ONE IS AGAST!

Aga_gc3

It is reported that new AGA cookers which are fitted with electronics so that they can be operated remotely from a phone can be hacked.

An Aga’s a fantastic beast,
It can bake bread with flour and yeast,
And as I’m authorised to tell,
It will cook other things as well.

But Agas really are quite old,
Though very lovely to behold,
And now the makers, somewhat late,
Are bringing them right up to date.

They’re fitting chips – not ones you fry –
So that you can with beady eye,
Check with your smartphone if it’s new,
And tell the oven what to do.

The oven’s programmed to obey,
And will do everything you say,
No matter soufflé, roast or pud,
It will then cook it as it should.

But now a problem doth appear,
It seems some have been acting queer,
And now the problem has been tracked,
It looks as if some have been hacked.

So when you are on your way back,
And you find out there’s been a hack,
Your caviar with artichoke,
Might well have just gone up in smoke!

Image – Wikimedia commons

DRAGGED KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO THE MIDDLE AGES

Vellum

It is reported that the House of Lords wants to end the age-old practice of printing Acts of Parliament on vellum and to be bang up to date by printing them on paper instead but the House of Commons disagrees and wants to continue the ancient practice.

You may not know but p’rhaps you do,
That all laws and there are a few,
Are printed not on paper but,
On vellum which is leather cut,
From calf-skin which has had a wash,
And really is extremely posh.

But now the House of Lords says, “No!
This ancient practice has to go.
Anachronism’s what we say,
So print on paper from today.”

The Commons says, “You’re thinking small,
Traditions like this suit us all;
You know that vellum doesn’t tear,
And cost is neither here nor there.”

The Lords replies,“Move with the times!
Paper is good for prose or rhymes;
To say it’s untried isn’t true,
’Cos paper’s not exactly new.

And it will show folk that we know,
What’s new in the tech. world and so,
They’ll realise, we think you find,
That we will not be left behind.”

The two houses could not agree,
So compromised to some degree,
And changed to paper, heavy gauge,
For all except the cover page.

So that’s the story, they’ve come far,
And it’s good our lawmakers are,
Emerging from the ages dark;
But listen well and my words mark,
It’s now two thousand seventeen so,
They might still have some way to go.

Image – Wikimedia commons

BUGGERS (ONES WHO BUG)

GCHQ satellite dishes

It is reported that GCHQ, MI5 and the CIA can spy on people through their televisions and smart phones.

Next time you watch the BBC,
Or any free or pay TV,
You should be careful what you say,
For people who are far away,
Might just be watching what you do,
And who it is you’re talking to.

For we’ve just learnt the CIA,
And agencies in the UK,
Can hack your TV, mobile too,
So that they can then spy on you.

It also works when they’re turned off,
So when you have all had enough,
Of all that guff that’s on TV,
Your words still may not private be.

So with all this what best to do?
You could go ask GCHQ,
But what they say will be no use,
Unless the spokesman’s face turns puce.

So probably you’re on your own,
When facing your TV or phone;
If you’re a terrorist or Trot.,
Perhaps you’d better ditch the lot.

But then they might suspicious be,
If you’re without phone or TV,
So just keep schtum as aforesaid,
Or shout rude words at them instead!

Image – Wikimedia commons

ROBOT NHS

Chatbot

It is reported that the NHS is experimenting with a chatbot for diagnosing complaints (of a medical nature).

“Hello, hello, I’m 1 – 1 – 1,
My other patient has just gone,
She started to get on my wick,
But sticking plaster did the trick.

But on to you, all boxes ticked,
So we’ll soon have your problem licked;
I see no headache, that is good,
You’ve taken aspirin as you should,
And when you sit there is no pain,
Until you then get up again.

Your skin is fine, you have no rash,
But if around the room you dash,
You are quite wobbly on your pins –
That’s after six or seven gins.

Let’s focus on the legs now please,
You say they’re fine and bend with ease,
But then your heel like Achilles,
Is that you seem to have three knees.

Since these last four lines all do rhyme,
We’ve used up almost all our time,
And this does now the question beg,
Have you perhaps a broken leg?

If that is so we must act fast,
Don’t bother with Elastoplast,
But try to get to A&E,
Where they will patch you up for free.

I’ll tell them that you’re on your way,
So they’ll have someone there today,
But do get there while still alive –
So maybe better not to drive!”

Image – cmswire.com

ALL STEAMED UP

hacking

It is reported that smart devices connected to the internet can be hacked by people like the Russians.

It seems we’re in for more treats yet,
Courtesy of the internet,
As lots of items in the home,
Will respond to a mobile phone.

The kettle, toaster, wash machine,
And other things that keep us clean,
Fridges and freezers, TVs too,
And even those hot guns that glue.

They all can be turned off or on,
By very nearly anyone,
Who might have access to our phone,
Or who knows how to hack or clone.

As always, Russia is to blame,
The ones in Moscow just the same,
“But why,” you ask, “should they want to,
Turn on our kettles, toasters too?”

The reason I’d say, more or less,
Might simply be to cause distress,
But if lots act at once perhaps,
The power grid might just collapse.

So good advice we should now heed,
Which is we really do not need,
The toaster to start up while we,
Are outside fumbling for our key.

And if we wait ’til we’re inside,
A rule of thumb can be our guide,
We’d have to wait three mins. at most,
Before we get our buttered toast.

And so to Putin I would say,
“If you feel like a hack today,
Just leave the lamp off by my bed,
And put the Hoover on instead!”

Image: – Wikimedia commons

ECHO ECHO

amazon-echo

It is reported that Amazon’s Echo voice activated thingy can be activated by television programmes and automatically order goods mentioned on screen.

If you’ve an Echo then beware,
It looks quite pretty sitting there,
But do be careful what you say,
For it is listening night and day.

And if it thinks someone like you,
Is issuing instructions too,
It will attempt, or so they say,
To carry them out right away.

But Echo isn’t very bright,
And doesn’t always get it right,
It can mistake what someone means,
And buy a thousand tins of beans.

When they arrive you scratch your head,
’Cos you prefer tinned peas instead,
But you’ve no choice you have to pay,
For they were ordered yesterday.

If that is bad it can get worse,
A challenge for the largest purse,
For Echo really cannot say,
If what it hears from day to day,
Is spoken live by you or me,
Or simply comes from the TV.

So when the adverts come on screen,
The Echo might think that they mean,
That everything shown should be bought,
Which means spending more than you ought.

So check your bank cards with great care,
To see what Echo’s spending where,
It’s better to be rich than skint,
So don’t let Echo spend a mint!

Image – Flickr

SNORE NO MORE

snoring-quote

It is reported that a bed has been invented which prevents snoring by adjusting the sleeper’s position when any snoring is detected.

A bed has been invented which,
Does nothing to prevent an itch,
But where this new bed really scores,
Is when it hears your husband’s snores.

No doubt by now I have upset,
Some people who aren’t married yet,
And would prefer it if I said,
‘Your partner snores’ herein instead.

But I’m old fashioned though I try,
Not to annoy my readers by,
Discussing what they do in bed,
Apart from snoring aforesaid.

So back to what I want to write,
About the snoring in the night,
Which is that when the bed detects,
The start of snoring it deflects,
And raises up the pillow so,
The snoring noise is wont to go.

But if this gentle tilting fails,
The second option then entails,
A rattling which is more severe,
The better to the airways clear.

And finally, should it get worse,
And make your partner swear and curse,
There is a special lever for,
Tipping the snorer on the floor.

So that is it, three levels of,
Severity in this, my blog,
To deal with snorers, mostly male,
Including those half-cut on ale.

Image – Flickr