COMMERCIAL CAKES

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It is reported that Prue Leith, new judge of The Great British Bake Off on Channel 4, has been advising viewers to record the programme and watch it later, skipping the advertisements. Her employer, Channel 4, is not amused.

If you liked Bake Off just like me,
When it was on the BBC,
A problem might now be in store,
Since it has moved to Channel 4.

The problem is, I think, the ads,
Which might not matter to the lads,
When they are watching football and,
Are just intent on getting canned.

But if you’re watching baking cakes,
These can be irritating breaks,
Because they might make you lose track,
Unless, of course, you want a snack.

So Prue Leith – she’s the newest judge –
Has said with a wink and a nudge,
You should record it while on air,
And though it really isn’t fair,
You can fast-forward through each ad –
Use the remote, it isn’t hard.

But Channel 4 said, “Bad advice!
Some adverts can be rather nice.
But even if they’re not we must,
Show all of them or we’ll go bust.

They pay for programmes that we make,
Including this, the British Bake,
And she should know, this judge called Prue,
They have to pay her wages too.

Perhaps she has been on the wine,
But if she doesn’t toe the line,
And all our Bake Off ads extol,
She might soon find she’s on the dole.”

So, Mrs Leith, you have been warned,
The C4 ads must not be scorned,
And it seems likely if you do,
You’ll not make it to Series 2!

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DOCTOR WHO?

Dr Who 13

It is reported that the thirteenth and next Doctor Who is to be a woman.

The whole world knows of Doctor Who,
And how now every year or two,
He changes in his looks and ways,
A mixture, then, of straights and gays.

This last line may not be correct,
My facts so far remain unchecked,
But in this modern day and age,
The actors of the screen and stage,
Are often picked to cover all,
And also, maybe, some oddball.

Of doctors there’ve a dozen been,
And so the next will be thirteen,
But what some say’s beyond the pale,
Is every one has been a male.

So now for Doctor – yes, thirteen –
We have a star of stage and screen,
Who’s in her thirties, blonde and pale,
And notably also female.

Miss Jodie Whittaker no less,
Will she be good? You’ll have to guess.
But I just cannot wait to see,
If casting her which looks PC,
As the next doctor in the queue,
Will go down well as Doctor Who.

Image – tahakhan / Creative commons

PADDINGTON BEAR DIES

Paddington_Bear,_Paddington_Station

It is reported that Michael Bond, creator of Paddington Bear has died at the age of ninety-one.

It’s surely true we are all fond,
Of bear creator Michael Bond,
Some might not recognise the name,
But will adore him just the same.

The bear to which he once gave birth,
Followed by years and years of mirth,
Is Paddington you may have guessed,
Same as in London to the west.

He came from the depths of Peru,
Why he was from there no-one knew,
But in his books, films and TV,
He captured hearts in all these three.

So how should we remember he?
Perhaps some sort of refugee?
Or that which stories does pervade –
His sandwiches of marmalade?

Image – R Sones / Wikimedia commons

BATMAN NO MORE

Batman logo

It is reported that Adam West, who played the original Batman on television in the 1960s, has died aged eighty-eight.

I wonder if perhaps tonight.
You might now all like some respite,
From politics after last week,
So to that end I’ve had a peek,
Right through the papers of today,
But sadly they’ve not much to say,
That won’t be getting on our wicks –
That is the dreaded politics.

The only thing that I could see,
Of interest then to some degree,
Is news that Adam West has died,
A fact that has been verified.

If you don’t know I should point out,
That this actor without a doubt,
Was the first Batman you could see,
In 1960s on TV.

It’s sad that he should pass away,
Just two days prior yesterday,
So Gotham City should take care –
Joker and Penguin are still there!

Image – methodshop.com

EUROVISION PERFECTION

Conchita Wurst

It is reported that the Eurovision Song Contest has taken place in Kiev and the winner was … Portugal.

I’ve long been dreading yesterday,
’Cos I must think of things to say,
About the Euro Song Contest,
Which is abysmal at its best.

The music’s dire most will agree,
It doesn’t help that it’s all free,
But if we’re lucky p’rhaps one day,
They’ll show it where we have to pay.

And contestants can be so strange,
Especially viewed at close range,
And Conchita who once came first,
Was possibly one of the Wurst.

Statistics, as you’d guess, abound,
And some analysis has found,
That Ireland’s in fact won most times,
With the UK one place behind,
Failing to take the winner’s cup,
But fifteen times the runner up.

At risk you’ll think that I don’t care,
I think I will now finish there,
My piece today is pretty poor,
And surely you’re not wanting more.

Image – Albin Olsson License: CC BY-SA 3.0

BERRY GOOD?

Baking ingredients

It is reported that Mary Berry of GBBO fame now has a selection of shop-bought cakes to her name and that these contain additives and ingredients not found in the ‘superior’ home-baked cakes which she normally champions.

The British Bake Off chief once said,
Only over her body dead,
Would she say shop-bought cakes were fine,
Compared to those that take your time,
To kneed and stir and roll them out,
To make them good or thereabout.

And so it is with some dismay,
That I have read reports today,
That she now has a line of cakes,
For people for whom mixing aches.

She’s cherry bakewells, tarts and scones,
Which, as you know, they are the ones,
That you eat spread with cream and jam,
With sandwiches and tea Assam.

She used to say home-made was best,
Less additives and all the rest,
But if ingredients you check,
You might at that point say ‘Oh heck!’
There’s more in this than meets the eye,
And more than any home-made pie.

Up there is CaCO3,
That’s limestone, ground, to you and me,
Then iron, sorbic acid too,
And things not mentioned hitherto.

Such things are needed, they will say,
To get a lengthy sell-by day,
For otherwise they wouldn’t keep,
And prices might be rather steep.

So when you buy your cake take care,
To read what’s in it if you dare,
And then you really shouldn’t moan,
If it’s not what you’d make at home.

Image – Pixabay

VILLAGE FATE

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It is reported that Cranfield University’s Department of Defence and Security has been investigating sculduggery at village fetes.

The venerable village fete,
Gets people into such a state,
That they of their senses take leave,
As they try harder to achieve,
That long pea pod or pumpkin fat,
Which can lead to a dreadful spat.

They plant their seeds and watch them grow,
Keep weeds at bay with fork and hoe,
And as they swell before their eyes,
They start to covet that first prize.

But there beyond the garden gate,
A neighbour might decide their fate,
He’s growing pumpkins by the score,
And he has won first prize before.

The time goes on, the things grow large,
It might be time for sabotage,
So dirty deeds take place at night,
Which sometimes end up in a fight.

The police are called, the crime is great,
MidSomer Murders has to wait,
But after a forensic check,
The pumpkins do all seem in spec.

Eventually the day arrives,
Folk show their beans in fours and fives,
The judge says, “This one’s pushed his luck,
He has these two together stuck.

It really is so very rude,
That vegetables have been glued,
Such things as this I can’t abide,
So he is now disqualified.”

So now you’ve read this you all know,
If you go to the village show,
It really won’t be time we’ll-spent,
If all your cucumbers are bent!

Image – Wikimedia commons