TIME EVERYONE PLEASE

beer

It is reported that beers with sexist names are to be banned from this year’s Campaign for Real Ale (CAMRA) Great British Beer Festival.

Craft beers are now so very good,
If you don’t drink them then you should,
But from now on do be aware,
Their names must now be picked with care.

For CAMRA has this year decreed,
That brand names must be guaranteed,
To not offend the ladies who,
Might want to sit and drink a few.

Their drinking might be quite intense,
But not if they should take offence,
At names they on the bottles see,
With which some might just disagree.

So no ‘Slap Bottom’, ‘Dizzy Blonde’,
Not even names of which you’re fond,
‘Slack Alice’ also will not do,
And probably ‘Top Totty’ too.

So pick your name, enjoy your ale,
It might be dark or even pale,
But if its name seems rather crass,
Be sure to drink it from a glass!

MANHOLES? – YOU GUESSED IT!

gulli-3734377_960_720

It is reported that in Berkeley, California sexist names for objects such as manholes are to be changed to gender-friendly ones.

In Berkeley Californ – I – A,
There are some words that they don’t say,
And topping the list for this goal,
We have the round or square manhole.

I s’pose that ‘personhole’ would do,
It might amuse folks – one or two,
But boring folks at city hall,
Don’t want a name like that at all.

So ‘maintenance hole’ it will be,
The zealots have announced with glee,
And whether iron cast or steel,
The name seems just a touch surreal.

But zealots, of course, don’t stop there:
The man in charge is called a chair,
And manpower will be no more,
Replaced with ‘human effort’ for,
In this case they seem unaware –
Their hated ‘man’ word is still there!

QUEEN’S ENGLISH PLEASE

Hon_Jacob_Rees-Mogg_MP

It is reported that Jacob Rees-Mogg, the new Leader of the House of Commons, has issued his staff with a style guide to ensure that they stick to the correct writing rules and express themselves most correctly. I continue to write now with trepidation.

“This booklet which I give today,
Will be your guide in what to say,
And, more important, what you write,
So use it morning, noon and night.

It tells you how you should address,
A person, not to cause distress,
And you will find, should you enquire,
Untitled males are called esquire.

Of course that might perhaps just seem,
A touch pedantic or extreme,
But it is easier for you –
Just shorten it to E s q.

In other titles: Mrs, Miss,
The trailing dot should be dismissed,
The same for Ms though I don’t know,
Why out of use we don’t this throw.

A body corporate should be,
The singular you will agree,
And after full stops don’t forget,
Two spaces you should there beget.

But the most crucial point by far,
When travelling or at the bar,
Is to recall that I require,
The measurements of the Empire.

There’s more to see, please read the text,
Then you will know what’s coming next,
With lots of punctuation and
Some words and phrases that are banned.

And just one point to end this verse,
You really must not be averse,
To seeking errors that there lurk,
So please be sure to check your work!”

Image – LadyGeekTV / Creative commons

APPTY McAPPFACE

indexyeltsin

It is reported that FaceApp invites you to see what you will look like as you grow older (would anyone really want to know?) in return for giving the Russian organisation behind it “a perpetual, irrevocable, non-exclusive, royalty-free, worldwide, fully paid, transferable, sub-licensable licence – boring! – to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, publicly perform and display your User Content and any name, username or likeness provided in connection with your User Content in all media formats and channels now known or later developed without compensation to you.” (Did you not notice this when you signed up?) And if you think all that would never happen then why bother to put it in?

If you have looked you might have seen,
A new app on your mobile screen;
It takes your face that you upload,
And then by use of clever code,
It changes it so as to mould
It to the shape you’ll be when old.

To me it not apparent why,
How you look just before you die,
Is something you might want to see,
Not even if it’s all for free.

For even if you dress your best,
And look much better than the rest,
You really should avoid it lest,
The whole thing just makes you depressed.

But other people are concerned,
That you might have your bridges burned,
When you signed up to Ts and Cs –
Just press the button, it’s a breeze.

These give the Russians freedom to,
Do anything they want to do,
With your face which they now control,
Which could be awkward on the whole.

Imagine, for example, if,
Sometime ere you become a stiff,
It’s used to purchase a passport,
Or other object of that sort.

Maybe I could elaborate,
Point out, perhaps, some foreign state,
Might find a use for such as this,
Because you have been so remiss.

Will all this happen? Who’s to say?
It’s possible, though, by the way,
That all the world – you and the rest –
Might all get terribly depressed.

And maybe that would undermine,
Nations which then go in decline,
And maybe, I suggest to you,
That’s what the Russians want to do.

So do be careful what you sign,
For terms can sometimes be malign,
And the face with which you’ve been imbued,
Might just be better left unviewed.

IT’S WELSH, BOYO

ammeter-29643_960_720

It is reported that the smart meters of energy company Bulb have started displaying information in Welsh.

Smart meters have a chequered past,
It’s not so clear if they will last,
And it’s embarrassing to say,
That many still don’t work today.

The biggest problem seems to be,
If customers decide to flee,
From one supplier to one new,
The meters can get in a stew.

Some meters go from smart to dumb,
Mistaken readings and then some,
And might perhaps affect the way,
They calculate what one should pay.

But now another problem’s here,
Which really is so very queer:
Some meters are showing details,
In words you only find in Wales.

To most folk this is double Dutch,
They do not understand it much,
Especially if they reside,
Not even in Wales but outside.

There is an answer though, I think,
Which is to first abstain from drink,
And then to choose the language by,
Consulting menus that apply.

There is a problem though, but slight,
And you might not quite get it right,
Because these menus aren’t so swell –
They’re only shown in Welsh as well!

HATE CRIME, JIMMY

Ten pound note

It is reported that a Scotsman travelling in Kent called in police complaining of a hate crime when his Scottish ten pound note was not accepted at the post office.

You’d think a Scotsman wouldn’t mind,
If in a shop of any kind,
His offer to pay was refused,
So his cash would remain unused.

And so it was in County Kent,
The place our Scottish hero went,
He asked for stamps, you ought to note,
And offered them a ten pound note.

The clerk examined what it was,
And then rejected it because,
In England notes like this are not,
Accepted since they are all Scot.

The man said, although not in rhyme,
“This seems to me a bad hate crime ;
You are refusing this note and,
It’s ’cos it’s from another land.”

The clerk replied, “That isn’t true,
And I’ve no quarrel now with you;
I’ve seen these Scottish notes before –
Refusing’s not against the law.”

The Scotsman then called the police,
Who came around like lightning greased,
But once they’d been told what had passed,
They gave their verdict very fast,
Proclaiming that they could now state,
That this was not a crime of hate.

So that was it, no crime was done,
No criminals then on the run.
And our man with his ten pound note?
He’s spending it at John O’Groats!

POOH POOH

Pooh Bear

It is reported that a street performer in Madrid who dresses up as Winnie the Pooh was asked to stay out of sight as Chinese President Xi Jinping’s motorcade passed so as not to offend the President who some claim bears a close resemblance to the storybook bear.

I’ve talked about this one before,
So some of you should know the score,
And that our old friend Mr Xi,
Thinks that the Pooh Bear looks like he.

In China, therefore, Pooh is banned,
Throughout that quite enormous land,
So Chinese who would read in bed,
Must try with Paddington instead.

But recently Xi went to Spain,
Where most people do not refrain,
From reading Pooh and playing sticks,
Which might well get on Chinese wicks.

One problem they discovered, though,
Was that Xi Jinping planned to go,
Across the square where he could be,
Upset by something he might see.

The sight in question was a man,
There making money if he can,
By dressing up just like Pooh Bear,
And being snapped with tourists there.

And though you might think it absurd,
The police just simply had a word,
And asked if he saw Mr Xi,
Perhaps he might then go for tea.

And so he did, no-one was sad,
For tourists it was not too bad,
And he avoided, absent thus,
A right old diplomatic fuss.