THE LAST STRAW!

milkshake

It is reported that McDonald’s new paper straws cannot be recycled, unlike the old plastic ones they replaced.

“McDonald’s here, you know we said,
That plastic straws both white and red,
Would be replaced with paper types,
To be recycled, ending gripes.

We’ve tried it now, it doesn’t work,
And staff have almost gone berserk;
They keep them separate then are told,
We can’t now get new straws from old.

We tried so hard, you won’t believe,
The other things we have achieved,
But in the case of drinking straws,
The reason for this is because,
We’ve had to make them extra thick,
’Cos you don’t drink your milk shakes quick.

So really it is not our fault,
This back to plastic by default,
And earth can’t come back from the brink,
Till you more quickly drink your drink.”

VORSPRUNG DURCH … KAPUTT

plane

It is reported that The Luftwaffe has so many of its aircraft waiting for spare parts or repairs that German pilots cannot even get any flying practice.

The Germans ought to be ashamed,
That their Air Force has just been named,
As quite incompetent for it,
Is not exactly fighting fit.

It bought some planes but they can’t fly,
And if you ask the reason why,
They’ll say they can’t go on a fahrt,
Because they’re lacking some spare part.

If they can’t fly they cannot fight,
Which some might think is quite all right,
Considering what people know,
Of things now eighty years ago.

But now in this new day and age,
When history has turned the page,
The Krauts are supposed to pull their weight,
So enemies they can berate.

But this they are not keen to do,
They do spend euros – just a few –
But when it come to their defence,
They don’t go in for much expense.

‘Vorsprung durch technik’ as they say,
But even if they think that way,
And though it’s still one of their aims,
It seems it doesn’t work for planes!

CASH MACHINE, OCH AYE THA NOO

cashpoint

It is reported that Britain’s remotest cash machine at Durness, Sutherland, north west Scotland has been closed leaving residents and tourists with a 100 mile round trip to use another. So better to get a wee bit o’ cash beforehand and stick tae it; an we’re in the reet place for that!

The Scots like money, that is true,
They stick to it, och aye tha noo,
But do they spend it? It a fact,
There’s not much evidence for that.

But even though they don’t spend much,
On tartan kilts and trews and such,
They always like most every day,
To keep a few notes tucked away.

And that’s the problem, I am sure,
The notes required were getting fewer,
And so the bank that did dispense,
Found it no longer made much sense,
To keep the cashpoint counting right,
Through every morning, noon and night.

And so along with other cuts,
No consultation, ifs or buts,
This cash machine, now little used,
Has had its last reprieve refused.

There is a moral to this verse,
Which is that things can’t get much worse,
Than when Scots can’t get notes – a few –
To show they stick to them like glue!

HANDS OFF!

escalator-2740164_960_720

It is reported that a recent survey by the University of East London has found that there are Lots of bacteria lurking on ticket machines, escalators, lifts, cash machines, handrails, door handles, soap dispensers, lavatories and many other surfaces that we touch as we go about every day. Surprised or not?

Most of us really ought to know,
That as around the place we go,
Unless we’re maybe in Japan,
All things are not quite spick and span.

“It’s obvious,” I hear you say,
“Because, I would think, of the way,
We touch things all the time so we,
Will dirty them to some degree.”

It would help if we washed our hands,
With soap and water (any brands)
But now I think I recollect,
This really won’t have much effect,
Lest everybody has the aim,
Of doing pretty much the same.

But numbers really are too great,
In which case we might meet our fate,
Succumbing to a bad disease,
Unless, of course, we’re Japanese!

But don’t despair, just do your best,
Try not to get too much depressed;
For centuries it has been so –
It’s really just the status quo!

APPTY McAPPFACE

indexyeltsin

It is reported that FaceApp invites you to see what you will look like as you grow older (would anyone really want to know?) in return for giving the Russian organisation behind it “a perpetual, irrevocable, non-exclusive, royalty-free, worldwide, fully paid, transferable, sub-licensable licence – boring! – to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, publicly perform and display your User Content and any name, username or likeness provided in connection with your User Content in all media formats and channels now known or later developed without compensation to you.” (Did you not notice this when you signed up?) And if you think all that would never happen then why bother to put it in?

If you have looked you might have seen,
A new app on your mobile screen;
It takes your face that you upload,
And then by use of clever code,
It changes it so as to mould
It to the shape you’ll be when old.

To me it not apparent why,
How you look just before you die,
Is something you might want to see,
Not even if it’s all for free.

For even if you dress your best,
And look much better than the rest,
You really should avoid it lest,
The whole thing just makes you depressed.

But other people are concerned,
That you might have your bridges burned,
When you signed up to Ts and Cs –
Just press the button, it’s a breeze.

These give the Russians freedom to,
Do anything they want to do,
With your face which they now control,
Which could be awkward on the whole.

Imagine, for example, if,
Sometime ere you become a stiff,
It’s used to purchase a passport,
Or other object of that sort.

Maybe I could elaborate,
Point out, perhaps, some foreign state,
Might find a use for such as this,
Because you have been so remiss.

Will all this happen? Who’s to say?
It’s possible, though, by the way,
That all the world – you and the rest –
Might all get terribly depressed.

And maybe that would undermine,
Nations which then go in decline,
And maybe, I suggest to you,
That’s what the Russians want to do.

So do be careful what you sign,
For terms can sometimes be malign,
And the face with which you’ve been imbued,
Might just be better left unviewed.

IT’S WELSH, BOYO

ammeter-29643_960_720

It is reported that the smart meters of energy company Bulb have started displaying information in Welsh.

Smart meters have a chequered past,
It’s not so clear if they will last,
And it’s embarrassing to say,
That many still don’t work today.

The biggest problem seems to be,
If customers decide to flee,
From one supplier to one new,
The meters can get in a stew.

Some meters go from smart to dumb,
Mistaken readings and then some,
And might perhaps affect the way,
They calculate what one should pay.

But now another problem’s here,
Which really is so very queer:
Some meters are showing details,
In words you only find in Wales.

To most folk this is double Dutch,
They do not understand it much,
Especially if they reside,
Not even in Wales but outside.

There is an answer though, I think,
Which is to first abstain from drink,
And then to choose the language by,
Consulting menus that apply.

There is a problem though, but slight,
And you might not quite get it right,
Because these menus aren’t so swell –
They’re only shown in Welsh as well!

LEAKS OR LEEKS

leek-4059802_960_720

It is reported that the Royal Navy’s new aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth has sprung a leak; it might be wise to check that her sister ship HMS Prince of Wales is leek free.

The new QE has sprung a leak,
She’s flooding slowly as I speak,
But very slowly, so I think,
That it’s unlikely she will sink.

She’s on her way back into port,
Where engineers then will sort
Out what the problem seems to be,
So she can sail back out to sea.

Some info, though, has been revealed:
A pipe that once was well concealed,
Has burst and filled the galley up,
So sailors now can’t eat or sup.

But the QE is not alone,
Because the next one on the Throne,
Has a ship too that bears his name,
And which is pretty much the same.

And so the Navy must make sure,
That now they have just one ship fewer,
The other one can sail and fight,
Which means she must be watertight.

So check the galley for a leek,
So she will not be up the creek,
But given this ship’s name I’d say.
They ought to do this right away.