WOBBLE WEEK

Jelly cartoon

It is reported that the Conservative general election campaign wobbled on the now proposed cap on care costs, British Airways had a problem with a wobbly computer, Angela Merkel said that the support of the USA and the UK in NATO was wobbly and Shadow Foreign Secretary Diane Abbott talked about wobbles with her hairstyle and words.

We have just had a wobbly week,
With several things right up the creek,
And people getting quite upset,
Because some might their jobs lose yet.

The first in line was Mrs May,
Because she did omit to say,
That people paying for their care,
Would not need to be worried where,
The money would come from for they,
Would have a cap on what they pay.

Next up was British Airways which,
Reported a computer glitch,
They didn’t really explain why,
But think it might be power supply.

Their flights were cancelled – nearly all –
Their share price went into free-fall,
And travellers – thousands and more –
We’re sleeping on the airport floor.

Then Mrs Merkel comes on scene,
In Italy with Trump she’s been,
And she announced to some dismay,
That though she doesn’t pay her way,
On NATO she could not rely,
But would not further clarify.

And finally Ms Abbott who,
Is often changing her hairdo,
Said former comments which were vile,
Were said with a different hairstyle,
And ’cos her hair was different now,
That made it all all right somehow.

So let your watchword be ‘Take care’,
When you are speaking live on air,
Whatever you do or don’t say,
Will come to haunt you all one day!

GRIDLOCK

Traffic jam

It is reported that a record number of cars are expected to be on the roads over the bank holiday weekend.

Bank holidays are here again,
Those long and lazy weekends when,
The British people stay away,
From work for just one extra day.

Some people stay at home en masse,
They clean the car or cut the grass,
But others don’t, I have to say,
They pack their bags and go away.

At least ‘away’ is their intent,
But much of ‘going’ will be spent,
Deciding which route they should use,
Or standing in the airport queues.

Nevertheless when they arrive,
The family must hope and strive,
To all enjoy the time left now,
And not to get into a row.

For stressful journeys in the heat,
Can sometimes be less than a treat,
And some people will always moan,
Until it’s time to go back home.

So let your watchword be, ‘Take care’,
When you set off by road or air,
It’s better if not much is said,
Or you could stay at home instead!

Image – Ted Kerwin / Flickr

OFF YOUR TROLLEY!

shopping trolley cartoon

It is reported that the AA has suggested that supermarkets and other organisations might sponsor our roads and motorways.

“Now greetings on your trip today,
Before you start we’d like to day,
That we’ll be staying at your side,
And happily will be your guide.

We’ve sponsored this, the road you’ll take,
Using your throttle, clutch and brake,
And our job is to ease your way,
As you go on your holiday.

So first the motorway you join,
There’s no need for a trolley coin,
And if your car quite different feels,
It’s ’cos it might have wonky wheels.

Once in the middle lane you may,
Just speed along with nought to pay,
And you can go for miles and miles,
Just like you’ve practised in our aisles.

If weather’s good just have a ball,
But should the snow begin to fall,
Just hurry past the sauce and dips,
And quickly on to salted crisps.

For as a snack these will be nice,
And they can also melt the ice,
So you will never skate or slip,
While going past the Instant Whip.

Without the salt it’s your worst fears,
And everything might end in tears,
For with roads slippery as spread,
It’s possible you’ll soon be dead.

Now soon will come the checkout lane,
Where you will have to use your brain,
To read the signs that you can see,
For you must in the left lane be.

So hold the wheel and turn a bit,
No! No! You will that lorry hit!
Slow down ’cos this is far too fast,
Or else this trip might be your last.

Phew! That was close I have to say,
You really shouldn’t drive that way,
It’s dangerous, it might you kill,
And you have not yet reached the till!”

Image – Pixabay /anr

STONE THE CROWS, COBBER!

Fosters lager

It is reported that the requirements for obtaining Australian citizenship are being toughened.

Now, Cobber, if you want to be,
A proper Aussie just like me,
I am afraid you’ll have to do,
The test that’s now in front of you.

So let us see where best to start,
You know that ‘sheila’ is a tart;
That is the first answer and so,
What’s that thing we call a drongo?

If you don’t know you might be one,
Your application now undone,
So rack your brains, do not digress,
And if you don’t know have a guess.

Then next we have a spelling test,
To check if you’re above the rest,
’Cos we don’t want you if you’re thick,
Like any Harry, Tom or Dick.

Then finally we come to beer,
We drink a lot of it round here,
And if you get the colour right,
You’ll be an Aussie by tonight!

Image – bandt.com.au

BACK TO THE FUTURE

Tornado_at_Newcastle_Central_Station

It is reported that the steam engine Tornado has completed a secret overnight high speed test run on the East Coast main line and achieved a speed of 100 mph.

Now years back in the age of steam,
It was for most a childhood dream,
To travel at a hundred plus,
By train, for certain not by bus.

The Mallard set the record then,
With coal stoked by two firemen,
And its record of one two six,
Has since left trainspotters transfixed.

And many other engines then,
Ran at speeds round about one ten,
But all of this came to an end,
Some fifty years back when the trend,
Was to exit the age of steam,
And change to fuel that was more clean.

So diesels came, electrics new,
Faster but less exciting too,
And speeds did then creep up the scale –
The fastest now would turn you pale!

But last night on the East Coast line,
A steam train we’ve seen lots of times,
In secret had a special run,
To see if it could do a ton.

For steam today that’s quite an ask,
But it was equal to the task,
And as it sped through Yorkshire then,
It did one hundred once again.

So I expect we’ll see it more,
As always it will be a draw,
And as we watch it will just seem,
That we’re back in the age of steam.

Image – Wikimedia commons

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

United Airlines snake

It is reported that a passenger was roughly ejected from a United Airlines flight which had been overbooked.

“Excuse me gents and ladies too,
I have got some bad news for you,
This plane all regulations meets,
But has been made with too few seats.

We are four short which is a shame,
And it’s the maker that’s to blame,
So now as you perhaps suspect,
We’ll have to four of you eject.

But do not get alarmed just yet,
Since this is not an Air Force jet,
Ejector seats are not in use,
From which you should by now deduce,
That we eject folk through the door,
While the plane’s standing on the floor.

So we would like some volunteers,
Most anyone including queers,
Who’ll get some cash and also stay,
Then take a flight another day.

No volunteers this afternoon?
That’s gone down like a lead balloon,
So the computer will predict,
Which of you we must now evict.

We will then reach out to all four,
Direct you to the entrance door,
But if you think you can refuse,
On that point we must disabuse,
And if you try to make a fuss,
We’ll quickly put you in a truss.

Once tied you will be bundled out,
And you’ll be gagged, no need to shout,
It will come off, you’ll be OK,
And we will soon be on our way.

Then as for you, you’ll stay the night,
Tomorrow take a later flight,
We hope our service satisfies –
Thanks for flying the Friendly Skies.”

Image – Bloomberg

 

LEGGINGS CAN’T FLY

Leggings

It is reported that a US airline has denied boarding to two girls because they were wearing leggings.

“Excuse me Miss, you cannot fly,
With leggings covering your thigh,
This is because it isn’t right,
To wear clothes that are far too tight.

This is all set out in our rules,
Which covers things from forks to fuels,
And there described in full detail,
Are things that are beyond the pale.
We do not want to seem unkind,
But safety’s what we have in mind,
Though how this changes how you dress,
I s’pose is anybody’s guess.

But anyway that’s how it is,
So don’t you get into a tizz,
It’s better that you fly than not,
So see what other clothes you’ve got!”

Image – Flickr