It is reported that, owing to a shortage of dentists, some patients are resorting to doing the job themselves.

It seems it’s recently been found,
Not many dentists are around,
And people wanting lovely smiles,
Might have to travel many miles.

That is if they can get a slot,
But with recruitment all to pot,
Some might, in fact, have years to wait,
For dental treatment by the state.

This might be the best to be had,
But if your teeth are very bad,
A long wait’s not what you deserve,
And you might even lose your nerve.

In which case here is what to do:
You get yourself to B&Q,
And in the tool section they will,
Have every type of power drill.

Just choose one that is not too big,
Some spirit, white, for you to swig,
And then some Polyfilla which,
Will fill your tooth without a hitch.

You drink the spirit, drill the hole,
By which time you’ll be on a roll;
Squirt in the Polyfilla then,
You’ll be OK to bite again.

But if your teeth are even worse,
Take note, now, of this extra verse;
To drill the tooth that you must fill,
Be sure to choose a hammer drill!

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It is reported that B&Q has been selling defective Valspar paint which has a very distinctive and unfortunate odour.

When painting you expect some smell,
Solvent and other things as well,
But paint that’s smelling like a fart,
Is not quite what you want for art.

And if it also smells like wee,
Then even if the paint were free,
You might not want it on your wall,
Or even in the house at all.

Imagine then if you’ve just bought,
Some tins of paint with some forethought,
As to what colour suits the wife,
For the next five years of her life.

With said paint used you ask her in,
To see what once was in the tin,
But while she should inspect by eye,
Instead she checks the surface by,
The use of other means as well,
Especially her sense of smell.

She cries and gasps, “The odour’s foul!”
Her face displays a dreadful scowl,
And though the colour is first-rate,
The smell she cannot tolerate.

So you’re despatched back to the shop,
Which has been caught quite on the hop,
But they’ve talked to the makers who,
Have told them what you need to do.

“Just get some more paint – different sort –
And quickly after that you ought,
To cover up the faulty stuff,

For which two coats should be enough.

The smell will then be hid from view,
No need then to the makers sue,
And after two coats, not just one,
The smell should pretty much be gone.”

But customers are not so sure,
Don’t think that is a proper cure,
And some of them are now resolved,
To see the problem really solved.

What this may be we don’t yet know,
To stop it smelling like a po,
But there’ll be more that they can do,
If you go back to B&Q.