STUPID BOY! (Captain Mainwaring, Dad’s Army)

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It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn allegedly called the Prime Minister a ‘stupid woman’ in the Commons chamber. He denies it and says he said ‘stupid people’ but lip reading, even by the inexpert, appears to show the former rather than the latter.

The panto season’s in full swing,
With all the humour that it brings,
With lots of phrases, lots of words,
Exaggerating the absurd.

So in the Commons Mrs May,
At PMQs thought she would say,
A string of well-known panto lines,
To make fun without using rhymes.

But Mr Corbyn wasn’t pleased,
He doesn’t like thus being teased,
So then he thought he’d take his cue,
From Mainwaring like others do.

But he had to adapt a word,
From ‘stupid boy’ to what you heard,
Which some said was beyond the pale,
And more or less ‘stupid female’.

It took him time in his reply,
To work out how to best deny,
The words he used but it was clear,
The lips said what you couldn’t hear.

Lip reading experts all agreed,
‘Woman’ was what he said indeed,
For saying ‘people’ failed to fit,
The movement of his mouth or lip.

So in this quandary what to do?
The Speaker didn’t have a clue,
“Although it might seem quite absurd,
I have to take him at his word.”

Perhaps that’s it, perhaps it’s not,
These people argue such a lot;
This episode might run and run,
So there might be more panto fun.

So when you’re speaking do take care,
Some people might be watching there,
And if you plan to say things rude,
Do try to lip readers elude.

Image – Matt Brown / Flickr

NOT FOR MANY, JUST A FEW

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It is reported that while Jeremy Corbyn at the Labour Party Conference backs pay rises of 5% for workers and attacks ‘fat cat salaries’ for bosses, some of his closest aides are getting pay increases of more than 25% and Labour’s director of communications has been awarded a pay rise which takes his salary to over £100,000 per year.

The Labour Party’s claim to fame,
As is suggested by its name,
Is to look after workers that,
Wear hats that often can be flat.

They say that they will get more pay,
By striking or some other way,
And so to help to pay the rent,
They will campaign for five percent.

But Labour leaders and their staff,
Think five percent is rather naff,
And so they themselves now award,
Increases that are untoward.

A quarter seems to be the norm,
But such amount should cause a storm,
For while these few will get a lot,
Flat caps will definitely not.

So should we be surprised? P’rhaps not;
Most folk would give themselves a lot,
While those they claim to represent,
Will, in the end, see their intent,
Is to the flat cap workers con,
While they look after number one!

Image – Chris McAndrew / Wikimedia Commons

BORROWED TIME

Denis_Healey

It is reported that, as the Labour Party annual conference opens in Liverpool, Jeremy Corbyn has warned that the rich are on borrowed time.

Do you recall some years ago,
A Labour chancellor we know,
Said for the rich things would get bleak,
As they’d be squeezed till the pips squeak?

’Twas Denis Healey promised that,
To those who around him were sat;
It was not a wise thing to say,
And we went bankrupt anyway.

And now when we are decades hence,
The Labour Party’s still no sense,
And Mr Corbyn, true to form,
Speaks what, for Labour, is the norm.

The pipsqueak wording, though, has gone,
(Too descriptive of he for one?)
And he has chosen other words,
In thought, though, he is undeterred.

So as I now explain in rhyme,
Rich folk will be on borrowed time,
In years to come and if and when,
He finds himself in Number Ten.

This is far worse, you will agree,
Than squeezing citrus fruit for tea;
For ‘borrowed time’ seems to imply,
That, though he does not explain why,
Those folk with Rolexes out there,
Will be so poor they’ll have to share!

Image – Rob Mieremet / Creative commons

FIRST CLASS MA’AM

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It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn wants people working for the BBC to declare their class.

It was back in the days of yore,
That everybody knew the score,
And upper, middle, lower class,
Defined the elite and the mass.

But now we’re in the modern age,
Where class is pretty hard to gauge,
And most folk think that this is good,
Removing bias as it should.

In means for more folk things are fair,
And that there are more places where,
They can join up or get a job,
And so get paid a few more bob.

But Corbyn says, “This is not right.
And class distinctions we must fight.
Equality is just a farse,
So everyone should state their cla-a-a-a-ass.

But where to start? The BBC,
Because they’re biased against me.
(Although a lot of folk would say,
They’re biased in the other way!)

And then for the rest of the pop.,
It’s best to start right at the top,
And work our way down until we,
Most everybody’s class can see.

So, “Morning, Ma’am, would you disclose,
In verse or even normal prose,
The class to which you do belong,
And please try not to get it wrong.””

FOR THE MANY, NOT THE JEW

Jeremy Corbyn CND Demo

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party are still being criticised over their anti Semitic policies.

I hadn’t planned to write on this,
’Cos I thought Labour would dismiss,
J Corbyn as their leader whose,
Thoughts are not clear in case of Jews.

But he’s still there, he rumbles on,
Beyond the date he should be gone,
And though some aspects can be dull,
The papers of this are still full.

He sits all day upon the fence,
His words still making little sense,
And it’s not clear why he won’t change,
In fact, it seems so very strange.

He’s had his chance and many more,
His head must now be rather sore,
And when folk say he should change tack,
It’s like rain off a duckling’s back.

But maybe slogans are to blame,
There are two pretty much the same,
With ‘For the many, not the few’,
Which should, perhaps, be ‘not the Jew’?

WHO APPOINTS THE PM?

Jeremy Corbyn 1

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn has criticised Donald Trump for suggesting that Boris Johnson would make a good prime minister, saying that it is none of the President’s business. He said this on the day he was protesting against Mr Trump being the US President …

“It’s Jerry here and I must say,
That protocol – are you au fait?
Dictates you should not comment on,
Prime ministers when this one’s gone.

You really should stay in your place,
To interfere is a disgrace,
So keep your own views under wraps,
Because, in any case, they’re crap.

And that’s not all I’ve got to say,
Because I have come here today,
On everybody to impress,
That presidents of the US,
Can be a choice of one or two.
But certainly should not be you!”

Image – Global Justice Now / Flickr

MATT

Matt Cartoon BJC

It is reported that Matt, The Telegraph’s cartoonist of thirty years, has received congratulatory messages from numerous public figures who have been the subjects of his cartoons including all previous prime ministers and at least one member of the Royal Family. But not from Jeremy Corbyn whose spokesman politely declined to offer his congratulations and said that ‘none of the cartoons he had seen about Jeremy were funny’. As if. Perhaps he should Czech more carefully. (See Comrade Corbyn, 18 February if you don’t follow.)

You’ve heard of Matt, he draws cartoons,
Makes politicians look like goons,
And as he does them he pokes fun,
At pretty nearly anyone.

They mostly like it, many say,
His cartoons brighten up their day,
And some have hung them on the wall,
So they can’t be upset at all.

And now, it seems, it’s thirty years,
That he’s been ribbing lord’s and sirs,
And even some who claim to be,
Part of the Royal Family.

So on this ‘birthday’, most have sent,
Their wishes which are all well-meant,
Including all PMs alive,
Which you can count – they number five.

But not, it seems, has Corbyn, J,
Instead of which his man did say,
“This time I think we will decline,
For, maybe since they’re not in rhyme,
The ones with Jeremy have not,
Made any of us laugh a lot.
And that is all we have to say,
So, thanks for asking, now, good day!”

You might think this is rather terse,
And wrong to blame the lack of verse;
But maybe communists like him,
Make living so dreadfully grim,
And peasants must be so servile,
That no-one has a need to smile.

So let your watchword be, “Take care!”
If you are in a cartoon where,
You might be portrayed as a fool,
Or be subject to ridicule.

Your comments, then, should not be terse,
And certainly must not be worse;
You really must not think too deep,
But a sense of proportion keep.

But back to Corbyn, people say,
He shouldn’t be PM one day.
And now, perhaps, we have the proof,
Because, we find, he stays aloof,
And unlike all PMs before,
He might declare an all out war,
Against cartoonists in the Press,
That cause him such undue distress.

Image – Ebenezer Bean