SQUARING THE CIRCLES?

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It is reported that Theresa May and the European Commission thought they had reached agreement on the Irish border conundrum but it seems nobody asked the DUP.

I’m not intending to explain,
(For that would just create more pain,)
What was said and maybe was not,
Both in and out of earshot,
About the Irish border which,
In Brexit’s something of a glitch.

Too many people think they’ve got,
A veto and so the upshot.
Is, frankly, no-one will agree,
How border travel can be free.

And these demands that some maintain,
Are very different (not the same),
And no-one’s even slightly wise,
And hence prepared to compromise.

So all these circles can’t be squared,
With some of the pain being shared;
In fact, no-one at all would budge,
So this last draft was just a fudge.

On the EU side this seemed fine,
They do these fudges all the time;
But harder heads were now at play,
Who found out and to their dismay,
When they discovered what was writ,
They all had a collective fit.

The detail I will not repeat,
So trouble not to take your seat;
But I say this because it’s clear:
There isn’t even a veneer,
Of common sense in what’s been said,
So no basis to go ahead.

What happens next we can but guess,
There might be more dismay, not less,
But I hope in the future tense,
We might see some more common sense.

At least The Donald’s not involved,
He might think this a problem solved;
But Ireland wouldn’t build a wall,
They’d not want that at all at all.

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BROWN OR PALE?

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It is reported that biscuit manufacturers are having to bake their products at lower temperatures so as to reduce acrylamide levels in accordance with EU (what else?) regulations.

Biscuits are well-established food,
So changing them might seem quite rude,
But the EU has handed down,
New rules that say they are too brown.

So bakers have to take some flak –
Though less than if they were all black –
For in the past they haven’t tried,
Reducing the acrylamide.

This compound is, you might have guessed,
For people’s health not quite the best,
And it is made, as like as not,
When flour and starch is baked too hot.

So biscuits should be baked quite cool,
Max hundred twenty is the rule,
But this then means what goes on sale,
Can sometimes look a trifle pale.

While disconcerting this might be,
When dunked, or not, into your tea,
You really do not need to fret,
That ’twill disintegrate when wet.

For bakers have now got it licked,
And at the temperature that’s picked,
They simply close the oven door,
And let them bake for some time more.

The biscuits, then, are nice and crithp,
Said with or without any lithp,
And so they will still always be,
OK for dunking in your tea!

THEY BLINKED FIRST!

Blinking

It is reported that, following Theresa May’s meeting with EU leaders last week, several are almost falling over themselves to say what good progress has been made and that a no deal Brexit is unimaginable.

So back to Brexit. What a treat!
Not much has happened that’s concrete,
Since talking started months ago,
And got bogged down on what we owe.

This was a quite enormous bill,
Which would the EU coffers fill,
While we, avoiding tempers frayed,
Just simply want to talk on trade.

So, last week, with consummate grace,
Our polite PM played her ace,
And said we would start to prepare,
For what some see as a nightmare,
Which is we leave, not having made,
Agreement on the terms for trade.

It seems, now, common sense has dawned,
And in the other leaders spawned,
Comments so positive that they,
A very different view portray,
Than what old Michel Barnier,
Has had to express day by day.

So Merkel said talks had been good,
While Juncker said all parties should,
Conclude a trade deal ’cos he’d hate,
Alternatives to contemplate.

And Donald Tusk, the Pole in charge,
Proclaimed that, really, by and large,
Reports of deadlock were too great –
Some had sought to exaggerate.

Of leaders there was only one –
The little French Napoleon –
Who still stuck to his former view,
And wanted just to Britain screw.

And Michel Barnier, in a rage,
Was clearly on a different page,
Perhaps because his former words,
Have now been made to look absurd.

So three loud cheers for Mrs May,
For she did pretty well that day,
She’a moved things on a bit, I think,
And all because she didn’t blink!

MORE EUROS PLEASE

Wine red

It is reported that European Commissioners are travelling extravagantly and being paid expenses without having to submit receipts.

So what is new? This is folklore,
And we have heard it all before;
The leaders of the great EU,
Have always known just what to do,
To travel in the way that’s best,
No matter North, South, East or West.

So when they fly they travel first,
Which means their leg-room’s more dispersed,
And though there is Champagne on tap,
There’s that bit more room for a nap.

But sometimes first class is too plain,
So they might want to think again,
And since there’s still more money yet,
They might quite like a private jet.

Now private jets do not come cheap,
And though the EU’s pockets deep,
They’re struggling now to pay the fare,
To keep their people in the air.

So what to do? The cash is short,
And still more tickets must be bought;
Perhaps they could tell Mrs May,
In Brexit she will have to pay.

A hundred billion might do,
The UK paying isn’t new,
So they will know just how to send,
The money for them all to spend.

The Brits will doubtless moan and bitch,
And go on endlessly ’bout which,
Clause in the treaty says that they,
Have anything at all to pay.

They’ll say the figure is too high,
But you know just as well as I,
That if your spending at their rate,
A hundred billion isn’t great!

Image – Les Haines / Flickr

HOW TO PEEL A BANANA

Banana Dolphins

It is reported that bananas should be peeled starting at the non-stalk end.

Bananas come, bananas go,
But one thing that you ought to know,
When opening one is your intent,
No matter be it straight or bent,
Is from which end you ought to peel,
So to prepare it for your meal.

Now monkeys, ’cos they’re very smart,
All know at which end they should start;
It’s not the stalk end that they choose,
Instead the other one they use.

So we should take our cue from them,
No longer starting at the stem,
Then as we do prepare our treat,
Our enjoyment will be complete.

And so that we will peel this way,
You ought to know ’til Brexit day,
Procedures for this simple chore,
Will be enshrined in EU law.

FROTTER LEUR NEZ DEDANS

May 09 Macron

It is reported that Emmanuel Macron, the new French President elect, entered his first speech engagement to the music of Ode to Joy, the anthem of the European Union, rather than La Marseillaise as might have been expected.

Macron’s just beaten Ms Le Pen,
The leader of right-wing FN,
Which said it would stand up for the,
Country against the EEC.

Most people were quite keen on this,
Have tendencies quite nationalist,
And would have voted for Le Pen,
If she’d not been in the FN,
With all it’s dark unpleasant past,
At which they mostly were aghast.

They voted therefore for Macron,
So the conclusion was foregone,
He certainly was not a slob,
But just the best of a bad job.

One might have thought then when he won,
The first thing that he might have done,
Would be to show that he was smart,
And had the people’s France at heart.

But no! As he made to address,
His first meeting you’d never guess,
The music played was Ode to Joy,
Quite likely therefore to annoy,
Those folk not wanting to stargaze,
And who preferred La Marseillaise.

So this was Macron’s first mistake,
For though he did the most votes take,
They only voted for him then,
Because they didn’t like FN.

So now he really must take care,
With demonstrations in the air,
He should be careful how he goes,
And not to get up people’s nose!

Ecole Polytechnique Université / Flickr

JACKBOOTS AT DAWN?

Jackboots

It is reported that the Europeans have been making critical, unhelpful and probably inaccurate briefings following a dinner at No 10 with the Prime Minister.

You will have seen that Mrs May,
Was furious all yesterday,
And so she thought she’d better speak,
About the happenings of last week.

The acrimony started when,
Post dinner held at Number Ten,
The Europeans dared to say,
That the PM had lost her way.

They said she off her trolley was,
And they knew this for sure because,
When their demands to her were put,
She muttered something like ‘tut tut’.

And when they said that Mrs May,
Would have a hefty bill to pay,
And she asked them how much it was,
They said they couldn’t say because,
Although they’d worked it out before,
By now it had gone up some more.

The dinner over, off they went,
To make some trouble their intent,
And so with their jack-booted ma’am,
They set about to do some harm.

So leaks appeared both thick and fast –
We’ve seen a few but not the last –
And then the Germans waded in,
With statements not devoid of spin.

While this might not be quite the norm,
The Germans nonetheless have form,
And know how to a country fleece,
As recently they did to Greece.

So May then off the handle flew,
Said, “This behaviour will not do!
And when our people have a vote,
You better hadn’t rock the boat!”

Back home it didn’t take too long,
For Mrs Sturgeon’s Scottish tongue,
To say behind a concerned face,
That Mrs May was a disgrace.

“You cannot talk to them this way,
Or else there will be hell to pay,
And such rudeness just has to be,
A technique that’s reserved for me!”

Image – Spera.de Designershuhe / Flickr