Cream tea

It is reported that an advertisement for National Trust property Lanhydrock House in Cornwall has been criticised – no, castigated – for showing a photograph of a Cornish cream tea with the jam on top of the cream. Meanwhile, a few miles to the east, Salisbury is still coming to terms with its Russian nerve gas attack.

The Cornish cream tea as you know,
Has cream above the jam and so,
If one is made the wrong way round,
The consequence could be profound.

This differs from the place next door,
(Which has two separate bits of shore)
Where Cornish-style would be a flop,
So here the jam is on the top.

Imagine, then, should people see,
A Cornish restaurant serving tea,
With Devon-style scones on the plate,
Which they consider second-rate.

Complaints would come in fast and thick,
Some saying that it makes them sick,
And how they are so very shocked,
Their cream tea could be so up-cocked.

You might think this a bit extreme,
Complaining ’bout a bit of cream,
While Wiltshire, slightly to the east,
Would think that this would be the least,
Of its worries while it’s still wracked,
Since it with nerve gas was attacked.

But notwithstanding this, the Trust,
Perhaps not wanting to go bust,
Has said the culprit will be caught,
And then they’re thinking that he ought,
Most probably to get the sack,
Unless his brain is back on track.

You might think this is too severe,
Would in their staff instil great fear,
But we can really not accept,
That something which is so inept,
And causing such cream tea turmoil,
Be carried out on British soil!




It is reported that a study has concluded that knitting is relaxing and lowers blood pressure, reduces depression and slows the onset of dementia etc etc etc; a cheap cure for almost anything.

If you can knit then good for you,
Because it’s now been found it’s true,
That benefits to health will flow,
As in and out your needles go.

It does relax, to say the least,
In years before you are deceased;
And your blood pressure will go down,
More so than with some other noun.

And other benefits exist,
For those who knitting can’t resist;
To note just one out of the rest:
You’re likely not to be depressed.

But maybe what is best to know,
Is as your brain starts going slow,
Dementia, which is often feared,
With knitting’s all but disappeared.

So you can argue, talk, discuss,
At home, at work or on the bus,
As long as, that is, I suppose,
You talk in verse and not in prose.

There is a problem, though, but slight,
’Cos if you’re careless then you might,
Let needles, knitting, yours, slip free,
And cause some sort of injury.

They are quite long, and they could kill,
(Like being very, very ill);
So when you use them do take care,
’Cos killing someone’s not quite fair!

But if, perhaps by some mistake,
You should some person’s life now take,
Then as they try to find the truth,
Just hope Miss Marple’s not the sleuth,
Because, where knitting is in involved,
The crime might be already solved!



It is reported that cycling regenerates the immune system and improves health, thus increasing life expectancy.

Cycling’s a type of exercise,
And pensioners, if they are wise,
Will take such exercise each day,
Because they are convinced that they,
Will withstand bugs that may be rife,
And therefore have a longer life.

They cycle up and down the hills,
The while eliminating ills,
And as they cycle round the bend,
It seems their lives might never end.

But then, upon the other side,
A lorry might come slightly wide,
And this might some of them unnerve,
Causing the bicycle to swerve.

A swerve is good, at least it might,
Avoid a crash if not a fright;
But if a wobble starts instead,
It could result in people dead.

That would be bad, for them at least,
Require the service of a priest;
But also, it would change, you see,
Their average life expectancy.

So let your watchword be, “Take care”,
When you are cycling anywhere;
If longer life’s what you intend,
Try not to wobble on the bend!


steel mll 1568604_960_720

It is reported that Donald Trump plans to impose punitive tariffs of 25% on steel and 10% on aluminium imported into the United States, and the European Union has announced severe retaliation plans.

It’s been announced that Trump has plans,
For metals used in cars and cans,
To soon be taxed at higher rates,
When they reach the United States.

He says that they are under threat,
For Chinese steel producers let,
Their factories now produce too much,
Of steel for cars and cans and such.

And since this steel cannot be used,
He says that rules have been abused,
As they then tons of metal dump,
Upon the land of Donald Trump.

But Trump’s taxation plan is wide,
And will affect much more beside,
As special steels used for defence,
Are taxed which makes a bit less sense.

These taxes affect the EU,
So they’re now getting upset too,
And so henceforward from today,
They say that Trump will have to pay.

“For tax like this we will not stand,
But as well as a reprimand,
We are intending to impose,
A higher import tax on those,
Products which we’ve come to expect,
Will have the maximum effect.

We’ve thought a lot, done studies too,
On what might cause most harm to you;
And the best option from these facts,
Will be a peanut butter tax!

A tax like this is very wise,
Applies to jars of any size,
And whether smooth or with a crunch,
It will affect most any lunch.

But here in Brussels EU staff,
Think peanut butter’s pretty naff;
With Michelin starred food each day,
They never eat it anyway.”



It is reported that Spanish police have seized thousands of fake Harry Potter wands from a shop in Barcelona.

If you’re a Harry Potter fan,
Perhaps a woman, child or man,
You might not like it if you lacked,
Some Harry Potter artefact.

Imagine, then, your great delight,
When, suddenly, right into sight,
Comes one shop with more than enough,
Of all this Harry Potter stuff.

You push the door, it rings the bell,
You’re looking forward to a spell;
So in you go to look around,
And see what magic might be found.

The shelves are full, they have all sorts,
Of things you’ll need when at Hogwarts;
And then . . . that of which you’re most fond,
It’s there! . . . It’s Harry Potter’s wand!

In fact, they’ve several types of these,
To part you from your cash with ease,
And so you pick one to select,
Quite sure your choice will prove correct.

You pay for it then out you go,
Impoverished dad now in tow;
But you will soon put all that right,
When you start on the spells tonight.

So later on and after tea,
It’s time to have a try and see,
What sort of spell you can now do,
And can you get your cash back too?

You take the wand, you wave it round,
It doesn’t make much of a sound;
You’re not sure how long it should take,
But now it’s looking like a fake.

And then, alas, you see the news,
Explaining that there’s been a ruse,
And all the folk with wands on sale,
Will likely now end up in jail.

The wands, it says, are little use,
A fact you could by now deduce,
And though the wand was just for fun,
You have been well and truly done.

So if you find a wand you’ve bought,
Is not quite working as it ought,
You first could try a spot of grease,
But then report it to police.


Fat man old-40138_960_720

It is reported that more and more people are too fat (or obese, to be politically correct) and the Government wants food sellers to reduce the size of their meals to no more than 600 calories.

The Government says we’re too fat,
And nothing really wrong with that;
On groceries we overspend,
And without change will meet our end.

It’s calories that are to blame,
Or kilocal (the very same),
And as we eat we ought to stay,
Below two thousand every day.

The worst offenders? Fizzy drinks.
Or so the Government now thinks.
On this point they have not been lax,
And very soon will impose tax.

And fast food outlets are not good,
They sell more kcals than they should;
So HMG will now entreat,
Them to put less in what we eat.

So helpings now will be downsized,
Six hundred calories advised;
This ought to keep our waistlines flat,
And then we will not be so fat.

If this all works, then job well done,
Excessive waistlines on the run;
But fat folk who are less agile,
Should not try the four minute mile!


10p new set

It is reported that a new ten pence piece is to be introduced with twenty-six different designs on the back: one for each letter of the alphabet and each portraying an aspect of British life.

All silver coins can come and go,
But ours are here to stay and so,
Considering the need for cash,
Demand for which can be quite rash,
Economists say we need more,
For far too much gets spent in store.

Gauging this mood, the Royal Mint,
Has launched new coins with silvern tint;
In place of the quite old ten p,
Jaded though that old coin may be.

Kilos of these will now be made,
Loose change, so should there be a raid,
Masked men will likely leave them be,
Not take them as they try to flee.

Of course, the coin designs are nice,
Portraying quintessential life;
Queueing and Tea, to mention two,
Remind us of the people who,
Sailed far and wide across the world,
The Union Jack to be unfurled.

Umbrellas, p’rhaps, to finish off;
Victorious against a cough,
Weather as well, when it is bad,
X-rated or just simply mad;
You also should do as I tell –
Zip up your anorak as well!