KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

Keep calm and carry on

It is reported that I have been writing blogs every day for more than two years but, starting in Brexit year, I will no longer write one each day. There will still be occasional new ones so keep looking and there are over eight hundred previous ones which will hopefully keep you amused. So Happy New Year and happy reading. And all are available as Kindle and paperback collections on Amazon – search for Ebenezer Bean.

I’ll leave you on a Brexit note,
The consequence of that old vote,
And, really, it was bound to be,
Enshrouded in controversy.

The pros and cons, you know, are vexed,
No-one knows what might happen next;
Some still predict a golden age,
While others are in quite a rage.

So do keep reading every week,
You’ll find out if the future’s bleak,
And what becomes of Mrs May –
I’m meaning will she go or stay?

So, too, across the Channel there,
Will any politician dare,
To tell French farmers would they please,
Stop exporting their wine and cheese.

French farmers have a lot of clout,
Will get the yellow jackets out,
And with their tractors – how you say? –
They know well how to block the way.

So when it comes to Brexit day,
And everyone has had their say,
Do read my writings one by one,
And just keep calm and carry on.

 

HUGS AND KISSES

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It is reported that the President of the European Commission Jean Claude Juncker has been photographed going round kissing EU officials and tousling their hair.

It seems like almost every day,
That somebody pops up to say,
That – how can I put this in verse –
They’ve been molested, maybe worse.

Because this is beyond the pale,
Some people then end up in jail,
And others who I cannot name,
Will stop if they have done the same.

It seems there’s less of this today,
We hope it has all gone away,
And now at work there isn’t much,
For folk may look but not to touch.

But the EU seems out of line,
For, risking prison or a fine,
The boss man in the whole EU,
Might have some learning still to do.

For he’s been photographed out there,
Running his hands through people’s hair,
And kissing them upon a whim,
With some that look less keen than him.

Perhaps he’s simply not aware,
Or might he do it for a dare?
Or maybe, though I can’t think why,
To him the rules might not apply.

Image – Dimitris Avramopoulos

BORIS FOR PM?

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It is reported that Brexit, Mrs May and everything else that is boring is set to rumble on interminably. Roll on Christmas … but which one? … hic.

Who will replace our Mrs May?
Some say it might be Boris J;
He’s had his hair cut, you can tell,
But that job wasn’t done too well.

It’s shorter but still lacks a brush,
Perhaps he was just in a rush,
When he got up and ventured out,
For he goes jogging round about.

Next thing, he cycled off to work,
It’s said he works hard, doesn’t shirk,
But bicycles don’t get you far –
Compared to a black Jaguar.

So now if he wants that top job,
He must stop looking like a slob;
That might just stand him in good stead,
Not like he’s just rolled out of bed!

In weeks to come there will be more,
Contenders than there were before,
But if you follow them I think,
You really ought to have a drink.

Image – Arno Mikkor (EU2017EE)

STUPID BOY! (Captain Mainwaring, Dad’s Army)

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It is reported that Jeremy Corbyn allegedly called the Prime Minister a ‘stupid woman’ in the Commons chamber. He denies it and says he said ‘stupid people’ but lip reading, even by the inexpert, appears to show the former rather than the latter.

The panto season’s in full swing,
With all the humour that it brings,
With lots of phrases, lots of words,
Exaggerating the absurd.

So in the Commons Mrs May,
At PMQs thought she would say,
A string of well-known panto lines,
To make fun without using rhymes.

But Mr Corbyn wasn’t pleased,
He doesn’t like thus being teased,
So then he thought he’d take his cue,
From Mainwaring like others do.

But he had to adapt a word,
From ‘stupid boy’ to what you heard,
Which some said was beyond the pale,
And more or less ‘stupid female’.

It took him time in his reply,
To work out how to best deny,
The words he used but it was clear,
The lips said what you couldn’t hear.

Lip reading experts all agreed,
‘Woman’ was what he said indeed,
For saying ‘people’ failed to fit,
The movement of his mouth or lip.

So in this quandary what to do?
The Speaker didn’t have a clue,
“Although it might seem quite absurd,
I have to take him at his word.”

Perhaps that’s it, perhaps it’s not,
These people argue such a lot;
This episode might run and run,
So there might be more panto fun.

So when you’re speaking do take care,
Some people might be watching there,
And if you plan to say things rude,
Do try to lip readers elude.

Image – Matt Brown / Flickr

OH YES YOU DID!

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It is reported that Jean Claude Juncker called Mrs May ‘nebulous’ and she took exception to it, perhaps the first time she has disagreed with him in the past two years?

The panto season’s in full swing,
With all the laughter it will bring,
And people flock from everywhere,
So of the jokes they’ll get their share.

The actors on the stage can be,
Celebrities we often see,
And others who are hard to tell,
Because they are not known so well.

But it’s unusual, I’d say,
That people like Theresa May,
And Jean Claude Juncker (who is he?),
Are there in pantomimes to see.

So now these two, not so well-known,
Decided to put on their own,
And as reported here in rhymes,
They knew the famous panto lines.

“You called me nebulous,” said she,
“A poor description, that, of me,
For you should listen with your ear,
That I have been so very clear!”

“Oh no I didn’t,” he replied,
Putting his glass of wine aside,
“The words I used were rather few,
And they were not describing you.”

“Oh yes you did,” she answered back,
“So do not try now to change tack;
Your words were broadcast on TV,
And certainly were aimed at me.”

They argued, was it ‘no’ or ‘yes’,
Then later Juncker told the Press,
That they had since kissed and made up,
But now he had his wine to sup.

And that was it till Mrs May,
When speaking later in the day,
Said that she wasn’t all that fussed,
For their discussion was robust,
And it would not be her death knell,
Because they work together well.

On this last point who would have guessed,
That these were good friends, even best,
But Mrs May would say, I fear,
That she has made it very clear!

EU VERSUS THE VOTERS

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It is reported that, with the expected failure of Mrs May’s ‘only plan on offer” vote in the Commons, perhaps democracy is about to stage a comeback.

The EU constantly has said:
“The only deal is what you’ve read,
So take or leave, it’s time to choose,
Whichever way, you’re sure to lose.

There can be no change, that’s for sure,
And the agreements will endure,
For many years and till, perhaps,
One of the parties does collapse.

We know your MPs will all vote,
But, really, they have missed the boat;
It matters little what they say,
For we will always get our way.

Democracy is for the birds,
It’s just the speaking of fine words,
But it means nothing now that you,
Are up against us, the EU.

In this regard we have got form,
Now destined to become the norm;
We crushed the Greeks when they’d no cash,
Because their spending was too rash.

The Greeks, as you know, did invent,
Democracy and Parliament,
But that’s of no concern to us,
Although it might give you a buzz.

And now it’s your turn, it makes sense,
Since you’re Mother of Parliaments,
So when we’re done, we prophesy,
No-one will cross us, even try!

So we’ll consolidate our role,
Which is to be in full control,
Of all things European and,
Democracy will soon be canned!”

MAY DAY, MAY DAY

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It is reported that Theresa May has lost control of everything in the whole wide world.

So what to make of Mrs May?
It seems, at last, she’s lost her way,
With enemies and more than most,
Expecting she will soon be toast.

That’s not the toast with glass and wine,
Though such a one would be just fine,
It is the one she ought to dread –
I mean the one with half burnt bread.

She’s lost control but carries on,
Insisting that her duty’s done,
And she to no-one else defers –
The only option now is hers.

One must admire her steely grit,
And motto: ‘Just get on with it’;
A lesser person might have tried,
But with the stress not have survived.

The problem is most don’t agree,
Including, this occasion, me;
To be pragmatic can seem strong,
But not if you’re completely wrong.

How this will end, nobody knows,
Depends, p’rhaps, if she stays or goes,
But when somebody else steps in,
I’d recommend a large, stiff gin!