your name’s not there don’t be miffed.

POINTING THE FINGER

fingers

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn and some others are blaming Brexit for the disastrous election result while everybody else blames Mr Corbyn. And John McDonnell said that ‘if anyone is to blame it’s me’ before proceeding to blame the Media.

“It was all Brexit, I can say,
That screwed us on election day,
And since it’s clear and plain to see,
You have no right to disagree.

But also Jezza was to blame,
That’s Corbyn, yes, the very same,
Because he just would not accept,
That people thought he was inept.

And then there is the BBC,
They had it in for us you see,
And then, of course, the right-wing Press,
That helped us to create the mess.

The weather, too, its nose poked in,
Determined that we shouldn’t win,
By soaking people as they went,
And turnout down by five percent.

But I think I’ve missed someone out,
For there can now be little doubt,
That people when they went to vote,
Would be, in fact, the ones who wrote,
Their cross within that little square,
And maybe some were unaware,
That when they’re voting in this way,
It might all end in disarray.

The system isn’t quite a trick,
But if the voters are too thick,
Their vote we cannot guarantee,
Unless they get the third degree!”

BACKFIRED!

trumptwitter

It is reported that during his NATO visit to London shortly before the general election, President Trump was asked not to comment publicly in support of his friend Boris Johnson in case it should backfire with the voters; an almost impossible task.

How do you tell a president,
That it would not be prescient,
To shoot his mouth off in support,
For he the voting might distort?

It is quite hard for you may know,
He spends his time on Twitter so,
He’ll likely tweet, no ifs no buts,
As he so likes to spill his guts.

And once done there’s no going back,
No option for a change of tack;
But we’ve a secret weapon which,
He’ll likely think is just a hitch,
Which is, without quite saying why,
We fix him up with slow Wi-Fi.

If he finds out he won’t be pleased,
Such message will be ill-received,
And we might find it’s all backfired –
His internet connection’s wired!

 

WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES – BUT ONLY IF IT’S A SUNNY DAY

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It is reported that the Army wants to replace petrol and diesel vehicles with more environmentally sustainable types.

So Churchill was right after all,
When he issued to arms his call,
To ‘fight them on the beaches’ and,
Repel the Germans on the sand.

But one thing that he did forget,
(Apart from risk of getting wet)
And that he really ought to say:
The weather would come into play.

Now that, of course, the people knew,
Because it was so very true,
And then when D-Day came along,
The weather was at first all wrong,
And so the generals had to say,
That they would fight another day.

But ‘weather wrong’ meant it was rough,
So that the crossing was too tough,
And though it was still overcast,
The worst of it quite soon had passed.

So off they went just one day late,
On this not uneventful date;
They stormed the beaches – four, not three,
And all the rest is history.

But in the future with concern,
Of CO2 from things that burn,
The next invasion may be thanks,
To scores of solar powered tanks.

We need the sunshine, then, to shine,
Or else the Army might decline,
And let the Germans get away,
At least until another day.

But there’s another problem here,
That could, in fact, be quite severe,
For if the Germans have more time,
They might quite possibly incline,
To take their sunbeds –(one for each),
And occupy the whole damn beach!

PC OR NOT PC?

PC

It is reported that seventy-five percent of the population thinks that political correctness has gone too far and ‘exceeds common sense’.

PC is here for good or ill,
If you’ve not seen it then you will,
It controls what we do and say,
Or tries to do so anyway.

The key thing is to not offend,
And neither to a message send,
Which might someone or folk upset,
Although they may not know it yet.

Examples I will not give here,
’Cos I like rather drinking beer …
Damn! Standing with a glass you see,
Is now considered un-PC.

So Nigel Farage who also,
Will have a smoke stick on the go,
Has very little chance to be,
Remotely thought of as PC.

He’s one example, there are more,
One could soon come up with a score;
There are so many some now think,
That more of us might turn to drink,
For PC is now so intense,
It goes against all common sense!

TIME EVERYONE PLEASE

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It is reported that beers with sexist names are to be banned from this year’s Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) Great British Beer Festival.

Craft beers are now so very good,
If you don’t drink them then you should,
But from now on do be aware,
Their names must now be picked with care.

For CAMRA has this year decreed,
That brand names must be guaranteed,
To not offend the ladies who,
Might want to sit and drink a few.

Their drinking might be quite intense,
But not if they should take offence,
At names they on the bottles see,
With which some might just disagree.

So no ‘Slap Bottom’, ‘Dizzy Blonde’,
Not even names of which you’re fond,
‘Slack Alice’ also will not do,
And probably ‘Top Totty’ too.

So pick your name, enjoy your ale,
It might be dark or even pale,
But if its name seems rather crass,
Be sure to drink it from a glass!

MANHOLES? – YOU GUESSED IT!

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It is reported that in Berkeley, California sexist names for objects such as manholes are to be changed to gender-friendly ones.

In Berkeley Californ – I – A,
There are some words that they don’t say,
And topping the list for this goal,
We have the round or square manhole.

I s’pose that ‘personhole’ would do,
It might amuse folks – one or two,
But boring folks at city hall,
Don’t want a name like that at all.

So ‘maintenance hole’ it will be,
The zealots have announced with glee,
And whether iron cast or steel,
The name seems just a touch surreal.

But zealots, of course, don’t stop there:
The man in charge is called a chair,
And manpower will be no more,
Replaced with ‘human effort’ for,
In this case they seem unaware –
Their hated ‘man’ word is still there!

QUEEN’S ENGLISH PLEASE

Hon_Jacob_Rees-Mogg_MP

It is reported that Jacob Rees-Mogg, the new Leader of the House of Commons, has issued his staff with a style guide to ensure that they stick to the correct writing rules and express themselves most correctly. I continue to write now with trepidation.

“This booklet which I give today,
Will be your guide in what to say,
And, more important, what you write,
So use it morning, noon and night.

It tells you how you should address,
A person, not to cause distress,
And you will find, should you enquire,
Untitled males are called esquire.

Of course that might perhaps just seem,
A touch pedantic or extreme,
But it is easier for you –
Just shorten it to E s q.

In other titles: Mrs, Miss,
The trailing dot should be dismissed,
The same for Ms though I don’t know,
Why out of use we don’t this throw.

A body corporate should be,
The singular you will agree,
And after full stops don’t forget,
Two spaces you should there beget.

But the most crucial point by far,
When travelling or at the bar,
Is to recall that I require,
The measurements of the Empire.

There’s more to see, please read the text,
Then you will know what’s coming next,
With lots of punctuation and
Some words and phrases that are banned.

And just one point to end this verse,
You really must not be averse,
To seeking errors that there lurk,
So please be sure to check your work!”

Image – LadyGeekTV / Creative commons