HEAVY LIFT

fat-3313923_960_720

It is reported that fire brigades are increasingly being called out to move obese people in their homes using heavy lifting gear as they are too big and heavy to move under their own steam.

If you are fat, folk used to say,
It doesn’t matter anyway,
But now most people’s views have changed –
Your weight should stay within a range.

A proper weight’s not just a fad,
For those in question fat is bad,
Because it really puts a strain,
On heart and possibly the brain.

Their body simply gets too big,
There’s no chance they can dance a jig,
And so the firemen get called in,
To take these people for a spin.

But firemen say, “Now just a mo.
We are supposed to fires to go.
Not moving folk who are obese,
Because they contain too much grease.

If we spend time engaged in this,
Then fires and suchlike we will miss,
Which means that fires that start at home,
Will get no water, neither foam.

So fat folk who, as I have said,
Need help in getting out of bed,
Should get help elsewhere in the main –
Perhaps a hoist or mobile crane!”

SIZE + + +

Fat model

It is reported that to avoid the stigmatism overweight people may feel about the size of their bodies, clothes retailers are increasingly displaying plus sized models and clothing but this is having the unfortunate effect of leading fat people to think that they are a healthy weight and so have no need to diet.

If you are fat it isn’t good,
And you know that you really should,
Go on a diet, try to slim,
And see if you can end up trim.

Thin people do have more to choose,
When in the shop to clothes peruse,
And this increased choice means they can,
Find clothes that will attract a man.

(Some readers will say this is cant,
And really just a sexist rant,
And so, although I don’t agree,
I’ll write the verse again for free.)

Thin people do have more to choose,
When in the shop to clothes peruse,
And this increased choice means they should,
Quite easily find something good.

But now some shops which I won’t name,
Have more clothes for the larger frame,
So everyone from waif to fat,
Will find lots to be looking at.

But now folk with the fatter form,
Will start to think they are the norm,
And that their body, gay or straight,
Is pretty much the perfect weight.

So dieting is in the bin,
Although they’re very far from slim,
And as they choose clothes for their backs,
We can expect more heart attacks.

Embarrassment, then, has been swapped,
For less time till their clogs are popped,
So being fat might be OK,
But there could be a price to pay.

WEIGHT WATCHERS

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It is reported that Weight Watchers is to ditch ‘before and after’ photographs which emphasise the loss of weight that can be achieved on its programmes. Instead, the company says “… our members’ journeys are so much more about then than now; a journey of health with no beginning, middle or end and we want to connect with them through it because it is the relevant and modern way”. At least people knew what fat and thin actually meant.

Weight Watchers – we all know the brand –
They put you on a diet and,
You have to take it on the chin,
If you’re fat wanting to be thin.

They tell you what and not to eat,
Explain why you should never cheat,
And to encourage you some more,
Show pictures after and before.

“Just common sense,” I hear you say,
“Most people will progress that way.
We all should not our faces stuff,
When we have really had enough.”

But now correctness rears its head,
And in this day and age it’s said,
You cannot say nor yet imply,
That those with weights that may be high,
Should want to lose weight so that they,
Might be attractive in some way.

So gone are things we understand:
Not eating food, grilled, fried or canned,
And keeping off the spuds and bread,
With salads, fruit and veg instead.

So for Weight Watchers, what to do?
They still want customers like you,
And if they can’t show a result,
Promotions will be difficult.

But, having racked their brains, now they,
Have come up with some words to say,
Which will some sort of message send,
And not be likely to offend.

They say their members are en route,
Not only pies and things en croute;
There is no ending nor a start,
So if you want to look the part,
No-one can say when that might be –
You could still look like Tweedledee.
The problem is, I’ve not a clue,
What all this means and nor have you,
But I suppose we all should cheer –
It doesn’t say you can’t have beer!

THANK GOODNESS FOR FAT, DRUNKEN SMOKERS!

Skull smoking

It is reported that people who are overweight or drink or smoke save the government money because the tobacco and alcohol taxes they pay plus the pensions saved owing to their shorter lives far exceed the cost of their medical treatment.

It had been thought that it was good,
To stay as healthy as we could,
And this was helped by staying thin,
Not smoking and not drinking gin.

So governments tried to persuade,
Us to drink only lemonade,
To stay thin, therefore not much Coke,
And definitely not to smoke.

But consequences then arose,
Because if we avoid all those
Bad things which might be thought a sin,
Not so much tax comes rolling in.

And then to make things even worse,
The late arrival of our hearse,
Means we will need our pension for,
Much longer than it was before.

And during this late lease of life,
Senility will be so rife,
That we will all need constant care –
More cost for someone else to bear.

This cannot work, you must agree,
The government’s no cash you see;
The situation’s not robust,
And so we’ll likely all go bust.

The answer, though, is pretty plain,
The government must yet again,
Review the advice that it gives,
Concerning how we all should live.

So they’ll say what we have to do,
Is smoke and drink and party too,
So that we all get big and fat,
And pop our clogs by fifty flat!

DRINKS CANNED

drinks-can

It is reported that the NHS is planning to ban the sale of sugary drinks.

NHS in the news again,
Its job is easing people’s pain,
And curing them when they fall ill,
And won’t respond to just a pill.

From studies they’ve done they think that,
People who are obese – that’s fat –
Will fall ill more than average Joe,
So often will for treatment go.

It’s been suggested once before,
When fat folk walk in through the door,
For treatment they will have to wait,
Until they’ve lost some of their weight.

And now a little twist on this,
So they won’t their weight targets miss,
All hospitals will now be banned,
From selling bottled drinks or canned,
Containing sugar which is bad,
And, really, it is just a fad.

This will apply to staff as well,
So they will look not fat but swell,
And if a doctor’s svelte and trim,
The patients might just copy him.

In this way, then, the NHS,
Expects to spend not more but less;
It will stay in budget constraints,
For fewer folk will have complaints.

So if you’re getting rather fat,
Keep off the fizzy drinks or flat,
Then you’ll be treated right away,
And will live for another day.

Image – pixabay

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FIT NOT FAT

Hospital operating theatre

The NHS has no more cash,
And so it has to do things rash,
With balanced budgets incomplete,
It has to ration who it treats.

The principle it will apply,
To services it might supply,
Is that if you are gross or fat,
You’ll probably be turned down flat.

The same is true for smokers who,
Are also the back of the queue,
For in both cases, smoke and fat,
Your own misfortune you begat.

So if you want a knee or hip,
’Cos yours is giving you some gyp,
You must be able then to prove,
That your own health you will improve.

So if you’re fat you must reduce,
By eating less and less produce,
While smokers can all clear the air,
By proving that they do forswear,
Tobacco smoking – any form –
Which until now has been their norm.

And if you improve in this way,
You might get your new joint today,
So that with your new hip or knee,
You’ll very very happy be.

Image – http://www.thelisterhospital.com

Find all Ebenezer Bean’s books on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=ebenezer+bean&rh=n%3A341677031%2Ck%3Aebenezer+bean