MOPED MADNESS

 

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It is reported that a gang of moped thieves in south-west London who attacked a lady with a child were attacked and beaten off by two builders wielding scaffolding poles. Unfortunately, they do not appear to have suffered any injuries.

The scourge of moped thieves is on,
They steal your phone and then they’re gone,
And if you’re lucky, you survive –
They don’t always leave you alive.

They’re always able to surprise,
So anyone remotely wise,
Will keep their phone well out of sight,
But many of us aren’t that bright.

We walk along the road or street,
By means of to-and-fro-ing feet,
(Those are the things on which we stand)
While holding the phone in our hand.

And then we find out to our cost,
The phone has gone and now it’s lost,
Wrenched out of our left hand, in fact,
While we had no time to react.

But recently, I have to say,
The robbers didn’t get their way,
For builders who saw what they stole,
Then chased them with a scaffold pole.

The thieves then ran away, of course,
From this impromptu show of force,
And while their victim was relieved,
No injuries did they receive.

Will this deter them? Maybe not,
Builders aren’t found at every spot;
So you should keep a lookout and,
Not walk with your phone in your hand.

NO SPACE FOR VOMIT

Sick cartoon

It is reported that a NASA astronaut has said that she expects rich celebrities who are planning a space trip with Virgin Galactica or some similar space travel company to spend most of their time being sick; and in space the vomit generally has nowhere to go.

A trip in space sounds really good,
If you don’t want one then you should,
At least rich people think that way –
They’ve paid to go up there one day.

They likely think it’s like first class,
Based on how much they’ve paid in cash,
But astronauts say, “Do beware!
It’s pretty rough when you’re up there.

You may find it seems like a trick,
With time spent mostly being sick,
And when you’re sick in space, you know,
It really has nowhere to go.”

So if you go in space beware,
It isn’t like first class up there,
Or even like a budget fare,
With somebody like Ryanair.

CYBERLIGHTS

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It is reported that Russia may be able to hack Britain’s traffic lights and cause chaos on the roads. Have they no ambition? They could try something a bit more challenging!

Remember traffic lights on red,
Mean do not go or you’ll be dead,
Whereas if they have turned to green,
Proceed with caution’s what they mean,

That’s just the basic kind of light,
Which isn’t really all that bright,
But some exponents of the art,
Are frequently described as smart.

These smart lights are quite good, all told,
And by some centre are controlled,
So that they change throughout the day,
In order then to speed your way.

A problem, though, has come to light,
For when he’s spoiling for a fight,
The Russian leader might decide,
To try to make our cars collide.

It’s pretty simple, it would seem:
The lights would all be turned to green,
And then a lot would likely crash,
And be turned into so much trash.

It’s like a version of fake news,
Designed to normal folk confuse,
With red and green, I think you’ll find,
A sort of extreme colourblind.

Then on TV in Russian bars,
They could all watch these dodgem cars,
Because to keep his fans on track,
He also might the cameras hack.

ROBOT GARDENERS

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It is reported that robot gardeners that automatically plant, weed, hoe and water are being developed.

A garden is a pleasant place,
Where one can sit with perfect grace,
With sandwiches, a glass of wine –
A lovely way to pass the time.

But backstage hard work is afoot,
With lawns and bushes to be cut;
Plants to be planted, weeds to pull –
A gardener’s life is never dull.

Not dull but it could be improved,
If major tasks could be removed,
For friendly robots to take on,
So that the worst of it is gone.

As luck would have it there will soon,
Be in the shops a gardener’s boon:
A robot which can plant and weed,
So gardeners can from such be freed.

I’ll vote for that, it sounds quite good,
Will do the leg work as it should,
And I will then have much more time,
To stuff my face and drink more wine!

CHINESE WHISPERS

Alexa

It is reported that researchers have devised a way of hacking Amazon’s Alexa thingy by giving it secret, high-pitched, whispered commands which are inaudible to the human ear over general noise levels.

“Alexa, your hearing is good,
And so you hear all that you should,
Which makes it easy then for me,
To give commands you will agree.

But some now say it is too good,
And you might hear more than you should,
Then if a hacker talks to you,
You might do what he tells you to.

He’ll talk in whispers, mainly shrill,
(You’ll think it’s me and that I’m ill),
And you might then do something rash,
Like giving him a load of cash.”

Now Amazon (Alexa’s dad),
Says, “Things like this are very bad.
We do all things to make quite sure,
Alexa here will be secure.”

“I do not want to be a pest,
But my question you’ve not addressed;
How will you now prevent these hacks,
Or is security too lax?”

“In truth, we really don’t yet know,
So maybe now we ought to go,
And so we can complete this task,
Perhaps we should our daughter ask!”

Image – methodshop.com

VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK? MAYBE NOT

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It is reported that the German Air Force has only four fully serviceable Eurofighter aircraft. Unfortunately it is not 1939 any more.

These days we’re getting lots of talk,
About rich countries which won’t fork
Out as much as they really ought,
For NATO – some are close to nought.

And there within this list we see,
Is very wealthy Germany,
Which does its best now to defend,
Its pretty paltry rate of spend.

So it should come as no surprise,
To learn, though the Luftwaffe tries,
That it with problems is beset,
And only has four fighter jets,
That it could any day produce,
And suitable for combat use.

In decades past that would be fine,
Like back in 1939,
But most things have moved on since then,
And should there be a war again,
Though something that one can’t abide,
The Germans should be on our side.

So they should pull their finger out,
And with their economic clout,
Increase their spending so that they,
Have more planes working from today.

With that done they can take their share,
Defending Europe in the air,
And that then should be their intent,
Once rid of this embarrassment.

TICKED OFF

Clock

It is reported that schools are finding that some teenagers have difficulty telling the time with a traditional clock and so they are putting digital clocks in examination rooms so as not to disadvantage the thickies.

I thought most folk could tell the time,
Though most clocks work in prose, not rhyme,
But some teenagers in the land,
Find it quite hard to understand,
The analogue type of clock face,
Which, at their age, is a disgrace.

You see clocks like this all around,
Some silent, others make a sound,
But I suppose you have to do,
Some urgent sums if you want to,
See what, in minutes, it is past,
The hour the hand was showing last.

So one means five and two means ten,
This carries on till thirty when,
The time switches from ‘past’ to ‘to’,
Which makes the sum more hard to do.

So maybe this the problem is,
And why the teens get in a tizz,
As sitting there they start to clam,
In middle of a maths exam.

But Latin scholars get ahead,
Because, as I have not yet said,
A lot of clocks have Is and Vs,
Which most of them can read with ease.

But even Latin speakers will,
Not get it right because they still,
Although they mostly are not dumb,
Have problems with that simple sum.

So what to do? Should we re-train,
Teenagers to improve the brain?
Or is it only we old crocs,
Who don’t need digits on the clocks?