YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS LEFT

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It is reported that Ross Edgley has swum round the entire coast of Great Britain in 157 days, eating 649 bananas on the way and breaking all sorts of records, including, presumably, for banana eating.

Bananas can be rather good,
If you don’t like them then you should,
Especially, it has been found,
If you might want to swim around,
The coastline of Great Britain, say,
And break some records on the way.

For that is what Ross Edgley’s done,
He swam a lot each day then some,
But nonetheless he persevered,
As Margate’s finish slowly neared.

He swam each day, sometimes at night,
Determined that he’d do things right,
With several records within reach,
When he arrived on Margate’s beach.

But one thing that we all should note:
The fruit that kept the man afloat,
And for which he had money paid,
Was not just a buoyancy aid.

For energy it did provide,
That’s in the body, not outside,
So we should drink a toast at least,
To little helpers: Fyffes and Geest!

FAMOUS FOOTFALLER

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It is reported that footballer David Beckham escaped a speeding conviction on a procedural technicality, his lawyer saying that the notice of the alleged offence arrived a day late. It is not reported whether his wife was, as usual, not amused.

If you are some celebrity,
It really is quite wise to be,
Not pushy or, indeed, too brash,
Despite the fact you’ve lots of cash.

And if you’re in a pickle caught,
Most people will think that you ought,
To simply take it on the chin,
Which will help you their hearts to win.

Now all of this is good advice,
In fact, perhaps, worth reading twice;
So it is something of a shock,
To learn when one was in the dock,
He managed to escape, you see,
On just a technicality.

The one in question, David Beck,
While in a Bentley (not a wreck),
Was caught for speeding, “But,” said he,
“I really, truly, did not see,
The notice saying I drove fast,
Till more than fourteen days had passed.

I’m happy to admit the crime,
But owing to this length of time,
You acted not as set by law,
So my brief here can see a flaw.

This means that you cannot convict,
And so the brief that I have picked,
Has done me well, I’m very glad,
He’s earned the thousands that he’s had.

So I am free, that’s pretty good,
My wealth is working as it should,
For if it can’t when I’m not poor,
Then what is all my money for?”

A GRAND DAY OUT

Mont Blanc triangle-du-tacul

It is reported that people are climbing Mont Blanc without proper clothes and dressed only for general walking expeditions.

You will not know the Mont Blanc Mayor,
But he is now in some despair,
For climbers who, he says, are mad,
Are dying which is rather sad.

They turn up every day to try,
To climb this mountain which is high,
And, daily, it seems some of those,
Attempt it without proper clothes.

At first they think it’s not too steep,
And crevasses not very deep,
But as they try to ascend more,
There is great danger then in store.

And then as they get even higher,
They are unfit and start to tire;
They find it hard to keep their grip,
And might then go arse over tip.

That’s likely it, their clogs they pop,
Quite far below the mountain top,
And people like this who are mad,
One more to the statistics add.

The Mayor says deaths have now increased,
So anyone who climbs at least,
Should wear good boots with crampons fixed –
Important, not just semantics.

But Government rejects his call,
“The mountain should be free for all!
And what they wear is up to them,
Though it could be their requiem.

But one thing we would think unwise,
Is for someone of any size,
To set off aiming for the tops,
Wearing no more than old flip-flops!”

GOAL!!! … OOPS

World Cup 2014 Germany_and_Argentina

It is reported that insurance claims for damaged televisions increased eight-fold during the World Cup.

Most people like to watch football,
They go to matches but not all,
And when it’s time for the World Cup,
Most stay at home with beer to sup.

They watch, of course, on their TV,
Of violence that can be free,
But as they sit and watch the game,
Some start behaving much the same,
As if they were there in the ground,
With more spectators all around.

At first it’s shouting, “Ref, you’re blind!”
Ref doesn’t hear so doesn’t mind,
But then the shouting gets more terse,
Employing language even worse.

Of course, it still has no effect,
So fans with not much intellect,
Start waving, jumping in despair,
And wrecking what’s left of their chair.

But then a few who have a ball,
(One for the foot, not in a hall)
Think that if they can now take aim
At goal they might improve the game.

They line it up, the net appears –
You know this will all end in tears –
And then they kick, the screen goes smash,
Transformed into a pile of trash.

“You stupid fool!” The others shout,
“Must you be such a friggin’ lout?!
You and your stupid friggin’ ball,
Now we can’t watch the match at all!”

A conference does now ensue,
To try decide what’s best to do,
But quite the best that they can think,
Is finish off the food and drink,
And then try on some future day,
The insurance to get to pay.

Insurance man might not be pleased,
When he hears how the person sneezed,
And momentary loss of control,
Gave what you might call an own goal.

So they’ll just have to tough it out,
Not admit one of them’s a lout,
And, probably, though none can tell,
Embellish it a bit as well.

So long term? Might not be too bad,
Because the TV that they had,
Is likely then to be replaced,
To fill the room’s now empty space.

But in the short term, they are stuffed,
And mostly not at all best chuffed,
’Cos they’ll see no World Cup, it’s true,
Until round twenty twenty-two!

Image – Danilo Borges/copa2014.gov.br Licença Creative Commons Atribuição 3.0 Brasil

DAMN!

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It is reported that England has lost the semi-final of the World Cup in Moscow, waistcoats or not.

The England team did really well,
As any football fan will tell:
They won their matches all along,
But, in this last, they took too long,
To get the goals they had to score,
So their opponents then had more.

The goals they did score were so good,
If you’ve not seen them then you should;
The headers were extremely fine –
Exciting as they crossed the line.

But only one can win the match,
If not then there would be a catch;
The winners should have greatest skill,
But also in a game there will,
Be lots of luck with shots and aim,
Affecting who will win the game.

And one thing that can’t be denied,
Is, though they didn’t win, they tried,
And did far better with the score,
Than predecessors had before.

Croatia therefore won the day,
Good luck when they the final play,
But maybe they should up their game,
And not the opposition maim!

RUSSIA 2018

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It is reported that FIFA and the Russians may be covering up drugs test results in the World Cup; suspicions have been raised owing to Russia’s atypical and spectacular performance in their opening games.

The Russian team, it has been said,
Is really very badly led,
And though they would be playing first,
Of hosting countries they’re the worst.

But then they played the opening game,
And then their second – much the same;
They won them both, eight in the net,
The best an opening host’s done yet.

So far, so good; suspicious though,
Because as far as numbers go,
The players in the opening match,
Might have seemed pretty hard to catch.

They ran so fast throughout the game,
And then their distance, much the same,
Was faster than host teams before,
And not because of shoes they wore.

Suspicions now surround the squad,
Because it seems distinctly odd,
That they have got such skills on tap,
When their performance should be crap.

So questions have by now been asked,
Of the officials who are tasked,
With sample testing to disclose,
Of Russian players, which of those,
Had positive tests without doubt,
And really should have been thrown out.

But drug officials will not say,
Whom they did test or on which day,
So then as long as players play,
Suspicions will not go away.

So if you watch the game beware,
There might be goings on back there,
And be suspicious if you read,
That Russia played at breakneck speed.

POSTMAN PAT

Postman Pat

It is reported that Royal Mail has banned the flying of England flags on their vans during the World Cup.

The World Cup is now under way,
So there might be a lot to say,
About the games, who scores the most,
And also ’bout the Russian host.

For politics comes on the scene,
And though I don’t like to be mean,
One must refer to just a few
Things that the Russians like to do.

You will know of all these, of course:
Invading countries, small, by force,
Nerve agent to infect a man,
And hacking everything they can.

But what of dear old Postman Pat,
I haven’t said too much of that,
But as he drives along the street,
With all his addressees to meet,
He’s wondering now if he can,
Fly England’s flag upon his van.

He puts one up, it flies so high,
That Mrs Potts says, “My oh my!”
But Pat’s boss at the GPO,
Says, “Oh my gosh, it’s no, no, no!

We can’t fly flags from our red vans,
It’s one of our long-standing bans;
The reason is, you have to see,
A problem with H S and E.

The safety problem’s always there,
Just like your wheels which have a spare,
And so your big red and white flag,
Will have to stay packed in its bag.”

Pat said, “Well, now, that is a shame,
I’d hoped we’d do well in the game,
And that the flag I’m flying high,
Might Mr Putin terrify.”