HATE CRIME, JIMMY

Ten pound note

It is reported that a Scotsman travelling in Kent called in police complaining of a hate crime when his Scottish ten pound note was not accepted at the post office.

You’d think a Scotsman wouldn’t mind,
If in a shop of any kind,
His offer to pay was refused,
So his cash would remain unused.

And so it was in County Kent,
The place our Scottish hero went,
He asked for stamps, you ought to note,
And offered them a ten pound note.

The clerk examined what it was,
And then rejected it because,
In England notes like this are not,
Accepted since they are all Scot.

The man said, although not in rhyme,
“This seems to me a bad hate crime ;
You are refusing this note and,
It’s ’cos it’s from another land.”

The clerk replied, “That isn’t true,
And I’ve no quarrel now with you;
I’ve seen these Scottish notes before –
Refusing’s not against the law.”

The Scotsman then called the police,
Who came around like lightning greased,
But once they’d been told what had passed,
They gave their verdict very fast,
Proclaiming that they could now state,
That this was not a crime of hate.

So that was it, no crime was done,
No criminals then on the run.
And our man with his ten pound note?
He’s spending it at John O’Groats!

POOH POOH

Pooh Bear

It is reported that a street performer in Madrid who dresses up as Winnie the Pooh was asked to stay out of sight as Chinese President Xi Jinping’s motorcade passed so as not to offend the President who some claim bears a close resemblance to the storybook bear.

I’ve talked about this one before,
So some of you should know the score,
And that our old friend Mr Xi,
Thinks that the Pooh Bear looks like he.

In China, therefore, Pooh is banned,
Throughout that quite enormous land,
So Chinese who would read in bed,
Must try with Paddington instead.

But recently Xi went to Spain,
Where most people do not refrain,
From reading Pooh and playing sticks,
Which might well get on Chinese wicks.

One problem they discovered, though,
Was that Xi Jinping planned to go,
Across the square where he could be,
Upset by something he might see.

The sight in question was a man,
There making money if he can,
By dressing up just like Pooh Bear,
And being snapped with tourists there.

And though you might think it absurd,
The police just simply had a word,
And asked if he saw Mr Xi,
Perhaps he might then go for tea.

And so he did, no-one was sad,
For tourists it was not too bad,
And he avoided, absent thus,
A right old diplomatic fuss.

999: IS SIR OR MADAM BREATHING?

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It is reported that 999 emergency call handlers might be told to stop referring to people as Sir and Madam in case it upsets transgender callers.

“Emergency, which service please?
I’ll try to put you at your ease,
But tell me, Sir, now if you would,
Is patient breathing as he should?”

“Don’t call me Sir, it isn’t right,
I am not in a mood tonight,
But I’m transgender here on scene,
Whatever such a word might mean.

So when you speak – English or Welsh –
You really must say something else,
So that I will not get upset,
And No, he isn’t breathing yet.”

“I do not know what word to use,
And it seems you’ve got a short fuse,
But maybe now you could suggest,
A word that might just suit you best?”

“Well, I don’t know, but Sir’s no good,
My God, I don’t like all this blood,
So hurry up with what you say,
Or else he will have passed away!”

“It’s not so easy, I’m without,
A dictionary hereabout,
So choosing words might take some time,
And I must also speak in rhyme.”

“Forget the rhyme, it matters not,
This red stuff’s flowing now a lot;
Unless we both our skates get on,
I am afraid he will be gone.”

“Maybe it’s best to start again,
If patient’s not in any pain;
So Mr, Ms, LGBT,
Is patient breathing – can you see?”

“He isn’t now, with all this time,
Spent choosing words, composing rhyme,
The place is swimming now in red,
And I’m afraid the patient’s dead!”

There is a moral to this tale,
Which is, of course, beyond the pale:
Unless you are extremely dense,
Just speak and act with common sense.

NOT AGAIN!

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It is reported that people, including an actress who has done voiceovers in Disney films, is complaining that the Disney version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs encourages men to kiss women without their consent and that it also encourages children to speak to and accept food from strangers.

You know the story of Snow White,
But some now say it is not right,
For some unpleasant things have been,
Depicted on the silver screen.

First are the strangers, dwarfs or elves,
Who daily go to dig and delve,
But as they’re strangers Snow White should,
Assume they are up to no good.

She shouldn’t speak to them, they say,
And in their house while they’re away,
She shouldn’t expect to be fed,
And also not sleep in their bed.

Then there’s the wicked queen who looks,
As if she just wears clothes that sucks,
She has an apple, of the best,
Which Snow White likely will digest.

She shouldn’t touch it as you know,
But she was really starving so,
She quickly bit into the skin,
And didn’t know ’t had poison in.

She fell asleep with poisoned tum,
But still the worst is yet to come,
For while asleep, without consent,
A prince arrived with the intent,
Of kissing Snow White who, with luck,
Might realise she should wake up.

This really could not be much worse,
For, though it saved her from the hearse,
To kiss a girl without consent,
Perhaps asleep or with ailment,
No matter she is fit or frail,
Is really quite beyond the pale.

This is all nonsense, that’s quite plain,
But some folk do, now and again,
Complain that such things should be banned,
And Disney films therefore be canned.

Demands like this we should resist,
And try to get them to desist,
For if we don’t they are not few,
And will control the things we do.

So read these stories once or twice,
Just tell your kids the prince is nice,
But while you do you better had,
Just tell them the old queen is bad.

Then they’ll grow up with balanced mind,
And liking almost any kind,
Of story read to her or him,
Including by the Brothers Grimm.

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED

christmas-tree-cartoon

It is reported that Bradford City Council has banned the putting up of Christmas decorations in its offices so as to avoid the cost of repairing drawing pin holes etc.

“This Christmas thing that comes around,
Can cause some problems we have found,
It’s gone down badly in the past,
So this year we are acting fast.

We’re issuing this pocket guide,
Which you should all keep by your side;
The points within it are quite few,
And will tell you what not to do.

So where to start? Now let us see,
If you have brought to work a tree,
Don’t stand it up or plug it in,
For it must go straight in the bin.

For Christmas trees can catch alight,
In which case there’s a chance they might,
Make quite a lot of smoke and smell,
And burn the office down as well.

Next up is holly, thin or thick,
Which can give you a nasty prick,
So with such branches act in haste,
And put them in the garden waste.

And then there’s stars and things you pin,
Upon the walls when you get in;
The stars themselves don’t cause distress,
But drawing pins can make a mess.

And finally we have balloons,
So oft the cause of misfortunes,
For they around the office hang,
Until one day they all go ‘Bang!’

This can give folk a dreadful fright,
And it could even start a fight,
For some folk might think it could be,
Perhaps the start of World War Three.”

Image – pixabay

Find all Ebenezer Bean’s books on Amazon.
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WALL CLIMB DOWN

great-wall-of-china

It is reported that Donald Trump is softening on his promise to build a wall along the Mexican border.

“When I was looking for your vote,
One thing I often said and wrote,
Was that I planned to build a wall,
And that it would be pretty tall.

This really is still my intent,
As long as there’s enough cement,
But if there isn’t don’t despair,
A wall is mostly in the air,
So some parts might just be a fence,
Suggested by my mate Mike Pence.

The fence will also be quite high,
Protruding up into the sky,
And if some bits are on a hill,
It likely would go higher still.

Where there are hills costs could reduce,
’Cos fences made of wire or spruce,
Might be dispensed with in some way,
So that there will be less to pay.

And lastly, as to who will build
The wall for this will need unskilled
Workers who work hard every day,
And do it all for little pay.

Historical analysis,
Of major projects just like this,
Shows migrants always get these jobs,
Not more expensive local yobs.

So we can have one final twist,
Because I think we would insist,
Migrants we would take on and pay,
While they are in the USA.

Then when, at last, the job is done,
We would just sack them every one,
And as a very general guide,
We’d do it on the other side.

So this kills two birds with one stone –
As well as cheap they’ve gone back home!”

Image – flickr

Find all Ebenezer Bean’s books on Amazon.
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EBENEZER BEAN

Blog Picture 1

Hello. I am Ebenezer Bean.  I write a daily blog based on one of the news stories in the day’s papers.  It’s in verse and is supposed to be funny.

As well as this, I have written thirteen books, listed below and all available in paperback and Kindle versions on Amazon.  Just search for Ebenezer Bean or use the link below and ignore the general of the same name in the American Civil War who is no longer alive.  Happy reading.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=ebenezer+bean&rh=n%3A341677031%2Ck%3Aebenezer+bean

HILARIOUS HISTORY  Two thousand years of English history from the Romans to the Victorians told in verse in five volumes.  Comprehensive, accurate and hilariously funny – but not necessarily in that order.

FIRST SEPTEMBER  A gripping terrorist novel set in the aftermath of the bombing of PanAm Flight 103 over Lockerbie.

THE LONG SPOON  A fictional political thriller telling the ‘inside story’ of the Irish Peace Process.

REBEL RHYMES  Twenty famous fairy stories told in hilarious verse.  Much funnier than the originals.

CRUNCH!  Over thirty sketches of political foolery and other important matters of the day for politicians and other nuisances.  Witty and amusing although some of the politicians may not agree.

OUCH!  Lessons from history for politicians who think they know best.

RANDOM WRITINGS  Witty commentary on the important matters of the day including the Credit Crunch.  Plus a collection of general ramblings about all sorts of things including some jokes and a puzzle.

RANDOM WRITINGS  (ZigZag SpeeedRead Edition)  The witty commentary of Random Writings (Second Edition) set in ZigZag SpeeedRead for faaaster reading and extra value.  The world’s first ZigZag SpeeedRead paperback.

RHYME AND PREJUDICE  Jane Austen’s famous classic novel re-written in verse.  Accurate and faithful to the original but absolutely hilarious.  Written and published during the novel’s bicentenary year for added authenticity.  Expect to see it mentioned on the next ten pound note!

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE  So similar to the above as to be indistinguishable.  Search for either but don’t buy both to avoid disappointment.

Note:
Bean’s Blogs is light-hearted re-reporting of news items of the day for amusement only. On occasions this involves mild exaggeration and choices of words which are humorous and can also be made to rhyme and scan. This should be obvious in the context of the verses. While every care is taken to avoid any inaccuracies or incorrect assertions to which individuals referred to may take exception, should these occur we will be happy to make corrections. Happy reading.