FINGER ON THE BUTTON?

Panic button

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn is still refusing to say that he would launch a nuclear weapon.

JC has many times been asked,
If he could contemplate the task,
Of launching missiles just before,
We’re consumed by nuclear war.

He never really answered right,
And then again on Friday night,
To his discomfort and great pain,
A questioner asked him again.

A rambling ‘answer’ then ensued,
In which he said he’d not be rude,
And rather than a missile fire,
Whose consequences would be dire,
Instead he’d be prepared to talk,
Taking the role of dove, not hawk.

He says this is a better way,
Because the worst – how can I say –
While we’d be blown to smithereens,
There wouldn’t be such dreadful scenes,
In Moscow or indeed Pyongyang,
Where bombs might otherwise go ‘Bang!’

So now we know the man’s imbued,
With certain moral rectitude,
And so the answer’s ‘No’ not ‘Yes’,
Because he’ll not the button press.

And if he thinks this is all right,
Eventually he’ll get a fright,
For with friend Putin in the east,
A few of us might be deceased.

THE INQUEST

#juniordoctorsstrike Jeremy Corbyn

It is reported that the general election has finished and the Conservatives fared badly.

At times like this is isn’t long,
Before it’s asked, ‘What did go wrong?’
And yesterday folk did ask that,
In just about five minutes flat.

The journalists all give their views,
Which get reported in the news,
And others also ask why they,
Have been let down by Mrs May.

The reason’s complex, I would say,
But principally Mrs May,
Judged that she was so far ahead,
That if to people she now said,
She’d not their winter fuel pay,
They wouldn’t have a place to stray.

Then secondly the PM feels,
That she should end their free school meals,
And finally if people find,
That they are going off their mind,
Then it is really only fair,
That they themselves should pay for care.

This upset folk so very much,
That Tories were kicked into touch,
And then to make things all the worse,
J Corbyn opened up his purse,
And set about to buy their vote,
With lots of things that we might note.

Free childcare – please ignore the cost –
The lock on pensions won’t be lost,
And if you go to uni-v,
Then your tuition will be free.

So ‘Vote for me,’ you heard him say,
And not for Tory Mrs May,
And we’ll be sure to guarantee,
That everything you want is free!

DIS-MAY

Downing St sign

It is reported that voting in the 2017 general election has ended.

I’m sitting here with glass in hand,
Not sure who will soon rule the land,
With Mr Corbyn, Mrs May,
Both hoping they have won today.

The exit poll seems to suggest,
That no party has passed the test,
But by around half two or three,
The outcome could quite different be.

It’s now just gone eleven o’clock,
And forecasts could be all to cock;
We wait results with open mouth:
Newcastle and Sunderland South.

These two are first to do the count,
And as they do the tensions mount,
Because the numbers that they quote,
Predict the outcome of the vote.

And here it comes: a Labour win,
They always do, no need for spin,
And the forecast based on this first:
It’s not clear who should fear the worst.

So ten results by now are in,
And parties are still in a spin,
’Cos though things are a bit improved,
The UKIP vote has been removed,
But spread between the other two,
And which just might the outcome skew.

As things continued through the night,
Results came in as it got light,
With votes lost to a large degree,
By UKIP and the SNP.

But while people went off to bed,
More of them turned not blue but red,
And by the morning it was plain,
That Labour made the biggest gain,
And Mrs May was badly stung,
With Parliament for certain hung.

So with this mess what can we do?
Somebody has to rule but who?
An answer now will take some time –
And quite a few bottles of wine!

GENERAL ELECTION

Polling Station

It is reported that there is a general election tomorrow.

Campaigning’s almost at an end,
After six weeks of earbend,
As politicians to a man*,
Try to recruit you as a fan.

Campaigning has been rather odd,
Each leader out there on his* tod,
And ministers kept far away,
For fear of what they might all say.

There’ve been exceptions – Abbott, Di. –
Descending sometimes from on high,
To say that we need more police,
And they’re just thirty quid apiece.

Their reasoning is fairly plain:
The Tories thought that they would gain,
With Mrs May out to the fore,
Attracting votes as not before.

And Labour who thought they’d no hope,
Just wanted to stick their chief dope,
In front of cameras on his own,
So when he had the whole thing blown,
They’d say it really was a shame,
But everyone knew who to blame.

And then of him they might get shot,
Replace him with some sort of bot,
And then they’d hope in prose or rhyme,
To have some better luck next time.

But half-way through things went awry,
When manifestoes one could buy,
And then it seemed that Mrs May,
Might possibly have had her day.

While Mr Corbyn, dear old soul,
Found that he did enjoy his rôle,
And as the days passed he could see,
A surge in popularity.

So as we reach election day,
With everything now back in play,
We’ll have to see who got it right –
We’ll find out on election night.

* or woman
* or her

Image – Secretlondon123

SLANGING MATCH!

Caroline Lucas

It is reported that in the BBC General Election Leaders’ Debate the speakers repeatedly criticised the Prime Minister for sending a stand-in but perhaps there should also have been mention of the SNP’s missing leader, the Labour U-turn and the Greens’ inability to send anyone else. Read on.

You may have seen last night’s debate,
With people who each other hate,
Exchanging insults as to who,
Had not seen fit to turn up too.

The worst, of course, was Mrs May,
“She must be somewhere else today,”
Said Mr Farron, the Lib Dem,
“And if you go and lift the hem,
Of your net curtains you might find,
She’s checking on your state of mind,
So that she will then know the max,
You’ll pay in the dementia tax.”

The others then all had a go,
But strangely, no-one seemed to know,
That Sturgeon of the SNP,
Also some other place must be.

The reason we can only guess,
But p’rhaps it’s ’cos she’s talking less,
And for now’s sitting on the fence,
On plans for Scots’ independence.

Then Jerry who late in the day,
Announced he’d not now stay away,
Had reckoned, you know like you do,
More votes for Labour might ensue.

Perhaps he thinks it’s all a game,
To try to put Ms May to shame,
But whether any good ’twill do,
At this stage no-one has a clue.

And last there’s Lucas, Party Green,
Who still looks no more than sixteen,
She is a leader – one of two –
So it should be quite plain to you,
With two leaders for each MP,
It’s really pretty hard to see,
No matter what she might intend,
How she could not a leader send.

Image – https://www.flickr.com/photos/0742/ underclassrising.net

BACK IN THE USSR

Lenin

It is reported that the Labour Party’s manifesto for the general election has been leaked to the Press. Here are some of the highlights.

The cat’s no longer in the bag,
For someone’s leaked the Labour rag,
That is their manifesto which,
Is causing folk to moan and bitch.

It’s been designed to please the crowd,
And writers are immensely proud,
Of all the principles within,
Together with a bit of spin.

So let us have a little look,
At what’s included in this book.

The first is tax, rich but not poor,
Will be asked to pay that bit more,
But most are likely to decline,
And have another glass of wine.

Then workers’ rights and workers’ pay,
The unions want a real say,
Insisting firms that day to day,
Supply the Government must pay,
Their boss a max of twenty times,
The lowest paid in pounds or dimes.

Defence contractors should watch out,
Because this rule they will all flout,
And should the Government insist,
And get their knickers in a twist,
They will find that they can’t obtain,
The weapons even just to train,
Then should we see the Russian Bear,
There won’t be many weapons there.

Perhaps that is not the intent,
But if it’s something else that’s meant,
Then they should make it very plain,
So we won’t have to ask again.

Now onto rail and also bus,
Which can cause such an awful fuss,
And everybody’s heard before,
That people do sit on the floor!

The answer really is quite plain,
It’s public ownership again,
That is what’s needed without doubt,
To sort our transport system out.

And while we’re getting all these gains,
We will scrap all those one-man trains,
Which Southern Rail thought were so good,
And would deploy them if they could.

So we will make your travel fun,
In snow and rain or even sun,
And we will promise that you might,
On most weekdays get home at night.

And finally we come to pubs,
Which also includes social clubs,
Although there once were lots and lots,
They’re closing at a rate of knots.

This is so bad it just won’t do,
Or we’ll be left with far too few,
So we will save the Merry Monk,
Then everyone can still get drunk!

So that is it just vote for me,
So these improvements you will see,
And then you’ll all know where you are –
It’s back in the USSR!

With apologies to The Beatles.