NUMBERS, WHAT NUMBERS?

McDonnell John

It is reported that the Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell, has poo-pooed the idea that he should discuss financial figures in interviews because he has ‘iPads and advisers to deal with that sort of thing’.

“Now when our party comes to power,
We will, for sure, within the hour,
Renationalise the rail and such,
And, really, it won’t cost too much.

That is because it will all pay,
As more workers go on their way,
And since I am not under oath,
I can say we’ll see lots of growth.

So that’s a ‘one-to-one return’,
Because more people work and earn,
And with the extra tax they pay,
It’s easy to the costs defray.”

“That sounds like nonsense, now to me,
Costs will rise exponentially,
So for our listeners at a loss,
Please tell them how much this will cost.”

“To ask me that just is not right,
It’s journalism rather trite,
And, in fact, it just makes me mad,
For I’ve advisors with iPad.

So I don’t need to know the figs,
And whether they are small or big;
The only thing you need to do,
Is listen when I say to you,
That though it sounds a bit oddball,
It won’t cost anything at all!

So do believe me when I say,
Things will work really well this way,
And if they don’t then it’s just tough –
I’m old and I have had enough.”

ELECTION DAY!

Voting_in_Hackney

It is reported that there is a general election today. At last!

Hooray! Hooray!
Election Day!
May win, May lose,
It’s you who choose,
So get your coat,
Go out and vote,
And if tonight,
It comes out right,
Do not refrain,
From the Champagne.

Image – Alex Lee

WHEN I’M SIXTY-EIGHT

Jeremy_Corbyn

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn told an audience of nurses in Liverpool that sixty-eight is too late for a retirement age.

Now Corbyn’s in the news once more,
And could have a surprise in store,
For though his words are rather clipt,
He deviates from Labour’s script.

Perhaps most times this matters not,
For their script is not all that hot,
But just occasionally it might,
Seem he’s not got his views quite right.

The problem that this time arose,
Was Corbyn was addressing those,
Who work in nursing – NHS –
And had some gripe as you might guess.

One man stood up, addressed him thus:
“I work here so to earn a crust,
But for my pension I must wait,
Until the age of sixty-eight.”

The Leader stood, he looked around,
For Labour this was solid ground;
He coughed a bit, looked quite benign,
Then answered him though not in rhyme.

“The Government,” he said quite bold,
“About this scandal should be told,
For everyone should now retire,
Before they’re sixty-eight, no higher.

So if I am PM quite soon,
By which I mean the ninth of June,
This policy I will enact,
For every kind of job in fact.”

But Mr C, it seems, forgot,
Exactly when he’d been begot,
Because before the end of May,
He’ll have his sixty-eighth birthday.

So if he wins then this could be,
The shortest premiership that we,
Have seen – it could be just one day –
Before he goes on pension pay!

With apologies to The Beatles (for the title)

Image – Gary Knight London

BACK IN THE USSR

Lenin

It is reported that the Labour Party’s manifesto for the general election has been leaked to the Press. Here are some of the highlights.

The cat’s no longer in the bag,
For someone’s leaked the Labour rag,
That is their manifesto which,
Is causing folk to moan and bitch.

It’s been designed to please the crowd,
And writers are immensely proud,
Of all the principles within,
Together with a bit of spin.

So let us have a little look,
At what’s included in this book.

The first is tax, rich but not poor,
Will be asked to pay that bit more,
But most are likely to decline,
And have another glass of wine.

Then workers’ rights and workers’ pay,
The unions want a real say,
Insisting firms that day to day,
Supply the Government must pay,
Their boss a max of twenty times,
The lowest paid in pounds or dimes.

Defence contractors should watch out,
Because this rule they will all flout,
And should the Government insist,
And get their knickers in a twist,
They will find that they can’t obtain,
The weapons even just to train,
Then should we see the Russian Bear,
There won’t be many weapons there.

Perhaps that is not the intent,
But if it’s something else that’s meant,
Then they should make it very plain,
So we won’t have to ask again.

Now onto rail and also bus,
Which can cause such an awful fuss,
And everybody’s heard before,
That people do sit on the floor!

The answer really is quite plain,
It’s public ownership again,
That is what’s needed without doubt,
To sort our transport system out.

And while we’re getting all these gains,
We will scrap all those one-man trains,
Which Southern Rail thought were so good,
And would deploy them if they could.

So we will make your travel fun,
In snow and rain or even sun,
And we will promise that you might,
On most weekdays get home at night.

And finally we come to pubs,
Which also includes social clubs,
Although there once were lots and lots,
They’re closing at a rate of knots.

This is so bad it just won’t do,
Or we’ll be left with far too few,
So we will save the Merry Monk,
Then everyone can still get drunk!

So that is it just vote for me,
So these improvements you will see,
And then you’ll all know where you are –
It’s back in the USSR!

With apologies to The Beatles.

ST SASSENACH’S DAY? I DON’T THINK SO!

St George

It is reported that the Labour Party will offer four new bank holidays in its election manifesto to be held each year on St George’s, St Andrew’s, St David’s and St Patrick’s days.

The Labour Party’s just announced,
That so that it will not be trounced,
By voters on the eighth of June,
Thereafter it will very soon,
Make four new public holidays,
When folk can stay in bed and laze*.

They say there will not be much cost,
Because though earnings will be lost,
It doesn’t matter in the end,
’Cos people will go out and spend.

As an aside I am not sure,
Since pounds around will be some fewer,
Where spending money will come from,
So this could be a ticking bomb.

But anyway, we mustn’t spoil,
The extra days for those who toil,
And they’ll be held on days of saints,
Though this may lead to some complaints.

For atheists (J Corbyn too?),
May not accept the people who,
Are patron saints in this fair land,
And would like all saints to be canned.

There’s Andrew, Patrick, George and Dave,
One mythical, the others brave,
But what J Corbyn failed to say,
Is any new bank holiday,
Must be approved by those devolved,
Which means they must all be resolved,
To celebrate the patron’s day,
Of other parts of the UK.

This pointed out, you will now see,
A likely problem, same as me,
For asking Mrs Sturgeon to,
For one day ditch her white on blue,
And sing and dance on George’s day,
The same as her mate Mrs May,
Is quite a Herculean task,
And probably too much to ask.

There’s no solution I am sure,
That really would work and endure,
But one thing that might ease the pain,
Is if the Scots might something gain,
Such as free drinks in Glasgow’s bars,
Plus time to heal inflicted scars.

There is a problem, though, but slight,
To give the Scots free drinks just might,
The calmness of the day disrupt,
And possibly leave us bankrupt!

* v. to be lazy.

Image – Wikimedia commons