Cream tea

It is reported that an advertisement for National Trust property Lanhydrock House in Cornwall has been criticised – no, castigated – for showing a photograph of a Cornish cream tea with the jam on top of the cream. Meanwhile, a few miles to the east, Salisbury is still coming to terms with its Russian nerve gas attack.

The Cornish cream tea as you know,
Has cream above the jam and so,
If one is made the wrong way round,
The consequence could be profound.

This differs from the place next door,
(Which has two separate bits of shore)
Where Cornish-style would be a flop,
So here the jam is on the top.

Imagine, then, should people see,
A Cornish restaurant serving tea,
With Devon-style scones on the plate,
Which they consider second-rate.

Complaints would come in fast and thick,
Some saying that it makes them sick,
And how they are so very shocked,
Their cream tea could be so up-cocked.

You might think this a bit extreme,
Complaining ’bout a bit of cream,
While Wiltshire, slightly to the east,
Would think that this would be the least,
Of its worries while it’s still wracked,
Since it with nerve gas was attacked.

But notwithstanding this, the Trust,
Perhaps not wanting to go bust,
Has said the culprit will be caught,
And then they’re thinking that he ought,
Most probably to get the sack,
Unless his brain is back on track.

You might think this is too severe,
Would in their staff instil great fear,
But we can really not accept,
That something which is so inept,
And causing such cream tea turmoil,
Be carried out on British soil!


Beach chairs

It is reported that Cornwall is a favourite holiday destination for Germans but they think it includes Devon as well.

The Germans like, it seems to me,
To holiday beside the sea,
Because, I think, since days of yore,
They don’t have all that much seashore.

They travel in their thousands so,
Cornwall is where they want to go,
And generally to get there they,
Must pass through Devon on the way.

They stop for tea, it’s likely ham,
Then scones with cream first then the jam,
But later on when farther west,
The cream tea they can there digest,
Is upside down, the cream’s on top,
The same in each and every shop.

The reason is, though they don’t know,
The two counties are different so,
For scones with cream and fruit conserve,
Tradition dictates how they’re served.

This might seem like some sort of ruse,
Designed to foreigners confuse,
And if so then it works a treat,
Confusing them each time they eat.

But Germans don’t like to be tricked;
A sense of humour? – Weiss es nicht!
So they drive on and when they reach,
Their destination – that’s the beach –
They do what they’ve learnt in the Med,
And commandeer all the sunbeds.

They spread their towels, no eyelid bat,
“Don’t touch now or there’ll be a spat!”
But they forgot, whereas in Spain,
The rain falls mainly on the plain,
In Cornwall, even when it’s fair,
It’s likely pouring everywhere.

So sunbeds are not hard to get,
Because they’re always soaking wet,
And if a towel’s left thereon,
It quite soon will have undergone,
A change that will be for the worse,
Causing, perhaps, a German curse!

Image – juicyverve / Flickr