COMING, WONKY OR NOT!

Vegetables-29063

It is reported that harvesting robots are being developed which will pick vegetables individually and put an end to overripe, underripe and generally wonky vegetables.

If you, like me, like veg just right,
Then pity farmers in their plight,
For plants all vary ’cross the fields,
Both quality and also yields.

They also grow at different speeds,
So post the sowing of the seeds,
And after months of rain and sun,
Just some of them are ripe and done,
While others, in a cooler clime,
Perhaps might need a bit more time.

At present, in the tractors come,
They pull the lot out and then some,
So all are treated much the same,
Which really is a dreadful shame.

For some are underripe, some more,
The latter difficult to store,
So much of it is thrown away,
On each and every working day.

And then there’s wonky veg as well,
Not perfect as I can now tell,
But nonetheless still good to eat,
And taste-wise pretty hard to beat.

But fret no more, help is at hand,
For farmers all across the land,
May soon have robots which can see,
And pick veg individually.

They’ll check the carrot and the spud,
To see the shape is really good,
And if the ripeness is in spec,
They’ll pick it with a final check.

So all the veg should be just so,
And ready to the shops to go,
Then when you eat your Sunday lunch.
You know it’s the best of the bunch.

Image – Max Pixel

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WONDERWEAR

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It is reported that farmers can tell the quality of the soil in their fields by burying pairs of underpants and seeing how quickly they rot. Lord preserve us!

A farmer can be rather tight,
But heads are always screwed on right,
And as regards a compost heap,
The whole thing must be very cheap.

The compost is spread on the fields,
With purpose to improve their yields;
And so to get the best effect,
The farmer always must inspect,
The soil to see which parts are poor,
Then on that bit he’ll put some more.

Inspection, though, can cost a lot,
He will avoid it, like as not,
And then his fertiliser spread,
Won’t be right on the flower bed.

But now one farmer, who is bright,
Says underpants, both loose and tight,
If buried in a field that’s square,
Will show you two months later where,
The soil is good and where it’s dead,
So you know where to compost spread.

You bury them, then two months on,
When you might want, again, the john,
You dig them up and if intact,
It very likely means, in fact,
The soil right there is just like clay,
And won’t grow much, including hay.

But if they’ve rotted, are not there,
And if you’ve compost going spare,
Just spread it where the pants survived,
So that that field, as well, will thrive.

And that is it, it’s very cheap,
Makes best use of your compost heap;
You’ll make more money, there’s the rub,
And you can spend it down the pub!

FACEBOOK FACEDOWN

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It is reported that The Government wants Facebook to limit the amount of time children waste – sorry, spend – on its site.

Facebook’s a website, you may know,
It’s where young people like to go,
To interact and talk on line,
And generally spend their time.

The time they spend can be a lot,
As if, somehow, they all forgot,
That other things in life exist,
Like going out and getting p****d.

It isn’t clear, I just don’t know,
If Facebook means that kids don’t go,
Out doing antisocial things,
Like getting drunk and having flings.

But Government is now alarmed,
For numbers said to have self-harmed,
Have been increasing and they think,
There might just be a causal link,
With how much of their time they spend,
Talking to one or other friend.

Some ‘Facebook friends’ might be all right,
Have been, at some point, in their sight,
But others that they do not know,
Might be some sort of weirdo.

So warning signs might pop up which,
Facebook could do without a hitch;
And signs like this might then suggest,
It really would be for the best,
To put away their phone or screen,
And go elsewhere to vent their spleen.

APPLE GRUMBLE

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It is reported that Apple is soon to release three new iPhones, one of them with an expected price tag of over £1000; but there are concerns as to whether it has sufficient in the way of new features to justify this high price.

You’ve heard of Apple – not the fruit –
They used to be thought quite astute,
In selling phones that people liked;
But now the price is further hiked,
Although the products are still nice,
One wonders if they’re worth the price.

The screen is bigger – well, maybe –
Which makes it easier to see,
And then the camera’s been improved,
With any problems now removed.

And finally, a touch of class:
The chassis will be made of glass,
Which given the fate of most screens,
Is guaranteed to make you scream!

For Cinderella learnt before,
That glass things contacting the floor,
Can get a rather nasty bash,
And end up as just so much trash.

But Apple doesn’t know the score,
They only read one tale before,
And that involved an apple where,
Some seven dwarfs were in despair,
Until a princeling with an app,
Turned round and gave the girl a tap.

This did the trick, the girl awoke,
And in a jiffy duly spoke:
“How did you find me on your own?
I bet you had to use your phone,
But I thought that the satnav app,
Was really, truly, total crap.”

“Indeed it is, I did get lost,
Then I found out for modest cost,
I could avoid this load of crap,
By use of Ordnance Survey map.

So I’ve no need of iPhone 10,
Can use maps time and time again,
And with the money saved I hope,
The two of us might now elope!”

E-TYPE JAG

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It is reported that Jaguar has made an electric version of the iconic E-Type which would seem to show incredible foresight in whoever named it all those years ago.

We’ve all heard of the Jag Type E,
Which often is held out to be,
The whole world’s most attractive car,
And better than the rest by far.

In sixties, seventies it was made,
About one and a half decade,
And then, sadly, production ceased –
The end of that great masterpiece.

But now they’re making them again,
Though with a different power train;
Instead of pistons one plus five,
They’ve given it electric drive.

So where the engine used to sit,
The space is filled up – every bit –
With boring-looking battery packs,
That won’t appeal to anoraks,
But do, in fact, at any rate,
Allow it to accelerate,
One second faster than before,
With pedal pressed down to the floor.

So could this car turn out to be,
What everybody wants to see,
As cars move on electrically,
Abandoning the ICE*.

I s’pose that only time will tell,
But maybe if you are heeled well,
You could afford three hundred thou,
And make do with this one for now!

* Internal combustion engine

THE FLYING PAINTBRUSH

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It is reported that Boeing has flown its latest 787-8 Dreamliner aeroplane with Rolls-Royce engines for 15766 miles and over 17 hours in a route tracing out the shape of the plane over the United States.

The Boeing people are quite smart,
And one or two are good at art,
So when they thought they’d like to show,
How far their new airplane would go,
With Rolls-Royce engines, slimline wings,
Computers that control all things,
They thought they’d get the plane to draw,
Its outline as they made it soar,
Up in the sky in the US,
Just guaranteed then to impress.

They set off in the afternoon,
Not planning to return too soon;
For seventeen hours they stayed aloft,
Flown by computerware that’s soft,
And after sixteen thousand miles,
Their faces filled with big broad smiles,
As the plane landed, “Did it?”, “Yes!”
A sign of all the team’s success.

The picture thus drawn in the sky
Which showed the route the plane did fly,
Was then released to the world’s press,
So all could print it, more or less.

This was a gimmick, that’s for sure,
But one that likely will endure,
To be recorded in folklore,
As one that’s not been done before.

They can be proud of what they’ve done,
One big achievement undergone,
For it’s quite difficult to fly,
For that time non-stop in the sky.

The plane and engines passed the test,
Because they are the very best,
So maybe the next time you fly,
You should a Boeing specify!

“But what of Airbus?” You may yell.
At this stage I just cannot tell,
But if some clever thing they do,
I’ll write a verse about that too.

Image – FlightAware.

FOSSIL DEATH!

Nissan LEAF

It is reported that the Government proposes to ban the sale of new diesel and petrol cars from 2040.

If you have got a diesel car,
You really don’t know where you are,
One time they were so very clean,
And now they’re better off unseen.

In ten short years the view has changed,
Priorities been rearranged,
And whereas once low CO2,
Was quite the wisest thing to do,
The view that is now orthodox,
Is that it’s best to have less NOx.

So up steps the electric car,
They may not go so very far,
But they are really so discreet,
While driving down the city street.

That is because, as you well know,
There’s no emissions on the go,
But still there is some CO2 –
It’s just it’s nowhere near you.

Then in just over twenty years,
The Government says it prefers,
Electric only to be sold,
The cleaner to the air behold.

No longer will we cough and wheeze,
Risk extinction of the species,
And with such wonderful foresight,
Then everything should be all right.

But wait! Perhaps things are amiss,
The Government is behind this,
And when HMG gets involved,
It rarely is a problem solved.

So watch this column if you would,
’Twill say if things are bad or good;
We pray that all will not be lost,
But do please keep your fingers crossed!

Image – Richard Kelly / Flickr