TIME’S UP

Dimbleby

It is reported that David Dimbleby is to retire from chairing Question Time as he turns eighty; so who will fill his shoes?

Old Dimbleby’s been on our screens,
Till slightly later than his teens,
And now he says he wants to go,
Now that he’s seventy or so.

The Question, therefore, at this Time,
Which I am asking now in rhyme,
Is who will fill the chairman’s chair,
When Question Time is on the air?

So three contenders, ladies all,
With resumés more large, than small,
Seem keen to get this most plum job,
Ahead of any other slob.

There’s Kirsty Young and Kirsty Wark,
Mishal Husain – all three can talk,
And probably they could all do,
What the producer tells them to.

But what of others, maybe men?
The chairman could be male again;
There’s Humphrys, John and Paxman, J,
Or have these stalwarts had their day?

For sure they’re getting on in years,
As far as I know are not queers,
But maybe in this day and age,
Because they’d get a public wage,
They might be excluded you see,
For being not LBGT.

The difficulty is today,
When you take on someone you pay,
There are so many things you must,
Consider, not to be unjust.

So as the interview rounds go,
To pick the winner for the show,
They might not need to be too wise,
As long as they can sympathise.

Image – Laurence Boyce at English Wikipedia / Creative commons

SHOULDN’T HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS

Car parking

It is reported that gender stereotyping in advertisements is to be banned, including some Specsavers ones. What next?

Some ads can be a dreadful bore,
You wonder what they show them for;
They do so little to entice,
Apart from telling you the price.

But others can be lots of fun,
A few of them can run and run,
Though many have now caused a gripe,
If they portray a stereotype.

So, women who cannot reverse,
A Scotsman polishing his purse,
And men who follow football scores,
Instead of helping with the chores,
Will all be banned and that’s just four,
And I think that there could be more.

“But wait!” you say, “It’s OTT,
And no offence assumed by me;
To laugh at gender stereotype,
Is really just all part of life.”

But spoilsports say, “Someone, somewhere,
Will take offence when such ads air,
So all our adverts ought to be,
Composed with sensitivity.

And if that means you cannot laugh,
At females whose driving is naff,
Well, that’s the price you have to pay,
For living in this world today!”

Image – maxpixel.net/Parking-Mistake-Car-Frustrated-Red-Failure-Little-961707

DAD’S ARMY

Dads Army

It is reported that Barclays Bank in the Suffolk town of Framlingham mistakenly spelt the town name as Framlington on the new sign outside its branch. Fortunately, with a bit of quick thinking, the manager, one Captain Mainwaring(?), was able to save face.

You’ve heard of Walmington-on-Sea,
For, in the past, it used to be,
On TV screens for our delight,
On pretty much each Sat’day night.

One day the butcher, ame of Jones,
Who deals in meat, fat, tripe and bones,
Went in the bank and what he saw,
Resulted in drop of the jaw.

That is to say he was amazed,
But with his background wasn’t fazed,
For when in the Sudan you’ve fought,
There isn’t much, I would have thought,
Could not be dealt with – like a threat –
With musket, gun or bayonet.

He didn’t wait, he rushed inside,
Saw Mainwaring puffed up with pride,
Who asked Jones if he liked the sign,
Which had been there since half past nine.

“Don’t panic!” then the butcher said,
“I saw the sign and then it read,
But misspelt is Walmington’s name,
As Framlington – not quite the same!”

The manager then dashed outside,
Intent? To stifle injured pride.
He feared that he might turn bright red,
But thought a bit and then he said:

“I’m glad you spotted our new sign,
It was a small idea of mine;
The misspelt name is meant to be,
So that if Nazi Germany,
Should try to invade from afar,
They really won’t know where they are.

This will give us the upper hand,
As we defend our coast and land;
And I think my idea’s so good,
That Winston Churchill really should,
In his mind have it uppermost,
And use it up and down the coast.”

Jones looked askance but didn’t say,
He hadn’t thought of it that way,
But Mainwaring had played an ace,
And, for the moment, saved his face!

This hasn’t really much to do,
With Barclays Bank that’s known to you,
And the truth is, the faulty sign,
Had been replaced by dinner time.

COMMERCIAL CAKES

cupcakes-879265_960_720

It is reported that Prue Leith, new judge of The Great British Bake Off on Channel 4, has been advising viewers to record the programme and watch it later, skipping the advertisements. Her employer, Channel 4, is not amused.

If you liked Bake Off just like me,
When it was on the BBC,
A problem might now be in store,
Since it has moved to Channel 4.

The problem is, I think, the ads,
Which might not matter to the lads,
When they are watching football and,
Are just intent on getting canned.

But if you’re watching baking cakes,
These can be irritating breaks,
Because they might make you lose track,
Unless, of course, you want a snack.

So Prue Leith – she’s the newest judge –
Has said with a wink and a nudge,
You should record it while on air,
And though it really isn’t fair,
You can fast-forward through each ad –
Use the remote, it isn’t hard.

But Channel 4 said, “Bad advice!
Some adverts can be rather nice.
But even if they’re not we must,
Show all of them or we’ll go bust.

They pay for programmes that we make,
Including this, the British Bake,
And she should know, this judge called Prue,
They have to pay her wages too.

Perhaps she has been on the wine,
But if she doesn’t toe the line,
And all our Bake Off ads extol,
She might soon find she’s on the dole.”

So, Mrs Leith, you have been warned,
The C4 ads must not be scorned,
And it seems likely if you do,
You’ll not make it to Series 2!

DOCTOR WHO?

Dr Who 13

It is reported that the thirteenth and next Doctor Who is to be a woman.

The whole world knows of Doctor Who,
And how now every year or two,
He changes in his looks and ways,
A mixture, then, of straights and gays.

This last line may not be correct,
My facts so far remain unchecked,
But in this modern day and age,
The actors of the screen and stage,
Are often picked to cover all,
And also, maybe, some oddball.

Of doctors there’ve a dozen been,
And so the next will be thirteen,
But what some say’s beyond the pale,
Is every one has been a male.

So now for Doctor – yes, thirteen –
We have a star of stage and screen,
Who’s in her thirties, blonde and pale,
And notably also female.

Miss Jodie Whittaker no less,
Will she be good? You’ll have to guess.
But I just cannot wait to see,
If casting her which looks PC,
As the next doctor in the queue,
Will go down well as Doctor Who.

Image – tahakhan / Creative commons

PADDINGTON BEAR DIES

Paddington_Bear,_Paddington_Station

It is reported that Michael Bond, creator of Paddington Bear has died at the age of ninety-one.

It’s surely true we are all fond,
Of bear creator Michael Bond,
Some might not recognise the name,
But will adore him just the same.

The bear to which he once gave birth,
Followed by years and years of mirth,
Is Paddington you may have guessed,
Same as in London to the west.

He came from the depths of Peru,
Why he was from there no-one knew,
But in his books, films and TV,
He captured hearts in all these three.

So how should we remember he?
Perhaps some sort of refugee?
Or that which stories does pervade –
His sandwiches of marmalade?

Image – R Sones / Wikimedia commons

BATMAN NO MORE

Batman logo

It is reported that Adam West, who played the original Batman on television in the 1960s, has died aged eighty-eight.

I wonder if perhaps tonight.
You might now all like some respite,
From politics after last week,
So to that end I’ve had a peek,
Right through the papers of today,
But sadly they’ve not much to say,
That won’t be getting on our wicks –
That is the dreaded politics.

The only thing that I could see,
Of interest then to some degree,
Is news that Adam West has died,
A fact that has been verified.

If you don’t know I should point out,
That this actor without a doubt,
Was the first Batman you could see,
In 1960s on TV.

It’s sad that he should pass away,
Just two days prior yesterday,
So Gotham City should take care –
Joker and Penguin are still there!

Image – methodshop.com