DON’T SPEAK LIKE THAT!

Istanbul_Atatürk_Olympic_Stadium_2

It is reported that Turkish President Erdogan has decreed that sporting venues should be called ‘stadiums’ and not ‘arenas’ because the latter is ‘un-Turkish’.

“Good evening and here is the news,
Complete with presidential views,
And so we now have things to say,
Which will affect you from today.

Your president is on the ball,
He doesn’t plan to build a wall,
But he’ll decree the words you say,
When watching games home or away.

The word ‘arena’ is now banned,
The length and breadth of our fair land,
So when you watch please park your bums,
Instead in our great stadiums.

The reason is in Roman times,
Arenas were the scenes of crimes,
As gladiators had to fight,
On Saturday and Sunday night.

Now things like that have gone away,
’Cos we’re more civilised today,
And though the past we can’t excuse,
We can select the words we use.”

But maybe someone with some clout,
To Erdogan might just point out,
The plural’s unfamiliar:
Not ‘stadiums’ but ‘stadia’!

POWER SHOWER

Shower symbol

It is reported that girls are increasingly abandoning sport at ages as young as eight as it is seen as unfeminine and it is thought that this situation would improve if better-smelling soap were provided in the changing rooms and lavatories.

If you’re a girl and still at school,
You may find as a general rule,
That changing rooms are not so nice –
Places you wouldn’t visit twice.

They may be clean or maybe not,
The showers tepid, seldom hot,
And these privations, it’s now thought,
Discourage you from doing sport.

Now sport is good, you must agree,
It keeps you slim as one can see,
And now we’ve come up with a way,
To make sure that you’ll want to play.

The plan is simple in extreme:
Providing face and body cream,
And also soap and posh shampoo,
Plus super-soft rolls in the loo

The boys, though, will not get the same,
And they’ve only themselves to blame,
Because it seems they just don’t care,
And will get changed most anywhere.

We hope this will encourage you,
To stick at sports now – just a few,
And that is it so there you are –
Your very own sport mini spa!

HEART ATTACK ANYONE?

Exercise cartoon

It is reported that the British Heart Foundation has said that people who do not take enough exercise are at an increased risk of a heart attack and even those who do are still at risk if they sit down too much.

We must have heard it all before,
Recently and in days of yore,
If you don’t exercise quite well,
You’ll go to heaven, maybe hell.

You have to do some every day,
One-fifty mins. is what they say,
And if you think this is extreme,
I think each week is what they mean.

That’s just enough to stay on track,
Perhaps avoid a heart attack,
But even then if you should sit,
Too long then that could still be it.

For sitting, it seems, is so bad,
And for us all it’s pretty sad,
Because – and I am sure it’s true –
Sitting is what we mostly do.

So best foot forward and take care,
How long you exercise out there,
And afterwards please understand,
While at the bar you’d better stand.

Cheers!

Image – Pixabay

GOLF EXPERTS

golf-course

It is reported that the governing bodies of the game of golf are proposing to change the rules so that good golfers don’t get stuck behind their less expert brethren.

The game of golf is very slow,
And if you play it then you’ll know,
How irritating it can be,
To get stuck behind he or she,
Who acts as if they didn’t play,
Their first round until yesterday.

They take an age to take their shot,
Is it a good one? It is not!
The ball goes spinning off the side,
Because they hit the damn thing wide.

Then when it ends up in the rough,
Just finding it can be too tough,
For those who can scarce hit the ball,
And shouldn’t play the game at all.

So all in all you’ve spent your day,
Behind someone who couldn’t play,
And all of your now wasted time,
Could have been spent on ale or wine.

So to address this crucial point,
So noses are less out of joint,
It is proposed to change some rules,
To deal with all these silly fools.

They’ll have less time to take their shot,
And if their aim is not so hot,
When they get to a certain score,
According to this new by-law,
They’ll take their ball and end their turn,
Which might encourage them to learn.

And also when their shot they fluff,
And once again land in the rough,
The time allowed to find their ball,
Is really not that much at all;
Three minutes is all they will get,
A time that’s not been tested yet.

And there are more new rules in store,
For those who might, or not, shout ‘Fore!’
And so less need for language coarse,
To speed them swiftly through the course.

So if you’re no good at the game,
And playing with someone the same,
Spiked shoes are not the ones to choose –
You’re better off in running shoes!

Image – http://www.wikihow.com

ROLY POLY GOALIE

sutton-united-pies

It is reported that Wayne Shaw, the 23 stone reserve team goalkeeper at Sutton United Football Club is in trouble and has lost his job after taking part in a betting stunt that involved him eating a meat pie.

It seems that Wayne Shaw is well-known,
When his club, Sutton, plays at home,
For eating pasties and meat pies,
As far as I know without fries.

But then on just the other day,
While playing Arsenal by the way,
He did something not very wise,
And ate another of his pies.

The problem was this was a stunt,
In which people could have a punt,
On whether he would have a bite,
Of one of his meat pies that night.

The odds were set at eight to one,
So most folk thought the pie was gone,
But right at the end of the game,
The goalie, Mr Shaw by name,
Produced a pie, it wasn’t hot,
And in a moment ate the lot.

People were cross, they’d lost their bets,
More than a few increased their debts,
And people said he was a fool –
This was against the gambling rule.

So he’s the goalie there no more,
Also a fine might be in store,
But for now he should dry his eyes,
And have another of his pies!

Image – Who ate all the pies

 

HEADS YOU LOSE

football-heading

It is reported that scientists are worried that heading a football over a long period of time might result in head injury and dementia for the players.

Footballers like to head the ball,
And do not worry much at all,
About effects that there may be,
To body parts above the knee.

I’m not referring to the chest,
For when the ball’s against it pressed,
The ribcage will then do its stuff,
Protecting organs well enough.

But no, I mean the player’s head,
Without which it might well be said,
There likely would no heading be,
And therefore not much transfer fee.

Of course the head does not come off,
If I said that you’d merely scoff,
But heading even if offside,
Might make some bits come loose inside.

And over time these loose bits could,
Be doing players not much good,
In fact they might, no ifs no buts,
Result in players going nuts.

“So what is new?” I hear you say,
“Some of them are like that today.”

Well maybe so, but in this age,
Where health and safety’s all the rage,
We have to think in prose or verse,
Of ways to stop it getting worse.

It sounds quite bad so what to do?
A softer ball would help, it’s true,
Or maybe hats worn on the head,
Would sometimes help the impact spread.

These hats might really be quite nice,
Could be worn more than once or twice,
And if displayed with beer in cans,
They could be sold to football fans.

Image – Pixabay

MINE IS BIGGER THAN YOURS

trump-inauguration

It is reported that Donald Trump’s press spokesman reprimanded journalists for saying that the crowds at his inauguration were smaller than at Barack Obama’s, which position was well supported by photographic evidence of the occasion.

“I’ve brought you all in here today,
So everyone can hear me say,
That our crowds have by far surpassed,
Those of Obama, first and last.

Obama only had a few,
They didn’t even have to queue,
So I will tell it as it is –
Our numbers were far more than his”

“But Sir, the camera cannot lie,
No matter how hard you might try,
You cannot possibly have more,
’Cos you can see a lot of floor.”

“The floor, though, had been painted white,
So it shows up as awful bright,
And gaps between the people will,
Distort the number further still.”

“Obama also had white ground,
So you are wrong we have now found,
Whichever way you look at this,
It looks as though you take the p*ss.”

“But Trump’s folk were not fat but thin,”
The spokesman ventured with no grin,
“And just so that they could confuse,
Obama’s did umbrellas use.

As well as this we’ve checked and found,
That more folk used the underground,
So that just proves, I have to say,
Our crowds were bigger on the day.”

“We’ve seen those numbers and we’ve found,
Your numbers are the wrong way round;
Of what you’re saying here out loud,
A man called Goebbels would be proud.”

“Don’t dare insult me in that way,
Or you’ll not be allowed to stay!
You will believe me without fail,
Or else we’ll fight you tooth and nail.

For we are right and what I say,
On this or any other day,
Must not be questioned by you hacks –
They’re simply alternative facts.”

“Alternative facts! What are those?
It sounds to me in verse or prose,
That such a phrase means really lies,
Perhaps dressed up in some disguise.

And don’t think people will be fooled,
For some of them have been well-schooled,
You will not fool them every day,
And in the end they’ll make you pay!”

Image – Wikipedia