THANK GOODNESS FOR FAT, DRUNKEN SMOKERS!

Skull smoking

It is reported that people who are overweight or drink or smoke save the government money because the tobacco and alcohol taxes they pay plus the pensions saved owing to their shorter lives far exceed the cost of their medical treatment.

It had been thought that it was good,
To stay as healthy as we could,
And this was helped by staying thin,
Not smoking and not drinking gin.

So governments tried to persuade,
Us to drink only lemonade,
To stay thin, therefore not much Coke,
And definitely not to smoke.

But consequences then arose,
Because if we avoid all those
Bad things which might be thought a sin,
Not so much tax comes rolling in.

And then to make things even worse,
The late arrival of our hearse,
Means we will need our pension for,
Much longer than it was before.

And during this late lease of life,
Senility will be so rife,
That we will all need constant care –
More cost for someone else to bear.

This cannot work, you must agree,
The government’s no cash you see;
The situation’s not robust,
And so we’ll likely all go bust.

The answer, though, is pretty plain,
The government must yet again,
Review the advice that it gives,
Concerning how we all should live.

So they’ll say what we have to do,
Is smoke and drink and party too,
So that we all get big and fat,
And pop our clogs by fifty flat!

DRUNK(?) AS A NEWT

Drunk sign

It is reported that a study has found that drinking does not change one’s personality, it just makes us talk louder.

Some people do sometimes get drunk,
And while they’re like a smelly skunk,
They claim that what they’ve drunk that day,
Does more than just change what they say,
And drinking more than two or three,
Can change their personality.

This has been studied at some length,
With drinks consumed of different strength,
And the conclusion they have found,
Is drinking much more than one round,
Does not have this effect at all,
But could contribute to a brawl.

It doesn’t change, researchers say,
The drinkers personalité,
But lager, beer and even stout,
Can make a normal person shout.

The drinker really stays unchanged,
So even if he seems deranged,
He shouts out what he wants to say,
Including whether he will pay.

So let your watchword be ‘Take care’,
When you are standing drinking there,
And if you’ve had a lot that day,
Do please try not to shout, just say.