ELECTION RESULT! … FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH AND A FULL MOON! … AAARGH!

election2

It is reported that the general election votes are being counted and the results will soon be announced.

It rained and drizzled yesterday,
Not good, not bad, I ought to say,
But very shortly we shall see,
What the result will likely be.

I’m sitting here with glass in hand,
Expecting might be Sunderland,
To first declare then experts will,
(Although they might have little skill)
Predict the outcome overall,
If it is not too close to call.

But if it is we’ll have to wait,
For counts done at a slower rate,
So the best I can do, I think,
Is sit here and not spill my drink.

(I have, in fact, a small supply,
Of ale and lager so that I,
Can make a toast and drink it down,
Or otherwise my sorrows drown.)

It’s not yet twelve, result is here,
Now down to half a pint of beer;
If it goes on like this all night,
I fear I might get rather tight.

This first result, Newcastle Cent.,
Shows changes of some few percent,
Towards the Tories who improved,
But Labour was not there removed.

A Labour win was not in doubt,
But now the swing based on this count,
Suggests the likely outcome might,
Be Boris J has won outright.

But now we really ought to wait,
Before announcing what the fate,
Of both these men will likely be:
One won, one lost … but what of we?

“COOPERATE” COMRADE!

kremlin

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn told reporters in Blackpool that they had to cooperate with him, saying: “Under socialism you will all cooperate.”

A country extreme left or right,
Does not like what reporters write,
And so some liberties they take,
Like claiming all the news is fake.

But if they still don’t get their way,
Controlling what broadcasters say,
They might take things into their hands,
And journalists could find they’re banned.

This takeover of free debate,
Dressed up and called ‘cooperate’,
Could be what Mr Corbyn meant,
When he described thus his intent,
In Blackpool where it’s always warm,
And lots of sunshine is the norm.

If that sounds wrong it’s just the way,
I must report things from today,
And so already it’s my fate,
With JC to ‘cooperate’.

But wait a minute, I have here,
More weather news which is quite clear:
It says, though words are rather sparse,
The sun shines out of Corbyn’s ****!

SMLE PLEASE

teeth

It is reported that Labour has promised free dental checkups for all if it wins the election. But the cost of treatment is down to you.

So everyone will get a check,
To see their teeth are all in spec.,
And if they are then that is fine –
It should be like that every time.

But if they’re bad we have to say,
For treatment you’ll still have to pay,
And that will cost a lot more than,
You would expect with any plan.

So if you’ve cash – one of the ‘few’ –
That’s OK, just get in the queue,
But if you’re skint and cannot pay,
Then we have got another way.

This is quite simple and for why?
You can a Black and Decker buy,
At discount price so very cheap,
And then the drill is yours to keep.

But do not fret, don’t be alarmed,
It isn’t likely you’ll be harmed,
Because when you look in the case,
Instructions will prevent mistakes!

Then when your teeth are smooth and white,
And you know how to do things right,
You can make money on the side,
By doing other folk beside.

PLEASE … PLEASE … PLEASE DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER

jeremy corbyn

It is reported that at Labour campaign events the leadership has been begging its supporters not to abuse journalists for asking questions.

Left wingers might not be much use,
But they are experts in abuse;
They are determined to condemn
You if you don’t agree with them.

A favourite target is the Press,
Who do not always answer ‘yes’,
And like to question – it’s their job –
Even surrounded by a mob.

So at events in this campaign.
Supporters were asked to refrain,
From booing at the questions asked,
And had they this instruction grasped?

Initially it seemed they had;
Behaviour started not too bad,
But habits which are old die hard,
A problem now in this regard.

For when it got to question three,
It seems the aforementioned plea,
Had been forgotten or ignored,
Or were they all just getting bored?

So it seems it is back to type,
And notwithstanding all the hype,
If with the Left you don’t agree,
Prepare then for the third degree.

FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, LEND ME YOUR VOTES

jullius

It is reported that four (former) Labour MPs are urging people to vote Conservative at the general election as they say Jeremy Corbyn is a disgrace and unsuitable to be prime minister.

Elections come, elections go,
And it is not so hard to know,
Whom you should vote for on the day,
If you have always polled that way.

To illustrate what you should do,
If you are Labour through and through,
Then you should go there if you can,
And vote just for the Labour man.

But this time he (the Labour guy),
Is urging you to pass him by,
And vote for Boris (other side),
For Jeremy he does deride.

He says he should not be PM,
Not long-term or even pro-tem,
Because the damage he would do –
Bad for the many and the few –
Would be bad in all sorts of ways,
Based on the message he conveys.

So if you’re minded cast your vote,
So it’s least likely to promote,
The Labour leader to PM,
And keep him out of Number Ten.

LITTLE MISS BOSSY

Bossy 487173677_d55f5c100c_b

(With apologies to Roger Hargreaves)

It is reported that Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn are to have a head-to-head debate on ITV and this has attracted a complaint by Jo Swinson of the so-called Lib Dem’s as she doesn’t like being left out

So ITV was pleased to say,
That in about a fortnight they,
Will have a programme of debate,
Which they think will be really great.

For Jezz and Boris will take part,
Each thinking they are rather smart,
And both quite pleased that Little Miss,
Will be excluded from all this.

But Bossy Miss lodged a complaint,
She did a dreadful picture paint,
Accusing good old ITV,
Of discrimination against she.

“I am a woman?” She exclaimed,
“And ITV should be ashamed.
There was no problem yesteryear,
When former boss Nick Clegg was there.”

But ITV said they were not,
A part of some big sexist plot,
And at this time they will – not might –
Make sure that what they do is right.

This story has some way to go,
For Bossy Miss won’t give up so,
Do please tune in and read each day,
What Bossy Miss has got to say.

Image – Joe Schlabotnik / Roger Hargreaves

CROSS WORDS

gun

It is reported that on the Andrew Marr show on 29 September it was suggested that the Prime Minister’s use of language that might be considered to encourage violence such as ‘surrender’ (more likely to reduce violence in a military context?), and ‘humbug’ (mint projectiles at dawn?) should be calmed down. In the event, the programme discussed very little else and bad language emanating from supporters of the other side of the House such as ‘coup’, ‘hanged’, ‘drawn’, ‘quartered’ ‘lamppost’ and ‘bollocks’ seemed somehow to have escaped attention.

So language is the things we say,
We mostly use some words each day,
But enemies will soon complain,
Especially those for Remain.

This happened big time just last week,
Where in the Commons those that speak,
Decided that they ought to shout,
To try to drown the others out.

And in addition words were used,
That should, perhaps, not be excused,
And this has started quite a row,
With lots of ‘holier than thou’.

Then people called for increased calm,
To minimise the risk of harm,
From people who might hurl abuse,
And use these words as an excuse.

Now by the weekend all this was,
A problem for TV because,
The way reporters work today,
Exaggerates what they all say.

So playing down was now the theme,
But like those things we call a meme,
They all had to exaggerate,
Or try their best at any rate.

Except, that is, for Boris J,
Who diligently said that they,
Should tone it down and not portray,
Words in such an unseemly way.

But all the while he was drowned out,
By Andrew Marr who didn’t shout,
But constantly did interrupt,
These calmer answers to obstruct.

So all in all, not very good,
The interviewer really should,
Have minimised what all did say,
So that these words might fade away.

But on a broader note, perhaps,
Our metaphors might all collapse,
As some of them will now be seen,
As rabble rousing or obscene.

But really, it’s not words but deeds,
That will most likely sow the seeds,
Of protest where some folk’s intent,
Is always to be violent.

So as you go about your life,
Alone, maybe, or with the wife,
Of metaphors, both you and her,
Don’t dare say ‘shoot the messenger’!