THE COLONEL-SKI ON HOLIDAY?

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It is reported that one of the Salisbury Novichok agents is really a colonel in the Russian secret service, the GRU.

It was just a matter of time,
As you will soon learn in this rhyme,
Until the Salisbury agents were,
Identified and caused a stir.

And now investigators find,
That one is not just any kind,
Of soldier in the GRU,
But is a colonel through and through.

He’s worked in Chechnya and Ukraine,
Using maybe some assumed name,
And for the service he gave there,
Putin gave him a badge to wear.

It was all secret, his award,
So could there be things untoward,
That he did or techniques he used,
Which they did not want in the news?

On this we simply don’t yet know,
But journalists persist and so,
Eventually we’ll likely learn,
What he did to his medal earn.

I had thought for now that was it,
But as soon as today, a bit
More news emerged which said that there,
Had been another agent where,
The Skripals lived to case the joint,
Which sort of helps to make my point.

The Russians have not yet replied;
It seems right now their time they bide,
And now need more time to concoct,
Some story to be widely mocked.

So in the embassy they toil,
Burning each day the midnight oil,
As they decide on their replies,
Sustained by Big Macs, Coke and fries!

RUSSIAN ROUND SALISBURY

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It is reported that the two alleged Russian Salisbury Novichok assassins have appeared on Russian state TV claiming that they were just in Britain as tourists.

“It’s really all down to our friends,
Advising us on travel trends,
And what in Europe we should see,
And what it costs or if it’s free.

Now Salisbury comes top of the list,
Its high spire lost up in the mist,
And it’s not far from Sarum, Old –
At least that’s what we have been told.

So off we went with Aeroflot,
To visit this great beauty spot,
But just a few hours we had planned,
Which, sadly, on day one was canned.

The problem was it was too warm,
So snowfall which was not the norm,
Had turned to slush, our shoes got damp,
And so we both had to decamp.

So back to London for the night;
Next day the weather was all right,
So back we went the ninety miles,
To admire Salisbury’s gothic styles.

We’d swotted up before we went,
Because, you know, our main intent,
Was to confirm what we did read,
And do it all at breakneck speed.

The information that we read,
Was sure to stand us in good stead,
For it’s now plain that we knew more,
Than people who’d been there before.

Right now it would be for the best,
If you gave us a little test,
To prove we’re tourists from afar,
And not who some folk say we are.

So, spire in metres? One, two three,
(Four hundred and four feet, you see),
Then there’s the oldest working clock –
Today still going tick and tock.

Then one thing most folk do not know,
No matter to the church they go,
Is the cathedral’s Sunday name,
That’s seldom used which is a shame.

Its name is ‘The Cathedral Church,
Of Blessed Virgin (unbesmirched)
Mary’ who, as you ought to know,
Lived some two thousand years ago.

So there you are, we’ve passed the test,
Of tourists we are just the best,
And we now hope that all of you,
Will watch our polished interview.

It will be on RT Today,
Is everything we want to say,
And we are sure our Uncle Vlad.,
Will think it’s really not too bad!”

RUSSIAN LIFE EXPECTANCY

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It is reported that protestors have been arrested at demonstrations in Russia against President Putin’s plans to increase the retirement ages for men and women by five years. Mr Putin says that the change is necessary owing to increased life expectancy in the country. It is not clear whether those arrested will be permitted to retire early.

The Russian state is almost skint,
So when workers have done their stint,
And then perhaps want to retire,
They’ll find their age must now be higher.

For Russia plans to raise the age,
At which employees leave the stage,
And although Putin thinks it’s best,
Some Russians have tried to protest.

As usual when this occurs,
It’s very clear the state prefers,
That some of those who do protest,
Should be subjected to arrest.

Of those that are – one can’t be sure –
Those released might be slightly fewer,
And for some others I’m afraid,
That their release might be delayed.

Ignoring this, it’s then explained,
That state accountants who are trained,
Have calculated, like they do,
That roubles will be far too few,
To pay for pensions every week,
So for old folk the future’s bleak.

“The reason is,” the Kremlin say,
“That in the Russia of today,
Expectancy of life is more,
Than it has ever been before.

This may come as a small surprise,
For if someone succeeds – or tries –
To question what we say today,
He might, quite soon, be not OK.

Of course, this is no kind of threat –
At least we wouldn’t say that yet –
But we would like to clear the air,
So just to make things fair and square,
Those who protest or might enquire,
Will be allowed soon to retire.”

TRUMP ON THE WARPATH

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It is reported that Donald Trump has berated most European members of NATO and especially the stinking rich Germans for spending too little on defence.

The Trump is over here today,
In Brussels first then a foray,
To Britain to play golf and scoff,
And also tell the PM off.

About what subject matters not,
He’ll tweet it first and then, guess what,
He’ll talk with what charm he’s imbued,
Which means he’s likely to be rude.

But back to NATO where today,
He told the others they should pay,
And not just sponge from day to day,
On spending by the USA.

For far too long they hadn’t paid,
And as he said in his tirade,
They really had to up their game,
And then pay pretty much the same
As he does in proportion to,
The value of the things they do.

But singled out for special ire,
That easily could pay much higher,
Was Germany that he did say,
Not only does it little pay ,
But in the background it bankrolls,
The Russian state and all its goals.

They do this dint of buying gas,
Which really does seem pretty crass,
For somewhere there’s a smartphone app,
With which they can turn off the tap.

So Germany and others too,
Must be quite careful what they do,
Or they might find, alack, alas,
That suddenly they’ve got no gas.

And this is Donald’s case in point,
That’s put his nose right out of joint,
For though it has been rare before,
This could start economic war.

This might then be twixt friends or foes,
Because the Brexit process shows,
That one side might use as a ploy,
The other to try to destroy,
Even though it would in that case,
Cut off its nose to spite its face!

DAMN!

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It is reported that England has lost the semi-final of the World Cup in Moscow, waistcoats or not.

The England team did really well,
As any football fan will tell:
They won their matches all along,
But, in this last, they took too long,
To get the goals they had to score,
So their opponents then had more.

The goals they did score were so good,
If you’ve not seen them then you should;
The headers were extremely fine –
Exciting as they crossed the line.

But only one can win the match,
If not then there would be a catch;
The winners should have greatest skill,
But also in a game there will,
Be lots of luck with shots and aim,
Affecting who will win the game.

And one thing that can’t be denied,
Is, though they didn’t win, they tried,
And did far better with the score,
Than predecessors had before.

Croatia therefore won the day,
Good luck when they the final play,
But maybe they should up their game,
And not the opposition maim!

RUSSIA 2018

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It is reported that FIFA and the Russians may be covering up drugs test results in the World Cup; suspicions have been raised owing to Russia’s atypical and spectacular performance in their opening games.

The Russian team, it has been said,
Is really very badly led,
And though they would be playing first,
Of hosting countries they’re the worst.

But then they played the opening game,
And then their second – much the same;
They won them both, eight in the net,
The best an opening host’s done yet.

So far, so good; suspicious though,
Because as far as numbers go,
The players in the opening match,
Might have seemed pretty hard to catch.

They ran so fast throughout the game,
And then their distance, much the same,
Was faster than host teams before,
And not because of shoes they wore.

Suspicions now surround the squad,
Because it seems distinctly odd,
That they have got such skills on tap,
When their performance should be crap.

So questions have by now been asked,
Of the officials who are tasked,
With sample testing to disclose,
Of Russian players, which of those,
Had positive tests without doubt,
And really should have been thrown out.

But drug officials will not say,
Whom they did test or on which day,
So then as long as players play,
Suspicions will not go away.

So if you watch the game beware,
There might be goings on back there,
And be suspicious if you read,
That Russia played at breakneck speed.

CYBERLIGHTS

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It is reported that Russia may be able to hack Britain’s traffic lights and cause chaos on the roads. Have they no ambition? They could try something a bit more challenging!

Remember traffic lights on red,
Mean do not go or you’ll be dead,
Whereas if they have turned to green,
Proceed with caution’s what they mean,

That’s just the basic kind of light,
Which isn’t really all that bright,
But some exponents of the art,
Are frequently described as smart.

These smart lights are quite good, all told,
And by some centre are controlled,
So that they change throughout the day,
In order then to speed your way.

A problem, though, has come to light,
For when he’s spoiling for a fight,
The Russian leader might decide,
To try to make our cars collide.

It’s pretty simple, it would seem:
The lights would all be turned to green,
And then a lot would likely crash,
And be turned into so much trash.

It’s like a version of fake news,
Designed to normal folk confuse,
With red and green, I think you’ll find,
A sort of extreme colourblind.

Then on TV in Russian bars,
They could all watch these dodgem cars,
Because to keep his fans on track,
He also might the cameras hack.