THANK GOODNESS FOR FAT, DRUNKEN SMOKERS!

Skull smoking

It is reported that people who are overweight or drink or smoke save the government money because the tobacco and alcohol taxes they pay plus the pensions saved owing to their shorter lives far exceed the cost of their medical treatment.

It had been thought that it was good,
To stay as healthy as we could,
And this was helped by staying thin,
Not smoking and not drinking gin.

So governments tried to persuade,
Us to drink only lemonade,
To stay thin, therefore not much Coke,
And definitely not to smoke.

But consequences then arose,
Because if we avoid all those
Bad things which might be thought a sin,
Not so much tax comes rolling in.

And then to make things even worse,
The late arrival of our hearse,
Means we will need our pension for,
Much longer than it was before.

And during this late lease of life,
Senility will be so rife,
That we will all need constant care –
More cost for someone else to bear.

This cannot work, you must agree,
The government’s no cash you see;
The situation’s not robust,
And so we’ll likely all go bust.

The answer, though, is pretty plain,
The government must yet again,
Review the advice that it gives,
Concerning how we all should live.

So they’ll say what we have to do,
Is smoke and drink and party too,
So that we all get big and fat,
And pop our clogs by fifty flat!

DRINKS CANNED

drinks-can

It is reported that the NHS is planning to ban the sale of sugary drinks.

NHS in the news again,
Its job is easing people’s pain,
And curing them when they fall ill,
And won’t respond to just a pill.

From studies they’ve done they think that,
People who are obese – that’s fat –
Will fall ill more than average Joe,
So often will for treatment go.

It’s been suggested once before,
When fat folk walk in through the door,
For treatment they will have to wait,
Until they’ve lost some of their weight.

And now a little twist on this,
So they won’t their weight targets miss,
All hospitals will now be banned,
From selling bottled drinks or canned,
Containing sugar which is bad,
And, really, it is just a fad.

This will apply to staff as well,
So they will look not fat but swell,
And if a doctor’s svelte and trim,
The patients might just copy him.

In this way, then, the NHS,
Expects to spend not more but less;
It will stay in budget constraints,
For fewer folk will have complaints.

So if you’re getting rather fat,
Keep off the fizzy drinks or flat,
Then you’ll be treated right away,
And will live for another day.

Image – pixabay

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FIT NOT FAT

Hospital operating theatre

The NHS has no more cash,
And so it has to do things rash,
With balanced budgets incomplete,
It has to ration who it treats.

The principle it will apply,
To services it might supply,
Is that if you are gross or fat,
You’ll probably be turned down flat.

The same is true for smokers who,
Are also the back of the queue,
For in both cases, smoke and fat,
Your own misfortune you begat.

So if you want a knee or hip,
’Cos yours is giving you some gyp,
You must be able then to prove,
That your own health you will improve.

So if you’re fat you must reduce,
By eating less and less produce,
While smokers can all clear the air,
By proving that they do forswear,
Tobacco smoking – any form –
Which until now has been their norm.

And if you improve in this way,
You might get your new joint today,
So that with your new hip or knee,
You’ll very very happy be.

Image – http://www.thelisterhospital.com

Find all Ebenezer Bean’s books on Amazon.
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