STRICTLY DANCING – OR NOT

Stiletto red-shoe-2792160_960_720

It is reported that a pair of dancers on Strictly Come Dancing were spotted snogging outside a London pub, Theresa May danced before a speech in Birmingham, Nicola Sturgeon couldn’t dance in her super high heels in Glasgow and Jean-Claude Juncker tried to copy Mrs May in Brussels.

To dance is good, most people say,
It keeps you fit from day to day,
It’s best to do it to a song,
But on occasions it goes wrong.

I don’t mean technical mistakes,
The sort that might require two takes,
Like when Ed Balls, who’s not a bore,
Almost dropped Ms Jones on the floor.

This Mrs Jones of whom I speak,
Is in the news again this week,
But not for dancing, I’m afraid,
Which is the reason she gets paid.

No, this time, as told in this blog,
She was partaking in a snog,
With her dance partner on TV –
You don’t get paid for that – it’s free.

But what now of our Mrs May?
You thought that she had feet of clay,
But then she danced before her talk –
She should have been advised to walk.

Her dancing, though, went down a treat,
Surprising, for with two left feet,
It wasn’t good, but p’rhaps it made,
The lady look a bit less staid.

And then a few days farther on,
We saw Miss SNP Sturgeon,
Before her conference’s talk,
In heels so high she couldn’t walk.

“I’m wearing these,” she said, “So that,
I look more tall than if they’re flat;
But really, it’s so there’s no chance,
That I could ever try to dance.”

And finally, the Juncker man,
Who tries in every way he can,
To cause embarrassment by day,
Especially to Mrs May.

He claims that was not what he did,
His footwork was indeed splendid,
Because he’d had a drop to drink,
And she had not, I like to think.

That takes us now full circle for,
The first and last were drinking more
Than might be wise, depending how,
They want to be perceived for now.

So if you dance do take great care,
For bits might end up on the air,
And if they do, you can be sure,
That pictures will be more, not fewer!

DO AS I SAY!

Union Jack heart

It is reported that The Scottish Government has decreed that the white and blue saltire will be flown instead of the Union Jack on government buildings on all occasions except Remembrance Sunday. However, the Gay Pride flag will be flown on four days during the year.

“Now everyone, Hear ye! Hear ye!
As leader of the SNP,
It falls to me to tell you all,
What you must do with your flagpole.

I’ve had enough of Union Jacks,
I’m sure it gets up people’s backs,
And so, save for occasions one,
The Union Jack will now be gone.

You’ll fly the saltire, blue and white,
But on occasions, four, you might,
Put up the Gay Pride flag some days,
To show support for all those gays.”

But others say, “We are appalled,
The Union Jack, or Flag’s so called,
Because it represents the whole,
Of the kingdom there up the pole.

Her stature’s small, we’ve always known,
But these rules on what can be flown,
Make it quite plain to me and you,
The woman is small minded too.

Most of the Scots voted to stay,
Within The Union anyway;
She’s not exactly on a roll,
And knows where she can stick her pole!”

If you like this please share it with your friends and enjoy the next one tomorrow.

VOTING FOR CHRISTMAS?

Monopoly tax

It is reported that the SNP Government in Edinburgh is to increase the rates of income tax in Scotland. Risky, eh?

The Scots are noted for their thrift,
(Tight-fisted, if you get my drift,)
And they have a no-nonsense way,
Of dealing with requests to pay.

They listen with impatience hid,
To learn how much to pay they’re bid,
Then if they think you take the p*ss,
You might get a Glaswegian kiss.

They’re honest as the day is long,
Like speaking in their native tongue –
That’s English with a Scottish lilt –
And then there’s bagpipes and the kilt.

But one thing they don’t like is tax,
That’s much the same as Sassenachs,
So if the tax should be increased,
It’s likely they’ll protest at least.

So when Ms Sturgeon stood up and,
Took her life right into her hands,
By announcing that from today,
Scots people will more taxes pay,
She knew that this was quite a risk –
See in verse two: my asterisk.

But Mrs Sturgeon is no fool,
She even sometimes keeps her cool,
And she’ll have worked out ’cos she’s short,
That burly men from that seaport,
Will find it quite hard not to miss,
Should they try a Glaswegian kiss!

Image – Images money / Flickr

FREE FOR ALL!

Pub comic cartoon

It is reported that Nicola Sturgeon has set out her programme for government in Scotland which may include a ‘citizen’s income’; free money all round.

Miss Sturgeon and her cronies are,
Determined to be popular,
But since her last proposal failed,
Her plans have now all been derailed.

She really did run out of luck,
With independence came unstuck,
And then with such consummate ease,
She lost a half of her MPs.

So now she promises folk cash,
Which may turn out as rather rash,
For everybody would then get,
Thousands of pounds a year – that’s net.

This would apply to rich and poor,
With adults getting that bit more,
Than children, relatively bleak,
On only fifty pounds a week.

What would they do with this new wealth?
We don’t know but perhaps with stealth,
They might stock up on fags and beer,
Polluting then the atmosphere.

And who would pay is none too clear,
But though Miss Sturgeon shows no fear,
If she tries to the English tap,
She might find that’s a handicap!

Image – norbet1 / Flickr

N IS FOR … ?

SNP 1

It is reported that Nicola Sturgeon does not like having the word ‘National’ in her party’s name. Gives too much away, perhaps.

Miss Sturgeon who so often wails,
Has lost some wind from in her sails,
Since at the last election she,
Lost almost half the SNP.

So maybe Scots folk aren’t so keen,
On what this jumped-up Scottish ‘queen’,
Proposes to folk smart and dense,
Which is, of course, independence.

“These people,” she says, “make me sick,
Because too many are so thick,
They think the ‘National’ word’s bad,
And that is why bad luck we’ve had.

But I know what we need to do:
We’ll change the word, position two,
And if we proceed carefully,
We’ll still be called the SNP,
While having then a different word,
In second place, before the third.

So for the ‘N’ word, what to choose,
So that in future we won’t lose?
We could have Noxious, Nagging too,
But how do these ones sound to you?

There’s Nancy, Noddy, Nutty, Naff,
This last one better for a Taff,
Or Narcissistic shows some flair,
And finally, we have Nightmare.

These last two might just do the trick,
Because so many folk are thick;
The first describes just what I do,
But most Scots will not have a clue,
And Nightmare, which is less discreet,
They’ll just think’s something on Elm Street.

Important thing is that Nat word,
Will never once again be heard;
We can our true intent conceal,
Which must then increase our appeal.

So we are pretty much well-set,
And don’t have much more need to fret,
For now our image will be clean,
And in the end I will be Queen!”

Image – Paper Mache / Flickr

INDEPENDENCE SHELVED?

Saltire clouds

It is reported that the SNP has published its general election manifesto with scarcely a mention of independence.

The SNP, I think you’ll find,
Has always had a one-track mind,
As “Independence!” they all shout,
“We’re all determined to get out!”

So it came as a big surprise,
And I could scarce believe my eyes,
To see their manifesto was,
Not mentioning the subject ’cos,
With my rather high intellect,
That isn’t what I would expect.

So why, I wondered, could this be,
What does it mean for you and me?
And since it does affect the state,
Perhaps we should investigate.

The reason wasn’t hard to find,
’Cos recent polls were not so kind,
And found of Scotsmen* there were more,
Wanting to stay than did before.

So independence disappears,
As the general election nears,
And Mrs Sturgeon, who is boss,
Has really had to cut her loss,
To keep the SNP afloat,
And not to lose too many votes.

But I’twill come back some later time,
As I’ll report back then in rhyme,
And until then we’ll have respite,
Although it may be rather slight,
’Cos while Miss Sturgeon’s in the fray,
The damned thing will not go away.

* and Scotswomen

Image – Derek Lee

SLANGING MATCH!

Caroline Lucas

It is reported that in the BBC General Election Leaders’ Debate the speakers repeatedly criticised the Prime Minister for sending a stand-in but perhaps there should also have been mention of the SNP’s missing leader, the Labour U-turn and the Greens’ inability to send anyone else. Read on.

You may have seen last night’s debate,
With people who each other hate,
Exchanging insults as to who,
Had not seen fit to turn up too.

The worst, of course, was Mrs May,
“She must be somewhere else today,”
Said Mr Farron, the Lib Dem,
“And if you go and lift the hem,
Of your net curtains you might find,
She’s checking on your state of mind,
So that she will then know the max,
You’ll pay in the dementia tax.”

The others then all had a go,
But strangely, no-one seemed to know,
That Sturgeon of the SNP,
Also some other place must be.

The reason we can only guess,
But p’rhaps it’s ’cos she’s talking less,
And for now’s sitting on the fence,
On plans for Scots’ independence.

Then Jerry who late in the day,
Announced he’d not now stay away,
Had reckoned, you know like you do,
More votes for Labour might ensue.

Perhaps he thinks it’s all a game,
To try to put Ms May to shame,
But whether any good ’twill do,
At this stage no-one has a clue.

And last there’s Lucas, Party Green,
Who still looks no more than sixteen,
She is a leader – one of two –
So it should be quite plain to you,
With two leaders for each MP,
It’s really pretty hard to see,
No matter what she might intend,
How she could not a leader send.

Image – https://www.flickr.com/photos/0742/ underclassrising.net