It is reported that cycling regenerates the immune system and improves health, thus increasing life expectancy.

Cycling’s a type of exercise,
And pensioners, if they are wise,
Will take such exercise each day,
Because they are convinced that they,
Will withstand bugs that may be rife,
And therefore have a longer life.

They cycle up and down the hills,
The while eliminating ills,
And as they cycle round the bend,
It seems their lives might never end.

But then, upon the other side,
A lorry might come slightly wide,
And this might some of them unnerve,
Causing the bicycle to swerve.

A swerve is good, at least it might,
Avoid a crash if not a fright;
But if a wobble starts instead,
It could result in people dead.

That would be bad, for them at least,
Require the service of a priest;
But also, it would change, you see,
Their average life expectancy.

So let your watchword be, “Take care”,
When you are cycling anywhere;
If longer life’s what you intend,
Try not to wobble on the bend!



Sunbeds cyprus-2364820_960_720

It is reported that, for a small fee, holiday company Thomas Cook will allow holidaymakers to pre-book their sunbeds at their holiday hotel.

In sunny spots it is well-known,
That German tourists think they own,
The sunbeds on beach or hotel,
And pretty much all else as well.

They all get up at break of day,
And then, armed with their towels, they
Rush right down to the pool or beach,
And bag themselves a couple each.

The English tourists mostly say,
That one should not behave that way,
And even though the Krauts aren’t right,
It doesn’t cost to be polite.

So Thomas Cook’s devised a plan,
To end this aggro if they can,
By selling beds before you go,
And well before the Germans know.

Well, this is good, will take the heat,
Out of competing for a seat;
But will the Germans understand,
That next time they might have to stand?



It is reported that the Ministry of Defence has asserted that the Russians are studying the UK’s Gas and electricity infrastructures in order to learn how to disrupt them during any future conflict.

The Government is in a tizz,
Because it thinks the Kremlin is,
Researching Britain’s pipes and wires,
So that it can, if it desires,
Destroy or damage those they find,
Whenever they might feel inclined.

For without these no thing will go,
The country will shut down and so,
You won’t be warm, will not be fed,
And might as well just stay in bed.

The car might work for just a bit,
And be quite normal until it,
Needs filling up with fuel or,
The fancy key won’t work the door.

And telephones might carry on,
Until the backup power has gone;
But mobile phones, although not large,
Will not work well without a charge.

The shops will all run out of food,
Because their stocks can’t be renewed,
And with computers on the blink,
It’s likely there will be no drink.

So what to do about this threat?
And should we start to worry yet?
The threat is probably not new,
But there are things we ought to do.

The favourite option – getting drunk,
At somewhere like The Merry Monk –
Would certainly be the best one,
But only till the beer’s all gone.

And after that you’re on your own,
No beer or drink or mobile phone,
So, from that point, we must rely,
On those whose job it is to spy.

This must be done well in advance,
If we are to have any chance,
Of dealing with this sort of thing,
Apart from on a prayer and wing.

So I suggest they send James Bond,
An agent of whom I am fond,
To go and check on Russian wires,
And see what knowledge he acquires,
Which might, perhaps, prevent attack,
Or at least help in hitting back.

For knowledge in this world is king,
It covers almost everything,
And when we know what he brings back,
The best defence is to attack!


Plane crash

It is reported that there were no (yes, zero!) deaths in world-wide commercial aviation (plane crashes) during 2017 and Donald Trump is claiming the credit.

“Now listen, all you folk that fly,
You’re safe and I can tell you why:
It is because of things I’ve done,
Now that I do this country run.

I did ban laptops, it is true,
But that affected just a few,
’Cos just in Middle Eastern lands,
Are these lethal in people’s hands.

It’s plain that this was right to do,
’Cos casualties have been so few,
And last year’s deaths were very low –
They have, in fact, been just zero.

Yes, zero deaths on planes world-wide,
A source, for me, of glowing pride,
Because, as you can doubtless see,
The whole damn thing was down to me.

But on my laurels I’ll not stand,
For since flight deaths Have now been banned,
This next year I can now tell you,
I certainly will better do.

Don’t worry this does not compute,
Most people are not that astute,
And if the deaths should turn out higher,
I’ll always find someone to fire!”



It is reported that British Airways is charging musicians who want to take their instruments into the cabin as hand luggage and sometimes an instrument has to have its own seat.

Musicians like to keep an eye,
On instruments ’cos when they fly,
Some are near priceless and also,
It’s bad for them if they should go,
Down in the hold during the flight –
Conditions there are just not right.

So in the cabin they must go,
But there might not be space and so,
Whereas a piccolo might fit,
In pockets but get scratched a bit,
That likely wouldn’t be the case,
For kettle drums or double bass.

So these things do need their own seat,
You put the belt on so it’s neat,
And that’s fine for your double bass,
Until the pilot cries out, “Brace!”

You then find the seat’s been designed,
For people who’ve been wined and dined,
And if the plane should, sadly, crash,
Your kettle drum might end up trash.

“So what?” I think I hear you say,
“If you’re about to crash then pray,
For other things will soon ensue,
And that’s what ought to worry you!”

Image – Mark Seymour / Wikimedia commons



It is reported that it has been snowing and the usual travel chaos has ensued.

It snowed a bit, I think, last night,
I wondered if it would, or might,
Cause problems in the morning rush,
With drivers getting out to push.

The gritters had been out all night,
The train tracks checked with IR light,
But, in the end, road, rail and plane,
Were bound to see delays again.

When this occurs folk bitch and moan,
Can’t get to work or later home;
And any transport they might use,
Is bound to be mobbed out with queues.

The schools are closed, the kids can’t go,
So they all play out in the snow,
And if they should fall down or trip,
They’re advised not to break a hip,
Because to get to A and E,
Might not so very easy be.

But to these folk I should explain,
That transport systems in the main,
Are always running at full tilt,
Because some more needs to be built.

And so when things like snow occur,
It’s pretty easy to infer,
That disruption there’s bound to be,
Upsetting then both he and she.

So when it snows, then what to do?
There’s not one answer, it is true,
So better just warm clothes to don,



It is reported that a government proposal to make the wearing of helmets and hi-viz vests by cyclists compulsory is being criticised as it is thought it may lull both cyclists and drivers into a false sense of security and result in even more accidents.

A cyclist gets, I rather feel,
A pretty poor – in fact, raw – deal;
Not much to pay by way of bills,
But he must cycle up the hills.

For him there’s nought to take the strain,
Which might give rise to muscle pain,
And if he falls down on the floor,
His pain might then increase some more.

Crash helmets might help, some would say,
And hi-viz clothing on display,
But others say that there could be,
A false sense of security.

It’s feared cyclists will go too fast,
Not thinking this might be the last,
Journey that they might ever make,
And that could be a big mistake.

And when cars see the viz that’s hi,
They will, perhaps, more often try,
To overtake on curves and bends,
The places lives can often end.

So, all in all, things could get worse,
With extra bookings for the hearse;
Protective clothing, it appears,
Perhaps might not deserve three cheers!