DO AS I SAY!

Union Jack heart

It is reported that The Scottish Government has decreed that the white and blue saltire will be flown instead of the Union Jack on government buildings on all occasions except Remembrance Sunday. However, the Gay Pride flag will be flown on four days during the year.

“Now everyone, Hear ye! Hear ye!
As leader of the SNP,
It falls to me to tell you all,
What you must do with your flagpole.

I’ve had enough of Union Jacks,
I’m sure it gets up people’s backs,
And so, save for occasions one,
The Union Jack will now be gone.

You’ll fly the saltire, blue and white,
But on occasions, four, you might,
Put up the Gay Pride flag some days,
To show support for all those gays.”

But others say, “We are appalled,
The Union Jack, or Flag’s so called,
Because it represents the whole,
Of the kingdom there up the pole.

Her stature’s small, we’ve always known,
But these rules on what can be flown,
Make it quite plain to me and you,
The woman is small minded too.

Most of the Scots voted to stay,
Within The Union anyway;
She’s not exactly on a roll,
And knows where she can stick her pole!”

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VOTING FOR CHRISTMAS?

Monopoly tax

It is reported that the SNP Government in Edinburgh is to increase the rates of income tax in Scotland. Risky, eh?

The Scots are noted for their thrift,
(Tight-fisted, if you get my drift,)
And they have a no-nonsense way,
Of dealing with requests to pay.

They listen with impatience hid,
To learn how much to pay they’re bid,
Then if they think you take the p*ss,
You might get a Glaswegian kiss.

They’re honest as the day is long,
Like speaking in their native tongue –
That’s English with a Scottish lilt –
And then there’s bagpipes and the kilt.

But one thing they don’t like is tax,
That’s much the same as Sassenachs,
So if the tax should be increased,
It’s likely they’ll protest at least.

So when Ms Sturgeon stood up and,
Took her life right into her hands,
By announcing that from today,
Scots people will more taxes pay,
She knew that this was quite a risk –
See in verse two: my asterisk.

But Mrs Sturgeon is no fool,
She even sometimes keeps her cool,
And she’ll have worked out ’cos she’s short,
That burly men from that seaport,
Will find it quite hard not to miss,
Should they try a Glaswegian kiss!

Image – Images money / Flickr

FREE FOR ALL!

Pub comic cartoon

It is reported that Nicola Sturgeon has set out her programme for government in Scotland which may include a ‘citizen’s income’; free money all round.

Miss Sturgeon and her cronies are,
Determined to be popular,
But since her last proposal failed,
Her plans have now all been derailed.

She really did run out of luck,
With independence came unstuck,
And then with such consummate ease,
She lost a half of her MPs.

So now she promises folk cash,
Which may turn out as rather rash,
For everybody would then get,
Thousands of pounds a year – that’s net.

This would apply to rich and poor,
With adults getting that bit more,
Than children, relatively bleak,
On only fifty pounds a week.

What would they do with this new wealth?
We don’t know but perhaps with stealth,
They might stock up on fags and beer,
Polluting then the atmosphere.

And who would pay is none too clear,
But though Miss Sturgeon shows no fear,
If she tries to the English tap,
She might find that’s a handicap!

Image – norbet1 / Flickr

N IS FOR … ?

SNP 1

It is reported that Nicola Sturgeon does not like having the word ‘National’ in her party’s name. Gives too much away, perhaps.

Miss Sturgeon who so often wails,
Has lost some wind from in her sails,
Since at the last election she,
Lost almost half the SNP.

So maybe Scots folk aren’t so keen,
On what this jumped-up Scottish ‘queen’,
Proposes to folk smart and dense,
Which is, of course, independence.

“These people,” she says, “make me sick,
Because too many are so thick,
They think the ‘National’ word’s bad,
And that is why bad luck we’ve had.

But I know what we need to do:
We’ll change the word, position two,
And if we proceed carefully,
We’ll still be called the SNP,
While having then a different word,
In second place, before the third.

So for the ‘N’ word, what to choose,
So that in future we won’t lose?
We could have Noxious, Nagging too,
But how do these ones sound to you?

There’s Nancy, Noddy, Nutty, Naff,
This last one better for a Taff,
Or Narcissistic shows some flair,
And finally, we have Nightmare.

These last two might just do the trick,
Because so many folk are thick;
The first describes just what I do,
But most Scots will not have a clue,
And Nightmare, which is less discreet,
They’ll just think’s something on Elm Street.

Important thing is that Nat word,
Will never once again be heard;
We can our true intent conceal,
Which must then increase our appeal.

So we are pretty much well-set,
And don’t have much more need to fret,
For now our image will be clean,
And in the end I will be Queen!”

Image – Paper Mache / Flickr

INDEPENDENCE SHELVED?

Saltire clouds

It is reported that the SNP has published its general election manifesto with scarcely a mention of independence.

The SNP, I think you’ll find,
Has always had a one-track mind,
As “Independence!” they all shout,
“We’re all determined to get out!”

So it came as a big surprise,
And I could scarce believe my eyes,
To see their manifesto was,
Not mentioning the subject ’cos,
With my rather high intellect,
That isn’t what I would expect.

So why, I wondered, could this be,
What does it mean for you and me?
And since it does affect the state,
Perhaps we should investigate.

The reason wasn’t hard to find,
’Cos recent polls were not so kind,
And found of Scotsmen* there were more,
Wanting to stay than did before.

So independence disappears,
As the general election nears,
And Mrs Sturgeon, who is boss,
Has really had to cut her loss,
To keep the SNP afloat,
And not to lose too many votes.

But I’twill come back some later time,
As I’ll report back then in rhyme,
And until then we’ll have respite,
Although it may be rather slight,
’Cos while Miss Sturgeon’s in the fray,
The damned thing will not go away.

* and Scotswomen

Image – Derek Lee

SLANGING MATCH!

Caroline Lucas

It is reported that in the BBC General Election Leaders’ Debate the speakers repeatedly criticised the Prime Minister for sending a stand-in but perhaps there should also have been mention of the SNP’s missing leader, the Labour U-turn and the Greens’ inability to send anyone else. Read on.

You may have seen last night’s debate,
With people who each other hate,
Exchanging insults as to who,
Had not seen fit to turn up too.

The worst, of course, was Mrs May,
“She must be somewhere else today,”
Said Mr Farron, the Lib Dem,
“And if you go and lift the hem,
Of your net curtains you might find,
She’s checking on your state of mind,
So that she will then know the max,
You’ll pay in the dementia tax.”

The others then all had a go,
But strangely, no-one seemed to know,
That Sturgeon of the SNP,
Also some other place must be.

The reason we can only guess,
But p’rhaps it’s ’cos she’s talking less,
And for now’s sitting on the fence,
On plans for Scots’ independence.

Then Jerry who late in the day,
Announced he’d not now stay away,
Had reckoned, you know like you do,
More votes for Labour might ensue.

Perhaps he thinks it’s all a game,
To try to put Ms May to shame,
But whether any good ’twill do,
At this stage no-one has a clue.

And last there’s Lucas, Party Green,
Who still looks no more than sixteen,
She is a leader – one of two –
So it should be quite plain to you,
With two leaders for each MP,
It’s really pretty hard to see,
No matter what she might intend,
How she could not a leader send.

Image – https://www.flickr.com/photos/0742/ underclassrising.net

ST SASSENACH’S DAY? I DON’T THINK SO!

St George

It is reported that the Labour Party will offer four new bank holidays in its election manifesto to be held each year on St George’s, St Andrew’s, St David’s and St Patrick’s days.

The Labour Party’s just announced,
That so that it will not be trounced,
By voters on the eighth of June,
Thereafter it will very soon,
Make four new public holidays,
When folk can stay in bed and laze*.

They say there will not be much cost,
Because though earnings will be lost,
It doesn’t matter in the end,
’Cos people will go out and spend.

As an aside I am not sure,
Since pounds around will be some fewer,
Where spending money will come from,
So this could be a ticking bomb.

But anyway, we mustn’t spoil,
The extra days for those who toil,
And they’ll be held on days of saints,
Though this may lead to some complaints.

For atheists (J Corbyn too?),
May not accept the people who,
Are patron saints in this fair land,
And would like all saints to be canned.

There’s Andrew, Patrick, George and Dave,
One mythical, the others brave,
But what J Corbyn failed to say,
Is any new bank holiday,
Must be approved by those devolved,
Which means they must all be resolved,
To celebrate the patron’s day,
Of other parts of the UK.

This pointed out, you will now see,
A likely problem, same as me,
For asking Mrs Sturgeon to,
For one day ditch her white on blue,
And sing and dance on George’s day,
The same as her mate Mrs May,
Is quite a Herculean task,
And probably too much to ask.

There’s no solution I am sure,
That really would work and endure,
But one thing that might ease the pain,
Is if the Scots might something gain,
Such as free drinks in Glasgow’s bars,
Plus time to heal inflicted scars.

There is a problem, though, but slight,
To give the Scots free drinks just might,
The calmness of the day disrupt,
And possibly leave us bankrupt!

* v. to be lazy.

Image – Wikimedia commons