NUMBERS, WHAT NUMBERS?

McDonnell John

It is reported that the Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell, has poo-pooed the idea that he should discuss financial figures in interviews because he has ‘iPads and advisers to deal with that sort of thing’.

“Now when our party comes to power,
We will, for sure, within the hour,
Renationalise the rail and such,
And, really, it won’t cost too much.

That is because it will all pay,
As more workers go on their way,
And since I am not under oath,
I can say we’ll see lots of growth.

So that’s a ‘one-to-one return’,
Because more people work and earn,
And with the extra tax they pay,
It’s easy to the costs defray.”

“That sounds like nonsense, now to me,
Costs will rise exponentially,
So for our listeners at a loss,
Please tell them how much this will cost.”

“To ask me that just is not right,
It’s journalism rather trite,
And, in fact, it just makes me mad,
For I’ve advisors with iPad.

So I don’t need to know the figs,
And whether they are small or big;
The only thing you need to do,
Is listen when I say to you,
That though it sounds a bit oddball,
It won’t cost anything at all!

So do believe me when I say,
Things will work really well this way,
And if they don’t then it’s just tough –
I’m old and I have had enough.”

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VAGUE PROMISES

Jeremy_Corbyn,_Tolpuddle_2016,_1_crop

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn denies claiming that he would cancel student debt if Labour won the 2017 general election. He just said he would ‘deal with it’.

Now Corbyn promised in campaign,
That student debt which was a pain,
Would be dealt with sine qua non,
If he had the election won.

He chose his wording though with care,
Implying to those listening there,
That they should be in little doubt,
That all their debts would be wiped out.

Election finished, he did well,
Compared to what most did foretell,
But fortunately it might seem,
He does not lead the seats of green,
And so he is not having to,
Make promises like that come true.

When challenged now by Andrew Marr,
He said that it was all just blah,
For when he promised it to you,
He really didn’t have a clue,
How much the cost would really be,
So couldn’t say it would be free.

But people say it had effect,
In causing students to expect,
That voting Labour on the day,
Would see their worries melt away.

A lesson then for voters who,
Believe the parties as some do;
If they are promising things nice,
Please check their wording is precise!

Image – Rwendland / Wikimedia commons

MONEY! MONEY! MONEY!

money-351078_960_720

In the aftermath of the general election it is reported that Jeremy Corbyn has a plan to increase the minimum wage for sixteen to eighteen year olds to £10 per hour.

So Corbyn very nearly won,
Because young voters thought the sun,
As I’ll now try to rhyme and parse,
Shone all the time out of his arse.

The reason really is quite clear,
For he had given them a steer,
That uni fees would all be scrapped,
At which young people were all rapt.

With other things on offer too,
Made to the many, not the few,
So many people would cash in,
That they would likely vote for him.

But since he lost he’s got a plan,
That every teenage boy or man,
Should have their hourly rate increased,
To ten pounds, doubling it at least.

“So vote for me! You’ll be quids in.
All this is true, it isn’t spin,
And money for this higher rate,
Will be paid by the ones we hate;
The ones you always ought to boo –
That’s not the many but the few!”

So Corbyn in his power grab,
Makes out it will be really fab,
With everybody due a treat,
Once he’s installed in Downing Street.

The upshot, though, is that these yobs,
Will all be priced out of their jobs,
And Corbyn’s plan will be complete,
When there are riots in the street.

So let your watchword be ‘Take care’,
When you’re assessing Corbyn there,
It’s better you’ve a job than not,
So kick him out – he’s just a Trot!

FINGER ON THE BUTTON?

Panic button

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn is still refusing to say that he would launch a nuclear weapon.

JC has many times been asked,
If he could contemplate the task,
Of launching missiles just before,
We’re consumed by nuclear war.

He never really answered right,
And then again on Friday night,
To his discomfort and great pain,
A questioner asked him again.

A rambling ‘answer’ then ensued,
In which he said he’d not be rude,
And rather than a missile fire,
Whose consequences would be dire,
Instead he’d be prepared to talk,
Taking the role of dove, not hawk.

He says this is a better way,
Because the worst – how can I say –
While we’d be blown to smithereens,
There wouldn’t be such dreadful scenes,
In Moscow or indeed Pyongyang,
Where bombs might otherwise go ‘Bang!’

So now we know the man’s imbued,
With certain moral rectitude,
And so the answer’s ‘No’ not ‘Yes’,
Because he’ll not the button press.

And if he thinks this is all right,
Eventually he’ll get a fright,
For with friend Putin in the east,
A few of us might be deceased.

THE INQUEST

#juniordoctorsstrike Jeremy Corbyn

It is reported that the general election has finished and the Conservatives fared badly.

At times like this is isn’t long,
Before it’s asked, ‘What did go wrong?’
And yesterday folk did ask that,
In just about five minutes flat.

The journalists all give their views,
Which get reported in the news,
And others also ask why they,
Have been let down by Mrs May.

The reason’s complex, I would say,
But principally Mrs May,
Judged that she was so far ahead,
That if to people she now said,
She’d not their winter fuel pay,
They wouldn’t have a place to stray.

Then secondly the PM feels,
That she should end their free school meals,
And finally if people find,
That they are going off their mind,
Then it is really only fair,
That they themselves should pay for care.

This upset folk so very much,
That Tories were kicked into touch,
And then to make things all the worse,
J Corbyn opened up his purse,
And set about to buy their vote,
With lots of things that we might note.

Free childcare – please ignore the cost –
The lock on pensions won’t be lost,
And if you go to uni-v,
Then your tuition will be free.

So ‘Vote for me,’ you heard him say,
And not for Tory Mrs May,
And we’ll be sure to guarantee,
That everything you want is free!

DIS-MAY

Downing St sign

It is reported that voting in the 2017 general election has ended.

I’m sitting here with glass in hand,
Not sure who will soon rule the land,
With Mr Corbyn, Mrs May,
Both hoping they have won today.

The exit poll seems to suggest,
That no party has passed the test,
But by around half two or three,
The outcome could quite different be.

It’s now just gone eleven o’clock,
And forecasts could be all to cock;
We wait results with open mouth:
Newcastle and Sunderland South.

These two are first to do the count,
And as they do the tensions mount,
Because the numbers that they quote,
Predict the outcome of the vote.

And here it comes: a Labour win,
They always do, no need for spin,
And the forecast based on this first:
It’s not clear who should fear the worst.

So ten results by now are in,
And parties are still in a spin,
’Cos though things are a bit improved,
The UKIP vote has been removed,
But spread between the other two,
And which just might the outcome skew.

As things continued through the night,
Results came in as it got light,
With votes lost to a large degree,
By UKIP and the SNP.

But while people went off to bed,
More of them turned not blue but red,
And by the morning it was plain,
That Labour made the biggest gain,
And Mrs May was badly stung,
With Parliament for certain hung.

So with this mess what can we do?
Somebody has to rule but who?
An answer now will take some time –
And quite a few bottles of wine!