BORIS’S BRIDGE AGAIN

bridge-1660417_960_720

It is reported that Boris Johnson is still keen on a bridge across the English Channel.

We called the last ‘A Bridge Too Far’,
Conceived most likely in the bar,
While having dinner with the French –
Hence the persistent garlic stench.

But one thing Boris failed to say,
Was who he thinks for it will pay,
The billions the bridge will need,
Once other details are agreed.

He seems to think the French will pay,
With Brexit then out of the way,
But they’re masters, for good or ill,
At giving someone else the bill.

They’ll say nice things, will scrape and bow,
But these are just techniques for how,
They duck and weave most every day,
Till, in the end, they get their way.

They did it with the CAP*,
The Brexit bill as we now see,
And even the Calais Police,
Will do things to the British fleece.

So where does this leave Boris’ bridge?
Perhaps to fortune a hostage?
We probably don’t need to say,
Because no-one will ever pay.

* Common Agricultural Policy

FRENCH COLLECTION

wellingtonnelson

It is reported that President Macron has offered to lend the Bayeux Tapestry to Britain as a gesture of cultural cooperation and goodwill (and a reminder of who won in 1066); that he is demanding a payment of £44 million for policing the Channel ports and, of course, that he wants us to pay an enormous Brexit bill in return for not much at all. What could Mrs May possibly offer him in return?

The French are all supposed to be,
Great experts in diplomacy,
And so they rarely give short shrift,
But come, instead, armed with a gift.

These gifts do get a lot of thought,
Are chosen ’cos they are the sort,
Of thing to take ones breath away,
But, in the end, to make us pay.

And there might be a lesson hid,
Reminding us of what they did,
When, in the past, they were our foe,
And won one battle as you know.

So Macron’s gift that he now brings,
Which may look like the best of things,
Should be regarded in that light –
Reminder of past Norman might.

No doubt his kind gift we accept,
Forgetting that he is adept,
At using such a gesture kind,
To imply that we shouldn’t mind,
To pay him many pounds and pence,
To, at Calais, erect a fence,
So migrants just cannot get through,
And end up living close to you.

What he is after, in exchange,
Is cash somewhere within the range,
Of fifty million – that’s pounds –
To pay his police to do their rounds,
At Calais through the night and day,
Which they’re supposed to anyway.

But two sides can play at this game,
With with other gifts, not quite the same,
But which remind him of the cost,
And who it was, in fact, that lost,
The last time our two nations fought.
Now here I don’t mean Agincourt,
But rather, as you likely knew:
Napoleon at Waterloo.

We should lend them that picture large,
Depicting Wellington in charge,
Of maybe history’s greatest feat:
That was Napoleon’s defeat.

Then, while we’re at it, as you know,
Our admiral, Horatio,
Also beat Boney by a mile.
At both Trafalgar and the Nile.

And if we would annoy some more,
Perhaps we could again restore,
The Eurostar, for which folk queue,
From St Pancras to Waterloo!

THEY BLINKED FIRST!

Blinking

It is reported that, following Theresa May’s meeting with EU leaders last week, several are almost falling over themselves to say what good progress has been made and that a no deal Brexit is unimaginable.

So back to Brexit. What a treat!
Not much has happened that’s concrete,
Since talking started months ago,
And got bogged down on what we owe.

This was a quite enormous bill,
Which would the EU coffers fill,
While we, avoiding tempers frayed,
Just simply want to talk on trade.

So, last week, with consummate grace,
Our polite PM played her ace,
And said we would start to prepare,
For what some see as a nightmare,
Which is we leave, not having made,
Agreement on the terms for trade.

It seems, now, common sense has dawned,
And in the other leaders spawned,
Comments so positive that they,
A very different view portray,
Than what old Michel Barnier,
Has had to express day by day.

So Merkel said talks had been good,
While Juncker said all parties should,
Conclude a trade deal ’cos he’d hate,
Alternatives to contemplate.

And Donald Tusk, the Pole in charge,
Proclaimed that, really, by and large,
Reports of deadlock were too great –
Some had sought to exaggerate.

Of leaders there was only one –
The little French Napoleon –
Who still stuck to his former view,
And wanted just to Britain screw.

And Michel Barnier, in a rage,
Was clearly on a different page,
Perhaps because his former words,
Have now been made to look absurd.

So three loud cheers for Mrs May,
For she did pretty well that day,
She’a moved things on a bit, I think,
And all because she didn’t blink!

A BIG CHEESE

Cheese grana padano

It is reported that the Grana Padano Cheesemakers Consortium sent a gift of a forty pound wheel of cheese to our Prime Minister during her holiday in Italy but it’s delivery to her hotel was delayed as it was thought to be a suspicious package that might contain a bomb.

You might have heard that Mrs May,
Is on her summer holiday,
And this week which is first of three,
She’s spending time in Italy.

The makers of the local cheese,
Thought Mrs May they’d like to please,
By sending her a little gift,
A wheel of cheese – you get my drift?

The cheese arrived, it weighed a lot,
The police said it might be a plot,
So it went in another room,
In case the whole thing should go ‘Boom!’

The cheesemen said, “It is all right.
We’re sorry it gave you a fright.
For all your problems we all feel,
And that’s why we gave you this wheel.

In the EU wheel you’re a cog,
About the same as Kraut or Frog,
But after Brexit, Mrs May,
Your wheel’s then smaller than today.

So we thought that it might assist,
You or perhaps your publicist,
If after Brexit you could claim,
That life would go on much the same.

For this to be so folk must think,
Negotiators will not blink,
And the wheel in which you’re a cog,
Is big and not the underdog.

So having this enormous cheese,
Will help convince them all with ease,
That they should not get too uptight,
For everything will be all right.

And be assured the cheese is fine,
Will go down well with port or wine,
We checked it three times we confess,
So that it would not cause distress.”

THIN SKINNED

Trump angry

It is reported that Donald Trump has said that he does not want his planned state visit to the UK to take place if there might be demonstrations or protests.

One small problem for Mrs May,
Now that she’s past election day,
Is how to deal with Donald Trump,
And whether she should try to bump,
The President off his planned tour –
The one she offered him before.

She’s other things now on her plate –
Brexit for one at any rate –
And she’d be better to be free,
Of still yet more controversy.

But Trump now waded in last night,
And said if anything might blight,
His state visit like an affray,
Then he would want to stay away.

Protests and demos are so bad,
That though he’d be in armour clad,
It might look bad on prime TV,
And his spin doctors do agree.

So since some protests likely will
Occur this should the visit kill;
Arrangements likely will be binned,
Because The Trump is so thin-skinned.

If this is so for Mrs May,
The problem might have gone away,
But she must carefully this spin,
So protesters don’t seem to win.

DIDN’T HE DO WELL? … OR MAYBE NOT

Jeremy Corbyn cartoon

It is reported that in the recent general election Jeremy Corbyn did really well ….. but his party came second and he got the job of Leader of the Opposition.

So Mrs May was not so wise,
And rightly do we criticise,
The way that she ran her campaign,
Which was quite dreadful in the main.

Her campaign really was the pits,
Most will agree, no buts no ifs,
And she quite managed to deplete,
The compliment of Tory seats.

But Corbyn on the other hand,
Is praised now all throughout the land,
Because he did so very well,
… Although maybe it’s hard to tell.

He bribed young people – no more fees,
The oldies wanting fuel please,
Free childcare after which he feels,
Kids all should get their free school meals.

But even with all this and more,
He really, truly failed to score,
He knew Ms May was in a spin,
But even then he couldn’t win!

ELECTION DAY!

Voting_in_Hackney

It is reported that there is a general election today. At last!

Hooray! Hooray!
Election Day!
May win, May lose,
It’s you who choose,
So get your coat,
Go out and vote,
And if tonight,
It comes out right,
Do not refrain,
From the Champagne.

Image – Alex Lee