SMALL BARS ONLY PLEASE!

Chocolate bars

It is reported that the NHS wants hospital shops and vending machines to stop selling large-size snacks which contain more than 250 calories.

In hospital one can get fat,
And if you ask, ‘What’s wrong with that?’
Well, being thin’s not just a fad,
’Cos being fat can be quite bad.

It leads to illness, as you know,
It’s hard work when you’re on the go,
And if you too much chocolate crave,
You’ll be in for an early grave.

More to the point, you might fall ill,
But not responsive to a pill;
The NHS then takes you in,
And starves you till it makes you thin.

How they do this, they are all clued,
They serve unappetising food,
And till it’s eaten it’s a cert,
That no way will you get dessert.

But if you think that you can sneak,
Into the shop and take a peek,
At all their snacks there on display,
And all you’ve got to do is pay,
Then I’ve bad news, I am afraid,
’Cos chocolate, sweets and lemonade,
Now come in very tiny packs,
So really not much of a snack.

So for a snack, please bide your time,
For neither is there beer or wine,
But, in the end, if you lose weight,
Perhaps you won’t then meet your fate!

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YOU JUST CAN’T WIN!

Marks_&_Spencer_Logo

It is reported that Marks & Spencer’s decision to stop selling sugary drinks in its hospital shops has resulted in complaints from some NHS trusts, customers and dieticians who say that their choice has been reduced.

Most people do like M&S,
Which always tries to do its best,
For customers who, when not ill,
Will buy things and pay at the till.

So it’s a good idea that,
Its shoppers do not get too fat,
Or they’ll find it hard to respire,
And, on occasions, might expire.

To help prevent this, M&S,
Are selling drinks containing less,
Sugar and calories than before,
So people won’t wear out the floor.

But lots of people have complained,
And not about the weight not gained,
But rather that they have less choice,
When, really, they should all rejoice,
Because they’ll mostly be less fat,
And also might pay less in VAT.

But Marks is sticking to its guns:
“If anyone our new drinks shuns,
And wants to buy unhealthy pop,
Then they can all at Aldi shop!”

THANK GOODNESS FOR FAT, DRUNKEN SMOKERS!

Skull smoking

It is reported that people who are overweight or drink or smoke save the government money because the tobacco and alcohol taxes they pay plus the pensions saved owing to their shorter lives far exceed the cost of their medical treatment.

It had been thought that it was good,
To stay as healthy as we could,
And this was helped by staying thin,
Not smoking and not drinking gin.

So governments tried to persuade,
Us to drink only lemonade,
To stay thin, therefore not much Coke,
And definitely not to smoke.

But consequences then arose,
Because if we avoid all those
Bad things which might be thought a sin,
Not so much tax comes rolling in.

And then to make things even worse,
The late arrival of our hearse,
Means we will need our pension for,
Much longer than it was before.

And during this late lease of life,
Senility will be so rife,
That we will all need constant care –
More cost for someone else to bear.

This cannot work, you must agree,
The government’s no cash you see;
The situation’s not robust,
And so we’ll likely all go bust.

The answer, though, is pretty plain,
The government must yet again,
Review the advice that it gives,
Concerning how we all should live.

So they’ll say what we have to do,
Is smoke and drink and party too,
So that we all get big and fat,
And pop our clogs by fifty flat!

TAX-IDERMIST

Care home

It is reported that the plan in the Conservative Party manifesto to deal with old-age care has gone down very badly and is being portrayed as the ‘dementia tax’.

You will have seen that Mrs May’s,
Been criticised for several days,
For saying wealthy people should,
Pay for old-age care if they could.

The plan is they will have to pay,
The full cost of their care ’til they,
Find hundred k is all they’ve got,
And after that they keep the lot.

Opponents say this is unfair,
Both rich and poor have need of care,
And with this plan we have now got,
It might mean rich folk pay a lot.

It seems a little odd to me,
That Labour quite remarkably,
Are standing up for rich folk who,
Are really fairly well-to-do.

For poorer people who don’t own,
The property they call their home,
And who just rent their roof and wall,
Will likely not pay owt at all.

And richer folk who’ll have this debt,
Won’t need to sell their house just yet,
And quite a while their time may bide,
Then settle up when they have died.

But I don’t know why people moan,
About the proceeds of their home,
The best time to be taxed, it’s said,
Is when your well and truly dead!

Image – CQC press Office / Flickr

WHEN I’M SIXTY-EIGHT

Jeremy_Corbyn

It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn told an audience of nurses in Liverpool that sixty-eight is too late for a retirement age.

Now Corbyn’s in the news once more,
And could have a surprise in store,
For though his words are rather clipt,
He deviates from Labour’s script.

Perhaps most times this matters not,
For their script is not all that hot,
But just occasionally it might,
Seem he’s not got his views quite right.

The problem that this time arose,
Was Corbyn was addressing those,
Who work in nursing – NHS –
And had some gripe as you might guess.

One man stood up, addressed him thus:
“I work here so to earn a crust,
But for my pension I must wait,
Until the age of sixty-eight.”

The Leader stood, he looked around,
For Labour this was solid ground;
He coughed a bit, looked quite benign,
Then answered him though not in rhyme.

“The Government,” he said quite bold,
“About this scandal should be told,
For everyone should now retire,
Before they’re sixty-eight, no higher.

So if I am PM quite soon,
By which I mean the ninth of June,
This policy I will enact,
For every kind of job in fact.”

But Mr C, it seems, forgot,
Exactly when he’d been begot,
Because before the end of May,
He’ll have his sixty-eighth birthday.

So if he wins then this could be,
The shortest premiership that we,
Have seen – it could be just one day –
Before he goes on pension pay!

With apologies to The Beatles (for the title)

Image – Gary Knight London

FATSOES

South Western Ambulance VX09FYP

It is reported that the NHS has been reinforcing its ambulances to be able to accommodate overweight patients of up to seventy stone.

The NHS is under strain,
As it spends time in curing pain,
And something that has come to light,
Is one problem that’s not so slight,
And likely could now cause a spat –
Its patients are all getting fat.

So first, it’s difficult to talk,
About those who can barely walk,
For zealots all for sure will be,
Insisting everything’s PC.

But paramedics say that they,
Have difficulties every day,
Lifting these patients who are fat,
And also then their tyres go flat.

Now one solution’s been devised,
To cope with all these oversized,
Which is, pragmatically of course,
To ambulances reinforce.

They’re getting girders, bolts and beams,
Plus extra welding at the seams,
Some heavier and thicker wires,
And higher pressure in the tyres.

All this is working out just fine,
For overweights now quite benign,
And so these people all should know,
To hospital they can now go,
But even if they get the chance,
Please don’t take the air ambulance!

Image – Graham Richardson

ROBOT NHS

Chatbot

It is reported that the NHS is experimenting with a chatbot for diagnosing complaints (of a medical nature).

“Hello, hello, I’m 1 – 1 – 1,
My other patient has just gone,
She started to get on my wick,
But sticking plaster did the trick.

But on to you, all boxes ticked,
So we’ll soon have your problem licked;
I see no headache, that is good,
You’ve taken aspirin as you should,
And when you sit there is no pain,
Until you then get up again.

Your skin is fine, you have no rash,
But if around the room you dash,
You are quite wobbly on your pins –
That’s after six or seven gins.

Let’s focus on the legs now please,
You say they’re fine and bend with ease,
But then your heel like Achilles,
Is that you seem to have three knees.

Since these last four lines all do rhyme,
We’ve used up almost all our time,
And this does now the question beg,
Have you perhaps a broken leg?

If that is so we must act fast,
Don’t bother with Elastoplast,
But try to get to A&E,
Where they will patch you up for free.

I’ll tell them that you’re on your way,
So they’ll have someone there today,
But do get there while still alive –
So maybe better not to drive!”

Image – cmswire.com