DRUNK TANKS

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It is reported that the NHS is planning to put late-night drunken revellers who think they need medical attention into Drunk Tanks in which they can sleep it off and sober up under a minimum of medical oversight instead of filling up hospital A&E departments.

If you get drunk you might feel ill,
And think that you should take a pill,
But you’re not ill, you’re likely thick,
And have been drinking till you’re sick.

It maybe that you cannot stand,
Unless somebody takes your hand,
And even then you’ve little clue,
About what’s going on round you.

But not to worry ’cos a friend,
Who is concerned a hand may lend;
He doesn’t want to take a chance,
So rings up for an ambulance.

The ambulance comes right on cue,
A medic takes a look at you,
While your thoughts, if they’re there at all,
Start seeing if you can recall,
What the nurses were like last time,
When you’d had too much gin and lime.

But this time you’re in for a shock,
Because we’re in a new epoch,
And those people who too much drank,
Are thrown into a new drunk tank.

That’s basically a metal box,
A touch, perhaps, unauthodox,
But where, because of all you’ve quaffed,
They leave you there to sleep it off.

Most likely this takes all the night,
At end of which you’ll be all right,
And p’rhaps have learned what drinks to pick,
So that next time you won’t be sick!

ROBOT NHS

Chatbot

It is reported that the NHS is experimenting with a chatbot for diagnosing complaints (of a medical nature).

“Hello, hello, I’m 1 – 1 – 1,
My other patient has just gone,
She started to get on my wick,
But sticking plaster did the trick.

But on to you, all boxes ticked,
So we’ll soon have your problem licked;
I see no headache, that is good,
You’ve taken aspirin as you should,
And when you sit there is no pain,
Until you then get up again.

Your skin is fine, you have no rash,
But if around the room you dash,
You are quite wobbly on your pins –
That’s after six or seven gins.

Let’s focus on the legs now please,
You say they’re fine and bend with ease,
But then your heel like Achilles,
Is that you seem to have three knees.

Since these last four lines all do rhyme,
We’ve used up almost all our time,
And this does now the question beg,
Have you perhaps a broken leg?

If that is so we must act fast,
Don’t bother with Elastoplast,
But try to get to A&E,
Where they will patch you up for free.

I’ll tell them that you’re on your way,
So they’ll have someone there today,
But do get there while still alive –
So maybe better not to drive!”

Image – cmswire.com