IST DAS DEVON ODER MAISMAUER?

Beach chairs

It is reported that Cornwall is a favourite holiday destination for Germans but they think it includes Devon as well.

The Germans like, it seems to me,
To holiday beside the sea,
Because, I think, since days of yore,
They don’t have all that much seashore.

They travel in their thousands so,
Cornwall is where they want to go,
And generally to get there they,
Must pass through Devon on the way.

They stop for tea, it’s likely ham,
Then scones with cream first then the jam,
But later on when farther west,
The cream tea they can there digest,
Is upside down, the cream’s on top,
The same in each and every shop.

The reason is, though they don’t know,
The two counties are different so,
For scones with cream and fruit conserve,
Tradition dictates how they’re served.

This might seem like some sort of ruse,
Designed to foreigners confuse,
And if so then it works a treat,
Confusing them each time they eat.

But Germans don’t like to be tricked;
A sense of humour? – Weiss es nicht!
So they drive on and when they reach,
Their destination – that’s the beach –
They do what they’ve learnt in the Med,
And commandeer all the sunbeds.

They spread their towels, no eyelid bat,
“Don’t touch now or there’ll be a spat!”
But they forgot, whereas in Spain,
The rain falls mainly on the plain,
In Cornwall, even when it’s fair,
It’s likely pouring everywhere.

So sunbeds are not hard to get,
Because they’re always soaking wet,
And if a towel’s left thereon,
It quite soon will have undergone,
A change that will be for the worse,
Causing, perhaps, a German curse!

Image – juicyverve / Flickr

THE FLYING PAINTBRUSH

Boeing 787_outlines_the_sky_630

It is reported that Boeing has flown its latest 787-8 Dreamliner aeroplane with Rolls-Royce engines for 15766 miles and over 17 hours in a route tracing out the shape of the plane over the United States.

The Boeing people are quite smart,
And one or two are good at art,
So when they thought they’d like to show,
How far their new airplane would go,
With Rolls-Royce engines, slimline wings,
Computers that control all things,
They thought they’d get the plane to draw,
Its outline as they made it soar,
Up in the sky in the US,
Just guaranteed then to impress.

They set off in the afternoon,
Not planning to return too soon;
For seventeen hours they stayed aloft,
Flown by computerware that’s soft,
And after sixteen thousand miles,
Their faces filled with big broad smiles,
As the plane landed, “Did it?”, “Yes!”
A sign of all the team’s success.

The picture thus drawn in the sky
Which showed the route the plane did fly,
Was then released to the world’s press,
So all could print it, more or less.

This was a gimmick, that’s for sure,
But one that likely will endure,
To be recorded in folklore,
As one that’s not been done before.

They can be proud of what they’ve done,
One big achievement undergone,
For it’s quite difficult to fly,
For that time non-stop in the sky.

The plane and engines passed the test,
Because they are the very best,
So maybe the next time you fly,
You should a Boeing specify!

“But what of Airbus?” You may yell.
At this stage I just cannot tell,
But if some clever thing they do,
I’ll write a verse about that too.

Image – FlightAware.

FIRST CLASS RAIL SERVICE SUSPENDED

Pullman

It is reported that the government is considering ending first class on commuter trains so that more people can fit onto the overcrowded trains.

The first class service on the rail,
You might think is a fairy tale,
But rather than this service mend,
They plan to bring it to an end.

You may think this a cop-out is,
Perhaps a part of some big swizz,
But others say it’s no surprise,
And may, in fact, be rather wise.

For every day while trains are full,
In first class there can be a lull,
Where richer folk relax in style,
All having paid more pence per mile.

Because they’ve paid they can relax,
Three feet above the railway tracks,
While other folk who cannot pay,
Are squashed like sardines every day.

So spreading out to ease the pain,
For most would represent a gain,
But to the rest, the ones with cash,
The whole idea would sound like trash.

So who will win this test of wills?
The rich ones or those without frills?
I think it’s those who watch the pence,
Because it makes a lot of sense.

But extra space is not quite free,
And actually it seems to me,
That if first class is shown the door,
The second must pay that bit more.

But at least more will get a seat,
On most days that’s a real treat,
And rich and poor will also mix,
Because of this quite simple fix.

If that is good we’ll have to see,
But it is surely more PC,
And politicians everywhere,
Of credit will all want a share!

Image – Simon Pielow / Flickr

GARDER À GAUCHE

Citroen 2CV half

It is reported that the authorities in Calais are planning that everyone should drive on the left during the Bank holiday weekend in May 2018 as a kind gesture to the Brexiting British.

The French have got une bonne idée,
Although it may not seem that way,
They plan one weekend next year, spring,
That people who their cars do bring,
For just a few days they all might,
Drive on the left and not the right.

“The Brits will like it,” says the mayor,
“For when they come from over there,
Such driving will avoid the queues,
As they stock up on bargain booze.

They’ll find it’s really very good,
Will spend and drink more than they should,
And when they are all set to load,
They will not have to cross the road.

So they will load up twice as fast,
The first box right through to the last,
And if they’re sober when they leave,
That’s something I would disbelieve.”

“But what about the French?” you ask,
“For them it will be such a task,
To navigate on left not right,
And some of them might start a fight.”

“We’ve thought of that,” the mayor replied,
“And we are keeping them on side.
We’ve told them it’s a chance to learn,
For something that they mostly yearn,
Which is to leave this place Calais,
And go and live in the U.K!”

Image -High Contrast / Wikimedia commons

WOBBLE WEEK

Jelly cartoon

It is reported that the Conservative general election campaign wobbled on the now proposed cap on care costs, British Airways had a problem with a wobbly computer, Angela Merkel said that the support of the USA and the UK in NATO was wobbly and Shadow Foreign Secretary Diane Abbott talked about wobbles with her hairstyle and words.

We have just had a wobbly week,
With several things right up the creek,
And people getting quite upset,
Because some might their jobs lose yet.

The first in line was Mrs May,
Because she did omit to say,
That people paying for their care,
Would not need to be worried where,
The money would come from for they,
Would have a cap on what they pay.

Next up was British Airways which,
Reported a computer glitch,
They didn’t really explain why,
But think it might be power supply.

Their flights were cancelled – nearly all –
Their share price went into free-fall,
And travellers – thousands and more –
We’re sleeping on the airport floor.

Then Mrs Merkel comes on scene,
In Italy with Trump she’s been,
And she announced to some dismay,
That though she doesn’t pay her way,
On NATO she could not rely,
But would not further clarify.

And finally Ms Abbott who,
Is often changing her hairdo,
Said former comments which were vile,
Were said with a different hairstyle,
And ’cos her hair was different now,
That made it all all right somehow.

So let your watchword be ‘Take care’,
When you are speaking live on air,
Whatever you do or don’t say,
Will come to haunt you all one day!

GRIDLOCK

Traffic jam

It is reported that a record number of cars are expected to be on the roads over the bank holiday weekend.

Bank holidays are here again,
Those long and lazy weekends when,
The British people stay away,
From work for just one extra day.

Some people stay at home en masse,
They clean the car or cut the grass,
But others don’t, I have to say,
They pack their bags and go away.

At least ‘away’ is their intent,
But much of ‘going’ will be spent,
Deciding which route they should use,
Or standing in the airport queues.

Nevertheless when they arrive,
The family must hope and strive,
To all enjoy the time left now,
And not to get into a row.

For stressful journeys in the heat,
Can sometimes be less than a treat,
And some people will always moan,
Until it’s time to go back home.

So let your watchword be, ‘Take care’,
When you set off by road or air,
It’s better if not much is said,
Or you could stay at home instead!

Image – Ted Kerwin / Flickr

OFF YOUR TROLLEY!

shopping trolley cartoon

It is reported that the AA has suggested that supermarkets and other organisations might sponsor our roads and motorways.

“Now greetings on your trip today,
Before you start we’d like to day,
That we’ll be staying at your side,
And happily will be your guide.

We’ve sponsored this, the road you’ll take,
Using your throttle, clutch and brake,
And our job is to ease your way,
As you go on your holiday.

So first the motorway you join,
There’s no need for a trolley coin,
And if your car quite different feels,
It’s ’cos it might have wonky wheels.

Once in the middle lane you may,
Just speed along with nought to pay,
And you can go for miles and miles,
Just like you’ve practised in our aisles.

If weather’s good just have a ball,
But should the snow begin to fall,
Just hurry past the sauce and dips,
And quickly on to salted crisps.

For as a snack these will be nice,
And they can also melt the ice,
So you will never skate or slip,
While going past the Instant Whip.

Without the salt it’s your worst fears,
And everything might end in tears,
For with roads slippery as spread,
It’s possible you’ll soon be dead.

Now soon will come the checkout lane,
Where you will have to use your brain,
To read the signs that you can see,
For you must in the left lane be.

So hold the wheel and turn a bit,
No! No! You will that lorry hit!
Slow down ’cos this is far too fast,
Or else this trip might be your last.

Phew! That was close I have to say,
You really shouldn’t drive that way,
It’s dangerous, it might you kill,
And you have not yet reached the till!”

Image – Pixabay /anr