FAMOUS FOOTFALLER

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It is reported that footballer David Beckham escaped a speeding conviction on a procedural technicality, his lawyer saying that the notice of the alleged offence arrived a day late. It is not reported whether his wife was, as usual, not amused.

If you are some celebrity,
It really is quite wise to be,
Not pushy or, indeed, too brash,
Despite the fact you’ve lots of cash.

And if you’re in a pickle caught,
Most people will think that you ought,
To simply take it on the chin,
Which will help you their hearts to win.

Now all of this is good advice,
In fact, perhaps, worth reading twice;
So it is something of a shock,
To learn when one was in the dock,
He managed to escape, you see,
On just a technicality.

The one in question, David Beck,
While in a Bentley (not a wreck),
Was caught for speeding, “But,” said he,
“I really, truly, did not see,
The notice saying I drove fast,
Till more than fourteen days had passed.

I’m happy to admit the crime,
But owing to this length of time,
You acted not as set by law,
So my brief here can see a flaw.

This means that you cannot convict,
And so the brief that I have picked,
Has done me well, I’m very glad,
He’s earned the thousands that he’s had.

So I am free, that’s pretty good,
My wealth is working as it should,
For if it can’t when I’m not poor,
Then what is all my money for?”

WAIT PLEASE!

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It is reported that a man chased after a Ryanair plane as it taxied onto the runway at Dublin airport, shouting for it to wait so that he wouldn’t miss his flight.

You may think it is quite insane,
To try to chase a Boeing plane,
No matter you have paid your fare,
And it belongs to Ryanair.

But that is just what one man did,
His purpose being then to bid,
The pilot to wait where he was,
So he could board the plane because,
He’d been delayed in getting there,
And didn’t want to waste his fare.

But Ryanair was not impressed;
Although they try to do their best,
They can’t stop planes like this each day,
When they’re already underway.

So they called in the Garda who,
Would also take a dimmish view;
The Garda dragged the man away,
And off to face court the next day.

What happened there I do not know,
But possibly he had to go,
To prison or to pay a fine,
To make sure that he toed the line.

LEAVES OFF THE LINE

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It is reported that sand sprayers are to be used to improve the grip of train wheels in autumn when there are leaves on the line.

Tree leaves as everybody knows,
Each year do cause all sorts of woes,
Because they lubricate the track,
Resulting in a lot of flak.

The problem is not easy solved,
But Network Rail is now resolved,
To solve the problem once for all,
So it will not occur each fall.

The latest plan’s to put some sand,
On the rails both left and right hand,
Which either will the leaves remove,
Or otherwise will instead prove,
That extra friction will ensue,
To stop the train when needed to.

Victorians used sand as well,
Though not because of leaves that fell,
And so there’s confidence around,
That the solution has been found.

But one concern remains, I think:
The signals could go on the blink;
So although railway bosses say,
They think that it should be OK,
Between leaves and a bit of frost,
Best turn up with your fingers crossed!

FALSE TEETH TO GO

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It is reported that a motorcyclist caused a traffic alert on a busy road in Gloucester when he stopped to look for his false teeth which had fallen out.

If you’ve false teeth then guard them well,
Because for many personnel,
They’re sorely needed so that they,
Can eat their food from day to day.

They’re indispensable, I’m sure,
Although the products of the brewer,
Can be consumed in liquid form,
Which pretty much is now the norm.

But if you have to drive you can’t,
Survive like this or you might slant,
And then police will know that you,
Are drunk and have been drinking brew.

So should you lose your teeth one day,
You’ll want to find them right away,
Which can be problematic, like,
If riding on a motorbike.

But this is what one cyclist did,
And almost nearly lost his lid,
When he stopped his false teeth to seek,
In middle of the rush hour peak.

He left his bike, was bending down,
His worried smile became a frown;
I must watch how my words I parse,
As he got shunted up the arse.

So if you have false teeth take care,
They can fly out just anywhere;
They’re pricey and they cost a bob,
So better if you shut your gob.

SARDINIAN SAND

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It is reported that a tourist has been fined £1000 for taking a bottleful of sand from a beach in Sardinia.

You might think sand is not worth much,
If so you would be out of touch,
At least where the sardines come from,
For there it could cost you a bomb.

It seems their sand is rather nice,
And people take it, sometimes twice,
But this affects the beach – it goes –
But where that’s to? Nobody knows.

Perhaps it goes as souvenirs,
To show to neighbours drinking beers,
But every bit that’s taken – each –
Is playing havoc with the beach.

So taking it is not allowed,
By any of the tourist crowd,
And if they do they’ll get a fine,
Discouraging them all next time.

They search you at the airport when,
Waiting to board your plane and then,
Should they discover any sand,
You can expect a reprimand.

Not only that, maybe a fine,
Which can be big to send a sign,
To others who might do the same,
And show them sand is not fair game.

So if you want some sand take care,
It doesn’t come from just round there;
You really must be on your guard,
So buy it down the builders’ yard!

PHRASED OUT

Phrase books

It is reported that fewer people are taking phrase books on holiday, opting instead for mobile phone translation. Or speaking loudly.

When you are in a foreign land,
Soaking the sunshine, sea and sand,
It is quite good, where’er you are,
To speak in the vernacular.

And if you’ve no linguistic bent,
To help this most noble intent,
A phrase book is just what you need,
To verbalise your thoughts and deeds.

They don’t cost much, they are quite small,
They work for people, short or tall;
And phrases there that they translate,
Help you, with local folk, debate.

But now, it seems, the mobile phone,
With a translator of its own,
Is elbowing the book aside,
As first and foremost language guide.

So how do these two now compare,
In a comparison that’s fair?

Well, Google can make big mistakes,
And sometimes one is all it takes,
To start an argument or fight,
If you don’t get the wording right.

I don’t examples want to give,
For I am rather keen to live,
And this by foreigners is read,
So one mistake might see me dead.

So when you try to speak, take care,
’Cos you are foreign while you’re there;
Alive is preferable to dead,
So watch your back and use your head.

PONGO

Deodorant

It is reported that Vienna’s transport authority has been handing out free deodorant to commuters on its underground railway during the hot weather.

Vienna can get rather hot,
And in the trains you get a lot,
Of sweaty people, I can tell,
And most of them then stink like hell.

It isn’t nice to smell like this,
Some not like sweat but more like p*ss,
For some do not their armpits spray,
Before they leave for work each day.

But now an answer has been found,
The price per person? Just a pound,
And so the railway gives out free,
Deodorant to he or she.

The plan is that they spray a squirt
Inside and underneath their shirt,
And if they do this every day,
The smell will quickly go away.

So everyone is happy then,
Including women, also men,
For now their ride upon the train,
Is smelling sweetly once again!

So in Vienna do take care,
Deodorant to always wear;
Important to remember this,
If you don’t want to smell like p*ss.