DAMN!

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It is reported that England has lost the semi-final of the World Cup in Moscow, waistcoats or not.

The England team did really well,
As any football fan will tell:
They won their matches all along,
But, in this last, they took too long,
To get the goals they had to score,
So their opponents then had more.

The goals they did score were so good,
If you’ve not seen them then you should;
The headers were extremely fine –
Exciting as they crossed the line.

But only one can win the match,
If not then there would be a catch;
The winners should have greatest skill,
But also in a game there will,
Be lots of luck with shots and aim,
Affecting who will win the game.

And one thing that can’t be denied,
Is, though they didn’t win, they tried,
And did far better with the score,
Than predecessors had before.

Croatia therefore won the day,
Good luck when they the final play,
But maybe they should up their game,
And not the opposition maim!

RUSSIA 2018

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It is reported that FIFA and the Russians may be covering up drugs test results in the World Cup; suspicions have been raised owing to Russia’s atypical and spectacular performance in their opening games.

The Russian team, it has been said,
Is really very badly led,
And though they would be playing first,
Of hosting countries they’re the worst.

But then they played the opening game,
And then their second – much the same;
They won them both, eight in the net,
The best an opening host’s done yet.

So far, so good; suspicious though,
Because as far as numbers go,
The players in the opening match,
Might have seemed pretty hard to catch.

They ran so fast throughout the game,
And then their distance, much the same,
Was faster than host teams before,
And not because of shoes they wore.

Suspicions now surround the squad,
Because it seems distinctly odd,
That they have got such skills on tap,
When their performance should be crap.

So questions have by now been asked,
Of the officials who are tasked,
With sample testing to disclose,
Of Russian players, which of those,
Had positive tests without doubt,
And really should have been thrown out.

But drug officials will not say,
Whom they did test or on which day,
So then as long as players play,
Suspicions will not go away.

So if you watch the game beware,
There might be goings on back there,
And be suspicious if you read,
That Russia played at breakneck speed.

POSTMAN PAT

Postman Pat

It is reported that Royal Mail has banned the flying of England flags on their vans during the World Cup.

The World Cup is now under way,
So there might be a lot to say,
About the games, who scores the most,
And also ’bout the Russian host.

For politics comes on the scene,
And though I don’t like to be mean,
One must refer to just a few
Things that the Russians like to do.

You will know of all these, of course:
Invading countries, small, by force,
Nerve agent to infect a man,
And hacking everything they can.

But what of dear old Postman Pat,
I haven’t said too much of that,
But as he drives along the street,
With all his addressees to meet,
He’s wondering now if he can,
Fly England’s flag upon his van.

He puts one up, it flies so high,
That Mrs Potts says, “My oh my!”
But Pat’s boss at the GPO,
Says, “Oh my gosh, it’s no, no, no!

We can’t fly flags from our red vans,
It’s one of our long-standing bans;
The reason is, you have to see,
A problem with H S and E.

The safety problem’s always there,
Just like your wheels which have a spare,
And so your big red and white flag,
Will have to stay packed in its bag.”

Pat said, “Well, now, that is a shame,
I’d hoped we’d do well in the game,
And that the flag I’m flying high,
Might Mr Putin terrify.”

SO FAR SO GOOD

World cup flags

It is reported that England won its first World Cup match by two goals to one against Tunisia, both scored by Harry Kane, the second goal right at the end of the match. Hooray!

It’s commonplace in the World Cup,
When England plays there’s something up,
That always stops them winning games,
Despite a raft of famous names.

The players’ faces may turn puce,
Depending what is the excuse,
Or maybe what spectators shout,
Before the team then gets kicked out.

And then it’s back home in disgrace,
No open bus, just crowds to face,
And someone, somewhere bound to whine,
“Maybe they’ll better do next time.”

But this year, goodness, a surprise!
Their first match looked it would be tied,
And then the forward, Harry Kane,
Already one goal to his name,
Headed the ball into the net –
A goal he’ll likely not forget.

He did it all in stoppage time,
Which is so difficult to rhyme,
And therefore my achievement is,
Without a doubt no less than his.

So watch the next games hoping that,
Kane can do a trick of the hat,
Or something like it but not worse,
Then come and read it here in verse.

VIDEO REF

Football school

It is reported that parents are using video recordings to challenge referee decisions on school sports days.

Sports played at school should be for fun,
And that is how they should be run,
With teachers being referees,
But that can some parents displease.

The problem is the parents stand,
With cameras and iPhones in hand;
They film the whole lot blow by blow,
Then tell the ref where he can go.

The ref ignores them, he’s no fool,
He knows that he’s in charge at school,
But parents might the pitch invade –
A step that can be retrograde.

They hold their phones, they stand around,
The referee, though, stands his ground,
And as they let their cameras roll,
They argue if it was a goal.

The ref’s polite, he has to be,
He might admit he didn’t see,
But there upon the field of play,
It doesn’t matter anyway.

For the ref has the final word,
If not it would be quite absurd,
And all the parents who did scoff,
Will now be by the ref sent off.

So if your child is playing sport,
And this applies to any sort,
Just let them play, you bide your time,
And have another glass of wine.

And if you’ve brought too much for you,
The ref would likely want one too!

A FRIDGE TOO FAR

London Marathon

It is reported that the day of the London Marathon this year (22 April 2018) is forecast to be the hottest ever for the event and the organisers are concerned that some runners may overheat if they continue the tradition of dressing up in silly costumes and carrying fridges.

The London Marathon’s a race,
Where runners compete for a place,
So they can run around the streets,
As for the title each competes.

The fastest runners take the lead,
Run round the course at breakneck speed;
They train a lot, know what to wear,
And hope it’s not too hot but fair.

But others, who are not so wise,
Wear anything of any size,
And any who are really thick,
Might dress up like a spotted dick.

The problem for them is the heat,
For when it’s hot they should compete,
Dressed in a tee shirt, matching shorts –
That’s how they should themselves comport.

If they do they should be OK,
At least for competition day,
But if it’s hot they ought to tarry,
And certainly no fridges carry!

INSIDE TRACK?

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It is reported that a research study by the Universities of Bath and Sheffield has found that athletes running in the inside lanes in 200 and 400 metre sprints will have longer times that those in the outside lanes.

In track events, as you well know,
When starter tells them all to go,
’Cos organisers are quite smart,
The outer lanes get a head start.

This is set so that everyone,
Then has the same distance to run,
And as around the track they tear,
Most everybody thinks it’s fair.

But not so fast, it’s now been found,
That as a runner comes around,
A bend that’s sharper he must lean,
More than the ones who can be seen,
There on the wider outside lane,
And so, in fact, it’s not the same.

The extra leaning must be done,
Because, although it would be fun,
The runners should not leave the course,
Because of centrifugal force.

And leaning has a small effect,
As runners try to stay erect:
When they the corner come around,
Their feet stay longer on the ground.

The difference may seem rather slight,
Point one eight seconds would be right,
For a two hundred metre race,
But different for a steeplechase.

So now it’s known, what can be done,
Because these races should be run,
Without a bias built in so,
That inside runners will be slow.

The simple answer’s to adjust,
The staggered start and then, I trust,
The bias then will be all gone,
And will be fair for everyone.